Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Trying to See Past the Fog

A pile of rubble in the middle of the room. It’s making me claustrophobic and irritable. It’s all my miscellaneous worries, fears and misfortunes stacked up right before me, in the proverbial sense. There’s a ton of cleaning up to do before the holidays. I feel like I’m being tugged in so many directions. Guilt, fear, depression and anxiety have all taken center stage. I prayed to God for something positive to happen. He was able to give me a happy thought for the meantime, just to tide me over. It worked and I went on about my day. Today’s a new day though. I need His help again. The constant imbroglio consisting of family and friends as well as my lover has me in a bit of a quandary.

Bleck! I think it’s the time of year, to tell you the truth. I tapped into the posts that I wrote this time last year. I realized that I was in a gloomy state of mind, and ranting about depressing things. I even displayed a picture of how it looked outside- the same scene that I’m viewing right now. It’s foggy, rainy, dark and gloomy. I went to see my therapist the other day. He said to me that this is the time of year where people are most likely to commit suicide or at least attempt it. November becomes darker during the days much earlier. It’s typically a rainy month.

Sad, rundown, listless, hopeless, weak, fatigued, not caring about things I enjoy, outbursts, rebelling against those I love, and angry are all things I feel right now. (It sounds much like the symptoms of depression on an antidepressant medication commercial.) It’s too much for one person if you think about it. I’ve lost trust in people. I was taught to never trust people; that people would always disappoint you, but God would never. It sounds so pessimistic, doesn’t it? I was never one to be this negative, but I’m feeling it a lot right now. No one’s responsible for my happiness and wellbeing. I know that. I’m the only one that’s responsible, however I’m not doing a very good job at it. Maybe I just don’t care anymore.

A nice gesture as, “What can I do for you” will send me over the edge responding as, “I have no fricken idea what to do for myself!” Sure, I can send advice and suggestions to other people who are feeling down, but why is it that I’m the only one left not knowing what to do about my own depression? I’m lashing out to those who are trying to genuinely help me.

I really need to read the book I wrote and published last year. I mean, I give all this great advice about depression and other topics and yet, I have no idea what to do about ‘me’. Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through, or maybe it’s just how it is...how it’s going to be forever. I know things could be worse, I realize this, but at the rate of the stagnant pace I’m going, I feel I’m not going to give it much more effort. I may soon give up. Or maybe I’ve given up already. Somebody told me today that I already threw in the towel.

47 comments:

GW Mush said...

Deb,
If you plan on lashing out at me, please do it in the form of spankings, hehe
I have something to share with you, but I will do it in email.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

hmm, someone needs a hug..

sorry ur having a bitch of a time right now..

hope it ends for u soon, and ur back to your happy drunk self:)

ell said...

feel better deb. i know what you mean about this time of year. i definitely think the lack of sunshine has something to do with it.

samuru999 said...

Deb
How I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better!
As you were so wonderful and sweet ...
cheering me up today!
All I can say is...I will always be in your corner...through thick and thin!
You are so sweet and special....
my hubby read the poems you wrote...
and I think he's fallen in love with another woman...
He thinks you're gorgeous too..

Sending you lotsa HUGS!

Margie

P.S you need to write more poems...
You are so talented!!!!!

steff81 said...

You know...I've tried to write something profound for the last several minutes. Let me just say that I'm thinking about you and hoping that things are back to normal soon.

samuru999 said...

Deb
In response to your comment...
if only that would work!Lol!
It would be great!
As it is I wiil probably have to try and cheer up my hubby as he's had a rotten day at work...men can be such babies!
If he whines too much though...
I'm going to put the nurse's oufit on
him!!!

Thanks again for helping me get through this day..
This dang pain is not much fun!
But, laughter does help!
and, you have made me laugh..
I just wish I could do the same for you
...as I do know how it feels to be down
in the dumps...I was very down today..
but, you cheered me up.

And, I'm going to make myself a stiff drink now!

((hugs))

Margie

GW Mush said...

Ok, Ive been giving this more thought. Deb, its your lucky day, I have thought of a cure for depression that must be at least 95% successful.
Here is what you need to do.
You need to make love to me. The first time may not cure you so we will have to do it twice for the cure to be activated and stuff.
Do not try this at home, you need a professional like me.

Catch said...

I know its hard to keep motivated and stay on track sometimes Deb, and its so much easier to give advice than take it. But Sweety, you need to lighten up on you! You are only one person, you can not please everybody so dont even try. Just do one day at a time.....take baby steps. Just concentrate on getting through the day, dont even think of tomorrow. You are such a wonderful person who tries her very best to help everyone. You make us laugh..please just give yourself a break. One time I was o depressed, my husband was out of work, bills were due. I had a new baby. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry. I was so miserable. When I felt like I could not take anymore, I prayed to God out loud to please help me get through this. I just turned everything over to him. When I woke up the next day I knew he was helping me...I had to work at it, but I began to feel a little better everyday. My X was still out of work, bills were still due, but I could do nothing about them, so what was the use of worrying? Come on Deb, cheer up...you have much to smile about, your a good friend and a beautiful person. Im sending you big hugs!

Terry said...

"In time of trouble . . . He shall set me upon a rock." - Psalms 27:5

The Absent Minded Landlord said...

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) sucks. With it's short days and gloomy weather, this time of year can be rough.
This too shall pass.

Tense Teacher said...

No, no, no! Don't give up!

If it helps any, someone in Mississippi who has never actually met you was thinking about you tonight... As Geek was filling up my car tonight, a tanker truck pulled up and started replenishing the station's supply. I thought, "~Deb would so not be happy about this."

Maddie said...

You, in no way have thrown in the towel. You have helped very many people and continue to do so in a very honest, loving and very funny and uplifting way. I, for one, have experienced and known that for a long time. Remember this scripture, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

QUASAR9 said...

You fot a therapist - what someone you pay, to scream or lash out at?

A nice gesture as, “What can I do for you” will send me over the edge responding as, “I have no fricken idea what to do for myself!”

I'd take up the offer from gw mush if I were you. You could vent all your angst on gw mush - and when you are done letting it all out, pop round mine for a while or two, some TLC and those martini moments u like

Natalia said...

Sometimes there is no reason and yu have to ride it out. Or the reason is that it will make you stronger. It has been a hectic year full of changes. Maybe you are just coming to terms with all of it. You do give great advice and it's so ironic we can see issues in other people's lives and have all sorts of insight but we are comfuzzled by our own problems. *hugs* This too shall pass.

-N

Anonymous said...

Deb , you need some sunshine and HOT weather ... lots of it here.

Arti Honrao said...

Hang in there ...
I tell this to myself too
when I am depressed, which happens to be the case even now ...

May I share my poem here?

End Is The Right Time To Begin

I was walking blindfolded
On the path, which I did not know led to where
I was all alone, falling down and getting up again
With no one to guide me or even to care
Walking a few steps and tumbling down hundred
So many tears for every tumble, were shed
Cuts and bruises all over, heart filled with pain
Every fall made me fear to pursue my goal once again

One day,
I came across a friend
Who knew about life more than I could even imagine
A friend who taught me that end was the right time to begin
So, I learnt to make things work,
When it seemed the most impossible thing to happen
And I realized miraculously that the trick worked for me
And things were starting to happen.
I learnt from her that day
Never should we lose hope even on the worst day
For when the wave is high enough,
It is then that it turns away
It is darkest few moments before the break of the day.

© Arti Honrao


Pls concentrate on the last four lines
I hope I am not saying too much


GBU
Arti

Anonymous said...

I know well the feeling that you know exactly how to help others and are totally blind as to know how to act for yourself. Do you have a spiritual director as well as therapist - someone who can focus on your soul and help you with your prayerlife?
My suggestion is that you read the posts that followed the one from last year you read that insipired this one. My guess is that there will be clues in your posts as to what helped you through last year and what lessons you learned that you need to remind yourself of.
Hang in there. I continue to pray for you and am here if listening will help.

Pittchick said...

I'm sure that your blogging alone helps people in ways you can't even imagine. Hang in there. I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

say it hot said...

There are times when one feels lost. Like the path is unclear. You might feel tired, unimportant, ignored, or disappointed by others. You might question your faith. You might feel your spirit changing, or think that the enthusiasm that you had last week, or last whenever was just fleeting.

Don't be so hard on yourself. In life we find ourselves in pits and vast areas of nothingness.

We also find ourselves in areas of great joy, possibility, relations and satisfactions.

Its just a matter of a few more steps. Keep walking. Hold your head high but don't give up on the path. It has so many wonderful things alongside it.

My warmest and most heartfelt embrace and wishes Deb.

Anonymous said...

Deb, it is what it is. Embrace the pain, make it work for you.

~Deb said...

Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, poems and encouragement sent my way! I appreciated all the personal emails, e-cards and other little thoughtful things that lifted up my spirits.

I hope I didn’t come across as though I’m having this huge pity party for myself…I just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out by writing it in my post. It definitely does have something to do with this gloomy weather here in NY, as well as other factors.

I’m literally FORCING myself to get my bum into the gym today. I don’t wanna do it- but hopefully this will make me feel better.

Again, thank you all for being so encouraging!

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Everything in this world runs in cycles, dearheart. Seasons, global warming, monthlies for both men and women, emotions...

It will all get better soon. Just hold out. Feel what you can, though and learn about yourself while you react to it. May be easy to let go of once that's done!

Jazz said...

((((((DEB))))))
I'm so sorry your going though this! And it's not just you, many people are great at helping others and when it comes to themselves they need someone elses shoulder to lean on.
I have nothing though, I don't know what to tell you cause I do the same things when I'm down. Lashing out at the ones that really care and are trying to help.
All I can do is keep you in my prayers. So know that I am! Hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

(((((((Deb)))))))

Miranda said...

I think there so must be something in the air, Im totally feeling the same way."Guilt, fear, depression and anxiety" ANd pretty much the rest too. *BIG HUGS*

kathi said...

I'm such an odd ball, it's this sort of weather that cheers me up. But still, I want you happy so I hope the weather clears up...up there, anyway. :) Hugs!

Big Mama said...

((((~deb)))) Just remember that I love you, no matter what!
I too get the blues this time of year. I just chalk it up to the time change and the fact that I hate the thought of cold weather. Take care of you...

Leesa said...

Sounds like you and I are twins right now. And my word verification is dykez. What the heck is that about?

ann said...

Oh Deb... do you have bipolar? My son does too and his new fiancee, which means there will be interesting times ahead for them. Have you had any lengths of time when you've felt stabilised or do you fluctuate often? My son can sometimes be atypical when he is experiencing mania and depression simultaneously...

I wish you well; it would be patronising to wish you better since I have now learned so much about this condition.

lotsa luv ann xxxx

Cinderella said...

~Deb, I am so sorry you feel so badly. I know partly how you feel. It's an inner battle within yourself everyday. Sometimes a T.V. show may distract you from the chaos inside, maybe even a walk but no matter what you end up in the same place, feeling the same old way.

It is true nobody can help you when you feel this down, ONLY you can help you. You just have to get up, shake it off and keep going. Maybe you need something NEW in your life. Sometimes change is good.

Just know you are not alone..you have many fans, and we love you!

Miss 1999 said...

Deb, I'm sending a *BIG HUG* your way. I hate hearing you so down and depressed. I sat here on monday night and cried til my eyes hurt for no reason- I was just so sad and depressed. This time of year gets to us (those SAD sisters) hardcore. Don't give up. I KNOW it's going to get better- you just have to hang in there, and have faith! You know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and ALWAYS here if you need me! *hugs and love*

samuru999 said...

Deb
Thank you so much!
You made my day... AGAIN!
I loved your poem!
How do you write like that?
It is sooooo good!!!!
You are simply...THE BEST!
Feel better soon...my friend!
Lotsa Hugs!

Margie

Anonymous said...

This is nothing that a pepsi, swanson dinner, and possibly alcohol won't cure.

Hey...it could be worse...you could have Dani's outlook on life.

*snickers*

├ůsa said...

Deb! I’m sorry you are in a down period. And I’m sorry you feel like no-one can help you. To an extent this is true. But other people can help us by making us look at things from another angel – when we are ready. Sometimes I think we just need quiet time though. With out feeling like we have to be happy. That can be a pressure too.

Your kind words and well formulated comments have helped a lot of people.

I’ve read that Sweden have the second highest suicide rate in the world. Blame it on the weather. We have six months of mostly darkness. Jepp.

The “good thing” about depressive feelings is that you will wake up one day and it will be gone. Just like that. Take one day at a time and you will get there. There is hope for you!

xxxooxxo

QUASAR9 said...

Hi Beautiful Bird of Paradise
We still have some 5 billion years give or take 30 million, before we need to look for a new Sun!

So many many sunsets and sunrises left for us to enjoy. lol!
Here's looking at yah! Here's loving yah! Here's smiling at yah!

Have a Great weekend - and don't forget to make a wish if you see a shooting star!

Anonymous said...

Deb -
Have a great weekend ... the weather is getting better and hopefully the fog will clear!

LisaBinDaCity said...

When I was feeling sad and blue recently, the way I dealt with it, (in part,) was to clean up all the clutter in my home. At least I had control over SOMETHING, you know?

Hugs my friend.

DaBich said...

Whoever said you've already thrown in the towel sure doesn't know you very well, do they? Pfffffffft!
SAD affects us all. Add to it your other woes, sure, you're gonna have some rough patches. But You'll hang in there! HUGZ to ya!

Neers said...

Deb!!! Hows you now, Babe??

Cinderella said...

Are you ok? *Worried*

Saur♥Kraut said...

Hang in there, hon. The holidays are always filled with mixed feelings. The older we get, the more baggage we accumulate. I have so much baggage I could open my own luggage store! :D

Big Mama said...

*sigh* I miss you...

GW Mush said...

Deb should get her cute lil ass back to blogging so I can comment and stuff:)

Geek said...

Tense and I are thinkin of ya.. Keep your chin up, your eyes dry and thinking in the clear. Also dont forget there are those you have never seen that love you.

kathi said...

Love you, love you muchly.

GW Mush said...

Kathi,

I love you too honey buns

Anonymous said...

it won't last forever. give yourself a break for feeling down, and be ok with it. this too shall pass.

and maybe taking some time away from everyone who loves you and sooo wants to be helpful, would be helpful too.

chin up. you know we all love you and are here for you.