Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Life's Inevitable Change
Carafate. It's basically cement made out of aluminum to protect your esophagus and stomach lining, as well as to heal ulcers. It also prevented my 4 mg of Ativan from working due to the lack of absorption. But it protected me when I wanted to down a few glasses of wine. I self-medicated and walked around like a zombie for quite some time. I went to anything that would soothe me, like food, alcohol and a ton of isolation. I didn't want anyone to pity me, or put them in an awkward situation of trying to console me. It wasn't their job, although their intentions were sincere. I pushed a lot of people away. Soon after, I became really sick and had to be hospitalized for pleurisy and pneumonia. This didn't go well since I already have asthma. I was sick for 3 full months and the cough lingered on for weeks afterwards. They had me on prednisone, albuterol nebulizers, inhalers, Advair and Singulair. Needless to say, with all my emotional eating, those medications make you blow up like a tick and it ain't easy shedding it off when it's a steroid-induced weight gain.
This is not written so you can pity me. I'm sharing with you how I self-destructed--how I crashed and burned before God started rebuilding me.
I was in denial for quite some time, because I wanted my mom to live forever! Who doesn't, right? But having the means to afford this place and even having a low mortgage was like winning the lotto! I could not believe that He placed me in an area where I have all the local stores next to me, while living in a beautiful complex in a quiet neighborhood. Even as I look back in my grief journals, I wrote about how I was scared that I was about to become homeless, or living in an undesirable and perhaps dangerous neighborhood. The other option was moving south, away from my family and friends. I was so scared. But God knew my concerns, He heard my petitions and I thank Him every single day of my life. I had to let go. He had something better in store.
I want to change for the better. I welcome this new change that's currently happening to me. With each change comes a whole new learning curve. Sometimes it throws you for a loop, and sometimes, it can just be a forever changing grace from God.
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