Thursday, October 25, 2012

I'm Just "Me"

Technology is a double edged sword. On one hand, it's helpful and very handy in doing everyday little or big tasks. It keeps us connected instantaneously and let's us discover the world in ways we never knew. On the other hand, it can deceive one's perception of people, friends, etc. It can even cause us to be antisocial if we let it. What I found interesting as of late was an old friend, ok ok, an old flame that had contacted me saying hello and then going on to say how different I've become. She even went on to say, "Who is this Deb?"  She remembers me riddled with anxiety and plagued with depression at times. She remembers my phobias and how I struggled with coping. But she also remembers the 'social butterfly' that she once used to love, that she grew to hate. Funny how someone can hate the one thing that they initially fell in love with.  So I asked her, "Have I changed?" And with that, goes along with many things she didn't take the time out to discover about me. I haven't changed at all really, perhaps evolved or changed my opinions about certain things - but I'm still "me". I am still riddled with anxiety and depression, but I just cope with it better now. I still have phobias, but now I periodically face them head on instead of hiding from them. I'm still the same ol' Deb she used to know...just older. My old friend based her theory on how much I've changed due to reading my Twitter account and blog. We all put our best foot forward online, but I do have to say that this blog is quite consistent. If you read an article a year from now, it's quite similar. Dealing with inner turmoil, anxiety or letting people know how I dealt with it in ways that were beneficial. Some articles are religious a bit, and some not. It really hasn't changed all that much.

My point is: how can you determine how a person is by simply looking at what they choose to put out there? I appreciated the compliment, or...was it a compliment? Was I that "bad" of a person long ago? I have failed in many relationships, but even so, I honestly don't think I intentionally tried to cause hurt or cause great emotional pain on someone unless it was out of self-defense. I'm not perfect. I remember once, at the end of our relationship, she had called me a hypocrite after reading my book. She didn't think I could be Christian and still be "human" and make mistakes. Understandable. I then showed her in a chapter where it said, "I'm still a work in progress and still have a lot to learn." All my life I have been judged and sized up by so many people who seem to think I'm someone that I'm not. I have been assumed "rich & famous" to "poor & uneducated" ---- both are insulting because neither are correct.  I don't know what  makes people believe what they do. Again, I'm just "me". 

So to answer your question, old friend, "Who is this Deb?" 

I'm the same person who used to sit up late at night with you talking about everything and nothing at all. I'm the same person who made you laugh until you cried and eventually gave you an anxiety attack from a fit of laughter. I'm the same person who cried to you about some of my personal struggles. I'm the same person who would get upset when promises were broken. I'm the same girl who tried to look her best in order to catch your eye. The only change is now I try to look nice to catch my wife's eye. I'm the same person who is extremely self-conscious to the point of not going out at all. I'm the same person who loves hard enough for that person to really feel it inside and out. And I'm also the person that'll give you a fight worth your money. But these days, I'm the person who will walk away from a fight and leave you in silence just to create peace. I may be still 'crazy' but I'm not insane. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have taken that quote to heart and used it the best of my ability. It's worked wonders in my life. Is my life perfect? Hell no. But I'm glad it's not, because then I would have nothing to write or....complain about.

And with that, I can't complain. I'm just "me". 

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter.  

5 comments:

Ian Lidster said...

I don't know. Am I 'like' what I write? An interesting exercise would be for bloggers to write a profile of a fellow blogger and just see how close that is to the way the blogger sees him/herself. It'd be challenging. I have an image of you that may not even come close to how you see yourself, even though my perceptions are usually pretty keen. So, it could be that your erstwhile friend/lover doesn't really have a clue about the real you, only her interpretation of you. Damn, this topic wouldn't make a bad blog in itself.

The Elephant's Child said...

Ian is right. Who am I/Who are you is fraught at best. I can change persona's with the company I keep though there are some key parts which exist always.
The Deb we have come to know here is warm, loving, funny, involved and above all human. None of which are bad things to be.
She also keeps rotten word verification to make my life a misery as I try again, and again, and again to leave a comment.

the walking man said...

She also keeps rotten word verification to make my life a misery as I try again, and again, and again to leave a comment.


Yeah you horrible person you I agree!

Other than that you is who you is.

Deb said...

Wouldn't it be kind of scary to see what our personal friends in real life have to say about how they truly see us? I'm not sure if I understand why my content now or my posts are any different than they were years ago which makes me think, "Have I changed?" I don't believe I have. I'm sure if this person saw me in person she would say, "Oh, ok... same ol' Deb I once knew." Maybe not. I guess we all change after somewhat years. Who knows.

But I GUESS I have to change the captcha <--sp? or just take it down. I tried doing it before and I don't see the option to remove it. Can anyone help me? Sorry I'm making you all miserable haha! Have you ever heard the audio version of it? It sounds like Satan himself. O_O Spooooooooooky ~

Snowbrush said...

" I'm the same person who is extremely self-conscious to the point of not going out at all."

I didn't know this and would love to hear more about it, having had the same problem.

I agree with Walking Man about the word verification. I would MUCH prefer that you approve comments than that I have to try again and again to type hard-to-read letters correctly. When so much of my time visiting blogs is spent in utter frustration trying to type letters correctly, I just naturally don't want to visit blogs as much when I repeatedly have to go through a tedious approval process that starts to feel a little degrading. I don't know that you realize how much of a problem this is for many people.

I actually came here to see if you had any personal news about the storm. I just know you're somewhere in its general path, so I am a little worried .