Saturday, November 05, 2005

Subtle Perversion

“Here, fill out these papers and let me have your insurance card, so that I can make a copy.”
“Oh, sure…”
I said, to the receptionist on the other side of the counter at my ‘new’ chiropractor’s office.
“Is it Debbie? Or Debra? Or Deb? What do you like to be called?”
“I like to be called in as soon as possible actually…Just call me, Deb.”
I said, sarcastically. The two women behind the counter started chuckling. I walked over to my seat, sat down and began to fill in the information that was needed.

As I looked around this Zen-like office, I notice that other services are provided here. Huge letters read backwards on the window, “Chiropractic Care, Reflexology, Kinesiology, Massage Therapy, Homeopathic Remedies, and Acupuncture.” I was still looking for Voodoo and psychic available if need be.

“Oh my dauwta’ says I look like a gypsy becawz’ of this dress I’m wearing.” The one receptionist says to the other.
“Well it’s just lovely, Sue. I really think it’s pretty.”
“Eight dallas’ at Kohl’s! Can you buleeeeaave it?”
She says, with her heavy Brooklyn/Staten Island accent.

“Deb? May I ask you a few questions real quick?” The receptionist asks.
“Oh yeah, sure…”
“Date of birth?”
“You’re daytime phone number?”
“Are you married, Deb?”
I said, as if I had to think about that question. I guess I squirmed out of that awkward ‘outing myself at the doc’s office’ deal.
“Who should we call for an emergency?”
“What relation is she to you?”
She asked, as if she didn’t already know that we had the same phone numbers.
“Err, umm……she is, umm, my partner—my girlfriend.” I said, not taking my eyes off her oh she can get any man she wants’ look.

Great. Another episode of outing myself at the doc’s office, and strange glances peering out of the reception box. Were they strange? Or were they intrigued? These women were more like ‘older hens’ who probably had ten kids, married a few times, and still trying to maintain that ~spunk~… They were cute. I was enjoying their frivolous conversation.

The doctor calls me in. I try lifting myself off the chair like a ninety year old with arthritis and make my way to his small office.
“Hi Deb! I’m Erick.” He says, reaching for my hand. It was obvious the nurse gave him a little note that said, 'Call her ‘Deb’. Nice personal touch, but a bit much.
“Hi doc.”
“Here, sit down and let me take a look at what’s going on here.”
He says, as he points to the neat looking chiropractic/massage table.

Could it be?

Did God answer my questions?

Guess what's on the table?...


This place looked clean, smelled clean, and I was a happy camper. I even noticed the alcohol wipes nearby. For me, this was like seeing angels. Come on, flu season is among us and you wouldn’t think the same thing? It’s not just my OCD wackiness; it’s life or death situation here folks.

After analyzing me for quite some time, twisting and turning my body in different ways (shut up guys) --- he figures out that my left leg is two inches shorter than my right. Oh that’s attractive... He said it must be from standing on one side for too long behind the bar, putting all my weight towards my right leg—enabling the muscles to lift up, and manipulate my bone structure.

“Not only am I giving you a prescription for x-rays, but I am going to put a machine on you that has electric currents in it, to help straighten out your muscles. It’s called a TENS machine.”
“Electric currents? Can I have a heart attack or something by this thing?” I ask like a moron.
“No!!!” He said, laughing at my stupidity. He placed me on the table on my stomach, and placed the electro thingies on my back, as well as my butt. No, nothing in the front….get your minds out of the gutters! Then he placed about five huge water blankets on me—no lie, about five of them. They were heating pads of some sort. I was hot already, from it being so warm outside—and this thing was going to make me sweat bullets…ugh.

Then the machine goes on, and I nodded off to sleep. It took ONE minute for me to nod off. He only put the machine on for ten minutes, but it felt like thirty seconds. The electric currents felt like someone massaging my back. This thing was amazing! I wanted to bring it home with me. Not only was it massaging my back, it was massaging my butt!

“Time’s up!” He said, walking back into the dimly lit room.
“Ahhhhhhhh, that felt soooo goooooooooooooood!” I said quite loudly, forgetting there were receptionists and clients in the other room. They must have been wondering what else was transpiring other than those electric currents---or where the electric pads were placed.

That’s how awful it sounded...

I get up, put my jacket on, and proceeded to walk out of the room, when I saw the nurse/massage therapist grin at me in a weird sort of perverted way. Sh*t!!! She thinks I molested the TENS machine! I’m such a pervert to these people! Not only am I gay, but I walked out with this content, ~freshly been electrocuted look~.

I have another appointment Monday. With who? The nurse... The nurse who grinned at me after she heard me yell out in bliss, “Ahhhhhhh that felt soooo goooooood!” She is going to give me a forty-five minute massage. I bet you any amount of money that they are going to book their other clients at different times, due to my loud perverted sounding mouth. Or maybe, this would bring in more business?


midwest_hick said...

Well...that was a well timed (shut up guys) ya had in this a great weekend.

~Deb said...

That's only because I think much like a man... ;)

Enjoy your weekend midwest!

kathi said...


DZER said...

hey!! that 555-number is a fake!! what the hell!!???!!!

kathi said...

Can I buy one of those on QVC, or maybe HSN would have a better price. I want one! And what the hell happened to the flowers??? Tell me, it's driving me crazy.

~Deb said...

Kathi: I just love you! hahaa!!!!!!! You make me laugh!

Dzer: My number is on your post it on your computer silly!!! As well as Gigi's.

DZER said...

deb: If I had your number, by now I'd have both you and Mad in bed, telling you to do dirty things to her in my deep, husky, resonant voice

"now ... nibble it ... a little harder ... good girl"


~Deb said...

I hope to God you are not talking about your sloppy joe from your previous post, Dzer, I'm still traumatized by it all.

DZER said...

deb: awww, baby ... you know you wanna gnaw on my sloppy joe ... ;)

~Deb said...

Thou shall not speak in such a manner on my holy blog!


Bring it on Big Joe! But remember, I choke on small 'bones'...

kathi said...

small bones, LOL...sorry dzer, that was just too funny!!

DZER said...

you brought up this *non-holy* train of thought! LOL

I guess I should have been more specific in my previous post"

""now Deb ... nibble Madelene's (insert naughty bit here) ... a little harder ... good girl"

better? LOL

~Deb said...

chicken wing?

Chrissie said...

wow youve been busy! lol *smooch*
i hope your massage is as good as the machine lol... last one i had at my dr. office was so god damn painful i couldnt enjoy it at alllll... i was like.. look bitch quit pushing so god damn hard! lol seriously wanted to punch her out!

~Deb said...

Yeah, you're supposed to tell them if the pressure is too much... Glad you didn't resort to violence! ha!

Bill Jones, Jr said...

Deb, you are hilarious. Watch out for that nurse, I think she wants you... bad. Can we get back to that "twisting and turning my body in different ways" part?

Sorry. I lost it, but I'm much better now.

The comments on this blog are as funny as the blog. You should be a TV show. Naw, I hate TV>

crossblade said...

well thanks for the comments Deb!!
God has been awesomely good to me:)

bless you too
have a great weekend

~Deb said...

Sable: The world would be in trouble if I had my own TV show...believe me. :) If the nurse has ~other intentions~, I'll make sure to video blog it all...promise!

Crossblade: Thanks for stopping in. I'm glad to see you have faith in God! (even though this comment board has gotten WAY out of control) Sorry! :)

joey♥ said...

thanks for your comment. i didn't think anyone actually read my blog ever. beautiful picture of the sunrise btw.

Jillian said...

I want a Tens Unit!!!

I moved my blog, it was time I was tired of my ex using it to track my life. I hope you will update your link!!

Have a super weekend!

~Deb said...

Joey: Your blog is great! Keep up with your writing...

Jill: That's what I'm sayin'!!! My girlfriend just told me that they do sell those--you have to get a prescription from your doctor.
What? You moved your blog because of an ex? Ah- the hell with him--let him stalk your blog...Where did you move to? And if you gave this info on your blog---he'll go there as well, no?

SignGurl said...

Deb, I had the same thing happen with my back last fall. I found out that my left leg was 3 inches shorter than the right! Also from standing at my job with weight on one leg. Amazing how that happens. My doctor who is an osteopath "adjusted me" by folding me in half lenghwise. It sounds weird, but it totally helped. I try not to stand with my weight on one side now and haven't had a recurrance since.

Hope your treatments help!

~Deb said...

Jenn: Wow---that is the same problem I have. The TENS seemed to help me, but the doc advised me I still can't go to the gym 'just yet', and he wants me to take it easy for a few days till I see him this Monday...which equals-------MASSIVE amounts of Lifetime TV and blogging my brains out... (that sounds good if you don't know what blogging means) Unfortunately in my case, THAT'S even out of the question.


Thanks for your comment!

gigi said...

Again, insinuating that the Gigi is fast and lose with her digits!
I may be fast and lose with my **ts but not my digits. heheh.

Now you know why I LOVE MY CHIROPRACTOR!!
I haven't had the pleasure of the TENS machine but I LOVE when he manipulates me! Today he adjusted my knee by placing my leg between his legs. Right up in his crotch. He was rubbing his "parts" on me. I really don't think I'm paying him enough. *sigh*

The Seeker said...

Excellent. I wanna TENs... machine too. Sigh. Sorry to hear about your back... *blows you a get well kiss* (no, not the sexy kind) :-)

kathi said...

and I still want to know what happened to the flowers post? why did you delete it?

LisaBinDaCity said...

Wow Deb, never a dull moment. I'm not sure your sexy screams will bring in other customers or send them running! I'm guessing the former ;-)


~Deb said...

Gigi: Dzer has a post it with your # on it, I called, and nobody answered the phone. *hehe
As far as your chiropractor goes---ummm, I don't want no other types of "bones" rubbing up on me.

The seeker: Thank you for the get well kiss. :)

Kathi: It was a 'thank you' post/message type of thing. Sorry you're stressed out about it's disappearance.

LisaB: Hopefully it will draw some new clientele base.

kathi said...

Finally, I was afraid I'd dreamed it. Things like that happen to me! That's a shame though, it was a sweet post. Even if I was jealous of the flowers. :)

HS said...

I'm a huge fan of butt massages, except for if the massage consists of light strokes cause my butt is actually the only place that I am ticklish...then I giggle like a freakin school girl.

~Deb said...

Kathi: Have you spoken to your therapist about these dreams?
Oh.........and what flowers? I am not sure I understand what you mean. I had flowers on this blog?

HS: *rubbing hands together* Bring your butt ova' here girl! ;) Hmmm...........

green said...

You could have said that Madelene was your....roommate. Then no one need know, unless of course you want them to....

Hope you're feeling better.

Carla said...

kathi is right...there were flowers. why did you change your post?

Jeff H said...

Hey, PayPal me $5, I'll give you a Tarot card reading.

Just kidding.

As for outing yourself in the doctor's office, you could have just said "she's my roommate".

~Deb said...

Carla: You're seeing things too?

Jeff: I need much more than a psychic reading--I need psychiatric care! Yeah, I could of said she was my roommate, but she's not...And I hate saying that, cause I feel like "I'm ashamed" of being gay, when I'm so not. I really don't care, I find it funny actually. :)

Thanks for your comments!

Carla said...

And BTW - who cares what others think about your sexual preference! It's not like you are sleeping with THEM! It amazes me that people sit there judging each other, gossiping about other people, when they leave out the pretty disturbing details about their own pitiful lives. Be proud of who you are and don't give those people a second thought!

Jon said...

I had to go in for the TENS machine a couple times after hurting my back as well... loved it!!!

Romeo Jensen said...

you know... growing up I never realized it but after reading you post... I think my mom has OCD!
She has a little bottle of lysol she keeps in her purse (oh God... this is a family secret and Im "letting it out there" on the internet) and she sprays...

tables at restaurants
the handle bar on grocery carts
and other things my tiny brain can't recall at *looks at comp clock* 6:02 am.
ummm... to date I've not seen her clean an esculator and to be honest... I haven't been in the women's rest room with her since I was like 4 (hey... I was to little to go by myself yet... it could happen... don't judge)

I just have to ask... are you actually my relative for real??? LOL
what part of Italy did your family come from LOL and do you have a birthmark the shape of a teddy bear on your left buttocks
*slowly puts hand over exposed left buttock*

did I say teddy bear... I meant grizzly


~Deb said...

Carla: You're absolutely right... but for me, it's sort of like a sick way of getting entertainment! ;) Thank you sweetie!

Jon: I think every household needs a TENS machine...

Romey: YOU ARE RELATED TO ME... Seriously. You got that right---I'm all about being grizzly --~my brother~ ;)

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