|Nothing can bring you peace, but yourself. ~Ralph Waldo Emmerson|
"Call. now. Deb."
Those are the rare breeds who will always leave a footprint in your life. Those are the ones who truly mean "how are you". Actions speak louder than words, and words are often left meaningless. I have a hard time trusting, and that's been a big issue for me all my life. For instance, I've been having really bad sleep problems lately. I jolt and gasp for air every time I try falling asleep. It has gotten worse and worse, to where I nearly convulse, until Madelene holds me down or comforts me in some way. We thought maybe it was neurological, so we went to a sleep specialist who wanted to check for mycologic seizures.
|Lovely image, huh?|
Anxiety. Panic. Fear. In other words: I'm a hot mess.
So off I went to see some money hungry psychiatrist who specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy and other types of relaxation methods that would help me. But he was so focused on money and kept asking me, "Are you sure you can only pay this much?" He was charging $150 per session for only 45 minutes. He was so scatterer-brained and blinded by the sight of cash that I couldn't possibly believe that he really wanted to help me. He wanted to help his bank account grow. He had no interest in how I felt, nor had any desire to help me other than give me textbook psychology bullshit. The entire hour was a complete waste of time and money.
You can't even find professional sincerity.
If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's fake people - the ones who pretend to care about you for the one hour they're in your home or the ones who call you since they have 15 minutes to spare. I usually don't like to bother people with my problems, but now - I will never go to anyone, ever again if I have any issue about anything. They will either use whatever you tell them against you, or they'll give you the "I'll be there for you" which is basically all pseudo gestures. So, I remain as one - as to only help myself - to only trust myself, and most of all, to trust God and let him be the one to be my psychiatrist in the sky.
They say that a person changes every 7 years (which may explain the 7 year itch), and I'm wondering if this is the case. I'm not the same person I was 7 years ago. I was very sociable and loved being around other people. I didn't care if someone spoke badly about me - screw it - but now, I guess I am kind of sick of the drama that goes behind being a social butterfly. I find myself very content with being alone or in the company of my family. Occasionally I have a wonderful group of friends I hang out with - but again, not deep-connected-soul-sister connections where I can let people completely in. At an arm's length, I'm quite comfortable, until someone can prove me wrong. And even though I am a very forgiving person who never holds grudges, I wonder if this is an indicator of holding a grudge of some type - maybe not towards anyone in particular - just toward humans…?
So, I don't trust anyone anymore. It's me. It's God. I'm not on my own, but I do have the big guy upstairs to lean on for all my problems. I doubt He'll mock me.
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