Friday, April 28, 2006

The Cobbler, the Banker, the Candlestick Maker

Every Thursday morning I usually have to scurry over to the bank to cash a few checks and get to the dry cleaners so that I can have everything ready by the weekend. I really shouldn’t be telling the whole world my routine---because that’s a stalker’s dream. The next thing you know, I’ll see Mikey driving behind me on my way to the bank with his oversized wood paneled station wagon waiting to pounce on his prey. (That’s if his car makes it all the way to New York…) Don’t let Kathi fool you either. She’ll be the one driving in a huge Ford pick up truck with a bunch of lawn mowers in the back waiting in the parking lot for me to come out of the drive-thru, so she can make her move. (I hope I can at least convince her to mow my lawn for the love of God…) It’ll be well worth being the stalked victim.

As I pull up to the bank’s drive-thru, I notice a young boy greets me at the window. He was probably around twenty-two years old, tall, lanky with dark hair. He looked like one of those, ‘I’ve been playing video games all my life-wanna be a banker so I can hack into their system’ type of kid. He looked painfully smart, and painfully desperate for a date.

“Good morning!” He pipes through the loud speaker—which sounds much like the one at McDonald’s. Yeah go ahead—now you know I’ve indulged in a little Micky D’s.
"Morning..." I replied, as I slipped my checks into the canister.

For some reason, I always turn down my stereo—even if it’s low. Have you ever waited online at a bank inside, and you can literally hear everything that goes on in the car being served at the drive-thru? It’s almost embarrassing, because these people don’t even realize they’re talking loudly, or blaring their thug music all over God’s creation. The entire bank is bouncing to Snoop Dog.

Needless to say, I remain quiet and still; for the fear of someone noticing my horrible selection of music. I wait for the geeky kid to come back with his oversized dress shirt that looks like he just ripped off from his daddy. New jobs are tough—you have to dress the part. I don’t think anything would fit perfectly on his pencil thin frame, but I betchya’ he’s a nice boy. I think I recall him delivering my pizza once or twice…

“There ya go! Hey, it’s beautiful out today, huh?” He says, in his nasally voice through a can-like tube microphone.
“Ah, yeah—definitely try to get out if you can!” I said, trying to end the conversation gracefully.
“I get off at four. But I usually work out at the gym after work right around the corner.”
“Oh, I’m a member there too. It’s funny, I do the same thing—it’ll be the most gorgeous day, but I prefer the gym rather than exercise outside…”

“Well maybe I can meet up with you at four then?”


I so didn’t want this conversation to go there. I have to be at least ten years older than this kid, (maybe 15--shuddap!!!) and besides that—I was having a horrible hair day with no make up. If you really think about it though, if I were single and wanted to date a child, he’d totally know what I would look like if he woke up next to me. Then again, I didn't want to be on the list of sex offenders in my neighborhood.


No. I didn’t think about it. Don’t even go there. I was actually flattered beyond belief that a young kid wanted to meet me at the gym.

Questions that I have to ask myself:

1. Does he think I need to get my big ass to the gym?

2. Does he need someone to spot his skinny ass while he lifts those five pound barbells?

3. Does this kid even own…ummm….a cornea?

“Thank you so much for offering! I would, but I don’t get off work till 7pm. Maybe I’ll see you there sometime!” What an outright lie! Thou shall not lie. Oh I am breaking all the rules here folks. What a bad girl I turned out to be.
“No problem---hopefully we’ll see each other again!” He says.
“I’m here every Thursday…” I said, laughing my way out of that drive-thru.

This guy’s got nothing on the cobbler. He didn’t even invite me to his…umm….his dad’s house to use the hot tub. I could have played tons of video games and ate pizza with a bunch of banker wannabes.

I need to go deflate my head now.


Georgiapeach said...

He thought you were hot and would have loved to see you in purple strech pants and a pink
*And if you can wear that outfit to the gym, then you have an awesome*

AWE said...

You sure you're not going hetro on us?

Leesa said...

Oh, you know, I would be sort of flattered - very flattered, but also a bit freaked out. I remember when I used to go to a pool when I was in college, and have these 14-year-olds talk to me nervously and look me over. Very flattering, very disturbing.

TrappedInColorado said...

I'm the guy trailing you in the customized van with the martini bar in the back. Somehow I don't think I will have much problem getting you to step inside! :0 Muhahahahaha..

Don't you cityfied folks have online banking? I only go into the bank to get to my safe deposit box to play with my gold.

Wanna hook up for a cocktail or 8 tonight?


~Deb said...

Gapeach… Now that’s hot! I’m gonna go to Walmart and purchase that outfit! Thanks!

Awe… I never get hit on by women. Never. (Unless they’re really tanked!)

Leesa… That would be disturbing. I’m just glad I didn’t see your mug shot in the news for being a pedophile…hehe….

Trapped…You know something? I can totally envision you in that black van with tinted windows waiting for me to exit the drive-thru. As long as the martinis are flowin’—I’m there buddy! Yes, I have online banking, but I have to deposit certain checks manually. Everything else is direct deposit. Gotta do it the ol’ fashioned way.

Grant said...

Normally I'm envious of attractive women and the way men go out of their way to do things for them and seek their approval, but having just ready yesterday's post, I think if I was in your place I would be thinking "jebus fecking crast, can't I even run a couple of errands without some pimply-faced, snot-nosed brat trying to feck me?" Sorry for all the near profanity, but I think I'd be really angry and would have shut the conversation down with my brand of Grantitude. I may not be able to get a date, but I can shut a person down with ruthless efficiency.
"Hey, it’s beautiful out today, huh?"
Trust me, conversations stop at that point.

mal said...

I dunno, he probably (certainly) thought you were HOT! It sure beats having them say "you really look a lot my Great Aunt Petunia"

Anonymous said...

I have a pin if you need deflating! I think that is great! Gotta love men. It always seems that when I feel I look my worse that I am getting hit on. Of course if you see the guys that are hitting on me, maybe you'd understand...... I live in the city and there are a lot of uhmmmm strange characters. Even if I was straight I would run from what approaches me, Yes I said what not who.....
But be flattered, you should! It is nice when someone looks at you and thinks you are beautiful, or is interested in you. We all need compliments like that and sometimes our families and lovers forget to tell us. I guess we almost become objects and after a while aren't noticed. ;(

So I'll tell you too. You are beautiful, You are funny, You are amazing.

Have a great weekend.

AWE said...

I am telling you Deb, shave your head, the women will hit on you. Well it works for me anyways.

Mike said...

What a heartbreaker you are. You're gonna feel horrible when you read tomorow's paper and see that tall, skinny, geeky wannabe banker type suffers crushing blow to the chest with a 5 lb barbell because no one would spot for him.

You New Yawka's are so cruel.


Grace said...

lol, that's brilliant. Poor little kid. Can't blame him for trying though... I mean, look at you :)

P.S. I got a new nickname and a new blog address.

Geoffrey Hirschfeld said...

Yeah, poor kid. But it should say a little about you and the way you look, eh? I guess I take it as a compliment when a gay guy hits on me, maybe it might be the same idea(OK, maybe not!). It amazes me that a guy might even stare at my big ass, but hey, it is a compliment.Now, when a younger guy hits on a "older" woman(not that you are older, mind you), it's like he is asking for education. You know, like he is saying, "I want someone who is not just playing at sex because they want love"-they want sex, and who better who knows their body? Yonger women don't know what they want, but older women...been there, done that, and I speak from get my drift.Maybe I am wierd, but that is one take on it.

Tai said...

Well, hell....when you got it!

It's spring...the time when a young man's fancy turns to JACUZZI'S!!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

so this is 2 in a row you are being asked out by a lucky lesbain you..

you must have that look about you, the " i am desparte for a date look"..haha..j/k

stay clear of all the freaks, and me!!..

├ůsa said...

LOL! Deb! Aren't men the best! They have no self critique and no sense of someone being "out of their league"! You know he was hoping that this hot chick (being YOU) would meet him at the gym and there he would totally impress you with his fit body...

Just enjoy! ...and maybe switch bank. He could become a stalker if he's really hooked on you! Doesn't take much (in time that is) at that age.

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy being attractive!

JD said...

one, you said the kid looked smart. smart enough to figure out he was looking at a classy woman.

two, he looks like he played lots of video games, so obviously, good eyesight.

and three, if he is ambitious, why not ask out the most attractive woman he probably saw that day?

Deb, i'd take it as a huge compliment if i were you. ;) a much deserved one at that. :)

Madelene Rose said...

Poor guy... My age... Hmm Maybe that's what my crush thinks of me. Although I am not pimply, geeky or skinny.


Hmmm I understand my crush much better from you Deb :) She's older than me and we work in the same place. She's funny and sensitive.. Bless her.

Quite informative. Well done! U help me understand my crush better. *sigh*

Heather said...

Girlfriend, what kind of phermones are you putting out?

Nettie said...

Come on, what's the music choice?

kathi said...

I just hope the kid doesn't own any firearms, goes on a shooting spree after being turned down by our deb. Probably took every ounce of balls he had to ask ya to meet him.

And there ya go, stereotyping again...not all Texans drive big ole' trucks. Silly yankee.

Russ said...

Ok maybe it's my lack of dating experience talking, but . . .

What kind of person asks you out on a date to the GYM?

There's running involved. And physical exertion. And sweating. Lots and lots of sweating. That would NOT be my idea of a great first date.

Sounds like a good second date though, just not in the gym lol.

Jon said...

I am sure his vision os fine. I am better you are hot even without makeup. Maybe he's the type that get's hit on by all the old ladies at the bank, but wanted someone closer to his age. You don't look very old to me. I could see bending you over my knee. OK, let me think about that for a minute... hmmm

You are an absolute sweetheart just oozing with niceness. You don't have the word BITCH stamped on your forehead. The type of women that men call approachable.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Hmmm. Sounds as if your experience with the banker kids was as ego inflating as mine when the pharmacy clerk asked to see my ID the last times I purchased cigarettes!

Kim said...

It makes you feel good though! Over 40 here and painfully grateful for any "checking out" or "getting hit on" situations. I got a "Hey Baby" the other day. My mom said it was proabably a 90 year old man, that was nearly blind. sigh.... Oh well my husband says he thinks I am "hot" but I think he only said that because it was getting close to dinner. sigh AGAIN.

Lisa said...

Ah Deb, it seems your beauty is a curse....

we should all be so unfortunate!



steff81 said...

Unless you were at the drive-thru window that is directly in front of him I bet he didn't even notice the lack of make-up or bad hair day. Maybe he's just overwhelmed by your steller personality! Have a good Sunday!!

Fred said...

What's the deal with turning down the radio? I do the same thing whenever I need to get directions or speak to someone.

The banking guy probably made off with your money. :)

joey♥ said...

haha luved this story. you are such an awesome, hilarious writer. hurry back!

Cheetarah1980 said...

I don't blame him for hitting on you. You're hot! The cascading brown waves have a presence all there own. If I, a straight woman, can see that, then heterosexual men must fall at your feet. Now that I think about it, YOU SUCK!!! You don't even like men like that and you pull them away from chicks like me who want one. Greedy, greedy, greedy!!! LOL...
Anyways, I was going to say something else, but in all my ranting I forgot what it is.

Nunzia said...

haha nice.. a stalkers dream lol

Saur♥Kraut said...

How cool is that! And I like a guy who is brave enough to go after a girl. That new song, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt? I always think "What a wuss!" If he thought she was hot, whether she was with someone else or not... Be A Man About It!!! Go for it! What's the worst that can happen? She says "forget you"? Then so be it! At least you tried!

Saur♥Kraut said...

How cool is that! And I like a guy who is brave enough to go after a girl. That new song, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt? I always think "What a wuss!" If he thought she was hot, whether she was with someone else or not... Be A Man About It!!! Go for it! What's the worst that can happen? She says "forget you"? Then so be it! At least you tried!

GirlGoyle said...

Everyone our age needs a midlife crisis. Yours could happen to be a banker...wanna be. LOL

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