Friday, May 22, 2009

Embracing Bitterness While Trying to Heal

I felt the need to continue the discussion I had in the comment section of my previous post, with someone that went under “anonymous”. The post mainly dealt about issues of emotional, verbal abuse when someone that was loved once before has been jaded or hurt. “Sticks and stones” was referenced and basically how two wrongs don’t make a right, questioning if the first wrong...was in indeed “wrong”. When a person is trying to heal from an intense relationship that has ended, is it healthy for that person to go through a “healing process” of slandering and dragging their ex love’s name through the mud? I totally understand the fragile emotions of the first few months of the breakup. It’s raw. It’s hurtful. It’s the feeling of a great loss. It’s also feelings of jadedness, anger, resentment and bitterness sometimes. It’s rare you find a mutual breakup that deals with mutual respect and admiration to continue a friendship thereafter.

How do we heal the “healthy way”? There is no answer really. I mean, we can suggest this and that - but someone, somewhere will tell you it’s not how they cope with a loss. Everyone is different. But, you do have to take into account negative emotions, such as bitterness and anger that lingers too long inside the heart. Those emotions can lead into other aspects of a person’s life: hard time creating new friendships and relationships, short fuses, lack of trust, anxiety, depression and isolation. When you’re bitter at the world for too long, the world becomes a bitter place. It’s no longer joy and happiness: it’s misery and depression. It’s dark. It’s a place where you just say “Eff everyone and everything!” I can’t see that as being healthy.

Getting back to Miss Anonymous, I had a really interesting time conversing back and forth with her regarding this topic. I’m not going to copy and paste the entire dialogue, because you can always click here to read it. I will copy and paste just a couple of things...

Anonymous: Sometimes people have to do what is right for them and in an unhealthy situation it becomes necessary to leave the relationship. Necessary for survival. It doesn't mean you can't allow that person back in, after the healing, and ultimately forgiveness and acceptance takes place. There is a process that has to take place, a healing process.

Deb: I totally understand the process of healing and taking your time, but what I don't understand is, while in the process of healing, why a person that feels they have been either, "jaded" or "wronged" have to keep on for years talking negatively about that person. In your honest opinion, would you call that a healthy way to heal? That's what I'm talking about: when someone is hurt, like an ex, and feels jaded and robbed of whatever -----how long does that person have to slander and emotionally beat their lost love to a bloody pulp before healing? What are your thoughts?

Coincidently, Miss Anonymous and myself have been in similar situations, her’s being a divorce and mine being a breakup from a relationship. Love is love, right? My question really focused more about the negative aspects of the bitterness, years afterwards. How does one heal if they aren’t creating an atmosphere of healing? Regardless of deciding whether or not to ever speak to that person again ---why slander someone forever and create that bitterness for others to see? In my opinion, when I see someone who is atrociously bitter at an ex from years past, I think, “Wow, that person has to be miserable inside.” People around you will pick that up. Usually, a bitter person cannot have or “hold” a relationship for long or maintain friendships due to the darkness they exude. You cannot hold resentment in your heart and hide it. It comes out in different forms and people will see it eventually. They hear it, they feel it, they realize that this person is in a bad place.

Healing. How do you heal in a “healthy” way? For me, I pray for “my enemy”. I pray that God sends them love, happiness, laughter and most of all, healing of the mind, body and soul. I send this love to “the enemy” every single day. I truly believe prayer is so very powerful, which is why I do this - not for any other reason than for healing to take place for this person, and, to continue on with my healing process as well.

Think about this concept: employers during interviews give trick questions to see if you’re the right candidate. One of the trick questions is: “What didn’t you like about your former employer?” As being in human resources myself at one time, the big “OH NO SHE DI-IN’T SAY THAT” reactions would be a result of an answer like, “Oh my GAWD they were so nasty and rude and treated me so badly! They didn’t pay me enough and made me work overtime! Their company is going down and my boss was a self-centered imbecile.” An answer like that will have the interviewer saying, “Well, thank you for applying. We’ll review your resume and call you if we’re interested...”  ~Blip~  You just lost yourself a job. Now, the same applies when you are out on a date and still have bitterness in your heart. Badmouthing the ex is the worst thing you can possibly do. It makes you sound pathetic, screaming, “I’m a victim!”

So, Miss Anonymous, my question geared more around, how healthy is it to heal when you embrace bitterness within your healing circle?

In general terms, of course...