Living Proof

I t was like any other day really. After I was done with work, I grabbed my keys and headed downtown to grab some fresh salmon and veggies from the local farm market. Mom loved when I made my baked salmon over broccoli rabe. I wanted to make her something special. I hadn't slept in quite a few days, but felt the need to do something nice for her. All week, something was happening to me. I was having anticipatory grief due to Mom's illness worsening. In fact, a few days before I had a complete meltdown because I spent the entire night in the living room with her, watching her rock back and forth in pain before the meds kicked in. When they finally did kick in, I would then hear her labored breathing, which was a new one for me. As I kept an eye on her, at one point, her positioning was so twisted and visibly uncomfortable, that I wondered if there was something she wasn't telling me. I knew she was very ill and that she had exhausted all of her options of treatment, but so...

Nobody has control over you. After years of fearing other people's judgements about who I am, what I do and who I'm with, I finally came to realize that -- hey -- I'm an adult! I couldn't give a rat's culo if you disagree with my life choices. Sometimes even the people who are closest to you have this false illusion that they can steer your life's rudder. Let them make suggestions, let them throw their two cents in, or even outright judge you, but the one thing they can't do is change your life according to their will. I read somewhere that whenever you see someone who needs power and control, and will not stop until they get it, you are actually seeing someone who is deeply afraid of life. Fearful people need to have things their way. If they don't, they experience high levels of anxiety and usually have some sort of meltdown. Trust me, I'm no psychiatrist, but I do know that there are people out there who are just absolutely damaged for whateve...

Oftentimes, I hear, "Oh you look like you're so happy, I didn't know you were going through anything like that," from people who have either just met me, those who view me on live stream as well as some of my friends. I am happy. I am more grateful than anything. And as they say, happiness is a byproduct of being grateful. When I smile, it's usually genuine. I love to laugh and help others who are going through hard times as well. But then there's "me" -- the "me" you don't see when I'm not around you in person, or on social media or live stream -- the "me" that cries her eyes out when nobody's looking. I know it's not bad to cry, but I'd rather cry by myself, with my dog or comforted by my significant other. I try not to bring anyone down, but the fact is: I'm only human. Seeing my mom suffer so terribly from cancer is just heart wrenching. I watched my father succumb to the awful end stages of canc...

What does Pride Month mean to me? I'm not quite sure. I know that I am incredibly grateful for growing old with my best friend, my partner, my wife, ...my "family unit" -- but I can't say that I'm "prideful." To many of the LGBT qiaxyz community, that's a huge slap in the face. Of course I will always recognize the struggle and the progress of establishing equal rights, but many people of the community still think we live in some third world country. Women's rights activists prance around our country with vagina hats and costumes, protesting the lack of equal rights in America. They feel that they're oppressed and have no rights here in the U.S. The Women's March definitely displayed a lack of respect and dignity to all those who are grateful to be in this country. For all of those who are angry at the U.S. for the lack of rights, please feel free to move to one of these countries: Yemen: According to the 1994 penal code, married ...

Everyone is here to fill a much needed space in life, whether it seems so or not. Some people are here to teach us a lesson, while others are here to test our own sense of character. Regardless, we learn from both through our own reactions. Some people are here to just piss you off. It's your reaction that counts. As I always say, you don't have to attend every argument that you're invited to. I didn't learn that until I was in my 40's. My reaction to a destructive situation may hurt me now, and I may voice my thoughts and opinions about it, but it's highly unlikely I would seek out revenge as I would've done when I was younger. As I've grown more mature in my faith in God, my relationship and communication with Him, the more I understand the reasoning behind all madness. People hurt. And hurt people hurt other people. It's just a law. But if those people can realize that their past hurt can be healed, or used constructively, life would be much more ...

Honestly, I never really knew how to shut my mind off completely. I practice meditation, I try to avoid stressful and unnecessary events that seem to creep up in my life as best I can. But something happened last week. The days before my vacation, I was dealing with massive heart palpitations and chest pain. I was sent up to the ER twice for these. All tests concluded that my heart was fine. I even saw a cardiologist. All is well. As soon as I stepped onto the beautiful property that we rented out right on the ocean, something strange happened. My entire mind shut off. I wasn't thinking about my work, about any stressful situations that were occurring or unnecessary arguments that had taken place weeks prior. It also felt as though my health improved as well. I didn't even obsessively think about my mom's cancer and what could  happen. Mom was with us. We had a family vacation. Mom didn't even think about her condition, although she was in pain from time to time, but...

There are many things I focus on, some more than others of course. At times, I find myself focused on one thing much more than the other, to the point where it consumes me. Have you ever played a video game when you were younger (or even as an adult) -- and you found yourself sitting Indian style in front of the television set for many hours trying to get to the next level of the game? You couldn't even focus on anything else. When you slept, you even dreamt of playing the game! But what happens when things in your life aren't balanced? Other things in your life start to wilt like a plant -- they get neglected, and so, you lose all sense of priority. Everything else just dies out. What are you focusing on? What are you neglecting? Yesterday afternoon, I had a discussion about forgiveness and letting go on live stream. Many people had some great ideas, and some people were adamantly charged with fuel for revenge. I asked the question of, if somebody hurt you or did s...