Baby Talk

Apparently I’m known to change my mind faster than a leprechaun drinking a pint of beer. I prefer to call them “second thoughts” or the “what if syndrome”. I think it’s pretty normal, but others find it peculiar, and downright annoying. I call it “just being me”. There is always a major decision in your life that you’re faced with, where you either have to say yey or nay - there’s no other choice and if you make no choice at all, you have made one indeed. Basically, whatever you do and whatever you don’t do - time will make the choice for you.

My clock’s ticking. My life’s aspiration was never to be a soccer mom or even remotely close to being a parent. I have my own thing. Call it being selfish, call it what you’d like, but I am not a caretaker unless it’s my wife, and she’s pretty low maintenance. It all started roughly three months ago. We were talking about getting a dog. We’re both highly allergic to animals, and were looking at non-hypoallergenic small dogs, like a Shih Tzu or perhaps a Yorkie. My mind raced over to wee-wee pads and little “mistakes” on our freshly cleaned carpet, and of course, my OCD problem. I don’t want to eat where my dog shits. The smell alone would make me dry heave. My condo is small enough as it is, no less have a dog that defecates anywhere it pleases. I have plants. I’m happy with that.

“When are we going to start our family?”  This question loomed over my head like a huge anvil waiting for the last tiny thread of the rope to finally snap. It’s all set. We have our donor: her brother who looks exactly like her. Of course I’ll be carrying since Madelene had a partial hysterectomy a few years back, and I had promised her that if we were to ever have children, that we always had my bread basket. It was more on the lines of my uterus locked up in some volt that had a label saying, "IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY - BREAK GLASS!"  I still don’t know if I could even have kids, but I do know that her brother whom I love to pieces is more than happy to help us. There are plenty of other options, however I have more chances of winning the Mega Millions than adopting a child here in our own country. How sad is that?

And now, I unveil the curtain of my mind. I warn you, it might not be pretty, so prepare yourself for “Deb’s Thinking Process”.

* I need to lose weight before I gain weight. That sentence sounds really bizarre, but if you think about it - it sounds perfect.

* Do I really want to raise a child in a 2 bedroom condo for the first couple of years? Does it matter?

* Where will my office be?

* Where will my treadmill go? It's a great clothes hanger.

* Where will my musical instruments be stored?

* Oh muy GAWD - I have to carry the baby up and down those horrid stairs.

* I will bitch slap the next person who tells me to breast feed.

* Postpartum depression - God forbid! I’m a mess as it is now.

* Will I ever have sex again?

* No more romantic getaways...

* Nine months without a drink???

* “Mommy I want the iPhone!”

* “Mommy I want a computer!”

* Minivans

* What the hell am I going to do with my sports coupe now?

* I have no time for a mid-life crisis.

* My mother suggesting if I do have a baby to bring them up with pets. Ugh, clean up in aisle 1 please!

* Where can I find an
affordable nanny/maid/butler/cook for one small condo?

The “talks” are still in progress. I have not made a concrete choice. Being that in a couple of weeks I will be 36 years old (which is my baby cut off time), I have to make the choice soon. I have so many projects ahead of me and feel like if I do go ahead with this, then all of those dreams go down the drain. Having a baby means diving headfirst into a pool of complete submission to your little bundle of joy. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe that’s the type of love I need right now - the love of a child needing the constant undivided attention of their parents that will put their lives aside for their family unit.

I’m still semi-against this entire ‘baby thing’. I can’t bear seeing myself being some soccer mom in a maroon minivan wishing I was on some private beach ----alone. I see what other moms go through. They are superwomen: amazingly attentive and patient. I don’t know if I can be like them. They say everything changes once you have a baby. It’s a life-altering change. I’m finally at a place where I can truly say, “I love my life”---but maybe that’s a good time to think about starting a family?

This is still in the ‘talks’, but I’ve decided that instead of telling people, “Hey, I’m pregnant”, after three months of already knowing, I want to be public with my choices as well as the “trying processes” and results. It should be an interesting journey if you want to follow this. And please don't forget, a woman has a right to change her mind. God knows I change it often. I hope I don't change it when I'm 8 months pregnant. 

Any suggestions or things to think about from other parents out there?