Topics dealing with mental health, grief, relationships and the sole reliance on trusting God.
All articles are written by Debra Pasquella.
It never ever ends...so it seems. At this point, it's no longer an embarrassment so much as it is a joke now -- a very painful joke. Let me just start out by explaining my evening last Saturday night. My entire family got together for a BBQ. Everyone was having fun, I was limping around, but enjoying myself for once. I thought to myself, even with all the pain I'm in, life is still worth living if I can still spend time with my family, laugh, talk, share some wine with the people I love the most. Well, it was like God giving me a test. Later that night, I was getting ready to go to bed. As I was getting changed, I noticed something odd on my chest -- like an opened wound. I honestly did not feel anything. As I walked up closer to the mirror, I realized that the wound wasn't only huge, but it was severely infected with a red line traveling upward. I'm used to seeing a red line when my mother gets cellulitis. It's nothing to mess around with. So, off to the ER I go...again and again and again. The doctor reassured me that this was the best choice, only because I could have been in big trouble if I didn't come for the antibiotics. They sent me home popping six pills a day for seven days, and two different antibiotics. Let me just say it's the best colon cleanse ever. (Hope you're not having lunch while reading this.) I started to get used to the side effects and they even dissipated a tad. The second night of treating the wound with antibiotics and topical solutions, I went to take the bandage off and made two more wounds, by ripping off the adhesive alone. Well, those two wounds got infected and a line began to travel...once again. I'm sitting here now waiting for the cultures to come in so that they can determine whether or not it's MRSA. (The super bug.) So, they send me home to be with family -- meanwhile not knowing if I'll infect anyone else? Does that sound right to you? Wouldn't you keep me in the hospital for safety of others? And for myself?? After a few days, it's finally healing very nicely.
I refuse to poison myself.
Fast forward four days and I'm almost feeling ok, dealing with minimal pain from my back and sciatica. I even attempted to make breakfast this morning. While getting into the shower, I made some sort of movement that made my right leg go numb and powerless. Down I went, screaming in pain, holding onto the counter trying to get up. I can't take NSAIDs because of my stomach bleeding, I can't take Percocets because my breathing gets really shallow and I can't smoke pot because I absolutely hate the stuff. I have nothing to relieve me. Every doctor is shoving oxycodone down my throat or they're telling me to pop Vicodins. I refuse. I called my physical therapist because I had an appointment today. He told me to put ice on my back for 15 minutes every hour. I can hardly move. I'm sitting upright on the couch with ice packs and my dog staring at me, hoping I'll take her out for a run like we usually do. I can only sleep on one side and the sleep I get is next to none. I get it - there are people worst off than I am. Some who are paralyzed or suffering with diseases, and here I am complaining about a non-life threatening condition that is leaving my quality of life like shit. I'm angry, I'm very depressed and sometimes, I feel like I just don't want to live anymore. I pray ---a lot. I read something a friend wrote. She stated, "Whenever you're going through a hard time in your life and wonder, 'Where is God,' -- just remember, the teacher is always quiet during a test." For now, I'm off to the orthopedist/pain management center. Please say a few prayers or send some positive energy my way for healing. I'm grateful I'm in good health, but the pain is something I'm really suffering with --- physically and emotionally. I'm strong though. My faith in God is strong and my willpower not to take any Percocets, NSAIDs, or other methods of pain relief are even stronger. It seems like, if it's not one ailment, it's another. I can't live this way. I just hope that I don't lose hope. I'll be back to my daily rants once I start feeling a little better. Thanks for letting me vent. And thank you for reading.