Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Bowels That "Reek" Havoc

Back in blogworld, but I’m feeling a little weak. I won’t get into the gory details, but I was living a life of bed, bath, and way beyond the bowels of limitations. Can I tell you how sick I am of water and Gatorade right now? Can I tell you how annoying it is to keep running to the loo every two minutes? Can I also tell you how scary it was for Madelene to witness my delirium while I had a high fever? I think I saw Jesus again.

I have this bad habit of looking things up online to find ‘what can be the problem’, when I’m fully aware that Madelene brought this nasty bug home from her stuffy office full of a hundred hens. Don’t even attempt to do this, without the thought of some wacky website trying to fill your mind with the possibilities of numerous diseases. This is so bad for an OCD driven hypochondriac like myself.

“OH MUY GAAWD! Mad---look! Look at what this says I might have!!!”
“Deb, you have a bug that I caught from work. It’ll pass…”
She reminds me, in her calm, ‘everything’s gonna be alright’ voice. She’s probably ready to slit her wrists by the number of times I made her call the emergency room to ask the nurses questions. I do this when I’m sick. Not to just one hospital, but to several. My questions stem from, “How do you know when to take someone to the ER when they’re sick,” to “Am I gonna die???”

“Deb, do you want me to take you to the ER just to rest your head, and have them put electrolytes back into your system?”

~Thinking~

“Well, if I’m going to the bathroom every two minutes, how am I going to last in the car?
“I’ll bring a bag, Deb.”
Madelene says, all nonchalantly as if it were the norm.
“A bag???”
“Yes, a bag.”
“A BAG????”

That has to be love if your partner/spouse is willing to drive you over to the emergency room while you crap a bag-o-tricks in his/her nice car. And she doesn’t even allow smoking! Can you imagine?

“Well what about the ambulance?”
“Deb, you’ll have to do the same thing, but they’ll have a receptacle for you to use. You’ll have to do that in front of people you don’t know.”
Madelene reminds me of this awful thought.
"Forget it! I’ll die at home!"

So I decided to wait it out and just fight this monster of a bug, parasite or whatever was lurking inside my intestines. And please shut the hell up—those of you who know I went out for sushi last week. It is NOT a parasite! (Please God, please don’t let it be the sushi!!!)

It got worse. I was crapping out clear liquid. Nothing else. You know how they say if you see blood in your stool, to go to the emergency room right away? Forget about it. The amount of Gatorade (color red fruit punch) that I was chugging down was enough to fill New York’s water supply. Needless to say, it eventually turned red.

“OH MUYYY GAWWWD! I gotta go to the emergency room! I’m bleeding now! I’m going to die!”
“Deb, look at what you’re drinking. How many pints of that have you consumed to keep your electrolytes up? How much water did you have? Put two and two together…”
Madelene says, as she lays there sick, and drained from…well….me.
“Oh…yeah.”

Amy applied for the nurse position, (among many of you nice ladies out there---thank you!!!) and came over with tons of broth, white rice, and a gallon of Gatoraide. (This time the clear stuff.) She stayed with me for eight whole hours and made sure I was fully taken care of. What a girl! I just hope she didn’t catch the bug. She has a huge heart, and I love her for it! I even got a foot rub out of the deal! (Yes, Madelene if fully aware of this…) Thanks Amy!!!

Oh the third day it ended. No, I didn’t have a resurrection. I should have by the way I was going, but I ended up being okay. Three days without food. I was on the “BRAT” diet. (Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast.) I had to eat baby food, because I’m allergic to bananas and apples. This was the only way I was going to get this down. So, picture it: Me sitting on my couch, scooping out Gerber’s baby food watching the millionth Judith Light movie on Lifetime. Not a pretty picture.

I prayed, and prayed for this bug to go away, and God answered me. Thank you LORD!!! Those of you who have wished us well---thank you! Madelene has been fine for a couple of days, and I am now virus-free living outside the loo. Things are looking good!

Didn’t I say in the beginning paragraph, that I wouldn’t get into the gory details?