Proceed With Caution

It's been one of those weeks where I just want to scream, "I can't laugh anymore!!!" To all my family and friends, they know me as the 'jokester' - sometimes with the most hideous jokes, but nonetheless. I make light of things and try to defuse any tense situation...I try. They do the same for me as well, or at least try. Yesterday morning was especially hard for me. I woke up feeling nauseous, possibly from nerves to help my mother with some personal issues to tend to and getting things situated for her back home. I made some coffee, had a little something to eat with Mad, and while I was in the bathroom, I came back out to find my Chihuahua licking up the last bits of my coffee while there were shards of the glass mug all around her. She has learned to jump onto the table now with her little 2 inch legs and knock things over. Needless to say, she zoomed around the house like Speedy Gonzales on meth. After cleaning the mess up and taking her outside to do her ~biz~, she comes back inside the house to pee all over the floor. Guess she was mad at me for taking away her java. I'd be mad too.  I tried getting ready. I went into the shower and the dog just freaked out. For whatever reason, this dog has a panic attack every time I try to shower. To relieve her anxiety, I keep the door open so she can hang out with me. Instead, she sits by the shower with a high pitched bark yelping until I come out. Then the headache kicks in. I seriously need the dog whisperer to come visit me.

Why is it so complicated???
The last straw came crashing down when Mad let me borrow an SUV from her dealership. I needed this truck to help mom out. Five minutes before she goes to work, she explains how the shifter works. "Three down for drive, two up for reverse and press the button on the top to park it." ....."What?" She says it again slowly, and then she starts hysterically laughing. So, I started to laugh too, and kept repeating it until it finally 'clicked' in my brain. "So three down for drive, two up for reverse and press WHAT button for park?"  She stared at me. I just lost it. Not because I couldn't understand the shifting protocol, but because I was so overwhelmed with everything overall. I started crying. "Come on, laugh - it's funny." she says, to try to relieve my sadness. "It's not funny when you leave me with a 5 minute crash course on this complicated shifter that's not even standard!" I cried out as if it was some catastrophic event that was happening. I then realized how dumb this whole 'argument' was, and kind of let out a giggle through my tears and said, "I'm sorry, I'm just overwhelmed with everything. That was really stupid."  She hugged me and took me outside to teach me this whacked out shifter. ...It was the easiest shifter I have ever used. I then felt even more stupid.

Leave me alone!
To make matters worse, I seem to attract friends who think every insult or punch at me is "funny". I can take a low blow here and there or make light of a serious situation most of the times, but this week certainly isn't one of them. I'm not sure if it's the full moon or that Mercury is in retrograde, but it's beyond me why some of my friends decide to drunk text me idiotic comments or profess their unrelenting beer goggled crushes on me. I should be flattered, but midnight drunk texts usually means "You're my last resort & I don't care if you're married - I'm bored." (-----Go 'way!) I really gave it to one of my friends where I told her that I don't 'do well' with drunk texts and that she offended both my wife and I. She denied it while the texts above were all proof of her drunken ego at work. One thing about me: I can joke around like the best of them but when you start to get personal or insult my marriage or even make reference of assuming what my life is like --- I will bite back and defend myself. I didn't say "eff off" or anything of that nature, I just honestly spoke my heart and told my friend I'm not tolerating this any longer. I can blow it off as quickly as it came on as well. But do it again, and you've lost a good friend. And again, I know I've been tightly wound up lately, but please...proceed with caution.

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