I Just Couldn't Do It...

What is it about human nature that makes some of us use projection as a way to defend our own insecurities? Remember back in grade school when the little kids would tease you, calling you names only to make themselves look better for the rest of the kids watching? Or, in some cases, the kids would make fun of you for the total opposite reason: they had a crush on you. It never made sense back then, but as we grew older, we started learning that we sometimes do the opposite of how we really feel. Even when a relationship has taken a turn for the worse, but the two people are still in love, they’ll remain bitter sometimes out of pure stubbornness. “Don’t call them! Let them wait!” We’re doing things opposing to how we really feel at times. “Play hard to get.”

What about homophobic people? For instance, let’s take a man who is very comfortable being a heterosexual male. Why would he care if someone was gay or not? Have you ever come across a man or a woman who was so obsessed with being antigay, that they’re entire life revolved around it? Where do you think that stems from? Why would they care so much? “We’re trying to help you.” Bullshit. You’re trying to defend what you truly are. I think much of it is all psychology 101. I remember trying to defend myself, since I’m a Christian and happen to be a lesbian. I had a Christian fundamentalist tell me I was going to hell and that I was mocking God by being a homosexual. After a couple of years battling it out with this zealot, it turns out she’s an “ex-lesbian” who got married to a Christian fundamentalist. Makes sense now, doesn’t it? She dedicates her entire writing career & life toward antigay & antiabortion protests. That must be such a fulfilling life to lead. I’ll leave her nameless for now.

There has to be a substantial amount of negative energy that attributes to ‘going against the grain’. Just think about all the gays and lesbians who haven’t come out of the closet yet. They literally have to lead a double life. I know I did before I came out, and at times I had to tell fabricated lies so that no one would know my big secret. Inside it killed me to be so secretive, and most of all, to have hidden my feelings for certain women I fell in love with. I remember behaving very opposite to how I felt in front of someone I liked. I was very cavalier -and I want to even say almost cold for that matter. I didn’t want anyone to know I was a “lesbo”, as most of my friends put it. They ‘ewwed’ and ‘yucked’ the thought of it...and so did I. I played the homophobic teenager, wishing the girl I liked saw right through my facade. She never did.

Times are different now and it’s not like how it was back then. People are more accepting and there isn’t a “loser” label put on kids’ foreheads if they’re out of the closet while still attending school. I, however, don’t regret for one minute staying in the closet until I was out of school. It was rough back then and the repercussions for being found out as gay or lesbian was brutal. I’m not saying that every single person is accepting - I’m just pointing out that it’s much easier today to come out of the closet in high school than it was for me twenty years ago. I remember my mom telling me it was going to be a much harder life if I “chose” this path, but I also remember thinking it would be a lot harder being married to a nice man, bearing his children and lying to my family about who I really am.

I just couldn’t do it...