Thursday, May 22, 2014

Abandoned, Yet Occupied

Throughout the years, people come in and out of our lives - like the saying,  for a reason, a season or for a lifetime.  There are people that come into our lives who teach us something valuable that we'll need for our future. There are people who just stumble across our path when we're going through a hard time, and without them, we wouldn't have probably made it out of that storm. But then there are those types of people who are with us every step of the way. Even those people sometimes leave us unexpectedly, sadly as that sounds. It's no wonder that the majority of us, and I'm using that term loosely, feels abandoned. There's this sense of looming abandonment that we all have because let's face it - we've all lost someone we have loved through a breakup or even through death. Both are very similar, except when someone leaves you and is still alive, then that's a conscious choice for whatever reason. I'm not sure which one is more hurtful to tell you the truth. Many people look at their "perfect" surroundings filled with people with seemingly perfect health and think, "They'll always be in my life forever." And just like a photograph with you and all of these loved ones surrounding you, through years to come, you'll find that one by one they start disappearing from the picture.

The sad truth is, it can happen to you. It will happen to you, if you're not the one to leave first.

It's crazy how some of us, including myself, have a fear of this crazy ebb and flow of this life. How one day can be perfect, and the next, so drastically different and perhaps devastating. Have you ever loved someone with all your heart, with all your mind and energy and will to live and then suddenly, they're gone, whether through choice or by passing? All that extra energy can really tear down your faith in life, in God or just humanity itself. You start to build walls and chant within yourself, "That'll never happen to me again. I'm not ever letting anybody else in." So, you remain abandoned, yet occupied in your mind and heart. You fill up those abandoned spaces filled with resentment and grief. It lingers, because the walls you built around your heart and mind are just too high for them to escape this abandoned building. It's empty, filled with only things you've tried to replace it with. It's like trying to furnish a beautiful empty mansion with the shambles and rubble of a torn down building. It's messy. It's gritty. It. needs. help.

So instead of replacing what's missing, start tearing down the walls of your heart and mind. Let some people come in - even if you have to interview them and see if they're genuine enough. Be open. By letting the walls down, you're also letting resentment, bitterness and some of the grief escape. It takes time. I hate the saying, "Trust no one!" -- NO. I disagree. Trust, until you have a reason not to. People are imperfect, they have flaws and quirks that we have to take into consideration. We all have imperfections. Don't blame a newcomer for what someone in your past has done to you. People are different - even if you tend to gravitate toward the 'same' type of people. When you genuinely let people in, instead of "replacing" them, you'll see that one day, you can love again, you can have that best friend back again, you can be YOU again.

All of this I say with experience. When you try to replace something or someone that's not meant to be, it'll never work. It's like trying to fit a triangle into a box. Never force a relationship, whether friendship or an intimate relationship. Forced unions suffer the struggles of 'trying to fit in', all because of the fear of being alone. There's a saying - and I'm not sure who quoted this, but it is better to be alone, than to be lonely while being with somebody. It's almost as bad as feeling abandoned, yet that person is still there available to talk to…kind of…sort of, like perhaps talking to a wall. Nobody wants walls. Tear them down. Be open. Be inviting. Don't fear abandonment, unless you plan to occupy that abandoned building.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!