Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Bowels That "Reek" Havoc

Back in blogworld, but I’m feeling a little weak. I won’t get into the gory details, but I was living a life of bed, bath, and way beyond the bowels of limitations. Can I tell you how sick I am of water and Gatorade right now? Can I tell you how annoying it is to keep running to the loo every two minutes? Can I also tell you how scary it was for Madelene to witness my delirium while I had a high fever? I think I saw Jesus again.

I have this bad habit of looking things up online to find ‘what can be the problem’, when I’m fully aware that Madelene brought this nasty bug home from her stuffy office full of a hundred hens. Don’t even attempt to do this, without the thought of some wacky website trying to fill your mind with the possibilities of numerous diseases. This is so bad for an OCD driven hypochondriac like myself.

“OH MUY GAAWD! Mad---look! Look at what this says I might have!!!”
“Deb, you have a bug that I caught from work. It’ll pass…”
She reminds me, in her calm, ‘everything’s gonna be alright’ voice. She’s probably ready to slit her wrists by the number of times I made her call the emergency room to ask the nurses questions. I do this when I’m sick. Not to just one hospital, but to several. My questions stem from, “How do you know when to take someone to the ER when they’re sick,” to “Am I gonna die???”

“Deb, do you want me to take you to the ER just to rest your head, and have them put electrolytes back into your system?”


“Well, if I’m going to the bathroom every two minutes, how am I going to last in the car?
“I’ll bring a bag, Deb.”
Madelene says, all nonchalantly as if it were the norm.
“A bag???”
“Yes, a bag.”
“A BAG????”

That has to be love if your partner/spouse is willing to drive you over to the emergency room while you crap a bag-o-tricks in his/her nice car. And she doesn’t even allow smoking! Can you imagine?

“Well what about the ambulance?”
“Deb, you’ll have to do the same thing, but they’ll have a receptacle for you to use. You’ll have to do that in front of people you don’t know.”
Madelene reminds me of this awful thought.
"Forget it! I’ll die at home!"

So I decided to wait it out and just fight this monster of a bug, parasite or whatever was lurking inside my intestines. And please shut the hell up—those of you who know I went out for sushi last week. It is NOT a parasite! (Please God, please don’t let it be the sushi!!!)

It got worse. I was crapping out clear liquid. Nothing else. You know how they say if you see blood in your stool, to go to the emergency room right away? Forget about it. The amount of Gatorade (color red fruit punch) that I was chugging down was enough to fill New York’s water supply. Needless to say, it eventually turned red.

“OH MUYYY GAWWWD! I gotta go to the emergency room! I’m bleeding now! I’m going to die!”
“Deb, look at what you’re drinking. How many pints of that have you consumed to keep your electrolytes up? How much water did you have? Put two and two together…”
Madelene says, as she lays there sick, and drained from…well….me.

Amy applied for the nurse position, (among many of you nice ladies out there---thank you!!!) and came over with tons of broth, white rice, and a gallon of Gatoraide. (This time the clear stuff.) She stayed with me for eight whole hours and made sure I was fully taken care of. What a girl! I just hope she didn’t catch the bug. She has a huge heart, and I love her for it! I even got a foot rub out of the deal! (Yes, Madelene if fully aware of this…) Thanks Amy!!!

Oh the third day it ended. No, I didn’t have a resurrection. I should have by the way I was going, but I ended up being okay. Three days without food. I was on the “BRAT” diet. (Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast.) I had to eat baby food, because I’m allergic to bananas and apples. This was the only way I was going to get this down. So, picture it: Me sitting on my couch, scooping out Gerber’s baby food watching the millionth Judith Light movie on Lifetime. Not a pretty picture.

I prayed, and prayed for this bug to go away, and God answered me. Thank you LORD!!! Those of you who have wished us well---thank you! Madelene has been fine for a couple of days, and I am now virus-free living outside the loo. Things are looking good!

Didn’t I say in the beginning paragraph, that I wouldn’t get into the gory details?


Mike said...

Yanno...baby food isn't just for when you're sick. Doesn't everyone eat it daily?

samuru999 said...

Glad you are doing better now.
And... you sure can write about
something that is not so funny...
and make it humorous!
You can make me laugh...
I like that.
I like you!
Take care and stay well!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

oh good Lord woman.

when your shitting out your red gatorade, thats the time you get your obituary written.

glad your ok..stomach bugs are so nasty..

limpy99 said...

What a coincidence. If I watch Judith Light movies I also wind up with diarrehea for three days.

~Deb said...

Yeah, it was pretty bad. Sorry, I know, I know, TMI!!!! But I couldn't resist telling you the dirty truth of it all.

Heather said...

Glad you're finally feeling better.

Russ said...

A bag?? Better be a garbage bag or something similar in size.

If that needs to be done, I think it's best to NOT do it during rush hour. That could get ugly.

I'm glad you're better! Now you can go out drinking and get some good stories to share.

~Deb said...

Thanks Heather!

Russ, drinking won't be anytime soon. It's not 5 o'clock yet. I'll keep you posted!

Leesa said...

Wow, quite a little bit of excitement you have had.

Christina_the_wench said...

Hi,I am new here and I must say interesting post.~sprays Lysol~ Nice to meet you.

Btw, did you try Gerber's Hawaiian Delight? To die for. Well not literally, but you get my drift. I am glad you feel better.

Tense Teacher said...

Lifetime movies are enough to give me intestinal problems.

And, I have the best homemade chicken soup recipe, if you're interested and it's not too hot to turn on your stove.

~Deb said...

Leesa: I hope it's the end of that type of excitement...

Christina: Thank you for being considerate and spraying down the comment section before posting. Thanks for stopping by! I gotta try that Gerber Hawaiian Delight. Thanks for the suggestion! I'm allergic to all fruits, and my doctor told me to eat the baby food. So, now this is my new thing.

Tense: Is there any way that you can come over and make it for me? (Big baby over here!)

Maddie said...

Thank God, its over! I have been dragging ass since last Wednesday! Sorry, I did'nt mean to bring home the cooties. Glad you're better.

~Deb said...

I'm glad it's over too. Just keep sanitizing that phone of yours---which has become the community phone over there and we'll be good. Thanks for taking such good care of me Mad!!! *muah*

nosthegametoo said...

Glad you're feeling better. For me, I try not to go online to self-diagnose, it just makes you nervous and think about a whole lot of things you might not be qualified to assess.

Peace and Love

normiekins said...

so glad you and mad are feeling better.....those are the best darn non-gorry details ever!!!!....LOL ;)

Burfica said...

I'm so glad your feeling better. At least you can look at the bright side that it wasn't coming from both ends. husband brought that one home. Did the hubby, the kid, then after two weeks I thought I was home free, wrong!!!!

It lasted three days, coming from both ends, high fever, horrible cramps. I know how you feel hun, it suck eggs.

anna said...

Glad you're feeling better sweetie. Stomach bugs are the worst!!!


Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I had that bug three weeks ago.

It sucks ass!

Cheryl said...

Hope you are feeling better!

Jon said...

OMG I've had this a couple times in my life. Not something easy to forget. That and my belches were NASTY

I am sooo glad you are feeling better. That's probably a hell of a weight loss program. I think I lost about 18 pounds when I had that last.

Damn, now I feel sick

Miss 1999 said...

Deb- I had that same "bug" last week- and let me tell you, it had to be one of the most miserable experience of my life! I'm just glad to hear you're finally feeling better :0) *hugs*

Zibi said...

Glad you're feeling better... I couldn't invite you over since you were sick with the bug but now that you're better why not come over to cooler weather... It's only gonna last for another 5 weeks.