Monday, November 15, 2010

Biding Her Time...

Why do things seem so much clearer once a sufficient amount of time has gone by? In the midst of all the madness, all things are foggy, unclear, confusing and perhaps seemingly ‘not so bad’. The eye of the storm is the most calmest, giving you an illusion of “peace and happiness”; a facade of tranquilness, well at least for now. When it comes to an end, you’ll have the approach the wall of the storm that’s swirling around you, waiting, hoping that you’ll enter its fury. Most of times, we know it’s waiting for us, but we don’t know exactly when we’ll be approaching that wall. For those with half a brain who are smart enough to know that ‘this relationship’, ‘this situation’ or whatever circumstance that they’re in the midst of - it’s as thrilling as bungee jumping. They know the consequences, yet they’re brave enough, or perhaps, bored enough to seek the thrill they’ve been yearning for. They don’t mind the risks, the consequences of the worst case scenario - they just want the thrill, hence the phrase, “thrill seekers”. It’s almost comparable to a drug addict. They’re desperate for their “next fix”, doing anything to get what they’re looking for. They know it’s bad for them, but they need it; they crave the “high” and know that the low is inevitable.

Are you sickened by my metaphors yet, or shall I go on and on? My favorite quote by Einstein: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Through experience and also seeing others go through this, I have to say that I’ve been through the insane road of going around the mountain a billion times until I learned that it was no longer fun and wasn’t benefitting me whatsoever. There was no destination other than grief. Why do some people cheat on their spouses, and yet keep them? Is it the thrill of getting caught or is it something they are lacking at home? If it’s something they are lacking at home, either separate from them or be honest and communicate about what you need. But the truth of most cases like these is that they never leave their spouses. I would say 90% of the time too. A good friend of mine is dating a married woman. The woman she's seeing has been with her husband for over ten years but is seeing my friend who happens to be another female. The husband has no clue other than “her friend” is coming over to pick her up. No harm in that, right? This has gone on for a few years now. My friend has fallen madly in love with her, with mutual feelings by the married woman. Of course, the married one had promised my friend that soon, she’ll be without her husband because she wasn’t in love with him and they are no longer intimate. Fast forward two years later, the married woman is in fact, still married and still sleeping in the same bed as her husband.

I’m writing this post with full permission of my friend who chooses to be anonymous, however would like to hear advice from others. She has been around the same mountain at least five times already, whether it be with another taken woman or someone who was married. I called her out on it and said she had commitment issues. She’d rather date someone who couldn’t ‘attach’ so much. She disagrees of course and claims that she just falls in love with who she falls in love with--period. Fine. But what explains the reason why every single person has already been taken? Why not a single person? So, my friend sits around by the phone waiting and waiting....and waiting sometimes, with no response, no phone ringing, no text message, until the next day. “I’m sorry, my husband was here and we went out to dinner with the family.” I know for myself I could not bear the thought of someone I love sleeping with another man every single night while I slept alone just merely thinking of her. It’s not fair to do to yourself. The agony she goes through each and every day is excruciating to watch, and yet somehow, as I’ve said to her before, “I don’t feel bad for you, but I hope you make a wise decision.” This woman is never going to leave her husband - ever. The family bond that these two people have is incredible. Whatever intimacy issues they’re facing is their own, but it’s sad she had to bring my friend into this as a quick and gratifying pastime.

To my dear friend, when will you stop traveling around this endless mountain and take a different route? You deserve so much better and you’re wasting your life on hoping that a marriage will end. What then? What if you two have problems? Will she seek another gratifying pastime if you don’t satisfy her every whim? Think outside of the box and please, jump out of the box while you still have time. It’s too stifling for you. You're just biding your time for something you'll most likely regret.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit:


Just_because_today said...

I have two contradictory opinions to offer here...
A married person might offer her a sense of something she is used to in her childhood (old issues, unfinished business). Not having someone to herself, always competing for someone's love.
But also, going after a married person is to some a conquest. To go after what others have.
This might not pertain to your friend but have you ever met people who want what you have or what others have? their friends, their jobs, their...spouses?
Bottomline, we do it to ourselves. If we seek a relationship that is unattainable, it is our own doing, no one else to blame.

Shadow said...

time = distance = clarity.

as for why people do what they do. i would certainly never encourage another to stay in a relationship where the 'partner' is already involved with another. i just don't see a happy ending there. ever. and i always think that if that person could betray their husband/wife with me, what would stop them from doing it again if/when we are in a relationship... i'd have to agree with your 'jump out of the box while you still can'.

budh.aaah said...

Sometimes..people try and clutch at straws. It gives them an illusion of holding onto something for dear life,the feeling of air when you come up..that they are saved. But in their hearts they too know that its just an illusion, which might or might not last.

There is so much one could say on this topic..write reams but I will try and sum it up with something I wrote a few days back-

So it comes
to a draw
we both are
clutching at - flaws -
in our desperation..

the walking man said...

There are certain folks who like to touch the fire, feel the burn and keep going back to it. It's not pain to them it's the way life is supposed to be. Your friend needs a different definition of "supposed to be"

budh.aaah said...

And who is gonna give that different definition to them Mark(of what's "supposed to be" for real..true love)??

True love is hard to come by if ever and someone who waits eternally is like a piece of paper flailing in the wind without ever a word (of love) written on it..

The thirst for love (I dont mean physical though it be a beautiful part of it) sometimes in a soul is so great that it eats one up and then to just have never tasted that in life and pass away with a huge emptiness inside one..

Maybe your friend, Deb, is going by one of my fave Quotations
Explore, Dream, Discover..
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain
Though God knows I've trying to implement this quotation in my life now since a long time but chains are wrapped too strong around for escape.

Still to be able to taste that fruit before I die..

Deb said...

I don't know. Whether it's for the challenge, for fear of commitment issues, lack of self-esteem or anything else, I really feel bad for all involved. I totally understand that 'things happen', but when you've been burnt before a number of times because of a similar situation, isn't that the true definition of insanity?

Thanks for your input!!!!

Xmichra said...

I don't think it is commitment issues. Personally, I'd say it's because they are having fun and haven't realised the hurt they are causing.

Men and women have affairs for all sorts of reasons. But the person they choose, the lover, usually is someone who lets them "do" or "be" what they can't in the marriage. So it's kind of like having a no-limits person, grasping at the concept of being "free", and the lover gets to enjoy the ride.

Depending on your school of thought regarding sex (some view it as being seperate from emotion, some think it is essencial to bond that way emotionally), the person who is the lover may just assume that the ownus is on the "cheater' and not the "cheetee" kind of thing. They are, after all, not the one doing the deed with someone while being in a relationship. And in the eyes of a hedonist, sex is just sex. And that type of person is a magnet for the married person who wants to let loose. That kind of person, has no strings. Perfect.

So more to the point of the advice... well. I'd say that if you can look yourself in the mirror every day, and know without a shadow of a doubt that the actions you are taking aren't hurting anyone... then have at'er. But the second you see a pass of doubt, hang up the bad girl boots and figure yourself out before leaping into the next exciting piece of tail that turns your way.

You're worth more than a booty call anyway.

SSQuo said...

I believe in that Einstein quote a fair amount. If something isnt working, then another way must be sought or at least other reasons must be analyzed.

Human hearts are a funny thing, so easy to know what's right or wrong from the outside, and just when your feelings, sense of security, feeling loved and comfort come in...right or wrong take on such different meanings.

I hear you on wanting her to move on and respecting herself enough to pursue a single and available person, both physically and emotionally. And I hope that in time she realizes that she's living half the life she wants because the other half has been stifled by her companion being married.

I think the married woman needs to have a Deb talking to her too. :)