Monday, July 30, 2007

Demanding Our Own Way

There are times when we all get physically drained from emotional turmoil. We focus in on the demons- anger, resentment, depression and anxiety. The first thing we normally do is to find flaws and inadequacies from the person or situation that offended us. It can’t be me…can it? The drama thickens into a deep obscurity- both parties questioning why the argument took place to begin with. What provoked it? Was it brewing somewhere unseen? Or was it there in broad daylight? Who’s right and who’s wrong? Does it even matter?

You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ~Colossians 3:13

Take a look at two Christians who believe in the trinity, yet they believe that the “truths” they both hold dear to their hearts are so different from one another.

“My truth is correct.”
“No, if you look at my truth, you’ll see that it’s the right choice.”

No one will come to an agreement. They both think they’re right. Both are offended because they’re not making allowances for each other’s point of views. They’re both being stubborn, resentful and unforgiving.

It’s the same with two people arguing. Both are going to think the other person is wrong. Maybe they have a different outlook on certain issues. It’s not a matter of who’s wrong and who’s right- it’s a matter of finding peace in the middle of the road. It’s about compromise. It’s about forgiving and pardoning the other person for what you think they’re incorrect for. It’s about respect, love and acceptance. You can’t change that person’s feelings on what they feel is “their truth”---you can only change the way you perceive it. You can only change the way you handle it. You can only change the way you feel.

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful
or proud or rude.
Love does not demand its own way.
Love is not irritable,
and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
It is never glad about injustice,
but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up,
never loses faith,
is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ~1 Corinthians 13:1-7

I don’t think there’s a better definition of love. If you meditate on that beautiful scripture and evaluate your relationship with your spouse, husband, wife, partner, as well as family members and friends, you’ll see if you hold true love for them. This also means that in order to do all of those above listed in that scripture, you must have complete love inside of yourself--- not pride. Pride is a self-defense mechanism to prove yourself worthy. (That’s my own definition of pride in that particular circumstance.) In relationships, pride must be thrown out in order to forgive one another. This means humbling yourself and making allowances for not only the person who offended you, but “you” as the person who offended yourself.

I’m still learning as I find my way through unconditional love and what it truly means to be forgiving, accepting and tolerant to those who feel, think and live differently than I do. I have to admit, it’s hard to end a battle saying, “I’m wrong…you’re right.” Sometimes, it’s a matter of just wondering which “truth”…is actually true. If you can’t figure out why you and your spouse fought in the first place, then it’s time to focus in on the deep seeded root that’s causing the quarrels. It may have nothing to do with what the argument was about.

If you and your spouse can’t figure out why the fight started----just hug them. Shock them and tell them how much you love them. Apologize---even if it means grinding your teeth because you think you’re right. Forgive and forget! Get rid of the anger. Show your unconditional love for that beautiful person in front of well as the beautiful person in the mirror.



hmmm... yor blog seems interesting. your views might not be what i agree with, but i think i's worth a read.
tell me, what kind of stuff do you write? (your profile says your an author)

~Deb said...

Hi Clezevra, thanks for stopping by! I don't expect everyone to have the same views. I find it more interesting to learn from those who think differently from me. I write about my faith in God, my life, as well as relationships in general. Come by anytime!

~Dawn said...

Pride is the biggest wall between two when it comes to communicating.

A constant dying must be done in order to make the relationship last.

In many ways I think that is God did, crucifying pride on a cross.

Good Post- thanks!

~gkw said...

I read often but don't often post. Just wanted to say that this was a great post.

I love the scripture from 1st Corinthians... It does define Love better than anywhere else I've seen....

DaBich said...

Another great post, Deb. I've found that I had to grit my teeth a few times the last couple months. Arguing over stepson's misdeeds, or lack of any deeds, is a problem. I must overlook that what I cannot change, and that which is trivial. This gives me more of a boost to swallow my PRIDE when I need to...thanks!

~Deb said...
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~Deb said...

Dawn: And this is the reason why I really don't prefer using "pride". It just leaves a negative feeling for me.

Gkw: Thank you! I know the scripture is probably the most well-known of them all, but to me it's ultimate kind of love one can give or receive. I have yet to fulfill all it describes!

Dabich: It is very hard to swallow our pride and show our vulnerabilities. It takes a big person to admit it!

Matt-Man said...

Hi Deb. Yeah it is a great definition, however most couples cannot live up to this definiton. Oh know that some do, but most relationships that I know of, are not as pure and idyllic as this definition. Cheers!!

Art said...

This is such a nice post... and such good advice.

~Deb said...

Matt-Man: There would be more successful relationships if everyone applied this- but we all have our 'flaws' and imperfections... we can at least try them...but if we slide back, we can always try again. It's hard rules to live by, but rewarding when you see the results.

Art: Thanks for stopping by! I'm still learning! :)

knicksgrl0917 said...

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~Deb said...

Hmmm, I don't trust those things..........

M said...

When I hear the verse about dying to one's flesh/self, I always think more of the dying you are speaking of, of dying to another person's wishes and best interests. That is true love. So, so true.

~Deb said...

I agree M, to let the pride die and let the humble side shine through. It makes a world of a difference. Thanks! :)

Lisa said...

Deb, this post could not have come at a better time for me.

It can be so difficult to get this point across to someone. I'm actually trying to disentangle myself from a near-argument with a fellow Christian about, all things, homosexuality. :-) He's much more conservative than I, and he's just going crazy with the whole "I'm right! You're wrong! And here's why you're wrong!" business.

I'm really trying not to fight with him, and I would love it if he would just "forgive" me for what he sees as my mistakes and let it go. I think that was an excellent way to put it, Deb. Another great post!

~Dawn said...

It took me a moment what you mean by 'why you don't like the word 'pride''.

Somehow though I think it would be to late to rename all the 'gay pride parade' to 'gay uber-confident parades'.

But I understand where you are coming from...
Grace to you.

~Deb said...

Lisa: I’m glad it helped. Sometimes our communication with other people gets foggy the deeper we delve into the argument. It’s frustrating. A healthy debate is okay, but when it gets to the point of verbally attacking one another (as you’ve seen so many times on here before), that’s when somebody needs to throw the towel in…even if that means “us”. Thanks Lisa!

Dawn: “Pride” to me sounds too negative when expressing ourselves to the gay community---if that’s what you’re questioning. I do mean “pride” as a negative word in aspects of rebellion and ‘in your face’ attitudes towards other people who don’t agree with the lifestyle. That’s just my personal opinion though. There’s an air of arrogance I get when I see the word pride written so big and loudly upon parades when they’re trying to make a point. So it goes both ways----pride in relationships and pride in parades. The "gay uber-confidence parade" doesn't have a snappy ring to it though...hmm.
Thanks, Dawn!

just me said...

Thanks for your hello on my blog. I can't think of anything to add to this conversation. Although a lot of your posts lately make me think there is some under-story that you aren't telling. I get that. I just always want the under-story. :)

~Deb said...

Hey “Just Me”,

Nope. No “under story” here- although I’ll admit to being stubborn with some of my arguments with my partner from time to time. I can see how you thought that though. Very perceptive! Thanks for dropping in!

Dan said...

If you and your spouse can’t figure out why the fight started----just hug them

And hug them even if you can figure out how it started. You can never hug too much.

Hugs Deb. :)

QUASAR9 said...

lol Deb,
at the end of the day it don't matter if its one's mother, one's lover, or one's older sister one is arguing with - there are often 1001 things to disagree about
And it is usually about one trying to assert themselves because she is the mother, the lover or the older sister - and being right or wrong doesn't even come into the picture.

Hell, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet anyone I know in heaven

And when I'm feeling a little more humble, I wonder if I'll ever make it - but if they are going to be there too, do I really wanna go IN?

If heaven is being with the people we like (and those who like us) then one must ask how full or how empty our life and heaven will be

Enemy of the Republic said...

I need to memorize this one!

GW Mush said...

Hi Deb

Excellent post!
You are so introspective which is a sign of your humbleness & wisdom.

~Deb said...

Dan: Come here & give me a hug!

Quasar: Only 1,001? Hmm. I believe that when we do go to heaven, in the big scheme of things----all this fighting and bickering that we do doesn’t even matter. It’s irrelevant on the other side. I hope to find you there! (I hope to find myself there!) heh…

Enemy: ME TOO!

GW Mush: I’m changing my name to “Heavenly Goddess”. Whaddya’ think? Too much?

kathi said...

Yup, I agree with the crowd, a wonderful post and so worth saying. Anger and hostility takes up soooo much energy and leaves you physically, emotionally and mentally drained...and for what?

I love you! Thanks for the great words.

GW Mush said...


You are a 'Heavenly Goddess'
in my eyes.
Works for me:) hehe

J. Lyon Layden said...

Thoughtful and intelligent advise! Would that we could always remember to take it.

Tense Teacher said...

Loved the advice at the end of this post. A hug can cure a lot.

Nancy said...

Great post. I think I should give someone in my house a few hundred hugs.

Sandy said...

Hello, Miss Deb!

I shall try to remember those words of wisdom then next time I feel like shoving my hubby off a cliff. LOL

BTW, I am back in the blogging world. It's more of a mommy blog, but drop by from time to time to see what we're up to. :)

channelofhealing said...

Hi Deb, the subject of love is a very serious topic in life even in heaven for we know "God is love" the Bible talks endlessly about love.
am so happy you are teaching us on love and how to forgive and embrace our loved ones even when they have done us wrong. ight I add that it is a very difficult thing to do but if one can let the Holy Spirit to minister to us always we will find that it is easy to do.

Cheers my dear.

thewishfulwriter said...

very powerful post. and very accurate. i find myself needing to be "right" much more than April, my partner does. She teaches me every time we have an argument what unconditional love is. She makes me want to be better, more understanding and a little less "right" all the time. Thanks for this reminder...

~Deb said...

Kathi: When I’m emotionally worn out, it affects me physically- between the anxiety attacks, the hurt, and then the physical pain from the aftermath of the stress. If your relationship is more stressful than peaceful, then it’s time to rethink everything in my opinion. Thanks so much, Kath! Love you too!!! xxoo

GW Mush: I’ll try to keep that image up for you! (ha)

j. lyon: I wish I could remember to take it myself! Still have lots of work! Thanks for stopping by!

Tense: Hey stranger! A hug does wonders—especially during an argument.

Nancy: And he deserves a few hundred! Hope you’re doing well!

Sandy: Well hello!!! How are you? Where exactly is that cliff anyway? (hehe) Beautiful blog! I’m excited you’re back in blogger world! xxoo

Channel: When I’m closer to God, I feel that I can give more love, because I feel more love from Him, but when I’m distant from God, it definitely shows. I need to work on a lot of areas… Thanks so much!

Thewishfulthinker: I always find that the person who “insists” on being right, usually never ends the argument. I’m so happy you have someone who encourages you to be more understanding and realistic. It’s hard to find! Thanks for stopping in!

Gary Baker said...

When it comes to maintaining harmony in the home, I suggest prayer. Get the couple, together, praying out loud for each other. I don't know what percentage of the effect is spiritual and what percent is psychological, but it is next to impossible to hold a grudge against someone that you have just been asking God to bless.

Dan said...

{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}

and smooches. :)

Crassius Maximus said...

You solution(the hug) is interesting, but with some women (i.e. my ex-wife) it's just not that easy, and rarely works. It does work on the woman I'm with now, however.

~Deb said...

Gary: Prayer is a terrific way, depending if the two are believers...and of the same or similar religion. Thanks!

Dan: Stop flirting! ;)

Crass: Some people are more affectionate than others. Glad you found someone who can hug you back!

Dan said...

You said you wanted me to come and give you a hug.


~Deb said...
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~Deb said...

I desperately need ginkobaloba----or just stop flirting with you then! :-\ Scrolling up would help out too. Geez.


Now about those drunk landscapers......can we get back to that?

just me said...

All right no under story. Unless the comments are the under story. :) It is under the story/post and it does seem like there's something under the table going on here. ;0 j/k.

~Deb said...

Lots going on under the table!

Natalia said...

I am not religious, as you know. But I do have that verse etched on a sculpture at home. Scripture on a sculpture... hehe :)


~Deb said...

A scripture can be a very important "quote" to someone who doesn't believe. There are many great proverbs and passages that can apply to anyone.

Thanks Nat! :)