Thursday, October 25, 2012

I'm Just "Me"

Technology is a double edged sword. On one hand, it's helpful and very handy in doing everyday little or big tasks. It keeps us connected instantaneously and let's us discover the world in ways we never knew. On the other hand, it can deceive one's perception of people, friends, etc. It can even cause us to be antisocial if we let it. What I found interesting as of late was an old friend, ok ok, an old flame that had contacted me saying hello and then going on to say how different I've become. She even went on to say, "Who is this Deb?"  She remembers me riddled with anxiety and plagued with depression at times. She remembers my phobias and how I struggled with coping. But she also remembers the 'social butterfly' that she once used to love, that she grew to hate. Funny how someone can hate the one thing that they initially fell in love with.  So I asked her, "Have I changed?" And with that, goes along with many things she didn't take the time out to discover about me. I haven't changed at all really, perhaps evolved or changed my opinions about certain things - but I'm still "me". I am still riddled with anxiety and depression, but I just cope with it better now. I still have phobias, but now I periodically face them head on instead of hiding from them. I'm still the same ol' Deb she used to know...just older. My old friend based her theory on how much I've changed due to reading my Twitter account and blog. We all put our best foot forward online, but I do have to say that this blog is quite consistent. If you read an article a year from now, it's quite similar. Dealing with inner turmoil, anxiety or letting people know how I dealt with it in ways that were beneficial. Some articles are religious a bit, and some not. It really hasn't changed all that much.

My point is: how can you determine how a person is by simply looking at what they choose to put out there? I appreciated the compliment, or...was it a compliment? Was I that "bad" of a person long ago? I have failed in many relationships, but even so, I honestly don't think I intentionally tried to cause hurt or cause great emotional pain on someone unless it was out of self-defense. I'm not perfect. I remember once, at the end of our relationship, she had called me a hypocrite after reading my book. She didn't think I could be Christian and still be "human" and make mistakes. Understandable. I then showed her in a chapter where it said, "I'm still a work in progress and still have a lot to learn." All my life I have been judged and sized up by so many people who seem to think I'm someone that I'm not. I have been assumed "rich & famous" to "poor & uneducated" ---- both are insulting because neither are correct.  I don't know what  makes people believe what they do. Again, I'm just "me". 

So to answer your question, old friend, "Who is this Deb?" 

I'm the same person who used to sit up late at night with you talking about everything and nothing at all. I'm the same person who made you laugh until you cried and eventually gave you an anxiety attack from a fit of laughter. I'm the same person who cried to you about some of my personal struggles. I'm the same person who would get upset when promises were broken. I'm the same girl who tried to look her best in order to catch your eye. The only change is now I try to look nice to catch my wife's eye. I'm the same person who is extremely self-conscious to the point of not going out at all. I'm the same person who loves hard enough for that person to really feel it inside and out. And I'm also the person that'll give you a fight worth your money. But these days, I'm the person who will walk away from a fight and leave you in silence just to create peace. I may be still 'crazy' but I'm not insane. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have taken that quote to heart and used it the best of my ability. It's worked wonders in my life. Is my life perfect? Hell no. But I'm glad it's not, because then I would have nothing to write or....complain about.

And with that, I can't complain. I'm just "me". 

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter.