Friday, January 27, 2006

Had Better Days

Quite the dilemma. What is? My stay at a bar. Well what do you mean? It’s just overkill. Why am I even holding a dialog with myself? It’s not even a dialog if one is speaking, right? Does it then become a monolog?

Mon·o·logue: v. mon·o·logued, also mon·o·logged mon·o·logu·ing, mon·o·log·ging mon·o·logues, mon errr…..What’s worse than that?

mon o·log ic (-l j k) or mon o·log i·cal (- -k l) adj. mon o·logu ist (m n -lôg st, -l g -) or mo·nol o·gist (m -n l -j st, m n -lôg st, -l g -) n.

Definition: A long speech made by one person, often monopolizing a conversation. In other words, shut the ~^bleep~^~up already!

What blog doesn’t monopolize a conversation? It’s almost as bad as reading some long-winded email from a friend. Or it’s almost as worse as spying on someone else’s email if you’re just a ‘lurker’. Even worse, it’s like talking when nobody’s listening. Now I’m depressing myself.

Where was I? Oh did I just pull a “Mike”? Sorry. I’ll try not to follow his style. Nor will I tryta’pulla’Stevo cuzdatz jis’not cool. Jis' sayin...

All I want to do is show you some fricken pictures of last night and all I do is keep yapping away. My apologies. I’m apologizing on my own blog. I’ve been living in other people’s comment sections earlier today, and it was just a mess. Sorry to Mike—I think someone actually told him to moderate his comments. They even advised him to delete me. Oh I’m so depressed!

Okay. So last night was fun. Madelene and I went out to our favorite restaurant.
“Hey! Bellas! You ova’ at da’ bar! Take care of our new a’bartenda!” The owner says, in his deep Italian accent. I’ve known him forever. The first time I met him, I believe I was like eight years old or something. He was working at another restaurant as a busboy. Yep. He was pouring my water every single time I took a sip.

I felt bad. It was the bartender’s first day. Being a ‘fill in’ bartender from time to time and having experience in that type of work years ago, I felt his pain. Especially in this highly demanding restaurant—he had his hands full. Regulars come in there all the time---picky ass regulars who want their bread burned to a perfect crisp. Italian customers who will knit pick at the slightest error you make. These customers aren’t your typical restaurant going folk---they mean business. For the love of God---didn’t I say Italian???

So we head over to the bar area. A nice looking gentleman awaits us with the typical white shirt, tie, slacks and even a dishrag hanging out of his pocket. It was actually nice seeing a little testosterone behind that bar. I love all my female bartenders who serve me there—and know every single thing I’m going to order—food-wise and drink-wise, but this was different. I enjoyed him. (No, I didn’t eat him up like a steak!)

I guess the bartender was nervous. He was pacing back and forth asking for help. The cash register was one of those touch-screen computers. I know them all too well, and wanted to help—but each system is designed so differently. Plus, I didn’t want to let him know I noticed him struggling. I waited in between drinks for him to figure things out, before I said, “Scuse’ me? Can I bother you for another chardonnay?” all low and sweet, so he wouldn’t get nervous.

Madelene orders are Michelob Light Ultra. What the??? What’s the point? It’s pure water to me. What’s wrong with an Amstel Light—which has a taste of a real beer? And—the truth is, there’s not much difference calorie-wise and carb-wise. Just a little tweek in their advertising—and BAM—you’re a sheep to those low-carb cults.

Anyway, after four fishbowl-like goblets full of chardonnay, the owner ventures behind the bar to help out the new guy a little.
“I a’knew a’Deb-bie when I was a’only a busboy! She a’always treated me with a’respect and talked to me. Her a’family treated me so a’nicely!” He says, to the bartender loudly, so that I would hear.
”More water please!” I said, jokingly. Now he’s a proud owner of a very successful restaurant. He came a long way from being a busboy straight from Italy—to owning one of the best restaurants around the area.

There’s not one person who sits at this bar, who doesn’t order something to eat. It’s not possible with the good food they have there. We’re friends with some of the regulars who come strolling in for their quick dinner before they go back home to their wives. It’s usually a bunch of older Italian men surrounding the bar, unless the wife convinced one of them to bring them along. We always receive that old man perverted stare from across the bar. It’s okay though. I’d rather have one their looks than a ‘one eyebrow up--come hither-type of look’ from a younger guy. That’s just awful.

I’m tanked at this point. I didn’t eat much all day, and the alcohol took center stage. I figured I’d order my espresso with Sambuka to sober me up a little. I know Stevo, you don’t like that word either. It’s offensive. I’ll try not to use ‘sober’ anymore.

How can you go wrong with a little espresso? Well—yeah, it did have a large cordial glass full of Sambuka on the side. Let me tell you, I had one of the most ‘highest’ drunks ever! I was talking a mile a minute and I believe I was twitching almost. One of the old men probably thought it was a wink—not sure. Probably why I found a phone number in my pocket. “If a woman answers, hang up!”

There I am---laughing and giggling amongst all that testosterone flying in the air. You know it’s last call once the camera comes out. Oh yeah! That’s when Madelene needs to take my drunk ass back home where it belongs. I start taking pictures of the owner. He’s very modest. I told him I was going to plaster his face all over the net.

Last call, and we were all still talking and laughing—having a great time. This was the owner's attempt to call AA for me. He knew there was a major concern. The smile on his face is somewhat insulting, almost as if he doesn’t want me back at his bar anymore. Maybe he wanted to go home since it was almost closing time.

I can just hear him now, “Please a’take her outa’ here now! I can’t a’take it anymore!”
Naw, he wouldn’t do that to me. Or would he? We eventually left the bar, so they could go back to their lives and go home. Madelene and I continued our own little party at home. What the hell was I thinking? More cocktails on the way! I couldn’t believe it. I don’t even remember it. Apparently I had sex at some point of the evening. When you have to be told what happened the night before, that’s when you know you have a problem. But for me? It’s not a problem---I like forgetting sometimes. (But not the sex part—I wish I could remember that.) Of course it was with Madelene! I hear you all talking!

Needless to say, I am very hungover today. I took my much needed nap---thank you very much Mike for suggesting that… I promised pictures—so pictures you have. My eyes look like little slits and my smile is just way too wide. Drunk…ass!

I woke up this morning half crocked. I went to see my mother downstairs. I was shaking. “You cold mama?” My mother asked. Yes she calls me “mama’. It’s a term of endearment. Shush!... I explained to her that I was hungover.

“Didja' drink?”

That question is almost as bad as asking someone while their sleeping—“Are you sleeping?” Even when I come home and she’s outside where I park my car, she’ll ask, “Ya home?”

NO! I’m still out, I’ll be back later!

Gotta love her though. Wouldn’t have her any other way. Even if she does ask me the strangest questions.
“Have a drink—it’ll calm you.” She says, suggesting that I make a bloody mary. I couldn’t even think about having one. The thought nauseated me.

“Hey Deb!!! You gotta come and see what I got for ya!” My father calls out from his smoking room. I walk in and he’s shaking something uncontrollably.
“Dad? Whaddya’ doing?”
”I boughtchoo’ dese’ flashlights that need no batteries! All you do is shake em’ up and they light up like anything’!” He says, as he’s still shaking this God awful flashlight.
”I gotta’whole case of em’!” He says, proudly.

My mother shot him a look like he was some sort of madman packrat. He’s become an infomercial addict. He’s already got a truckload of the Magic Chef and probably ten cases of little keychain flashlights. This is worse than my drinking problem.

“Here—shake it and watch it light up!” He says, as his eyes light up like a kid’s.
I shook it. I was tired. I was shaking already due to the alcohol withdrawal. It was all I could do to yell, “You’re a crazy sonova’bitch!” But I love my dad, and it’s sort of comical watching him go through this psychotic phase of his.

“Ya fatha’ keeps buyin’ all dese’contraptions and junk on T.V. Debs!” My mother says, as she shakes her head in disapproval. That was my indicator that I needed to head back up to my apartment and sleep whatever alcohol I had left in my system off.

I hope you enjoyed my shameful evening. Oh no—wait---another big contradiction—or wait—an oxymoron that I can add to the list of names to call myself: The Christian republican lesbian alcoholic. That can’t sit right with you---unless you’re a ‘left winger’---they always love to see drunken republicans making a fools of themselves.

51 comments:

TrappedInColorado said...

OMG!!! I'm hooked on a repulblican's blog!! My life as I know it is gone.

I really enjoyed this post. What a blast! God, would I love to walk into a place and find you drinking at the bar. We'd close the place, find a computer and "drink and profile" an online dating service.

Can't wait to hear about the weekend. Me? I'm stripping wallpaper. Wanna make some bucks?

Peace

~Deb said...

Trapped: As long as you supply the beer, I'll strip some wallpaper with ya. And yes--I have a feeling we would definitely close the joint--even though we would banter back and forth with political garbage. Bleckk! ;)

TrappedInColorado said...

Cool! Would love the company. Now. Where do I send the plane tickets and do you want a hotel room with a HDTV or 800 thread count egyptian cotten sheets?

As far as bantering political garbage. Bring it! I need to practice my mantra of "Judge ideas, not people"!

Peace

~Deb said...

You're putting me up in a hotel? I plan to take the spare room in your house! What nerve.

TrappedInColorado said...

I'm sorry. I am a liberal and if I had a republican stay in my spare room (which is connected to my bedroom without a door) I would have to remove my Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker. :)

Besides...bring your partner and I'll have the hotel give you breakfast in bed.

Peace.

P.S. My comment on conservatives in my latest blog does not apply to you. ;)

~Deb said...

Uh-huh...I see how you are.

100mph said...

hi'ya deb - jis' dropped by to take a look. Nice blog, much, much better than ours. Jis' sayin'....

~Deb said...

100--I think I'm obsessed with you. Thank you for posting today on your blog. I loved it! Jis' sayin...

100mph said...

But I didn't trash you, really. If I did, I'm sorry, please forgive (It's the Christian thing to do after all).

Grace said...

Poor Debby! I hope you're feeling better now. I hate feeling hungover.... come to think of it, I need a drink.

normiekins said...

hey deb glad you got some rest....love the pics.....i have about 10,000 wide teeth smile pics from drunken mayhem nights....LMAO...you are histerical!! You and Mad have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

You sure do have a good sense of humor for a Christian republican lesbian.

DSMars said...

My mother bought my brother one of those flashlights a couple of christmas' ago. It takes a lot more shaking than the infomercial suggests. I have a wind-up flash light that works better. Got a wind-up radio as well. I'm more than prepared for the next hurricane.

BobCiz said...

My first time here. Love your style. Writing style that is. I can forgive the republicanism as long as you express yourself well. Maybe you could give the nimrod in the white house some pointers.

~Deb said...

100mph: You sins are forgiven.

AmazingGrace: I’m feeling worse tonight because I’m overtired. I am going to bed soon. Who goes to bed at a quarter to ten on a Friday night? L*O*S*E*R! Wait—tomorrow’s ‘date night’, right? Enjoy your drink! Think of me!

Normiekins: Wide big ol’ teethy smiles. Love those types of pictures. Never bring a camera when you go out drinking. Glad you had a chuckle. Enjoy your weekend and thanks for stopping in!

Anonymous: WHO DAT???

Dsmars: You ain’t kidding!!! I had to shake the thing for a good five minutes- and then POOF---the light was gone. Cheap piece of crap! Wow—so you’re all set with a bunch of wind-up toys. I need to get me some of those. Errr… never mind.

Bobciz: Hiya! Welcome to my madness. Please take your shoes off at the door and make yourself at home. Drink?..... And no, I would never give advice to good ol’ George Dubbilya’----he’s doing everything right. Don’t you agree? (hehe) Thanks for stopping by!

green said...

drunken republicans are fine. That guy in the white house is making himself into a big enough fool to cover all of youz guyz.

Hope you feel better in the AM.

Mike said...

So ya seem a bit more chipper now...lol....glad I suggested the nap...(I'm thoughtful like that)

Nice posts and pics...as always...I felt I was there myself!

barman said...

Lets see if we start with

Christian republican lesbian alcoholic

and then shake it up just a little we have CARL,

Christian alcoholic republican lesbian

The word for today is MODERATION. When we hear the word, scream real loud. wait, maybe not scream unless that hangover has departed...

You know the funny thing is I think the bloddy mary might actually of helped. I hope you are feeling better Deb.

What an interesting night you had and what a fun family. Thank you for sharing.

Zorro said...

Internet dating doh!

I once swapped sonnets via email with a gorgeous looking PHD vet (sorry I love smart girls), we decided to meet at the pub (bar ) and so I wandered in and saw the girl . I was really excited and that is a hard thing to manage for a hard bitten cynic likes me. (not really)

Anyway she was at least 20 kgs heavier than her photo and strangely different in personality. I love a drink but it’s rare for me to get to wasted an being polite and still hoping I would make a nice friend out he encounter. When I sit down it becomes obvious she’s been drinking for a few hours and there is that strange acrid stale smell of alcohol.

Ever polite I figure it aint looking good I decide to have one or two politely depart. So I announce my impending departure and excuse myself to the bathroom. Well when I got back there was a fresh glass of wine sitting on the table that she’s insisting I should drink.

So I figure why not and start drinking my 3rd, to be tricked again when she buys yet another while I am on the phone.

So I figure I gotta get out of here and she decides shes going to walk me to my car and figuring it can be to bad we wander off toward my wheels.

As we leave the bar the worlds mangiest dog runs straight across in traffic. She heads off in hot pursuit screaming across the traffic that I should help her. I am not sure why I didn’t run then but you kind of think well the dog is going to get hurt so I run after the dog as well. Now I would normally never participate in such things but we finally corner the dog and da vet tells me to grab it by the collar while she ties a rope to it.

Well its not hard to guess what happens next the dog was obviously descended from Cujo and it bit my hand. Now we had all the elements, an amorous size 18 drunken Danish vet , who seeing the dog attack me completely forgets about the dog and wants to tend my wounds.

I make an excuse about an appointment and decide that I need to go and start walking briskly to my car. She follows insisting that she wants to look after me. Now I am ashamed to say but as we walked more briskly and more briskly and more briskly I start calculating how much distance I can put between me and her if I start running, slowly at first then as we gather some pace I panic and start running as fast as I can.

But so does she? And starts talking about how much she likes me as we sprint through the backstreets of Newtown. Now we have all had those pleading conversations before but I had previously experienced them in High School and definitely not at a sprint.

“I thought we really got on and your not giving me a chance”

“Your never going to find a woman if you don’t get to know her first”

“I really like you I want to get to know you better”

To add to this the dog has joined the chase but Ive managed to put 20 meters between me and her (and the dog)

I jump in the car and lock the doors.

She then sits on my bonnet and trys to talk to me through the windscreen.

At that point I was kind of stuck, do I drive off with her on the bonnet and risk her an injury or do I stay put. Well I stayed put for 10-15 minutes and tried talking some sense to her through the windscreen but eventually concluded that if I gently tried to drive away she might hop off.

She did get off when she turned angry and started threatening damage to the car but I managed to get away. She turned up at work the next day with a bunch of flowers .

It was good insight I guess into what girls go through when they are being stalked, 20 phone calls , texts and emails later she eventually disappeared.

craig

Saur♥Kraut said...

Another great post! Sounds like a great night out! Thanks for the pics and the little insight into your life.

If you're ever in the Bay Area, we must get together and kibitz over a glass of (chianti=you, merlot=me) wine.

Ya know, I've always wanted one of those flashlights. But a whole case? What, is he prepared for the next citywide blackout???

~Deb said...

Green: Awe, I didn’t know how much you loved our president. Such beautiful words…makes me teary-eyed.

Mike: Much chipper. I’m still feeling ‘off’, but I’ll manage. I’m never drinking again! (HA!!!) Don’t you hate when someone says that—and then they’re off for another night of drinking?

Barman: I literally laughed out loud when you figured that out. CARL! Please don’t call me Carl. Now, maybe that should have been my name----my sister’s name is Carla. Hmmm….Christian Alcoholic Republican Lesbian Ass? (IF this was MY name) Not saying that my sister is. She’s straight. I’m the only queer in my immediate family.

Zorro: Oh…ughh….ohhhh….buddy, I so feel your pain! First of all, you sure she wasn’t gay with that career of hers? Most lesbians seem to flock to the vet / emt / massage therapy careers. I had a date similar to yours. In fact, I blogged about it months ago which I may relive later today in a post. She was a brawny-type woman who drank her butt off-----and then attacked me where I had to literally “run” away from her. And people think men are bad? Women are worse sometimes! Thanks for sharing that story. I hope she didn’t leave a dent in your bonnet.

Saur: Would love to kibitz over a glass of wine or five. Yeah, my father got a whole case. I told him we should open up a huge store full of crap. He also bought a lifetime supply of dusting rags for me. Is he giving me a hint? My apartment is very clean (OCD does that for me) but when he got a lifetime supply-------I freaked out and started to even clean more. I need help! So does he though…

Casually Me said...

Lovely blog. I felt like I was in the middle of all the action, at the bar at least. Very good stuff. You never cease to amaze.

Hangover cure...if you have access to a hot tub and a sauna. Alternate between the two until you have sweated out all the impurities. It takes a while, but it's worth it. Take in some water while doing this. Some folks do a shot somewhere in there, but for me that just starts another day of drinking, or at least it used to. After the hot tub/sauna sweating take a nice cold shower and you should be back up to snuff, (I'm not sure what snuff has to do with it...but you will be back up to it.)

Mike said...

Is someone feeling a 'lil' better today?....*snickers*

Mike said...

Huh, huh?....no answer?...



Yanno.....


I hate assuming things......


much.

~Deb said...

Casually: You know something? If I work out (which yesterday was literally impossible) it helps my hangover a lot due to the toxins coming out---I believe your theory on the sauna is right on! I gotta try that. Never even thought about it. Thanks!!!


Go ahead, start with my Mikey boy. You know what they say about people who 'assume', right?

Mike said...

Yeah, yeah....but hey!....wouldn't we make a ....er.....never mind.....I hate when I can't complete a thought coherently.

(But I did evoke a response outta ya before I head to work....lol)

Mike said...

Ever notice how easily I get side-tracked?...I gotta work on....hey.....this just occurred to me....well....I lost that now.....thanks, thanks a lot.

Mike said...

lol...Can I shower first?....Which i better get to doing pretty quick!!

~Deb said...

Go to work! Someone's gotta work in this blog family of ours!

Mike said...

Damn...it happened agin.....you're on top....oh well...ya look fine there.

Seriously too damn weird though that comments are doing that.

Fred said...

Oh, Saur. Make sure you invite me. I'll drink the beer while you guys have the wine. And, I'm with Deb on the sambuka - I just had some last night. Mmmmm.

Great story and pictures; I felt like I was right there with you. Someday I'll blog about a story like this when I wound up in the dumpster...

Chloe' Gardner said...

*LMAO* Deb- you always crack me up girl! The shaking up flashlight is the best *LOL*- You know, my mom goes and buys all of that shit-she's like addicted to the "As Seen on TV" store...

Anyway, sounds like you had a great time last night! And the owner of the rest./bar, looks like a really fun guy- I bet he loves having ya'll come in for drinks- the "calling AA" picture was priceless!

Go get some more sleep- God knows I wish I wasn't awake yet *LOL*

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Hey Lady...Thanx ferda PR...Tellyer dad I got onea dose hand-clappin' lamps that I bought in 1978 and I'll be happyta sell it to'im...$19.95 (plus shipping and handling)..

LaVuh Lamp

steff81 said...

Christian Repulican Lesbian...what a combination! Seriously, you seem pretty down to earth and I like that. Great post!

The Stevo in H-Town said...

"Drunken Republicanz..." Man, the times I see those guyz, It really makes me wonder why they're still in office...are voters that stupid?!?!?

Ted K

Lisa said...

Heavens, for a moment there I thought your Dad a bought a crate full of vibrators lol

I love the sound of Neil, he appears to be the proverbial italian restaurant owner. Love that lol

Åsa said...

Deb! Nice to get some pictures with your stories! You write in a way that makes me (and the rest of the cyber population?) feel like I'm there with you guys getting drunk and then getting the NOT-AGAIN-feeling when you Dad has made a new amazing discovery... Loving it - thanks!

~Deb said...

Mike: Hmm… Our blogs are freakin’ out on us apparently.

Fred: Hey! I’m a beer girl too! If nothing else is handy, I break out the cough medicine. And I would love to hear about that story of you ending up in a dumpster? Hmm…I didn’t realize what a wild thing you were Fred!

Chloe: Oh believe me, it was exhausting shaking that thing – and then to end up with a dim light. Well he was laughing his butt off cause his wife was on the other end of the phone, and I kept screaming in the background saying hi to her. I was out of control. Him and his wife are such nice people- and it’s such a great place.

Stevo: I bought my mother the ‘clapper’ for a joke, and she got so insulted. “Whaddo I look like??? I’m not that old!!!” She was fuming.

~Chia Pet

Steff: Down-to-earth, yet absolutely insane. Another huge combination of contradictions as some would put it. Thanks Steff!

Stevo: Ever watch the lefty extremists run wild in the streets protesting every single thing that annoys them? Now that’s funny!

~A. Sharpton

Lisa: You know—I could have used one of those, but not a gift from poppy. Naw….wouldn’t sit right with me. Yeah---the owner claims he looks like Tony Sapprano—but I think he looks better than him. (Hoping he reads this so I get a free veal dinner) OH how politically incorrect of me.

Asa: Hey thanks! I have to have an outlet with my wacky family and of course, my wacky life. Glad you’re enjoying the ride with me. I’ve been detoxing this weekend. But today’s a whole new day. Camera will be out once again. It’s our days off, so we’re going out again. Wish us luck!

Thanks for stopping by!

ckays1967 said...

Very funny entry...my first visit here.

Are you always this witty?

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Sure she iz ckays1967...she's bombed 24-7....


Ted K

Mike S said...

Hi Deb,

Just stopped by to say hello.
See,it's so easy to lose contact
so I went through my old blogs
and found you.Hope all is well
with you and life is treating
you good :O)

~Deb said...

Ckays: Don’t listen to Stevo. I’m bi-polar/manic----tomato/tomAto—so each entry can either be quite depressing, or quite amusing—depending on how you look at it. Mood swings vary from day to day. Thanks for coming by and visiting!

Stevo: Watch yer mowt’buddy. I’ll hafta’git a bouncer up in dis’joint!

~Diddy

Mike: Hey! Glad you stopped by. I’ll have to check out what’s going on in your life. Hope you’re doing great too! I’m off. See you all later---I’ll be blog hopping tomorrow and harassing my favorites…You’ve been forewarned.

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Iz she gone?.....HUGE CONTEST ATDA "JAMMY"*********HUGE******!!!!
WIN$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!


Sincerely,
Sycophant drummin' up blog bizness hangin' offa ~Deb's coattailz..

Redefine said...

You definitely have a talent for writing! Within the first few sentences I'm caught in the web of your world. When I read your posts I think, "What will happen next?"

It's great, it's captivating!

I'll definitely let you go on and on...

Peace and Love

Natalia said...

Can you tell where my head is that when I saw the flashlights I thought they were something else??? Hehehehehe :) my head is in the gutter!

-N

kathi said...

Exactly what I needed to start my week. A good laugh and pictures of my deb. Thanks.

kathi said...

When I visit NY, I really want you to take me to this place. It's all I can think about now, I'm starving.
So...how did ya like the flashlight?? My mind is so sick, that's not what I thought they were when I first pulled up your post. :)

Mike said...

Wakey, wakey.

Nettie said...

I'm listening!

~Deb said...

You guys are too funny. Y'all have sick minds re: those flashlights. I should display some real entertainment on a future post. (hehe)

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