Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Sometimes "good excitement" can be felt as negative anxiety. It's uncomfortable, because you truly don't know where it's all coming from. Our subconscious minds rattle and shake while our conscious minds are like, "What is happening?" I was always confused of the thought of the subconscious mind and how it can hide the root of all of our issues. While sitting on my therapist's sofa, she asked, "So tell me about your feelings on leaving the family home...."
Tears started to stream out of my eyes, as I told her how heartbreaking it was. I started telling her how strange it was that I have so many good memories, but the bad ones overshadows the good ones. Both my parents suffered here and that's all I can think of! And then more tears.
Then she asked, "Now tell me about your new place and what you look forward to."
She smiled and said, "Your face totally changed while talking about your new home."
After we closed on the home, I was expecting to move in within days. But that didn't happen. We had to wait and wait and wait. Between the new hardwood floors, painting, HVAC installations as well as new toilets and plumbing---I started to get depressed. It's as though I'm like, alright alright---rip the damn bandaid off now! I didn't realize how toxic it was for me to stay in this house. Working from home really doesn't benefit me in this house. It's all reminders of what was, and who suffered here. I stopped cooking as much, I stopped using some of the rooms in this house, leaving it to truly look abandoned. I'm done here. So I think this recent anxiety is just my cocoon preparing to open up for me so that I can fly out with new wings.
Thing is, I've lost touch with a lot of friends and acquaintances. I'm still cocooning right now and I'm not sure when it'll open---hopefully soon. I feel like I let a lot of people down by not being there for them, or not showing up at certain events and special occasions. Losing mom was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever experienced. I knew that since I was a baby actually. I knew that she would be my biggest heartbreak. I'm not sure how to recover over this loss, but finding this new home is definitely a start in the right direction. I can't stay here. I don't want to stay here. It's desolate, with echoes of the past. I want to move forward so badly that my heart flutters every single morning when I wake up.
I'm fighting the urge to just crawl back into bed and just call it a day. But what good would that do? So I get up, pray, meditate, make some eggs and coffee and listen to soothing music as I work. Usually, the anxiety subsides and I'm able to go about my normal day. Hopefully soon, I'll be in a better place, physically and emotionally. God is getting me through this and I refuse to give up!
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