But I got transferred to a new prison: my mind.
It is.
Sometimes.
Like I said before, I've always dreamt of this life -- a life where I can make my own hours, do the groceries, clean and cook before my wife gets home and have a seemingly "normal" life. But there were things about this type of life I didn't consider: solitude, self-disclipline, a fully stocked liquor cabinet. You get my drift. It doesn't matter how many video conference calls I'm apart of or if I'm submerged in a long project -- it definitely gets lonely. I miss the chaos of a busy office, where employees would slack off in the midst of all that crazy busyness and chitchat about whatever. For the love of God -- I miss that goddamn water cooler. No amount of technology can replace the physical presence of someone -- that human connection -- face-to-face interaction. As we head into a world that needs less office space and more work-at-home employees due to a cost effective corporate world, some of us may suffer a great deal mentally. And at the same time, there are people incredibly depressed because they feel "stuck" in an office, sometimes not seeing a blink of daylight due to their long hours.
The grass is always greener.
Okay, let's take it a step further: relationships and marriages. There are people out there who are envious over their friends' relationships or marriages. Again with the "Oh it must be nice." But have you taken the time to peek inside their tiny keyholes to realize that all of those big smiling faces you see over on Facebook was one. huge. facade? And granted, while they may be the 'happier than a clam' type of families laughing and giggling after a long game of monopoly -- the majority of family life is pretty much routine, unless you've mastered life itself. In fact, life itself is pretty much routine for most of us.
But we're never happy.
We're constantly searching for that instant gratification type of happiness. The scary thing about instant gratification type of happiness is: it goes away. Then what's left? A pile of bullshit. Depression. Dread. "Whoa is me" dramatic scenes over a bottle of cheap wine. (Ok, that's my story.) But seriously, I've learned (not mastered) that the way to have a stable conscious mentality about the influxes -- the constant ups and downs of life is to have a constant joy.
How Deb! Tell me how!
(Dramatic enough?)
I can only tell you what works for me when I see myself snowballing into the pit of a depressive episode. Keep in mind that I suffer from anxiety and depression (mostly anxiety) -- so I am speaking from experience and not some idiot who thinks she knows it all. I don't. I'm still trying to figure it all out just like anybody else. But if my experiences and techniques can help someone else -- even just one person -- then my raw (and possibly embarrassing) honesty was worth dishing out on this public platform.
So hear me out if you wish -- my beliefs are strong.
I believe in God. There is a God. This life wasn't meant to spend all your time tiptoeing through the tulips with a glass of chardonnay 24/7 (although I fantasize about that a lot) -- it's meant to kick us in the ass. It's meant to see how strong we really are in this world, until it decides to spit us back out into the Universe, or as I call, "heaven" or "hell". Every single one of us has a cross to bear. And some crosses may look mighty easy to other people, when in fact if they were to take that desired cross, they'd be crying the blues begging God to return their old crosses back. And for those of you who don't know what "the cross" signifies -- it's basically your life -- your "issues" and it symbolizes the cross that Jesus had to carry. To share in Jesus' suffering. So overall: your personal suffering -- your "personal cross to bear".
Quick story to show my point...
A young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy of a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish." The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. And the Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."
I'm still sidetracking here, so bear with me.
You may look at me and say, "Humph, she's got it made staying at home doing freelance work and being married to an amazing woman." And yeah, I do feel pretty lucky if my mind is in a good place. But step inside my mind when I'm suffering a depressive episode. Feel the dread, the sadness, the self-deprecation monologue that goes through my mind from time to time. Come inside my bedroom as I'm suffering from an anxiety attack, breathing in and out of a paper bag because I'm hyperventilating. Come watch me get hauled out by an ambulance because I think I'm having a heart attack with my heart pumping out over 200 beats per minute. Come stay with me in the ER for over 8 hrs of testing to only find out that the results are not only perfect --in fact, they are better than the doctor's numbers. Watch me get frustrated when the doctor says, "Wow, your blood pressure, cholesterol and EKG look better than mine," and then give me this look that says, "It's all in your head."
It is all in my head.
But it is very real, just as depression is. Psychosomatic physical pain is real. It sounds mentally induced, which it is -- but it is a disorder of the proper functioning of our mental vs. physical pain.
Have you ever heard of the "broken heart syndrome?"
I experienced this three years ago when my dad passed away. It happened about six months into my grieving period (which is normal) -- and I started getting horrible chest pains, to where my heart definitely responded to what I was experiencing. I'll never forget one morning being in my kitchen and grabbing a glass of water. I sat on the stool next to the counter trying to just wake up. I started getting these these horrific chest pains that just blew me right off my stool. I was on the floor holding my chest with these jabbing pains that wouldn't let up. When the ambulance came, they gave me a little beta tablet of nitrate to place under my tongue in order to see if I was having a real heart attack. They took my vitals and everything was just wrong. The EMT guy looked at me and asked, "Is the pain going away?" And I was relieved that it was. "Yeah, it's gone." But not relieved when he yelled into his radio, "Not good! She responded to the nitrate! It's her heart!" I had to stay in the hospital for a few days. The EMT guy who helped me was the same guy who had to bring my father out of his house for the very last time.
"I was there. I was the guy who came to get your father. You watched me carry him away. You're having grieving pains. Trust me." he said, while rubbing my arm. So now I truly knew the meaning of what it means to have a broken heart. I even remember years ago while going through a horrible breakup, my chest hurt that radiated down into my arms. Sometimes, I'm afraid to love that hard ever again. At times, I try to distance myself from those I truly care about in fear that I'll die from sadness. Everyone survives though, right? I mean, everyone has gone through a breakup or a loss of a loved one. But how many people fully recover? How many people truly get over that one love that got away or that one person who meant the world to them who passed away? So it can happen to a familia type of love or an intimate kind. It can happen from separating in life or separating by death. Love knows no boundaries once it's taken away in whatever circumstance.
And ONTO my point:
It took me to get to the ripe age of 40 (okay, 41) to realize that life is going to throw us quite a few curve balls. Life is also going to hand us a great deal of joy too. But in the midst of all of the suffering and happiness -- we need to have a constant joy. I've learned that if we appreciate the present moment, or "the now" -- we can learn to adapt to whatever comes flying our way. It's to understand that the past and the future are all illusions. I know, they were real to you and for me, but the past is gone. It magically disappeared -- but our minds dredge it back up again. The past equals depression. The future equals anxiety. Everyone wants to know what their future holds because they have so much anxiety about it, or anxiously awaiting to hear the "good" news. You won't ever hear a psychic telling a bad fortune about someone's future because they'll risk their future business. Would you go back to a psychic who told you that you were gonna die in two years? No.
I discovered simple joys in life. I remember last year when I first read that book and walking out into zero degree weather in a beautiful winter wonderland with my dog. The sun hit my face and instantly warmed me up. There were crystalized prisms of rainbows within the snowy path we were walking on. The silence was beautiful -- enough to catch me off guard when a hawk came flying down so close, that we were able to see the full length of his wingspan. I think, perhaps it was the most beautiful moment I've ever seen. It may seem mundane or silly, but I took in that very moment and that moment, I will never forget. I also remember my father saying, "If I ever come back to visit you -- I'll come back as a hawk." So for me, it was a visitation from my dad. But you can have these unforgettable moments because you are consciously aware of "the now" and the present time. Mundane things become beautiful -- almost euphoric. Things like, the sound of coffee pouring, catching a beautiful sunrise, your dog staring at you lovingly -- and you think -- this is so beautiful! When you're immersed in your mind, in your head -- those little things disappear. You think about what you coulda' had and what you shoulda' had. You overthink your future and "what if" this doesn't happen or "what if" that happens? You fill your entire time up with anxiety-provoking thoughts. Your mind won the battle.
If your anxiety and/or depression comes from the judgments of other people, just remember that when people criticize you, it's mostly due to a psychological projection of how they see themselves. There's a saying that goes, "We hate in others of what we see in ourselves sometimes." So to rid of their guilt of whatever flaw they think they have, they'll pin it on you instead. (These are some cases.) Why would someone want to criticize you if they are happy with themselves? Wouldn't they want to edify and lift your spirits up? When I'm happy, I want everyone around me happy too. And sometimes, when I'm feeling like a miserable piece of crap -- sometimes misery loves company. Think about it. When people hurt one another, it's a huge sign that they are miserable themselves. Nothing "good" can come out of a person who only holds misery and dread. If they are not happy with themselves, they will not be happy for you. It's psychology 101. But there's a slippery slope with that -- you can have a "people pleaser" who will treat you like gold and "yes" you to death because they're so desperately trying to seek approval from anyone. That's different, yet it's still coming from a negative place of self-deprecation.
I'm not a psychologist, nor pretend to be one. I'm a patient who has a lot of experience in dealing with this type of stuff from the other side of the couch.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. --Romans 5:3-5
For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!