Trust No One

Nothing can bring you peace, but yourself. ~Ralph Waldo Emmerson
Sincerity. It's a rarity these days. As I always thought, asking a simple, "how are you" doesn't require an answer any longer, in fact, it usually doesn't want one. A "how are you" is a another form of, "hello" - and if you do decide to expand on how you are doing, eyes will start rolling. Although I know there is an unwritten rule of the good ol' "how are you" - I will always ask you and expect a truthful answer. When I ask how you are - I wanna know the good and bad and I will always try to be of some help to you or just lend you an ear if you need to vent. I have found a few friends who are very sincere (not more than a handful mind you.) A little over a week ago I was going through some turbulent times. A good friend of mine recognized I wasn't quite myself and so, I decided to text her some bizarre message of the craziness that I was going through. She quickly texted me and said, "Call now." I tried blowing it off saying, "Oh it's nothing, I'm okay - really," not wanting to bother her.

"Call. now. Deb."

Those are the rare breeds who will always leave a footprint in your life. Those are the ones who truly mean "how are you". Actions speak louder than words, and words are often left meaningless. I have a hard time trusting, and that's been a big issue for me all my life. For instance, I've been having really bad sleep problems lately. I jolt and gasp for air every time I try falling asleep. It has gotten worse and worse, to where I nearly convulse, until Madelene holds me down or comforts me in some way. We thought maybe it was neurological, so we went to a sleep specialist who wanted to check for mycologic seizures.

Lovely image, huh? 
Off to the sleep study I went. They hooked up a million and one wires on me. They stuck electrodes all over my head with vaseline-like glue that clumped up into small greasy balls onto my scalp. I cannot tell you how uncomfortable this was. I even said an hour into the sleep study that I didn't think I would make it. I can't sleep at home, so how the heck ---- and then I fell asleep. (I actually believe they have some sort of subliminal hypnotic crap blaring out of their secret speakers.) Anyway, to make a long story longer, they found nothing. NOTHING. Heart's fine, I do not have sleep apnea as thought and my 'jolts' and seizures were not neurological.

Anxiety. Panic. Fear. In other words: I'm a hot mess.

So off I went to see some money hungry psychiatrist who specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy and other types of relaxation methods that would help me. But he was so focused on money and kept asking me, "Are you sure you can only pay this much?" He was charging $150 per session for only 45 minutes. He was so scatterer-brained and blinded by the sight of cash that I couldn't possibly believe that he really wanted to help me. He wanted to help his bank account grow. He had no interest in how I felt, nor had any desire to help me other than give me textbook psychology bullshit. The entire hour was a complete waste of time and money.

You can't even find professional sincerity.

If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's fake people - the ones who pretend to care about you for the one hour they're in your home or the ones who call you since they have 15 minutes to spare. I usually don't like to bother people with my problems, but now - I will never go to anyone, ever again if I have any issue about anything. They will either use whatever you tell them against you, or they'll give you the "I'll be there for you" which is basically all pseudo gestures. So, I remain as one - as to only help myself - to only trust myself, and most of all, to trust God and let him be the one to be my psychiatrist in the sky.

I think in some aspect, I've become more antisocial with having to deal with so many insincere people. I've seen some people release top secret information about their best friends to their mutual friends. Reputation automatically tarnished - pass GO and collect $200. I've seen betrayal, I've gone through betrayal and I have witnessed so many people being so damn cruel to one another. I wonder if I'm starting to develop a dislike in humanity altogether, or if it's a subconscious fear from being hurt in the past. Maybe both? People are too loose with their words and careless with how they treat others. I'm not a saint either. I have my own flaws to deal with, but I try my hardest not to hurt others or make them feel bad about themselves. I will bite back if there's a heated argument though. And even then, I try to carefully pick my words wisely. Words can hurt more than physical pain.

They say that a person changes every 7 years (which may explain the 7 year itch), and I'm wondering if this is the case. I'm not the same person I was 7 years ago. I was very sociable and loved being around other people. I didn't care if someone spoke badly about me - screw it - but now, I guess I am kind of sick of the drama that goes behind being a social butterfly. I find myself very content with being alone or in the company of my family. Occasionally I have a wonderful group of friends I hang out with - but again, not deep-connected-soul-sister connections where I can let people completely in. At an arm's length, I'm quite comfortable, until someone can prove me wrong. And even though I am a very forgiving person who never  holds grudges, I wonder if this is an indicator of holding a grudge of some type - maybe not towards anyone in particular - just toward humans…?

Or maybe it boils down to having a trusted person tell all of your personal problems to someone in a derogatory manner. Picture this, Sicily, 1924 --- no wait --- picture this: you pour your heart out to someone, and that someone goes and tells a mutual friend about everything you've gone through and mocks it out in the open, even around others that haven't even met me yet. Then, the "listener" tells me! So that's where I am today. It's not even about forgiving and forgetting and blah blah blah. It's more about, you just cannot trust a soul with anything that you hold true to your heart. And that really sucks because you wanna give the benefit of the doubt to the ones you love. You. just. can't. And I have seen this happen to so many people! It's crazy. There is no value in secrets and personal conversations anymore. It's all out in the open and made to be mocked at.

So, I don't trust anyone anymore. It's me. It's God. I'm not on my own, but I do have the big guy upstairs to lean on for all my problems. I doubt He'll mock me.

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