Does It Matter Anymore?

In recent days, I haven’t written anything about anyone in particular, not even in my ‘encrypted’ type of post. Today is different. Since it’s a full moon and I’m feeling a bit feisty, I’m going to be writing ~one of those types of posts~... It’s not like I have this huge secret because everyone knows I’m an open book for the most part, but there are still remnants of my past that still haunt me today. At times, I feel like those remaining bits from ‘a day when’ have all picked up & left and moved on...until she reappears in one way or another. I’m not sure if absence makes the heart grow fonder or angrier, but in this case, I got my answer through a comment she had left for me on my blog. And from her very own words, answering my question of “why”, which I will use for this post, “Does it matter?”

So let me ask “you” ----why does it matter? Why does it matter what I write about? Why do my opinions and beliefs still matter to you? The last time we spoke, you were very angry with me - angry that I didn’t abide to your rules and the way you wanted things to be. I couldn’t do it, so I respectfully stepped out of the box and let you remain inside. It was your choice to be happy in your box or step out of your box and find your own path, or...remain bitter and angry traveling in that small box of rage. You followed me for a very long time, even before I had met you. You admired my beliefs, opinions and strong point of views. Now, the very thing you once admired about me is detested.

There was a time you were so angry with me, because you didn’t get what you initially wanted. You took my book and ripped every single page out of it, screaming at me, calling me a hypocrite. I never said I was perfect. I never promised anything other than my friendship, love and a shoulder to cry on if you needed. At one time, “my biggest fan”, the person who always emailed me with her thoughts and perspectives on every single article I had written, has now come back onto my blog to reap rewards of revenge, of telling me otherwise. When I received your angry response, which hasn’t been many this past year, I would trek back to your old commentary and feel better about your attacks. I kind of knew that yes, it still mattered.

Here are some of my favorite things you have written to me, before you met me and during the time of our friendship.

"This blog is good for connecting with others who have had similar feelings to yours. It is like a support group in a way, and everyone here takes your feelings seriously. What a wonderful thing! Everyone has something different to offer you. You have so much! I acknowledge that you feel shitty and there is not a thing I can do about it except offer emotional support and a soft place to land. I can offer cognizance, respect, patience, affection. Maybe not the bandages that will help, let alone solve anything, but for what its worth, you've got all of it from me. I will do anything for you.”

I thought so too. I love this blog because it allows me to connect with different people and share my views with many who agree or disagree. I have learned so much from my readers and those whom I love to read. The cognizance, respect, patience and emotional support was a limited time offer. “I will do anything for you.” Can you get past this? Can you get past the anger, rage and bitterness? Can you? If that offer still applies, I’d like to take that off the shelf please. 

“I don’t think I have ever once thought, ‘at least I’ll know’ prior to exploring a risk or a new goal. I think ‘Omg, this is so exciting!’ or ‘Odg, this is scary’, but I am doing it anyways because it is the right thing to do for me to be able to grow."

My definition of growing is moving beyond our past - moving towards something more positive. In fact, while I was having lunch with a friend, we were discussing people who can’t let go of the past. How can someone “grow” if they are unable forgive and at least, try to forget so it doesn’t come up to the surface once again? Bitterness is like a slew of weeds choking every flower in the garden.

Oh, and I have an example from the very words you once used...

“Emotional health is like a garden. You water and cultivate the soil and growth happens naturally. Right now, you feel your growth is stumped.”

I totally agree, and now, I am using your own sentence to talk to you. Do you feel in some ways that your growth is stumped? Obviously it is since you are still on my blog speaking to me in condescending ways. It’s okay though. Since the only person you seem to agree with is yourself, maybe you can read your very own words and use them to "cultivate your soil", so this way, growth can happen. 

Eat crow my friend.

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