Steps to Healing: Forgive. Forget. Avoid. Move On.

"Why are they wearing HAZMAT suits?!?!"
Lately, it has been quite the plethora of ailments that either led me into the doctor's office or the emergency room. Sometimes, I have a quiet spell of good luck. Well, that was hardly the case this month. I now just make jokes of it all, but it does get crazy from time to time. My list of ailments this month include: nightly myoclonic jolts, a gigantic boil behind my ear that infected my entire system giving me a high fever of 102, hot grease that was splattered into my left eye and last but not least, heartburn so bad, that it tore up my entire esophagus making it impossible to swallow. I started to vomit half dollar size globs of blood. The pain was so excruciating that there wasn't any way I could possibly sleep. The fact that I couldn't even sip water without it coming back up was a cause for alarm. The round-the-clock NSAIDs I use for my menstraul cramps (Advil) was the main culprit on top of stress. (Read this article to find out more about the dangers of NSAIDs/Ibuprofen.) The doctor gave me some blood tests indicating that there was minimal bleeding in my upper GI track and not something of a larger concern. I've had an ulcer before and treating it with the same medicine I used called, Carafate that heals it almost instantly. I'm feeling better, but I can no longer take ibuprofen (NSAIDs/Advil) for my pain relief. Nothing else works, so I'm going to be one hot mess once I get the pain. Percocet doesn't even touch the surface of my pain and Tylenol? Eh. That stuff is a placebo. I'm like, "What else can possibly happen???" But I know things could be much worse.

Here's where I get to vent...

There are a couple of individuals who tell me, "Oh it's all in your head." ...Is it? Are my stomach problems, bloody vomit and burned out esophagus "all in my head"? Was my degenerated disc disease which left me debilitated for 3 entire months of my life (which is minimal for some people) "all in my head"? Was my infection that left me with a fever of 102 "all in my head"? And perhaps my myoclonic jerks have something to do with my head, since it can be stemmed from stress and anxiety -- I'll give em' that much. Thank God my wife witnesses these seizure-like traumas when I sleep because nobody would believe me. But let me say this: when your parent dies, and one parent comes down with the same big "C" and you experience people having psychotic fits on you to the point of fearing life -- that's no joke. My system cannot handle it. Seeing my mother suffer is traumatic enough. I don't need you finding the bottom of a wine bottle sitting on the floor screaming and crying -- and then having the audacity to tell me, "You should go on antidepressants, it helped me."

No, it didn't help you.

I wish people can see themselves sometimes. People handle stress and anxiety in very different ways. Some numb it with alcohol, some find medical assistance and some even try to get professional help. Some people seem to like rattling other people's cages to release their stress and others sometimes find solace by hiding and avoiding these stressful situations, which is probably a good idea now that I think of it. But I'm here. I can't run. I'm not a big fan of hypocrites. Who is? I have a hard time with someone giving me "sound advice" while on their second bottle of wine. I have a hard time with people who say, "I'm always here if you need anything," but yet they're the first ones to criticize you when you need help. I have a hard time with insincere folks who pretend to be the 'caretaker' when all they do is emotionally beat you to a bloody pulp. This is what alcoholics typically do. I don't know if they forget what they say when they drink or if this is just a character flaw, but my system. cannot. handle. it. And while I'm no 'light drinker', because I love having my 2-3 glasses of wine with dinner, the more I see people drinking their stress and anxiety away, the more I see myself pushing the wine glass away.

There are those who may have a loud voice and conviction in whatever they're saying, without the intelligence or sincerity behind it. They can paint you whatever picture they want you to see, without the authenticity behind the canvas. It's not necessarily "lying" so much as it is biding their time and gathering up self-motivated options to store into their their big round cheeks. They appease you with whatever will please you, then snap like a weak branch once the first snowfall hits. Those types of people usually get tossed away with the wind, because they're of no valuable use. They look good in the fair seasons, but then break apart once the cold air creeps up on them. Weak people who can't control their tempers are like overstretched rubber bands. They can only keep calm and together for so long...until they snap back and hurt you again.

But you know something? God has helped me so much throughout my ordeals that I have to just trust in Him.

Some of Jesus' disciples apparently had the same problem, and on one occasion one of them asked Jesus if he should forgive someone as many as seven times. Jesus replied, “I say not seven times but, seventy times seven.” --Matthew 18:22

So this time around, I choose to remain calm. I can't afford anymore stress in my life. They can taunt me all they want, have their psychotic drunken fits and kick me when I'm down again and again. I choose to trust God this time instead of handling it on my own. I'm going to let them hear their own voice. I'm going to let them see themselves react to something that never needed a reaction in the first place. I'm going to take everything with a grain of salt, and do what others seem to do: avoid avoid avoid and forgive forgive forgive. And of course, move on. It seems to work for everybody else. I'm hanging up my gloves because I don't have any fight left in me anymore.

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