Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Greener Grass

Spring is in the air! Isn’t this the time when lovers get together? Birds are singing louder and the grass looks a whole lot greener? They say that love usually develops in the spring. What study is that? Apparently, from what I’m seeing, the most break ups happen between two people during this time. I have a slew of people I know and good friends who are either having a rocky relationship or parting. People are under the assumption that my girlfriend and I are ‘perfectly happy’. No. She gets fed up with me from time to time and we argue like any other dysfunctional couple. The occasional mango gets tossed at my head and periodically wine gets poured over hers.

What are the ingredients for a ‘happy couple’? Who really knows? For me? It’s understanding and rationalizing the fact that each person in the relationship (party of two usually) are their own individual person. You do not own your partner or spouse. (Unless you paid good money for them…) It’s about respect. Sometimes I cross the lines of respect and say things that are appalling, but that’s just me. Then that brings me to ‘acceptance’. Thank God for that one---or my girlfriend would have left me years ago. Respect and acceptance in my opinion is the biggest factor to maintain any healthy relationship.

Friendship. No, I’m not just talking about the old saying, “Oh you’re not only my lover, but you’re my best friend…” Come on—and how many people truly believe that? I’m talking “true friendship”, where you can sit down with your partner and tell him/her absolutely anything you have done or feel guilty about. Yeah---that kind of friend. The friend that is genuinely interested in what you did or what you think. (God forbid!) The majority of couples are ‘lovers’. They say they’re friends, but they’re lovers. Lovers quarrel about jealousy issues. Insecurity has a major part in this. “Where were you? Where you going? Who’s that on the phone? Who you chatting with?” That kind of ‘jealousy’. The one where you can’t do anything ever around this person without them blowing a gasket.

We do not own the person we’re with. We do not have the authority to say, “Do this now!” or, “Don’t you dare go out with your buddies tonight!” (The “Do this now” sometimes comes in handy though…just say “please” before attempting this maneuver.) Control freaks usually expect their partner to do absolutely everything---and absolutely nothing. (Everything for them and nothing for anyone else.) Then you have the type of partner who only focuses on you and makes you their life. That’s a lot of responsibility for the other person to take on. Think about it—you are their life now. With that being said, that’s why so many people who get into relationships lose their friends. Think about it.

I’m not sure if I’m a control freak or my girlfriend is just indecisive. Anytime we plan to go out on Saturday night, it’s the same story. “Whaddya’ wanna do?” “I don’t know, whaddya’ wanna do?” “I don’t know…it’s up to you. Whaddya’ wanna do?” It gets to the point where I scream out, “For the love of God--let’s just do this!” And then the decision is final. Yeah, it’s great to go where I want, but sometimes I wish she would take the reigns and say, “Listen, I wanna do this and do that…and that’s final!” I’d have quite the little twinkle in my eye.

Then you have that other issue. Yeah---that issue. In my world, it’s called “LBD”. (Lesbian Bed Death) It’s self-explanatory really. I resent the fact that they even had to initialize and separate this disorder for the lesbians, because I know a lot of heterosexual couples who have ‘hetero bed death’. Is it normal? I guess. Is it supposed to be like that? Who knows. I do believe that each couple is so different from another. Lack of communication and conflict of schedules can be a couple of factors, but most of all (in my opinion) relationships are work. After somewhat years, you’re going to have to make that conscious effort to not roll over and go to bed so fast. Yeah—that means you!

The one thing I had to stop doing was comparing my relationship to everyone else’s. You begin to realize your situation isn’t all that bad. As the old saying goes, the grass always looks greener, doesn’t it? Although my neighbor’s landscapers just put down the greenest sod ever----oh never mind.

Just remember one thing…If you don’t mind ‘the store’…someone else will. Not in the physical aspect per se, but their attention can drift to other areas where they’re typically forbidden. We’re all human, and we need to realize our partner’s needs---physically and emotionally. Don’t ignore it. Bring whatever issue you have on the table and see where it goes from there. Love is not only a feeling, but it’s a choice.

DISCLAIMER:
This dimwit is not a sexual therapist or has any psychiatric licenses. Do not take any of this advice seriously for medical, mental and emotional issues. Please see a real psychiatrist or sex therapist if you are experiencing any of the above problems that Deb has stated. Deb’s a wannabe doctor who does not have the authority to diagnose any relationship—for she has her own issues to tend to. Be on alert for anymore relationship blabber she may post. Thank you.