Your loved ones can communicate with you, but not as you would imagine. You first have to have a strong relationship with God, and your primary goal is to make God first. Loving your family more than life, more than your own life---and even loving them more than God is a form of idolatry. In the Bible it states that if someone loves their family more than God, that God can turn daughters from their mothers, fathers against their sons---meaning He can tear up your family right before your eyes. You can lose your family in a split second, but you can never lose God. God is the one who created your loved ones to spend "temporary" time here with you. So why worship your family? Love them, appreciate them, but worship God. That's first and foremost.
The other day, I started praying about it. I asked God would I still go to heaven if I chose the time to go home? And where in the Bible does it talk about suicide being a sin---I see "murder" as a sin, but would that be considered murder? I also promised Him that I would stick it out down here, but I still wanted those questions answered.
As I was getting ready for our Thanksgiving holiday, I accidentally hit my phone, to where a video popped up and started right smack dab in the middle of the stream. It was a Joyce Meyer video.
As I listened to this message blaring out from my iPhone, I was sobbing---as if God REALLY did hear me! He heard my cries for help. He heard me ask Him to take me home. He heard me say that I had no purpose here and that I was more of a burden than anything else. And even though I promised Him I would stick it out, these thoughts sometimes came seeping into the cracks of my mind, tormenting me and continually asking, "Why should I stay?" The one thing God did teach me is that people are human---unreliable and unpredictable. They sometimes hurt our feelings and don't live up to our expectations. Just last week, my own psychiatrist let me down. He sat there in his chair and laughed at me as I explained my fear and agony of living in this house. I fear the winters alone and I'm also tormented by the memories of this beautiful home. It has become a torture chamber more than it has a home. And as "easier said than done" ---I was explaining how I told him my partner promised me that we'd be out of here by the fall so we wouldn't have to endure another painful winter up here. We argue over it as well. Again, my psychiatrist chuckled and said, "What---did you just want her to admit that she had broken a promise?" That wasn't the point at all. It was the fact that I'm going to be (or in my mind) a repeat of last year, panicky and over-the-top anxious every single time we have a snowstorm. We lose power with even a slight breeze, so when it's below zero and there's no lights, I'm there by myself trying to feed the fire with whatever wood is left in the house itself, hoping that someone can make it to me if God forbid I have an emergency. Sometimes my panic attacks are so bad, that I'm carried out of the by ambulance anyway. Thing is, they cannot get to me because sometimes, there's more than four feet of snow blocking our driveway, so we have to call emergency vehicles from the town itself to get us out. I wouldn't call this an "irrational fear" ---an irrational fear would be me sitting here on a perfectly sunny day thinking I'm gonna have a heart attack. That's irrational.
But I regress, my psychiatrist laughed at all of this and I turned to him and said, "What's so funny? I just lost my mother and learning how to cope and also learning how to live in this big house by myself---and this somehow amuses you?" I said a couple of choice words to him and then before I slammed the door, I told him, "When I leave here, I'm going up to that tower I spoke about and I'm going to end it. That's on your head."
For all of you who see me on Periscope Live---thank you for taking interest in my recipes. I'm also going to update my cooking website over at DebsCucina.com.
And you know what else I found out while praying to God about this? We'll never know our real purpose in this life until we are back home with God. The mystery is far too great to even comprehend. It's like fish trying to understand algebra. So my biggest advice to anyone contemplating suicide is this: if you need help, reach out. If you feel like nobody's there to listen, reach out to GOD. God hears every prayer, every cry, in fact He collected every teardrop you've ever shed. If you would just believe it...receive it...and trust in God's promise, you'll be surprised over how easy the answers are and why 'this' is that way or why 'that' is this way. Some answers will be revealed, while others will remain a mystery.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." --Proverbs 3:5-6
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