Saturday, January 03, 2009

Be Careful What You Wish For...

In the past and not so far away, I use to be guilt stricken. I used to let it take over my entire life where I’d be doing everything and anything out of guilt. It could be so vaguely done that I didn’t even realize the reasoning behind it. I just thought it was something I had to do.

I don’t care anymore.

It sounds so selfish and cold, doesn’t it? “I don’t care anymore.” I say this in terms of doing things out of guilt, apologetic repetitiveness and the “assumed” right thing to do. But if I delve a bit deeper into the reasons why I do what I do, it might make a little more sense if I said, I did it out of selfish reasons; the total opposite reasoning of why I don’t care anymore.

I’ve muttered the words “I’m sorry” too many times. I’ve constantly begged for forgiveness from others, when in fact a simple “I’m sorry” would have sufficed.  After that, it’s up to that person to forgive me or not. Begging for forgiveness means “you’re not worthy and not a good person if the forgiveness isn’t granted” in our minds. So, why do we beg for forgiveness sometimes? In many circumstances, it’s for selfish motives. When you are forgiven, you feel better. The burden has been lifted. However, after you have genuinely and sincerely apologized, is it your job and mission to make sure that the apology was accepted to the full extent; to where forgiveness is given to you by the other person?

It’s out of your hands and into God’s. Let it go.

“I don’t care anymore.”

Say it.

Words have power. The more you say something, the more of a reality it becomes. “I just can’t get over this.”

“I’m over it.”

As I sat praying one day, I asked for a particular thing from God. I kept saying, “Why can’t I just get past this?”   He answered: “Say you are past it.”

How can I say something I don’t feel?

“Say it.”   He said.

And I did. I kept saying this for days until one day I woke up and was amazed at the lack of passion and feeling I had toward this particular matter.  I literally did not care anymore.

On New Year’s Day, my wife and I were sitting on the couch enjoying a cup of coffee and talking about this subject. I told her what had happened to me while praying. She looked at me almost puzzled and said, “I cannot believe you are bringing this up.” She went over to her little bible and pulled out a piece of paper with some literature on it.

She read it to me:

“It’s time you begin to undo some of the things you’ve done with your words. It’s time to get your words in line with God’s Word and release your angels. This prayer will begin that process: Father, in the name of Jesus, I repent of my ignorance of the Word of God. I ask You to forgive me of the foolish things I’ve prayed. **(And believe me, I have prayed for some foolish things!)** In Jesus’ name, I bind every word that has released the devil or drawn his weapons toward me. I bind every hindering force that I’ve ever given strength to by the words of my mouth. I break the power of those spiritual forces, in Jesus’ name.”

I thought for a moment about all of the things that I’ve been praying for this year and realized that some of them were not meant to be and were foolishly thought to be a decent thing to pray for. Of course it does say in the bible that if you ask your Father for something, that He will grant it to you.

If it’s not in God’s will and healthy for you (mentally or physically), then you might not see that come into fruition. Looking back years ago, I remember praying for something so hard and when it didn’t happen, I was angry at God and questioned if He even heard me at all. Hindsight 20/20, I realized that if I did get that request I had asked for, I’d be in so much trouble right now. My life would be completely different. So, I THANK GOD for not granting me that wish I once had.

“Ask and you shall receive.”

But also be thankful if that request doesn’t come through.  It might just save your life! Be careful what you wish might just come true.


SJ said...

I wish I were a billionaire playboy... now let's see THAT come true :)

Grant said...

I wish for bunny.

You're hearing voices in your head now? Good - you're on your way to becoming normal, like me. Although I wonder why it is that Jesus always tells me to stay home from work to oil my chainsaw. He must have other plans for me.

Just_because_today said...

I think that we, those of us who are played by guilt, need acceptance. We ask for forgiveness as a means to be accepted. Seldom achieved, though. We must accept ourselves first and then we can offer an apology instead of asking for forgiveness

Mind of MadMan said...

So true. Be careful what you want and wish for.

the walking man said...

Deb...forgiveness is the beginning of healing eh? I believe that in order to shower in the forgiveness of others one must first wash them selves in self-forgiveness. Once I have forgiven myself I can cast around looking to be forgiven by others and not doubt the veracity of that forgiveness.

I love the answers to prayer, like you say sometimes it is in the retrospect that we understand that the answer of the moment was the one that allowed us to navigate a bit clearer on this our journey.

The Mad Hoosier said...

I'm thinking along the lines of walking man here, Deb, in that you are speaking about self-forgiveness.

I did a post somewhere on my own blog about it recently...though I think it was under the umbrella of regrets.

I had a pretty traumatic event happen in my life that didn't really affect me until years later.

I asked God for forgiveness, and felt his forgiveness, and I felt like I forgave myself. But I never really asked the person that mattered for forgiveness, even though we had continued speaking to one another and never really discussed the "event".

Eventually...I felt as though I couldn't forgive myself until I asked for forgiveness from the other person. I hoped that they would forgive me...and of course since we continued speaking, I assumed they would/already did...but I just had this feeling inside me that I couldn't fully forgive myself until I asked the other person for forgiveness.

Then I realized...that whatever their answer...once I sincerely asked forgiveness from them, and since I knew I already had God's forgiveness, I could fully forgive myself.

I feel like it's less important to let it go, in the sense that you'd forget about it entirely, than it is to merely ask forgiveness from your heart.

We do stupid and crazy things in this life...we wouldn't be human otherwise. Being truly sorry for doing those things is all that one, and God, can ask for. All we can do past that is do our best not to repeat those mistakes. By doing that...we do God and our original offender a service, by learning from our mistakes.

~Deb said...

SJ: You might not like the lifestyle. Do you really want to wear a red robe all day and be bothered by mindless blondes? (Wait, lemme take back that question!)

Grant: And you might just get it. ha! Literally!

Just Because Today: Just as the old saying goes--”we have to love ourselves before we can love anybody else”... So true!

Mind of a Madman: This is true. We feel too much and want too much but never think about the outcome...or in some cases, “know” the outcome.

The Walking Man: It’s weird because when I’m in the middle of praying for what I want and then later it doesn’t come true or God doesn’t grant me my prayer, I get angry and ask, “Why why why???” Time proves that God was protecting me from disaster or just a bad situation altogether. It always happens like that.

The Mad Hoosier: Well, it’s not so much about “self-forgiveness”----although that is very important; it’s about the process of “saying the words”. Say it and then believe it. Letting go. Moving forward. Learning that God doesn’t have this or that planned for you. It’s just not in the cards. Accept it. So, if the other person does not forgive you, then accept it. Move on. But, say to yourself, “I don’t care.” And not in terms of being arrogant or cold---but to the extent of which it’ll no longer bother you anymore. Because I have already forgiven myself, but yet I had this longing for the other person to grant me forgiveness, when it’s nothing to do with that at all. It has everything to do with words having power, at least in this post.
”Being truly sorry for doing those things is all that one, and God, can ask for. All we can do past that is do our best not to repeat those mistakes. By doing that...we do God and our original offender a service, by learning from our mistakes.”

I totally agree! Thank you for that!