Friday, June 22, 2007

Moving to Denver

Yes, you read that right. I’m making the big move. I’m off to Denver to go live with Dani, Curtis and Maxime. Or wait- did I put that in the wrong order? I’m sorry. Curtis, Dani and Maxime. We have to make sure that the men are first and the women are last.

I’m excited though. They’ve opened their home to me. You can hear their invitation here. They’re providing me with my own bedroom within their home. My sister wives are setting me up with a ‘surprise husband’… Curtis. We are all going to be one happy family. See, when Maxime moved over to Denver to move in with Curtis and Dani, they were planning a “surprise husband”. Well, Curtis is one lucky man. He not only has two wives, he has three now. I plan to marry him a week after my stay, so we can fornicate as soon as possible. I hope my sister wives show me the ropes. Polygamy at its finest. I’m no longer a lesbian anymore. I’m a radical Christian fundamentalist that will be attending the Denver Bible Church.

So many events have been planned! Our first outing will be at a gay pride fest. We’re going to picket and warn these lost souls that they’re all headed straight to hell! We’ll march around their festival and scream on the top of our lungs, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” We’re clever like that. We’ll then take a ride down to the nearest military funeral to see if a gay soldier lost his life in the war. We’ll protest around the mourners with antigay pickets that read, “Gay soldiers go to hell!” We’ll smile and laugh, as we tell their loved ones where they are headed. It’s for the best you know.

After a long day of warning these sick perverts who hate God, we’ll head over to the Denver Bible Church and pray for them. We’ll pray for these heathens, who’ve taken pleasure in wicked activities and who’ve influenced others around them. We’ll pray that God will throw a bomb on them, leaving nothing but a birdcage of ashes. We’ll sashay over to the alter and sing Christian songs, like, “Another One Bites the Dust”, to show the seriousness of this, and “I’m Coming Out”, to show how we’re straight and proud!

"You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna! But you keep it all inside." Curtis says, in his most flamboyant voice.

We’ll head over to the club afterwards and dance the night away in rainbow colored strobe lights. Drinks will include pretty colored martinis and a margarita for Dani- as she prefers them.

We’ll come home to our sanctuary, where no one can see behind our closed doors. We’ll let Curtis do the interior decorating for my new room, and I’ll let Dani borrow my Birkenstocks for her next outing. Maxime will be quick to borrow my Indigo Girls, and KD Lang CDs. We’re all going to have a great time learning about one another as sister wives.

We’re all going to influence one another so nicely! Wish me luck!


TrappedInColorado said...

Nice, scything, in-your-face-you- judgemental-fools-who-will-burn-in-your own-hell post! I loved it! However, when I first read you were moving here I did a happy dance. Oh well. SHE lives in Denver? That explains the negative evil force I feel sometimes here. Come out to Denver anyway. Bring a friend. We'll counteract that Dani shit!

~Deb said...

All done in fun of course! We've been poking fun at one another instead of fighting, and they really did open up their home for me to convert me into an ex-gay soon-to-be wife. I know their intentions are good, but we certainly have different views. The polygamy thing is a joke--they want to set me up with a gentleman from their church to marry. (Not Curtis!)

Dani said...

Yeah - Ha-Ha - Very funny! You know I would NEVER share my man with anyone. He's all MINE!

You're poor readers. I'm sure everyone really wanted to hear about me first thing when you got back - sorry to disappoint you all. Well, like we said on the radio show, I guess the world really does revolve around you, Deb. At least around here it does.

Just one correction about the whole protesting thing - in all seriousness we would never picket a dead soldier's funeral or pray to God for more dead soldiers – that’s just evil. In fact, our church (DBC) has protested the Phelps family for doing such hateful things. Even we have our limits. - Imagine that!

BTW - The Hawaiian macadamia nut coffee is really good this morning, but we're about to run into a crisis cause were almost out of creamer.

~Deb said...

Dani! How are ya? Well, I’ve noticed that since I’ve been gone, you’ve been really at work writing about me and doing radio shows about me as well. I was honored! So this is the least I could do for you and your husband/my fiancĂ©.

No creamer Dani! Drink Hawaiian coffee black---it’s better that way. Seriously. I take my coffee black with no sugar, so you don’t have to worry about me. What time should I be there?

Loud Mouth said...

Curtis be one lucky man with all these Christian gals flocking all over him, especially one who'll engage in lesbian activities! Whoooo mama! Now, where's my invitation? I want a brotha/husband!

Dani said...

I haven't graduated to black that is. I'm too must of a sweet sister, I like a little coffee with my french vanilla cream.

Well Deb - aside from all the drama , I really do love you - (not like that)- in the Lord, and I hope my interview (3rd segment) showed you that I do have a heart for you.

Who knows where this will all go someday? For now I’d rather poke fun at each other than bash each other’s heads in. Thanks for helping advertise Curtis' radio show. We appreciate it.

Matt-Man said...

A Christian Lesbian Polygamist with OCD? I'm calling The Guiness Book of World Records. Good Luck Deb!!

Cinderella said...

You gals are funny!! It's good to see some sort of peace in the world!! I hope you had fun on your vacation!!

~Deb said...

Loud Mouth: A brother/husband? Hmm. That's a funny twist on "Big Love"!

Dani: You gotta try a cafe mocha from Starbuck's, or the mocha latte from Duncun Donuts- you would love it if you haven't tried it yet! No problem with advertising your radio show, since you advertise me so much! :)

Matt-man: A Christian Polygamist who's a cleaning fanatic- nuttin' wrong with that! I can add onto the list of disorders!

Dani said...

We could always use some extra help cleaning around here with three kiddos making a mess all the time, it's hard to keep it spick-n-span. You might go even more nuts with your OCD - GERMS everywhere!

Matt-Man said...

Dont forget Deb...You're also Lebanese!!

~Deb said...

Dani: I’ll have your house sparkling in no time! I realize how hard it is for a housewife to keep up with these chores, since she’s always trekking off to Walmart to find half off sale. I’ll be there to save the day!

Matt-man: I have the flag to prove it too! ;)

DaBich said...

Welcome back Deb :)

Crassius Maximus said...

Deb, when you make your transformation in Colorado, please forward all of your flannel shirts to me.

Pittchick said...

I'm glad you're back!

~Deb said...

Dabich: It's nice to be back, thanks!

Crass: No way! I hear that Denver gets some pretty cold nights! I'll give you my bandanas instead.

Pitt: Thank you!!!

~Dawn said...

Welcome Back!
I was sooo bummed that you aren't coming to Denver. oh well.

Nice picture of your trip as well.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Dani, I'm glad to know you have protested the Phelps. They are sick and scary.

Good to have you back, Deb!

Jo said...

I have to tell you that I've had the week from hell at work and reading this just made my day! I'm so glad you are finding your true happiness after being wrong all these years about yourself!

Oh God, I can’t stand it! What did you do! Go off on your vacation and drink some bad water!

All kidding aside. I’m glad you can take this approach to closed minded and bigotry. I just love this post! The video was perfect! I have onstar in my car and I HATE IT! After the free yr is up it’s going bye bye!

Lisa said...

Gotta love The Birdcage. Hank Azaria just makes the whole movie for me. "Chee works harrd for de money.. eh eh, eh eh.. so harrd for eet honey.. eh eh, eh eh...." :-)

Dan said...

I'm very excited for you. I hope to see some cool videos from Denver!

Natalia said...

They should be spayed and neutered. The fact that people like Dani and Curtis are allowed to have kids is a catastrophe for humanity. They should not have legal guardianship of children if they are going to brainwash them into their beliefs. It's scary. I feel so sorry for those kids. Especially cause if one of them turns out to be gay, they are likely to go through so much hatred within their family.

I really do wish you didn't waste time on them, Deb.


The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Glad you are back from your vacation - I missed you!

kathi said...

Lol, girl...that'd be the day.

Phronk said...

That picture is creepy as hell.

(pun intended)

Michael O said...

Omigosh! I just got back from my vacation and saw this! Thought I'd been dropped on the wrong planet. Sounds like you had a nice vacation, though. Mine was hysterical. I think I'll blog about it.

Do plan to respond to your last set of questions (here)and also write a little more of my own personal "history" on my blog, now that I'm back home.

For the record--and I'm sure many have expressed this--the Phelps crowd are sick and twisted. They, though they think they speak for the God and the Christian community, are a heartbreak and an embarrassment to anyone who loves God.

But the fundies don't have the corner on this "ugly market". Bill Maher's recent heartless lampoon on the death of Jerry Falwell was the same spirit. I'm not necessarily a big Moral Majority supporter, but Maher's TV-equivalent of demeaning the dead and tormenting the survivors was just "Phelpsian" ugliness, only with a much bigger audience. Is it fair or right when the liberals do it?

Michael O.