Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dysfunctional Holidays

Holiday fiasco and chaos has officially started this year. Dysfunctional family drama has risen to its peak and everyone and their mother is getting sick so let the games begin. As I sit and type this, I’m wondering if my flu-like symptoms are the result of the swine, the seasonal, a cold or just plain allergies. I called up my doctor’s office and asked them if there was any protocol regarding me walking in not knowing if I had the swine or not. “Should I wear a mask just in case?” They just laughed and said, “Naw, you’ll be fine.” I know I can be a bit narcissistic, but I was really asking for the safety of the patients I’ll be sneezing on. “Nawww, you’ll be fine.” Great - let’s see how many people we can infect so we can wash this thing clear off the board and call it a day. Idiots.

While I sit here mutating, waiting for my noon appointment, my neighbor Parveen has been ridden of the swine flu for the past week or so. I keep texting her, asking her all sorts of questions about every little detail she has gone through. She’s ready to throw her phone into my bedroom window right now. “Did you get pneumonia?” “Can you breathe?” “What kind of medicine did they give you?” Once I found out that you have to breathe in some sort of white powder, I thought to myself, ---ANTHRAX! Now you can see the process of my mental illness. Maybe it’s a psychological thing because once I found out my neighbor got the swine flu, I immediately developed a high fever. These walls must be really thin.

My Thanksgiving guests who are on Facebook have all become fearful of coming here this Thursday because of my status messages. Now it’s just Madelene, me and a 20 lb turkey for two. I kept insisting that I didn’t know if I had the swine flu just yet, and to wait until later this afternoon so I can give them the verdict. “No thanks” was the response. Hell, I’d be the same way too though. I can’t blame them. We hardly have space for this 20 lb beast and I had suggested that we just cook our frozen turkey breast instead, but it wouldn’t be “tradition” if it was without legs, Madelene stated. So swine or no swine, that bird will be cooked regardless. We’ll be eating turkey for months to come.

Since I am stuck home, I will be entertaining myself with catching up on all my favorite blogs, reading, playing stupid Facebook trivia games, poking people and of course Twittering until my tweeter is worn out. Feel free to entertain me.

And now, to entertain you. This video is hysterical. It’s about how Facebook can ruin a relationship.