Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A Slip and Fall That Leads Into Bad Dancing

Have you ever felt you’ve been hit with the bad luck streak? I’m not talking gambling-wise; I’m talking about the ‘can’t stay up on my own two feet’ type of bad luck? It’s almost as if you’re hitting puberty and your body is just way too big for your brain to function it properly.

Well I had a little incident. Okay, well sort of a big incident. Well, more like an accident. I was on the phone with a buddy of mine while I was throwing back a few beers. I realized Madelene had just arrived home from work. I hung up the phone and quickly ran downstairs to prepare dinner. Now it was a pretty warm day out, so I was wearing my platform flip-flops. Yeah yeah, go ahead, call me white trash if you’d like—but they’re comfortable and well…they make me look a helluva lot taller.

Joyfully skipping down the stairs, I notice one flip-flop slid off my foot and down went Deb---right on her back. To imagine what the sound effects, I will copy Mike with this one.

Thuggidy thuggidy thuggidy THUMP! (And yes, those are my stairs in that picture above...)

On the floor lying on my back, my scream wasn’t audible. It just wouldn’t come out. It’s like a baby before it cries; you first get that lip-synced version of a scream…and then, ”WAAAAAAAAAA!” They start wailing at the top of their lungs. Well so did I.

“Sweetie! What happened! Oh my God! Are you okay?” Madelene says, as she runs down the stairs almost falling on top of me. This could have been a two dyke pile up. Luckily she wasn’t drinking yet, or I would have definitely invited that.

Pressed against an ice pack for the rest of the evening, I felt my right side of my back blow up like a balloon. I thought I busted my liver. (I think I did that a long time ago with all the alcohol consumption.) There I was googling every single fricken organ that is located on the right side: Liver & kidney. Great. Just when I thought I drowned my liver years ago, I literally punched it fifteen times by thuggidy thuggidy thumpin’ down the steps. Was God trying to tell me something? Maybe.

Picture it…New York, 2006, a warm sultry night was in store for us. My girlfriend and I were off to meet our friends Alyssa and Sue from the band, "September Dogs" to have dinner with them, as well as see them play at a nearby bar in the city. This was great. I was psyched.

7:15pm
Madelene (my girlfriend) and I waited at the bar for them. We ordered two Ketel One martinis extra dry straight up—three olives. Mmm. A martini before dinner always wets your appetite. I see them walk through the door. We had a great dinner and then headed off to location #2…the watering hole.

10:00pm
Can someone say, “Cut her off now please?” I was drinking beers like they had a leak in their taps. Madelene and I shot some pool and played some air hockey. Fun fun fun! Nothing like a little kiddy game to getchya’ started.

11:00pm
“Shot?” Madelene offers.
“Sure!” (What else would I say?)

12:00pm
Shot after shot…beer after beer…I was in a drunken stupor. I felt myself getting numb and feeling fuzzy. I knew I was done. After my ‘fourth beer threshold’, there is no sexual drive whatsoever. I know, I know, lucky gal Madelene is, huh? I’m like an impotent man after the fourth. Really.

1:30am
“Like oh…my GAWD! I love this song! Oh you gotta dance with me!” I said to Madelene, as though “Sweet Home Alabama” was the number one club song in New York. I believe they even mixed it with “Werewolves of London” too. Really good mix they did.

There I was, kicking my feet in the air, dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld--making a complete ass of myself. I didn’t care. I was happy, I was drunk, and I was dancing with a bunch of twenty year old perky boobed girlies. Does it get any better than this?

2:00am
What’s that? A strobe light? Cool!.......NO you idiot! It’s a camera being shot a million times pointing in my direction! Great. Now this is going to be all over God’s creation on the net. Is the net God’s creation? I have no clue. Manmade right? I believe? What would the atheists believe?

4:30am
Ah well, anyway, it was time to take Deb’s drunk ass home and call it a night…err….a morning. We got inside the house and my sweetie pushed me up the stairs. I didn’t want to have another ‘incident’ like I did the night before and ruin my liver again. But wait…I think I ruined it anyway.

Let me just tell you about the next day. I had DTs. No lie. I had convulsions from drinking so much, that I thought I was going to die. My legs, arms and whole body was shaking. My voice trembled as though I was 90 yrs old. This was a huge red flag for me. No---seriously, not kidding around. I am drying out right now and still kind of recovering.

Although I had a fantastic time with the gang—I promise to never, ever drink again. I am officially back on the wagon.

Anyone know when happy hour is?

52 comments:

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Put money onnit?

Russ said...

"Sweet Home Alabama" and "Werewolves Of London" - that's awesome! I can definitely see those two songs working together.

It's probably a good thing we don't have stairs, because I'm sure I would fall on them at least a few times a year.

Take care of yourself, girl!

becca said...

Hey Deb you're soo cute! Anyway I hope you see a doc for your fall if your back still hurts! and wads DTs? Man, I've been having back pains recently too, and I can't dance for nuts too.

~Deb said...

Stevo… Now you know you would win that one…donchya’?

Russ… They DO work together! I was surprised and impressed with their little ~live mix~ they had going on. And I never once fell down those stairs ever… I fell ‘up’ them, which is totally weird and bizarre.

Becca… Well my back is still slightly sore. I’ll be fine. I’m not yellow---that’s a good sign. Yeah---DTs were really bad and I have never experienced those before.

Mike said...

Good morning Fraggle! Is it safe to assume the last couple of days have been a lil better than the weekend?

*snickers*

~Deb said...

Yeh. Snicker all ya'want there Mikey boy. I'm detoxing as we speak.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Ouch..man thats a hellofa fall there sweets..that will teach you to wear those white trashy shoes..hehe

last summer I was running down my basmnet stairs, and i tripped fell down them, landed on my vacume cleaner that I had convinetly left at the bottom of the staris..

I couldnt walk, I just laid there and prayed for certain death..

I had to be on crutches for 2 freakin weeks...oh the drama..

oh and I need a night out with you and the Mrs..sounds like you guys know how to live it up;)

AWE said...

Sorry about your fall, hope you are ok.

I fell off of my back deck steps one time, it had been raining. I landed spilling dog food all over me. It pissed me off so bad that I put my fist through 2 steps. You know what good that did? None. The next day I had a sore back and had to replace 2 steps.

Tequila - it' not just for dancing.

TrappedInColorado said...

You know how you felt lying on your back? I have fallen off the wagon so many times I feel like that alot. We drink the same martinis except replace Kettle (pahtooy) with Level or Grey Goose.

Peace

Mike said...

Guess who has to go to work today...I knew better than to answer the phone dammit.

Grant said...

I severely cut back on my drinking in my thirties after a morning throwing up and dealing with an extreme hangover that lasted for two days. My twenty-something year old self could drink till he puked and then go back for more, but my thirty year old body started sending me signals that it was time to cut back. I'm lucky that I know when too much is too much. A lot of people find ways to justify anything. "I'm sure a lot of people crap in their pants - babies, demented old people, mental patients..."

normiekins said...

detox......mmmmmm.... 6 hours or so.....?

that is a great pic of you and Madelene.......

I haven't heard werewolfs in london in ages.....great song.

hope your liver heals soon.....happy hour is at 3:00 p.m.

Cheryl said...

Ouch! I hope that your liver and kidney are both ok.

Heather said...

If you can't kill your liver from the outside, might as well try it from the inside.

I apparently fell at the Red Dress Party this last weekend but had no clue until I went to get in the shower Sunday night and my knees were covered in dirt. Thought I had just tweaked my knee dancing - the bruises say otherwise.

And if there were so many pictures of the dancing, why didn't we get to see any?

~Deb said...

Yeah it was definitely a 'red flag' for me to cut back and literally stop...until vacation time--which is right around the corner. No more. I'm done. I've had it with the morning after crap.

The pictures that Alyssa sent to me were too large of an image for me to open. I have to somehow try to compact it. Does anyone know how to take a huge digital photo to make it 'smaller'? I can't open it for some odd reason----or it comes out REALLY huge.

Help is needed, because it's quite funny...cause remember I said I was dancing with those 20 something or other girls with perky boobs? Well...apparently I had beer goggles on and they have me dancing with ... someone who looked quite different. I have to get this picture condensed somehow to a smaller image.

Any help is appreciated. :)

Mike said...

Well....since I'm a nice guy...can I bring you home something tonite when I get off work?

How 'bout a cane...or a walker...or a wheelchair?

or

A device protecting against an exploding propane tank?

or possibly

A Lynard Skynard dvd?

*snickers*

TrappedInColorado said...

Image -> resize! Geesh... so easy! You must have a hangover or something. ;)

Peace

Saur♥Kraut said...

Platform shoes = white trash? Don't come down here, then, hon. White trash roams everywhere. Here platform shoes are usually considered dressy.

~Deb said...

Mike....go ahead...keep tinkerin' with me......you'll get yours! And yes---a walker would be great! Thanks!

Trapped...The question is---"HOW"... Tell me ol' guru! I am technically challenged over here.

Saur... Yeah, platform flip-flops---I just love them in the summer. But I seem to trip a lot. Could be a problem.

TrappedInColorado said...

Ok...What photo software do you have? Log on so I can IM you through this. Yeah, baby.. let me IM you....

Peace

Shannon said...

~Deb that was ME on the dance floor with you!! OMG we would have a blast... I usually dance the night away and spill most of my drink on my shoes lol..

Sorry about your fall.. you poor girl!! The pics are awesome and I love Air Hockey... we need to go out!! =)

~Deb said...

Trapped...I don't use AIM anymore due to work, so I can only use email for now.

Shannon... You gotta come out with us one night! We'd have a blast!

Leesa said...

Okay, ~deb, let me get this straight: you fall downstairs while drinking beers and on the phone, so to fix this problem, you go out, drink many adult beverages and nearly get alcohol poisoning? Let me look at my notes, I must have this wrong.

AWE said...

Do you have any software like Microsoft Office Picture Mgr installed? If you do it is under Picture -> Resize. If not open it in paint -> Image -> Attributes. You can change it there.

~Deb said...

Leesa...unfortunately, you are right on the money... *sigh*

Awe...Yes, I tried all of this, and it did work. However, the picture is so blurry that it hurts my eyes. It's way too fuzzy ... I'll get more pics this week.

Anonymous said...

So while you were getting your ass pushed up the steps by your lover because you were drunk, my girlfriend was pushing my ass up the steps because I was carrying her 5 yr old daughter to our room, three flights up. My legs were sore as hell from moving all weekend, I was sober - not dancing and sweetly drunk, and I was spent. I am wondering which of us had the more enjoyable moment, or perhaps they were both the same. I find it very sweet to have someones hands on my ass for two flights of steps.

I suppose I wanted to know if your night at the club was after the back-breaking fall or before.... could it be just a distant memory while in pain, or a blissful thought to eliviate the pain which we allow through the natural ecstacy -- dreams........

Madelene Rose said...

oh gosh.. ure my hero... I'm SUCH a light weight! one sip of beer makes me hurl.. British beer. I am fond of the daiquiri though :p

I hope u feel better! J. Lo ensured her behind, some rocker ensured his tongue... U gonna ensure anything?

*says the wise 22 yr old*

LOOOL

Joe said...

Great pictures.

Just out of curiousity, did the guy with the huge gas or propane tank happen to be nearby when you fell down the stairs? I'm wondering if he may have pushed you now that you're on to his secret.

~Deb said...

Anonymous...With your 'ass' comments, you sound very much like my little buddy that I haven't heard in a while. How's everything going? ;) I had the fall before I went out. Then I decided, "Hey! Let's just kill my liver off and put it out of its misery!"

Madelene Rose...Cheap date, aye? Insure anything? Hmmm...It may be my bum--I fall on it constantly.

Joe...You may have something there. I did feel hands push me...but I thought it was my abusive wife again.

messiah said...

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. although i will say i'm glad to hear you slid, rather then went head over heels. and liquid pain killer usually goes down easier.

good luck with the wagon, but maybe it's just a volume issue?

maybe your neighbor is a member of the al qaeda navy on a secret mission? don't know why, but i thought you were in a more urban area.

kathi said...

We need to get you one of those motorized chairs for your stairs railing...we'll even get one with a cup holder so you don't have to put down your drink, lol.
Love seeing your pics of you and Madelene.

~Deb said...

Messiah... It's always a volume issue. Everything in moderation, right? Those stairs were quite rough with my backside.

Kathi... What a great idea!!! I am so excited! A cup holder and everything! You're the best. I knew there was a reason I loved ya so much! xxoo

Anonymous said...

Wow you think you recognized me from an ass comment, hmmm you might be that good..... well I will say I do love a nice ass :)! Now, I have posted a comment, however, it never made it to cyber space, so if you see this twice, my apologies....

Never-the-less, very ambitious of you to go out after a fall down those steps! Now, through my eyes you had every reason to get trashed and alleviate yourself from all that pain!

Your little buddy????? Well perhaps this may be so... my friend....I have been around, while not a faithful bloggee, as I have been so busy at work, I catch you whenever I can, to see what is going on in your life......anonymously, of course.

I am well, single but might as well be married.
Work, has been to busy, I need a break.

Anonymous said...

Wow you think you recognized me from an ass comment, hmmm you might be that good..... well I will say I do love a nice ass :)! Now, I have posted a comment, however, it never made it to cyber space, so if you see this twice, my apologies....

Never-the-less, very ambitious of you to go out after a fall down those steps! Now, through my eyes you had every reason to get trashed and alleviate yourself from all that pain!

Your little buddy????? Well perhaps this may be so... my friend....I have been around, while not a faithful bloggee, as I have been so busy at work, I catch you whenever I can, to see what is going on in your life......anonymously, of course.

I am well, single but might as well be married.
Work, has been to busy, I need a break.

WriteWingNut said...

This is so weird. This is like the 500th "falling down the stairs" story I've heard since I did my prank falling down the stairs on April fools. It's got to mean something, lol!

CP said...

You must call me when your liver finally blows. I will want to make a shmear with a bagel out of chopped Deb liver. Might be the only way Mad will ever let me eat you. *ROFL* Tacky tacky tacky. Speaking of Mad, hello...can she BE more gorgeous? Get drunk one more time, so I can violate her ten different ways while you are all impotent and spent.

Next time you fall down, please wait for me to be in Nueva York so I may CATCH YOU. Poor terrorists next door must have thought they were being invaded. Your lucky they didn't blow up that thing in the backyard in retaliation.

WTF. Where are MY meds. Percoset? Oh Percoset? Mama needs you. Come back to meeeee.

CP.

LisaBinDaCity said...

Either stop drinking or stop wearing flip flops ;-)

Casually Me said...

I think a line from KingPin is appropriate...Randy Quaid asks Woody if he is getting sick from drinking...and he says no..I get sick when I don't drink.

I am not on any wagon, I hate the pressure. I just became bored with drinking a few months ago, and have not felt the need. I'm sure I will go back, when I want to die, live, or do something in between. Tell you the truth though...this self imposed sobriety has taught me one thing...I write a lot better when I'm drunk. Strange eh?

lena said...

awww... I have problems with stairs too! Although, at least you had been drinking. Me? Nope, completely sober and falling down the stairs! UGH!
Hope your back is feeling better...!

~Deb said...

Anonymous… Hmm, I could be wrong. Not sure if I know you or not, but you did sound like my friend until a few sentences you let out there. But thanks for your input! Appreciate you stopping by!

Writewing… Hmmm, did you send a hex out on me?

Cp… I’ll have the morgue call you instead. You can identify my body if that happens. Ew. Creepy. And no, Madelene can’t get anymore gorgeous…if she did, I’d sleep with her. AH! JUST KIDDING! OMG I am going to get in so much trouble for that remark. Will I delete it? Neverrrrrrrr.

Lisa… Words from the ol’wise one! Hehe!

Casually… Cute… I do get sick when I don’t drink. Actually, I drink more when I have more anxiety….then the next morning….I get anxiety because I drank. It’s a catch 22. I can’t win!

~Deb said...

Lena, believe me, I trip over my own two feet when I'm sober (which is rare) ...I mean...the sober part. ;)

Anonymous said...

Grace (can I call you that), when you are feeling less than glamorous, do what I do to make myself feel better by remembering the funny old saying:

"Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines"

Your liver is kissing you on the inside right now for being so kind to it.

:]

Jillian said...

I feel your pain. I fell down my basement stairs and went to the Dr. and he actually asked me how many steps did I hit....I kid you not!!! Who the hell cares how many!! I don't hit I forgot to count on the way down!

Hope your feeling better!

Anonymous said...

If you are using Photoshop to resize the images, do this:
Open the image
click Image>Image size
The little window pops up and in the "width" field you can type in the desired size like 640x480.

To the right of the W + H fields you can choose the unit measurement like pixels or inches. Stick with pixels.

It's easiest if you keep the "constrain proportions" box checked (near the bottom of the little window).

Hope this helps.

~Deb said...

Jill...Yeah, I guess our accounting skills go out the window as soon as we fall on our asses.

Anonymous...WHO are you??? Thanks for the info, but the photo was too blurry to post up there anyway.

Anonymous said...

there are two of us that are anonymous

Mar said...

You sound like me...i had a really bad hung over. But did I stop on tuesday here I go again. And about those shose I was wearing 4" heel wedge shoes I was walking to the store with my sisters...and all of a sudden I WAY FLYING...They didnt know what had happen to me. I was on hte floor in no time. My niece of 2yrs old still remembers and tells everyone about the accident over and over again.

~Deb said...

Anonymous...Great. That helps! ;)

Mar...Oh you sound so much like me! Don't you love little nieces who relive that moment, ....like a million times over again? I have two nieces who do the same! Precious until someone falls down and breaks their @ss.

Mike said...

Shake that moneymaker huh?

'Mornin Fraggle!

How's the recuperation going for ya?

the Bleu Dog said...

Deb, how come you failed to mention the part where you asked someone to go over to Assistant district attorney (who just happens to be in charge of the countys sex crimes) and ask her to move to the over side of the table because you couldnt stop gawking at her ass and felt as though you were cheating on Mad if she didnt move. Its a good thing Adultery is not enforceable in NY or she would've been on your ass so to speak.
Oh and apparently you were also foggy on why they were so many pictures of girls butts. You requested the pictures drunk skunk!

~Deb said...

Mike...Who's shakin' wha hunnay???

Bleu... She kept bouncing up and down in front of me. What was I supposed to do? It was her birthday, so I bought her a shot and asked her to move so I didn't feel as though I was cheating on my girlfriend. She didn't think it was a sexual crime...she laughed and said, "Awe, you're cute!"

CUTE? ... Hmmmph. Squirrels are cute....gophers are cute....beavers are----let me stop there.

steff81 said...

Are you better yet? Got watch out for those vital organs!