Feed Your Soul
Everything from connecting with your "God" to explaining where fears are stemmed from. The one that stood out the most for me was avoiding loud and aggressive people. They are vexatious to the soul. I can't tell you how many times I have had to walk away from people who were either too loud (in a negative way) and those who just spoke so negatively about everything and everyone. This also applies to people who only speak things of 'gloom & doom' -- where everything out of their mouth is just so depressing or grim. It really does rub off on you, or at least for me, it gives me anxiety. No doubt, we're all going to talk about things that may be negative, but, all. the. time...? I can't do it. I can't surround myself with these types of people. Even aggressive and loud people disturb my peace. I constantly feel "on guard" and ready to flee or defend myself. I don't want to feel that way. Isn't life hard enough as it is?
My main problem (among a million) is that I feel a lot of guilt. I spoke to my Reiki guy and he said, "Stop that. You deserve to be here. If you don't ever do these types of things for yourself, you'll never be at peace and you'll end up resenting whatever it is you do for other people." My wife always says, "Throw guilt in a bag and shoot it." I feel guilty if I just want to stay home with my wife and have alone time. I feel guilty if I just want to go out and get a manicure, or do things like that for myself. I feel guilty for even having lunch or dinner with one of my girlfriends. I feel guilty for wanting to have a party. I feel guilty for wanting to have a life basically. In turn, with all of these negative feelings of wanting things I can actually have, and not taking them due to guilt is making my depression sink in more and more. It started to make me not want to do things for other people; withdraw and flee from the world.
Madelene and I even tossed around the idea of moving out to the Cape and seeing how we would like it. She already has a job lined up for her at any time over there and since I work from home, it would be the perfect set up. But but but. That guilt creeps in saying, "You can't leave here. Too many people depend on you. You can't have your own life." Fact is, everyone everywhere will be fine regardless of who leaves and who stays. That's just a given. The world will still be spinning. After my session yesterday, I felt better about my desire to move out to a place I have always dreamed of. I have less guilt, less need to please everyone and more motivation to feed my soul more. I deserve it. YOU deserve it. Everyone deserves to live how they want to live, without guilt, without resentment, without the need to fulfill everybody else's needs but your own, so then you can help others more effectively. And that's just how it works.
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