It's a gloomy Sunday afternoon and I'm stuck home because I decided to do a "cleanse" yesterday morning that should have lasted approximately 5-8 hours. Unfortunately, that's still not the case. You can slap a big "TMI" over this post, but it is what it is. Needless to say, I've been online a lot. I mean, more than I have ever been online -- between Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, whatever-gram -- it's been interesting. We put a lot out there, don't we? From our obsessions with independent films to our fixations on borderline racially motivated politics -- we kinda' get the gist of what makes our friends and acquaintances 'tick'. And you certainly get your share of reading about my twisted life and views, as well as an overabundance of Lola. And now, you get to learn about my clogged up pipes, which is why I'm writing on a Sunday afternoon. I shouldn't be sitting in my office right now. I was supposed to pick up a new faucet, an attachment to our oven range, and of course, a new toilet seat. I'm missing out on all the fun as Madelene treks off to Home Depot. The tree chopping 'n trimming will be put off until tomorrow. So there's that.
So anyway, I'm online and I found this incredible photo with a description about being human. I can't even imagine if they practiced this sort of thing here in the states. To take someone in the center of your city or town and say all the good things that they have done when they committed an immoral or inexcusable act is just too beautiful for even us to understand. I'll take it even a step further: when you think about your ex and how much they hurt you by cheating or lying or whatever offense was done -- now take them "in the center of the village" and start chanting about all the good things they have done. You know what's really interesting to me -- is that many people end up hating all the qualities and quirks that they fell in love with the person in the first place. It's no longer a "quality" but a "flaw" now. But think back. What good things can you say about a person (an ex or a former friend) after they have have hurt you so deeply? Are they rotten through and through, or is it your heart that seems to fog out all of the magnificent light because it was broken and shattered into pieces? Think back to 'why' you fell in love with him or her. Think about the way they made you feel, or a nice thing they did for you that you'll never forget. The view certainly gets distorted.
I saw a post by a friend on Facebook yesterday saying, "I miss him." Of course it was semi-subliminal, so only her close friends would kinda' gather who she was referring to. I just put a heart emoticon to acknowledge her pain. I truly believe we never stop loving someone in our past. We fell in love for a reason. Mind you, the "in love" part can fade, but that deep love for the person you fell in love with still remains. Memories and special events that were attended, gifts that were given, Saturday mornings under the covers, long kisses after a petty argument and and and
, forgiveness. Handwritten letters, poems, emails, photos, text messages, an old sweater...and now complete strangers. And sure, for good reason. For good reason...
There's a reason why so many older folks are still together after 50, 60 or more years. They never gave up on one another. They focused on the good, even when given the bad. They had a true sense of the word "forgiveness" and giving the person that they claimed they loved the benefit of the doubt. What happened?
We made more of an effort back in the day. Commitment, no matter what it entailed, showed a dedication and a genuine sense of loyalty. We're all flawed and each and every single one of us makes mistakes from time to time. We are human. We are flawed by design. A friend said to me a couple of weeks ago that we were not meant for monogamy. There is literature (somewhere) about it which proves to be true, to a degree. What is the true meaning of "loyalty"? It's defined as "a strong feeling of support or allegiance" and "faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations." But what if you were asked to be "loyal" to perfection? What kind of toll would that take on a human being to be "LOYAL" to "PERFECTION"? It's impossible. Yep -- I said it -- it. is. impossible. In fact, there are some people who are in relationships or marriages who view watching pornography or pornographic images as "cheating". Even "impure thoughts" -- fantasies -- those are all considered "cheating" to some. But what if...what if...
you can share all of those fantasies with your spouse? Is it immoral to share your fantasies and desires with the person you made the commitment with? And if you decide to be in a polyamorous relationship, is that seen as taboo? I personally can't do it. Between my OCD of germs and just keeping up with one person is quite enough for me. But I would never expect perfection from her, even though she's faithful as a ... umm ... my Lola.
When you think about all of your past loves, think about the way you feel at this very moment. (Ok, don't throw a shoe at the screen!) But think about what you feel right now. And although you would most likely never, ever get back together with them again (soooo Taylor Swift of me) -- you still "have them in your heart" as we always say. To "have someone in your heart" means to have some level of love for them still. I have personally been in four long-term relationships (minus the semi-dating-friends-with-benefits type of deals), I can honestly say that I still love them all. I love them in a way that doesn't make me text them at 2am -- I'm talking about a gratefulness in my heart that I got to experience the time and love that I once shared with them. I hold zero bitterness for anyone I shared my life with. That's gone. I talk about the good things -- like that photo above. I proverbially take them in the center of the "village" for two days and say all good things they have done. And I dated some pretty awesome people, so I have a lot to say. A lot.
Let your past make you better, not bitter. Forgive. Forget. Remember the good.
For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!