Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Transformation

Lately, it's been strange for me. It's been two years since my mom passed away, and my partner and I just bought our first home together, which is exciting because we needed a different atmosphere and a new start. It was too much. I thought I was happy, I am happy about it, but every single morning, I wake up with a pounding heart and horrible anxiety. This is a new symptom for me. At first, it alarmed me---I started getting chest pain because I was panicking, and ended up at the doctor's to be told it was just anxiety. So, I literally and intentionally have to slowly rise, get up and go into the other room to pray and meditate for about an hour or so before even having breakfast. After a while, my heart rate goes back down and I can function again. I learned a few coping mechanisms from my therapist that really helps, but I rely on my prayer time with God first and foremost. Another thing I started doing was telling myself all the positives about this huge move we are doing. We are leaving my home---the home I was raised in---the home I spent years of happiness with my parents and siblings, so you can imagine how bittersweet this is. I actually feel bad 'abandoning' this home. That's the only feeling that comes up: abandonment. But it really isn't. It's letting go of the old and embracing the new. And with that, comes transformation.

Transformation is sometimes messy. I've been learning that sometimes when you feel extreme anxiety before a big change, that it's more about being on the cusp of a spiritual awakening. One pastor described it as a caterpillar going into its cocoon to transform. It struggles as it tries to adjust and morph into what God has called it to do. If you take him out too early, he'll fall onto the ground and crawl instead. But if you let the caterpillar go through what it has to go through, it'll transform into a butterfly. This is how it feels for me. I'm struggling to hard here and I rarely reach out to anybody because I don't want to be a burden. But, I have to go through it or I won't learn how to wiggle out of it on my own.

Sometimes "good excitement" can be felt as negative anxiety. It's uncomfortable, because you truly don't know where it's all coming from. Our subconscious minds rattle and shake while our conscious minds are like, "What is happening?" I was always confused of the thought of the subconscious mind and how it can hide the root of all of our issues. While sitting on my therapist's sofa, she asked, "So tell me about your feelings on leaving the family home...."

Tears started to stream out of my eyes, as I told her how heartbreaking it was. I started telling her how strange it was that I have so many good memories, but the bad ones overshadows the good ones. Both my parents suffered here and that's all I can think of! And then more tears.

Then she asked, "Now tell me about your new place and what you look forward to."

She said my face lights up every time I speak about the new place. I start rattling on and on about my plans of fixing up my office and having a true workspace of my own! I started smiling over the thought of walking my dog around this park next-door and how there's so many people walking their own dogs there as well. I don't have to worry about my neighbors huge dogs running after my dog any longer. I began to tell her how excited I was that I no longer have to be scared in the winter because I'm right in the middle of everything, and we never have to plow! I told her how the neighbors are all friendly and most are home during the day. I even mentioned how convenient it was to have my church, grocery stores and doctors nearby---right on the same road! I couldn't stop talking about the new place.

She smiled and said, "Your face totally changed while talking about your new home."

After we closed on the home, I was expecting to move in within days. But that didn't happen. We had to wait and wait and wait. Between the new hardwood floors, painting, HVAC installations as well as new toilets and plumbing---I started to get depressed. It's as though I'm like, alright alright---rip the damn bandaid off now! I didn't realize how toxic it was for me to stay in this house. Working from home really doesn't benefit me in this house. It's all reminders of what was, and who suffered here. I stopped cooking as much, I stopped using some of the rooms in this house, leaving it to truly look abandoned. I'm done here. So I think this recent anxiety is just my cocoon preparing to open up for me so that I can fly out with new wings.

Thing is, I've lost touch with a lot of friends and acquaintances. I'm still cocooning right now and I'm not sure when it'll open---hopefully soon. I feel like I let a lot of people down by not being there for them, or not showing up at certain events and special occasions. Losing mom was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever experienced. I knew that since I was a baby actually. I knew that she would be my biggest heartbreak. I'm not sure how to recover over this loss, but finding this new home is definitely a start in the right direction. I can't stay here. I don't want to stay here. It's desolate, with echoes of the past. I want to move forward so badly that my heart flutters every single morning when I wake up.
So please bear with me. I may seem a little off, or say the wrong things at the wrong time, but my intentions are good. I feel displaced, lost, hurt, and very sad as I still grieve over my mom. However, I'm genuinely a happy person, especially when I have people around me. But when I'm home working in this empty house, the silence can be deafening. I lost a few friends along the way because I decided to place boundaries against people who try to undermine and belittle me with backhanded compliments or passive aggressiveness. I can't cope with the complications of what friendships can sometimes bring. I just want friends who don't have agendas or underlining anger that somehow rears its ugly head. And hey, while I'm not perfect, I know that the friends who are still by my side right now know what I'm going through and have decided to just. be. kind. I so appreciate that.

I'm fighting the urge to just crawl back into bed and just call it a day. But what good would that do? So I get up, pray, meditate, make some eggs and coffee and listen to soothing music as I work. Usually, the anxiety subsides and I'm able to go about my normal day. Hopefully soon, I'll be in a better place, physically and emotionally.  God is getting me through this and I refuse to give up!

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