Thursday, July 08, 2010


Generally speaking, your friends, family or acquaintances don’t mean anything by what they say sometimes. It’s up to you whether you take offense to something or not. If it’s downright offensive, then it’s a given you’re gonna be teed off, but when do you cross that bridge where you can’t decipher whether or not to be offended? For example, I have a good friend of mine who likes to always relate to whomever they’re speaking to. And if she’s talking me and asks, “Oh, may I bring a friend along”, before I can even say yes, she blurts out, “oh and she’s a lesbian too!” I know she’s just trying to be nice and let me know that she has more than one gay friend, but I’m not sure why I would be interested in her friend’s sexuality - however - I do understand why she does it. In fact, many people I know do it. I’ll admit, it’s nice to know that her friend’s a “sister”, but it’s not necessary, since I don’t make friends based on people's sexuality.

What if I do the same to my African American friend? “Oh, do you mind if I bring a friend along? She’s black too you know...” I think my friend would go into complete shock. I’m writing about this because I’m curious to know what you think. There are so many people who mindlessly do this, without thinking about the twist of meanings, that it may be a bit racial or perhaps, offensive in many cases. It’s just the same as saying, “Oh I have a best friend who’s black” - it just doesn’t sit well for many people, including myself. In a really twisted outlook on this, it’s almost comparable to affirmative action in a socializing aspect, where people are so desperate not too look discriminative, that they force themselves into having a best friend who is a minority, so that they’ll look “good”. Just as a company sometimes hires minorities (not immigrants off the books mind you) so that their company will look like an EOE.

Here’s another gripe of mine: people trying to set me up or “meet this lesbian girl”, just because I’m gay. They never think, “Oh wait, she’s married already”---they go right into the general stereotype that all homosexuals are promiscuous or cheaters. “Oh you gotta meet this girl, she is so hot and you’re gonna love her personality.” I just look at whoever is saying this and reply, “Well, I don’t care if she looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, if she’s nice, bring her along!” Why people think that I’m “still looking” is beyond me. Hey, don’t get wrong, my wife and I appreciate a beautiful woman when we see one, and even when we go out, we may say, “Oh wow she’s really pretty”, but on a general knowledge basis type of thing. We’re married, not dead.

My next issue deals with heterosexual couples who somehow get the idea that since Madelene and I are a lesbian couple, that it automatically means that we’re up for “a good time” with them. Pretty presumptuous, huh? This one offends me out of all the ones above, because it basically states that they think we’re ‘low enough’ to even ask or imply in some way. Hey, if that’s your thing then who am I to judge? I know a few people who are married and they’re swingers, but don’t come knocking on this door thinking that they’re a couple of lesbians waiting for the opportunity to swing with you, only if you’re Porche De Rossi & Ellen Degeneres, then we just might make an exception.

So next time you’re trying to relate to a friend, whether he/she is black, white, Jewish, Christian, gay or lesbian, you may wanna try refraining on “relating” too much. You might just offend someone.


Jess said...

Word. I recently had a friend, who, for whatever reason, felt like we were not inviting her to do things with us. She even asked if it was because she wasn't gay. Absurd!

After hearing that I was first offended and secondly I actually pondered how many gay friends we actually have. We counted two. TWO. Everyone else we hang out with is straight.

We don't make friendships based on sexuality and I honestly had NEVER even thought about it! I consider me and Krystal to be exactly the same as our straight friends!

After mulling it over for a bit I realized that her words were said out of frustration (recently ending a relationship, her graduation from school, her financial situation, not having a job, etc.) and it was easier to attack me at the moment.

Since then I have gone above and beyond to invite her out...alas, the diet has gotten in the way of us actually getting out and doing things, but off subject and now back to it...

The Ellen and Porche comment TOTALLY cracked me up! Krystal and I have exceptions too! Her is Julia Stiles and mine is Milla Jovovich and about a dozen other famously hot people! LOL!

Good rant!

Monkey Man said...

Why is a great question. Why don't people think before they speak? Perhaps they honestly are trying to relate on some more personal level, but I know if someone said to me "my friend is bald, too." I wouldn't be upset so much as asking myself WTF is the purpose of bringing that to the conversation. What are you gonna do?

I get bald comments from people who would never make a similar comment to a fat person. Maybe they think I am thick skinned or perhaps they are just insensitive. Whatever. It is just another case of speaking before you think.

Great post, Deb.

John McElveen said...

You are so right on top of the truth- I love it!

Why do we say those awkward things that immediately tie us to an "area of bigotry and judgment" that we portray. They played the "Race" card need be non-existent language. It ALL needs to go away--REALLY Go away!


Some of my best ideas are confessions! LOL

Deb said...

Jess, I think there are some people who feel a bit left out when they are surrounded by one group of people. It’s normal, but their paranoia gets the best of them and they feel like, just because one group is gay or one group is Hispanic, that it means nobody is included. I think it stems from insecurity issues. ...And yes, the famous “untouchables” are always exceptions, until and “if” we meet them in person of course. ;)

MM, Exactly! What is the purpose? As the title of my post, “WHY?” And of course, you know the old saying right? “To make yourself look thinner, hang around fat people...” Needless to say, I gained a lot of....thin friends. O_O

John, It’s tricky, isn’t it? You don’t know whether or not to be offended or just look at it at a standpoint of, “Oh, they’re insecure...” But I’d rather play the offensive role of course, because well, I’m a sonnovabitch! :)

Katherine said...

Well I would never speak like this to anyone. I pride myself in always trying to say the right thing so as not to cause offense. I don't think people should judge others based on any kind of difference unless of course they are an ax murderer or something equally as sinister.
I would never delve into another persons private life or sex life for that matter!
I often why we, the human race, feel the need to categorize groups of people. I guess it's all about trying to maintain a pecking order or something !!!
Me, I would much rather see each person I know for who they are as an individual because after all that is what makes life so's the differences!

coopernicus said...

We live in a society of labels, whether it's books, music, food, political persuasions, religion, sexuality or nationality. And so many have swallowed the media/political kool-aid that these labels are ultimately defining. It is segregation at the most base level: "You're one of these so you belong over there" or "This person is kewl because thay have the same subset of labels."
It's hubris taken to the extreme in the name of "security", at a personal and a national level.

Sexuality, IMHO, gets the largest backhand. I am mystified by people who equate being homosexual as a sign complete promiscuity, as if that is all life is about. It's a personal preference that has no further consequence on a person's true self than whether that person prefers vanilla or chocolate ice cream.

coopernicus said...

oh, btw...everytime I hear that Katy Perry song I have a built in video in my's kind of kewl actually...

RedRaven1968 said...

Hi Deb,long time no see. I think that the answer to your question here as to "why?" goes back to primal instinct to "group". Whether we realize it or not, we excercise this instinct many times, being that humans used to have to "group" in order to survive (et al Strength in numbers). So when someone says a comparison upon introduction, they are really saying "Lets group so we can survive".

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