Friday, November 06, 2009

Bad for the Heart...

Yesterday I was having a lot chest pains and shortness of breath. Usually, when I go into the ER, they make me take EKG tests, blood work and other cardio tests to ensure that it’s nothing more than anxiety or a bubble of gas. I’ve gone so many times to the emergency room that doctors already know the answer to my ailments. I feel as though they’re all saying, “Oh it’s her again,” as I walk through the ER doors. Last night, I refused to get medical help with my chest pains. Madelene wanted to drive me to the emergency room, but the thought of waiting for hours upon hours to hear it was nothing more than mere indigestion just didn’t sit well with me. I said, “I’m leaving it in God’s hands,” and then went to sleep. This morning though, I felt a tad better, but with a lot of anxiety about what had happened. I’m going to the doctor this afternoon to get a brief checkup and an EKG reading, which sometimes doesn’t even tell you what’s really going on.  Pointless.

My stress levels have been rising lately and partially due to my new project. It should be good excitement, but I’m feeling the side effects of all that positive excitement into a bundle of anxiety. The “what ifs” come to mind and now that I have a couple of well known people that will be in this film, the pressure is slightly on to be a complete perfectionist. I had a few audio problems with my last interview, which my friend is going to digitally enhance for me in his studio to make it sound better and I just found out that my new camera which I spent a good amount of money on does not have a sound port. So with all the mic equipment that I have purchased, this all went to waste somewhat. My sister who works for Sony is lending me a different camera for this weekend while I will be in the city interviewing Amy Beckerman as well as shooting parts of her show. It’s basically the fact that it’s a ‘one man production crew’ (me) which freaks me out somewhat. I’m doing all the camera work, editing and everything else that needs to be taken care of for insurance purposes. Madelene is a big help when she can assist, but sometimes I feel like I’m out on a limb here by myself trying to pull this all together. It may take weeks, months, even a year to get this done, but I’m sure it’ll all come together.

The reason this project is so close to my heart is that people need to be heard. There are so many judgmental people when it comes to religion and lifestyles. They want to slam you over the head with a crucifix and tell homosexuals that they need to be cured. Other religions have the same mindset sometimes. This sets people back somewhat into a corner of resentment, making them completely walk away from everything they have once believed and cherished. Although I have somewhat stepped out of the scene of writing about why I feel homosexuality isn’t a sin, I’m finding myself sliding back, wanting to defend those who need to be heard.

As I went to check the status of my post on a message board over at Blogcatalog, someone posted this comment:

“@Pasquella: There is absolutely not a doubt in my mind that you are one of the most sincere people I have ever had the privilege to meet. I also do not have a doubt in my mind that you have a wonderful relationship with your partner, and this is what makes it so hard. For it is just as wrong for you to be in love with her in that way as it would be if she was a married man with three small children at home. As in regards to Scripture, Romans 1:18-32, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and 1 Timothy 1:8-11 are very clear that homosexuality (even that which is practiced as purely as you do) is a sin that needs to be repented of, and arguing that those passages were written by the Apostle Paul is a moot point. For ALL Scripture came from our Heavenly Father to serve as written confirmation of what He wants to personally reveal to us. Please, I beg of you, keep listening for His voice. For our Heavenly Father is the only One who can convince you of what the truth is.”

I understand that there are people who highly disagree with my lifestyle and I appreciate them trying to “save me”, but what I don’t understand is how they can equate adultery with a loving lesbian marriage -- or any marriage at all. I DO see their point and how they came to those conclusions, but here’s what another person had said:

“Also, you want to be sure not to accuse others of judging in the sense where Jesus does not judge. I have not seen in this discussion anyone judging you, condemning you, calling down the wrath against you, or seeking your punishment but rather warning you against doing those things that lead to those things, just as Jesus did.”

But in the same breath, these people are telling me to repent and give up my sin - aka - get divorced from my wife and leave my best friend behind. It’s contradictory in my opinion. I can totally see why so many gays and lesbians turn to atheism, because they are simply sick and tired of judgmental Christians bashing the bible up against their heads. But it’s not about the people - it’s about the personal relationship that others have with God - whoever they worship. No one should be judged and ridiculed just because of their lifestyle, unless they are seriously hurting someone in the process. I’ve gone over this in the past in my blog time and time again, but somehow, it seems to bubble up to the surface as I make my way into filming people who need to be heard.

I hope the people who I am fortunate enough to interview will have the opportunity to voice their beliefs and reassure others that God still loves them, regardless of their lifestyles.  And the entire thread, if you go over to the hyperlink I provided for Blogcatalog was all about people of different faiths---not just Christianity.  It was also to see if anyone was interested in possibly being interviewed about their own personal beliefs, yet there seemed to have been a misunderstanding where all these Christians came out of the woodwork to display a whole lotta' judgments about it. 

And now, I must prepare to go see the doctor about my chest pains. Religion is really bad for the heart.


Dana said...

Hmmm ... I know that God still loves me even when I sin, and since I cannot equate your loving, monogamous relationship with sin, He might even love you more than me :)

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Deb, darlin', you are continually being confronted by pseudo-Christians who are much too confident in their narrow view of God. Nothing you do or say will change their minds. (I've been trying for almost 40 years with minimal success).

So, since I can't get them to see truth, I pray for those who distort the Good News of the Gospel and are only fooling themselves. Amen.

As for your project, please let go of the anxiety. It doesn't help a damnable bit. Your project is right, so remember the words of ole Davy Crockett: Be sure you're right and then go ahead.

And pleases remember: Mad loves you, I love you, and God loves you. What more do your need, my very dear friend?

Just_because_today said...

I keep reading about your "lifestyle" and I can't help but wonder what is so different about your lifestyle that Society is against? you have a home, you live with a person you love, you work, pay taxes. What is so different about it?
And the funny thing is that we assume God is as narrow minded as we are.

paz13 said...

Hope the chest pains get better and you make progress on the documenatry this weekend.

Keep us posted.


Rachel said...

Reading your blog makes me glad I live in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At least my gay friends can be themselves and marry whoever they want. That doesn't mean that their is no one here to judge them ofcourse, but still. I hope your chest pains get better. Good luck with the documentary!

Drew B. Dope said...

I think you know my policy on the religion issue after the last post.

However, I do hope you get well soon. If not, I will find you... and I will hit you with soc' em boppers until you feel better. Thank you. =P

Monkey Man said...

Live your life in happiness and F them.

the walking man said...

Be anxious for nothing

Ananji said...

Deb, when I read posts of yours about the religious debates over homosexuality, I am always perplexed into silence. It hurts me somehow to think about your having to face down such remarks and derision. I don't even know you, but I relate to your spirit.

I've never been able to intellectually grasp the mindset that any one religion or philosophy has been given the rule book of life. It seems that in every denomination or school of theological thought, there are those that overlook the guidance factor and go straight for the literal. I'm embarrassed by my own church when I hear/read about this stand or that, which does not promote love and acceptance of our fellow humans, but something less divine, less humble, more complex.

You're doing important work, Deb. When I am in the low frame of mind about my own life circumstances, I try to keep my eye on the fact that we all have our burdens and crosses to bear, but those things that so weigh us down are also the blessings that show the world the rightness in principle, the strength and dignity of endurance, and the integrity in emotionally deflecting the sticks and stones hurled in our direction. You're all those blessings.

"I Shall Not Walk Alone" by Ben Harper...

with love and admiration,

Dominica said...

anything i can do to help let me know.......
99% of worry turns out to be nothing to worry about!
if you are called to the mission, you will succeed (and your heart)....

Neers said...

Hey Deb, longggggggggg time!
You are one of the very few honest people, i have come across! this makes you beautiful!!

all the very best! and i know, it sucks to spend dough and miss a tiny detail... i recommend Sony! :)

oh by the way, i am a mommy now! just thought would share the blessing with you!