Saturday, January 07, 2006

Stages of Love

Here’s the deal. I’m losing another friend. Yep. I’m losing her to good sex. I mean, how can I compete? Good sex is better than a good friend any given day! But, I totally understand. Here I am, sitting with Madelene, dialing my buddy up.

“Jen?”
“Uhh…….yeh…….what’s up?”
“Hey! How are you? What are you doing?”
I start blabbering on like a fool.
“Umm, Deb….can I call…you….(giggle giggle)….back?”
“Oh. Sure. You okay?”
“Oh…I’m just fine!”
She says, in this tone that told me, “Hey! I’m getting laid!”

So this is good. My good friend who was looking for love has finally found it. In fact, she is coordinating her time and schedule for her love fests. Isn’t love grand? That feeling of anticipation of ravishing your loved one? It’s almost magical. The grass seems to be greener, the birds are singing louder, and the air smells nicer—everything around you is pure bliss. Love does that.

I get a call.

“Deb?”
“Hey! How are you? Sorry about last night when I called…”
“Oh no problem. Yeah, about last night, I’m having an ‘issue’.”
“An issue?”
“Yeah…we…ummm….have too much sex.”
She says, with hesitation.
“WHAT? You call that an issue? What’s wrong with you? You’re complaining about ‘too much’ sex…and on top of that…it’s good??? Are you nuts?”
“Well, it’s kind of exhausting when we have to check if we have fifteen minutes to spare while she gets the next train home.”
“Oh, I feel so fricken bad for you! It’s kind of exhausting sitting here watching love scenes from The L Word, with someone you ‘could’ have sex with---and don’t get any.”
I said, in a cynical tone kidding around with her.

There is nothing like new love. It’s a whole discovery process—which you get to learn about the other person not only physically, but emotionally as well. I do believe there are stages of love that people get confused with. Now, I know someone is going to debate me on this one, but here it goes.

First stage: You get the butterflies in your stomach when you see him/her. Your kisses are sometimes an hour long. When the phone rings—your heart almost stops. You keep checking your phone to see if it works. You keep checking your voice mail, email and other devices to see if he/she has contacted you. You say, “I love you sooo much”----too much. It can almost be confused with “lust” very easily. The sex is daily—or whenever you see him/her. The sex is not only daily, but can go on and on…much like this blog.

Second stage: You two are connected at the hip. When you see one, you see the other. You find that ‘this is the one’. You see yourself marrying this person. You think of having a family with this person. You want to share your life with him/her and you want to include them in your family. Now it has become a level of ‘family’—where you want him/her in every aspect of your life. The sex is still great and amazing, but maybe three to four times per week. Not bad.

Third Stage: You’re finally at the point where this person has become one with you. He/she has become your friend, your lover as well as family. This stage, the two parties are usually sharing living quarters and the love has settled into contentment. Now, a lot of people think contentment is a ‘bad’ word. It isn’t. You found ‘the one’. The ten times per day sex has reached its limit, however, when you do have sex with them, it’s the quality—not quantity. The sex has more meaning behind it—more depth---and more stability. There is no worrying about anything. The love has become unconditional--where you would do absolutely anything for this person—without thinking about it. This is the person you want to grow old with; this is your soul mate, your life partner and your best friend. No one else can compare. Not even great sex ten times per day. The passion you seek is companionship, from your best friend and lover. That’s when you know you’re ‘in love’.

I can definitely think of people I have been with, where it was more of a sexual relationship. In retrospect, I found out it was merely lust. The memories that I have of the people I thought I was ‘in love’ with---are all sexual memories. That’s not love. If you think you were in love with someone in your past, try and think about memories that don’t include sex. I’m talking about, sitting at home watching a movie, or going out and having a great time and talking for hours---but remembering those conversations. Remember something other than a sexual nature. With certain people in my past, I can’t remember the ‘friendship’ part.

A friendship is the foundation of a healthy relationship between two people. If you don’t have that foundation, then you’ll probably see yourself getting pretty sick of him/her, and noticing that the sex isn’t worth it. Make sure that the person you’re with is your best friend. You desire to spend your time with them; you don’t dread it. There also has to be ‘balance’ in that relationship as well. The two people should respect one another’s time with their friends and loved ones as well…and alone sometimes. This is ‘okay’, in my opinion. Madelene loves when I go out with my friends, and she trusts me 100%. If she goes out with her friends, I too, trust her 100%. No trust = stressful relationship. Usually those fall apart.

Whenever someone is possessive in a relationship, it’s a huge sign of insecurity and lack of trust. It doesn’t mean that the other person is doing anything wrong. This person’s mind has been ‘programmed’ to not trust automatically, possibly due to past relationships and/or past family issues. There’s always a reason behind a person’s jealous behavior. Jealousy will always ruin a relationship. It will push the other person away. Then the jealous person always says, “Well you keep pushing me away when things go bad.” Things went bad—because of their jealous nature. They usually place the blame on you.

So, what stage are you at? (If you’re in a relationship.) Do you see yourself at stage 1, 2 or 3?

Or—do you simply disagree?