Thursday, July 31, 2014

Unplug & Connect Again

This may or could be a part two of my previous post, but a bit more focused on our obsession with our smartphones. Even I have to sometimes catch myself and consciously turn my ringer off or tuck it away when I'm in the company of other people, especially in a restaurant. But it goes beyond just being rude in general. We're so focused on capturing that perfect rainbow or that amazing view of the mountainside or that incredible sunset right before nightfall, that our minds forget the actual moment. We cannot enjoy that moment, because we're too busy trying to capture it all onto our smartphones and then loading it up onto social media. I did an experiment and refrained from grabbing my iPhone because I saw a huge owl sitting peacefully up on a phone wire, on the road next to us. I could have gotten a great shot of it. It's my favorite bird in the world. Instead, I watched him jerk is head around and I looked at all of his beautiful colors, until he opened up his magnificent wings and flew away into the valley. I don't have to flip to the Instagram version of it because it's so incredibly vivid in my mind. The other day, I saw the most amazing black clouds moving in over the lake, giving it an eerie appearance. Mad said, "Take a picture!" I did. In my mind. Oh n' trust me, I'm not going to stop taking beautiful scenic pictures, but once in a while, I'm just going to sit and enjoy them like I did way before smartphones came out.

Can you imagine?
It even goes beyond smartphones. We have iPads and tablets we can cart around with us. My wife and I used to go to our favorite sushi bar every Friday night like clockwork. We sat with the same people and ate the same thing each time. It was always the same scene with the couple next to us: the husband engrossed in whatever he was doing on his iPad to which he neatly propped up against the divider of the sushi bar window. His wife either brought a girlfriend along to chat with or she would just remain silent for the remainder of her dinner. There was no conversation between them at all. I looked over from time to time, watching him flip through car sites and scroll down his Facebook feed. It's not uncommon to walk into a restaurant and see everyone's head bowed down texting or scrolling while in the company of friends and family. We've become so connected, that we're disconnected from the world right in front of us. Even when we were at the beach, people were on their phones - even with the bright sun gleaming down and a beautiful ocean in front of them - they were scrolling and scrolling and texting and texting.

Last week, I unplugged completely for one day. My wife and I were spending the day together. It was kind of funny, because I saw her struggle with the inability to maintain unplugged. All I said was, "Oh, we need eggs when we go to the farm market." She quickly grabbed her phone to put it on her digital list as well as trekked through a few sales that were brewing in our local supermarket.  I would call her "the proficient smartphone user". She's really not a frivolous texter nor does she go on social media - maybe once a month - if that. She's a huge researcher and loves her music. So when she uses her phone, she really enjoys her device. I have to say I never mind her using her phone in that way - but if she was just texting and constantly taking photos of her food (like I do sometimes), I would be a bit peeved.  On July 21rst, we brought flowers to my father's resting area and said a few words. I saw her take out her iPhone and start scrolling.

"What are you doing?"
"Trying to find a scripture I wanted to say in my eBible."
"My father just wants your presence. He'd rather you say, 'I miss you ya' big botchagaloop!' Put your phone down."

The 2nd picture is zoomed in. 
Mom stood there, asking my dad for a sign - a hawk as he promised. Not even 30 seconds later, I felt something poke me in my shoulder. We all turned around and the biggest hawk with the wingspan of a jetliner dipped down so close to us, screaming loudly - almost like, "heyyyy  heyyyy heyyyy" - and then flew back into the mountains. I have never, ever seen anything so beautiful before. And no, I didn't capture it on my iPhone. You won't see that on my Instagram. But my mother, my wife and myself will always have that memory in our minds and in our hearts. The only thing I captured was the site where he rests along with the flowers. And in the background of the photo, you can see his face almost. I guess it's like seeing Jesus on a piece of toast type of deal, but nonetheless, it comforted us.

So once in a while, unplug. Put your phones away. Enjoy the people you love to spend time with and always remember, that you will always remember those moments much more than you would if it were on Instagram. Also, the day I unplugged, I focused a lot on my music, played guitar and wrote handwritten songs. I actually became more creative and it also helped me with my writing, even though I didn't blog at all. I took time to read instead, which is the key to great writing. (Not that I'm great.) If I watch someone play guitar, I learn from their techniques and discover new and different ideas. Same way if I read a book or an article, I learn different ideas and ways to approach topics. You can't be a writer if you're not a reader. Same way as you can't be a musician without the love of listening to music.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Will Libraries & Bookstores Be Obsolete Like Blockbuster & Mom & Pop Movie Rental Stores?

When I was around 18 years old, I wrote a book. It was a fictional love story about two women who were just coming out of the closet. It was also in one of those black and white composition notebooks - handwritten. Can you even remember the last time you wrote something at great length with a pen and paper? It's kind of sad today and I know I'm totally guilty of it too, but we are all microblogging and shortening great stories into 140 characters or less.  We're posting our deepest thoughts and adventures onto Facebook with only photos and a few words. We're downloading ebooks and not holding a printed out paperback or hardcover book and reading it from front to back, getting lost in every single word. There's a movie for every book and it's quite rare to hear, "the book was better" these days because nobody reads anymore. And if they do, it's the electronic version - which is fine.

But hold up…

Technology has advanced, so to keep up, we advance too. God forbid you're in an airport or hospital and your iPhone runs out of juice. Everyone is slammed up against a wall plugged into an outlet trying to reach whoever or perhaps, scrolling down a social media feed. And just because someone doesn't pick up an old fashioned book certainly doesn't mean they are not educated or 'less than' - it means it's just a different world now. For me, I find myself reading a lot of news articles and informative journalism that I would have never indulged in if it were the newspaper version. I've gained more interest in politics and current events than ever before. With that, it encourages me to get proactive in things that are important to me. So for those who choose not to stick their noses into a physical old fashioned book - I bet they have more awareness about what's going on in their own communities and surroundings. The old fashioned books just cannot do that for you. We have stepped into a world that gives us the latest information at the tip of our fingers. We're no longer interested in sitting on a huge cushy oversized chair in a cafe just to read something…that cannot update. But I do miss grabbing a latte, flipping through the pages of a book that would let me forget about my own world. Double edged sword, I guess.

We need updates!

Everybody values different things to some degree more than others. Even when you go to the beach, it's not a book they're reading, but a flat electronic smartphone. In restaurants (which is a pet peeve of mine), people are texting constantly, especially if they are alone at the bar. We are glued to these phones - in fact, it's become more of an appendage. Think about it: never before, could you have FaceTimed your mom to show her what's going on in your new college. Never before could you text someone 'real time' and let them know you'll be running late. Never before could you check your email for that important message from your boss and never before, could you take photos and videos and send them to your best friend who lives across the world. I mean - if we knew back in 1980 that we would have this kind of technology, we would've chuck all of our digital calculator watches that had the Atomic Robot game right in the garbage bin. And if you can remember that, welcome to the 40 & older club.

Even blogging in itself has become fossilized due to the short attention spans that social media has programmed into our minds.  We want short, accurate information and with that, I have noticed a huge problem with many people: their grammar. With that being said, I know I make a typo here and there, or is it "their", or is it, "they're"? People have no clue how to spell or use the correct words. Just makes you wanna lose it. Not loose it. And to be more of a grammar nazi, I have also experienced the wonderful joys of autocorrect. So, with the help of autocorrect, you can now say some really off the charts stuff. Isn't that ducking great? Can't even curse with it. My point is, because of microblogging and the lack of truly reading a book from front to back and appreciating the written word - we have now caught ourselves in a world full of terrible grammar with little to nil attention spans.

Even when you watch the news, they have the anchorperson going on about one story, while you can dip down and watch the ticker display the stock market numbers, as well as periodic breaking news coverage and more business news that they're sharing on the side of the screen. Who can multitask like this when having their first cup of coffee in the morning? We're all trying to cram everything into our small little noggins, overloaded with information that sometimes isn't even needed.  Have we gone too far? Have we bypassed technology (in our minds) and craving more & more & more updates and more & more & more technology? And on an average, how many times do you check your Twitter, Facebook or other social networking site per day? Be honest. And how many books have you read (the real book) this year? I'm almost 100% positive that one day, all libraries and bookstores will close up just like Blockbuster did, because we have everything at the tip of our fingers. What do you think?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!

Friday, July 25, 2014

Seniors & Technology Go Together Like Oil & Water

So here's the deal. Uncle Tony (my mama's sister's husband) who is 80 sumptin' years of age, asks my mother for my phone number. She gives it to him, knowing that I may get 1,2.3, or perhaps, 453 calls in one day. Soon enough, I get a call and I see the name on it. I couldn't answer it because I was on a Skype conference call at the time. I thought, well he'll leave a message or something. But no. He kept calling and calling again and again. On the 5th try, he finally did leave a message for me. When I called him back, he wanted to know what kind of computer I gave my mom.

"It's a Macbook, Uncle Tony. You have to go to the Apple Store or Best Buy to purchase it."
"I only want it so dat' your aunt can call ya' mutha up - so they can see one anutha' on dat' ding dare'."
"You mean, Skype?"
"I don't know. Can't they see each other on video and talk at the same time?"
"Yes, but she doesn't need a Macbook. She can get a $50 refurbished computer at BJ's for what she needs it for."
"No! No! No! I want exactly what ya' mutha has! I want the same one so they'll be nooooo problems! Listen to me doe' -- how can I pick up da' computer and make a phone call?"
"Uncle Tony, call me when you have the computer. Maybe I'll swing down to Brooklyn and show you how to use it."

So, I didn't hear from him until a few days later. I received a voice mail message. So remember, I told him that Mom has a "Macbook", but he got it all wrong. He wants to know if he needs the computer that he bought with the book on the Mac. So he has the book, but not the Mac. God help me. Watch below. Click here if you're not able to view the video.



Now that my mother's getting pretty savvy with her computer and internet skills, she now giggles over what her sister and brother-in-law are struggling with. She no longer calls Google, "Goggles" and refrains from referring to Twitter as "Twatter" and "Tittles". It's no longer a "blacktop" but now, a laptop. She's come a long way. Now please pray for me once my uncle is finally up and running with his computer. He also did not realize that he had to call his cable company to hook him up with the internet itself.

"Doesn't it have the internet on it already?"
"No. The service is provided by your cable company."
"Why?"

I need more medication for this next call which will be recorded for entertainment purposes.

Have a great weekend!

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Have You Ever Come Across an Educated Person Using Ghetto Slang?

We learn from our environment, but we can also change it.
Every time I hear someone use a slang word for a particular race, religious person or someone from the LGBT community, I cringe - even if I find out later on that the word isn't so much a bad word. For instance, about 15 years ago, I remember my wife brought home a friend of hers for dinner. Now my wife and her friend are both Puerto Rican and share very similar things, like food, culture, family, etc. They're used to certain words being thrown around that I'm not familiar with, and of course some in Spanish. Now I admit, I can be sensitive to certain things. With that being said, while making dinner, her friend looked over at what I was cooking and said, "It must be a gringa thing." I shuffled into the office and typed into Google "gringa" and saw a slew of people commenting on how "gringa" was a derogatory term for a white person. I also saw some comments arguing, saying that it wasn't a bad term. So, I remained quiet, cooking and seething.

The next day when I went into the office, I had asked my cubical buddy, Alicia what "gringa" meant and if it was bad. She also happens to be Puerto Rican.

Her exact words:

"Ooooh mama, that's a bad word. Who said that to you?"

I instantly saw red. Just the fact that this woman had the nerve to stand in my home, stand in my kitchen, eating my food and telling me it was a "gringa thing" fired me up. And I was hearing this firsthand from someone else who shared the same culture. Madelene kept insisting that this was not a bad word and that Alicia was wrong. So, I chucked it up to "debatable" and then began to use it toward myself in front of some of her friends and family - like - "Ah, I'm just gringa, what do I know," whenever they would reference to something of their culture I wasn't familiar with. Some would shoot me a look like, "Oh no she di-int!" And others shot me a look, laughing at me, surprised that I even knew what gringa meant.

Still confused.

While waiting on line at the DMV, I was in the midst of a huge melting pot right before my eyes. You had 5 Hasidic men sitting on metal chairs talking loudly into their phones, a few black people rustling around trying to make their way towards the next agent, and a few hispanic girls who were chatting about 20 topics at the same time. It was like watching a bad talk show on meth. One of their friends came back from the station where she was talking to one of the pleasant DMV agents and started complaining about how she was mistreated. She was using 'gangsta signs' and throwing her arms up making her seem like she was holding a fake gun.

"Ju-know dat stupid blanquita ovah there trying' t' tell me dat my license was expired!?!? Pssshhhhhhh."

So, I hopped onto my phone to Google, "blanquita".

It states, "The root word is "blanco"/"blanca" which means white. and the -ita is used to show affection or it could also mean little. Most people think this is derogatory or mean, but in reality, it's not. it just depends on what way it's used.

So is this the same as the "N" word being OKAY to use - like if you're pumping fists with your friend and you call him your "N" - so that's OKAY? And I know that with "white privilege" and all that bullshit that it shouldn't bother me that someone said "blancita" or "gringa" - but why reference a particular race if it can possibly offend someone?  In my own personal opinion, whenever I hear someone using a slang word to describe someone, I instantly think it's just downright ghetto.

And to the single girls talking all this 'slang' in public:

"You can't be ghetto and talk like a sailor, and expect prince charming to walk into your life. It's either pimp or drug dealer. Choose wisely." - Author unknown

And get this - even "I'm" not even "allowed" to say "ghetto", because I never lived in the ghetto, so therefore, it's bad etiquette to even refer to it.

When I first started dating Madelene, I noticed how well spoken and educated she was. She came from the Bronx, but hardly held the accent that I expected. She didn't use slang or "ghetto terms" to show she was still apart of her environment. She was brave enough to break the mold of her surroundings. To be completely honest - I am not particularly attracted to hispanics due to my own experience of seeing how some of them acted back in school. Reminder: Mad and I met when I was just 19 years old, so I was just fresh out of high school. My experience with hispanics were good - but I didn't want to date someone who spoke offensive slang. It was a major turnoff.

Which brings me to conflict. While sitting outside my wife's office waiting for her to get out so I can drive her home one evening, a good friend of hers was just walking out. She was also Puerto Rican and also from the Bronx. Madelene was helping her with something. Anyway, she had opened my passenger side door, stood there and started talking to me (loudly) about how she was "banging" Madelene's customer. She was very animated, motioning her hips all while describing this to me. During her explicit performance, Madelene's manager walks past this horrific "ghetto" scene.

"You might want to tone that down." he suggested, as he passed her.

Not only does this look horrible in front of a prestigious company, but it made Madelene look bad too. I was more upset over the lack of respect she had for Madelene's place of work than I did about how she was jumping around like some idiot, pretending she had anything of a phallic nature to describe her rendezvous with a very well known customer. Now, this also looked bad on the customer too. Here's a woman in her late 40's acting like some 17 year old street thug who just got laid. All around: bad gig.

With all that being said, let me first say this: I realize that your environment, the people who you surround yourself with can pose a great influence on your behavior. I know that not everyone acts this way or conducts themselves like the above mentioned. I met Madelene - and I know that there is proof that there are some people out there who share the same culture, background and environment that do not act this way. But sadly, it's rare, or so I find. In my culture as an Italian American, we will always be a culture divided - a culture that will be always considered "white privileged" and have derogatory slang thrown at us just for being us. Madelene says, "Well you're not white, you're Mediterranean."

"No. I'm white."

And here is my worst pet peeve: white or hispanic people feeling comfortable blurting out the "N" word for black people as though they had the right to do it. I do not care if you're adding the "a" at the end of that word - it is still so very wrong on so many levels and it makes you look like a ghetto racist pig. What's even scarier is, I'm seeing many smart and educated young people using this term just to "fit in". And if you think by deleting a post on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram is going to help you discard everything you've ever posted, you're wrong. It's all in their databases. So, when you finally get to the top top top of your game and career, or if you ever dare dabble into politics, that will all come up to the surface. Whatever you post on the net stays there forever. Deleting posts does absolutely nothing, until one day you become famous or have a high profile career. If you break the mold like my wife did, others may follow. And I'm not saying to lose yourself, your culture or accent - I'm only referring to the offensive slang that comes with the territory sometimes.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Why I "Choose" Pro-Life

I received an email the other day from a reader who wanted to know my views on if I was pro-choice or  pro-life. I never wanted to dabble into this controversial debate, because I know people who have had abortions and also know people who have protested against it. And it's not that I'm afraid to speak my mind, but I have mixed feelings on it. I believe God gave us "choice" - and below, I have written my own personal stories to make you see why I am mostly pro-life. I don't judge anyone who is pro-choice or who has had an abortion, but it does make me sad sometimes, and for good reason. This is the very first time I am coming out with my story, our story…

A few months ago while leaving my doctor's office, I saw a bunch of people holding picket signs protesting in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic. Usually, religious zealots come out of their faces with this sort of topic and start bible thumping those who have had abortions. It's their version of "tough love" - to show people that killing unborn babies is wrong - to show people that God is judging them. But the thing they seem to forget about is: God gave people "choice". God gave people the ability to choose what they want to do with anything in life. So who are we to judge? Now, at the same time, I had an inner smile while looking at these folks - people who were standing up for the potential of a newborn baby who doesn't have a choice to make; only the mother does. I guess I have mixed feelings with these protesters because on one hand, yes I agree that no life should be terminated, but no I don't agree we should be the judge for those who choose to do this. Now, the gray area stands: is this considered "murder"?

Why am I pro-life?

My parents had 3 kids all close in age. After 7 long years and finally, almost a break to have their young life back again, the doctor approached my mother and told her, "Do you know you are pregnant?" I'm sure this was a pretty tough decision to make for the both of them. They just got through the toughest childhood years - why would they want to go backwards again? But they chose to give me a chance. They chose to let me live. The birth wasn't easy either. I was a breech baby. But let me just backtrack a little. There was a terrible snowstorm on February 3rd, 1974. My parents were both having dinner over at a family friend's house. Back then, if you had a drink or smoked a cigarette - it wasn't a big deal as it is today. Nobody really knew for sure if it would affect an unborn baby. So, she sipped on her martini not expecting me to arrive that particular night. While they were home trying to go to sleep, mom felt something strange: my foot. I was testing the waters so to speak, trying to get out and enjoy my new life.

Back in the day I was kinda' cute, huh?
"Charlie? I think it's time," she said, not telling him about the foot that was outside of her body. She didn't want my dad to panic.  They both flew up to the hospital in the snowstorm a little before midnight. The roads were messy so it took a little time, but my foot was making it's way out entirely. As they arrived at the hospital, they discovered that her doctor along with many others were on vacation. They had to substitute doctors that night. It should have been a c-section, but instead, they cut my mother in a way that would allow the doctors to go inside and twist me around so that my head would come out first. It was such a grueling birthing that one of the doctors passed out on the floor. Another had to take his place. Long story even longer - I was alive and well. We were not supposed to make it out alive the surgeon stated. "You two were not supposed to live."

And we did. It was a miracle. So, I thank my mom so much for having me, and for enduring all the pain she went through. She chose to have me and chose to keep me.

Back when I was 19 years old and very confused about who I was, who I wanted to date and what I wanted to do with my life in general - I found myself in quite the predicament myself. I had just broken it off with my boyfriend - a man - someone who was more like a best friend to me, because I knew in my heart I wasn't straight. So, I let him go. I was starting to date Madelene at the time. But the thing was, I didn't get my period for over 2 months. I thought it was probably due to stress since I went through a breakup. But still, I went to the store and picked up a pregnancy test.

Positive.

I went the next day to buy another.

Positive.

I went to the doctor to get a urine sample.

Positive.

I pictured my life growing up way too fast. I panicked. So at work, during lunch, I sat down with my ex-boyfriend to tell him, thinking he was going to freak out and say, "You're going to abort it, right?" But instead, he said, "I'll take care of the both of you! We can get married and raise the child together! This is wonderful!" He held both my hands across the table, but that wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to start a life with him just because we had a child together. I wanted to raise the child on my own to the best of my ability. I promised him that he would be able to see the baby any given time.

Then, I told Madelene. I was sure she was going to put her hands up and say, "Whoa - yeah - I can't do that." Instead, she said, "Really? Really?" With a huge smile wrapped around her face. "Do you still want me in your life? Because I can help you raise the baby and we can both be terrific parents." My jaw dropped to the floor thinking - "Who is this woman?" She was willing to take on the role of a mother at such an early age, just to be with me and have a family. I was so touched by this.

About 2 months in, I hemorrhaged in my bathroom not knowing why I was bleeding so much. I had a miscarriage that sent me to the hospital. I didn't tell a soul about it - in fact, nobody knew I was pregnant because I wanted to tell everyone around the 3rd or 4th month. At 19 years old, I don't think I ever cried so hard as I did that day, knowing for sure what had just occurred. I always envisioned taking care of my baby and giving him or her a wonderful life. I didn't care if I got yelled at for being pregnant or whatever 'consequences' may lie ahead - I wanted this baby more than…life. And it almost took my life because I had nothing else to live for. The only people who know about this story is my mother and my wife.

So why am I pro-life? I guess the above stories are all the reasons I need. Madelene and I were planning to have kids through me, but I guess due to the fear of losing another child would just crush me into pieces. So when I see other people having abortions, as though it wasn't a big deal, I think about the day I lost mine, which almost cost me my life. There are so many people willing to adopt your child if someone didn't want their baby. My reasons of being pro-life are very personal. And yet, I do believe that God gave us "choice" - so I don't judge anyone, but I may feel a little sadness when I hear about someone else deciding to delete a precious life.  And precious it is…

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Infidelity on Social Media

A few weeks ago, we were sitting at the bar having a late lunch watching the soccer game. It was a beautiful day out so the bar was pretty much empty, except for this one guy sitting with his girlfriend or wife (or whoever) across the way drinking pints of draft beer. Although they were in their late forties or early fifties, they looked like a new couple - you could just tell. They saw Madelene and I watching the game as well and we all started talking about it. As soon as the woman left to go use the restroom, he had stated that she was not his wife and that his wife was home. This was a girl he had met online and has been dating her for several months. Whatever. I didn't need to know all the details, but he felt the need to get it all out on the table. I felt that instant 'creep' vibe. I focused more on my wife after his awkward confession. Anyway, they both asked if we could take a photo of them with their phones. Sure, why not, right? Then I see them tinkering around after their photo op and posting it onto Facebook.

I couldn't help it.

"That oughta' be interesting."
"Excuse me?" he said, baffled at my snarky comment.
"Well, from what you told me while she was in the restroom, shouldn't you refrain from posting that up onto social media?"
"Oh, no. My wife doesn't have Facebook."
"So I guess it's okay to be openly slimy then and make your wife look like a complete fool. I mean - I'm sure you both have mutual friends on your account, right? But, I guess it's none of my business anyway."

But he made it my business by telling me. He rubbed his forehead and turned towards his mistress for comfort. She didn't look too comforting that he had told the lesbian couple at the end of the bar. In fact, they started bickering.

(You're welcome.) 

The woman started staring at me, almost in fear, like she wanted to run out of there in shame. But I didn't do it to shame her or him - I was just disturbed that he would literally mock his wife on social media by posting some 'cozy' photo of him and his mistress. And if you are having an affair, why in the world would you tell complete strangers at the bar?  Why would you post photos of yourself and your lover onto Facebook or Twitter or any other forms of social media?

One of our girlfriends is doing the same thing. She and her partner of ten years are not doing so well. But the one girl is out openly cheating on her and doing the same social media bullshit. And no, her girlfriend at home is not internet savvy, but I will tell you what happens when you start posting "cheat pics": your friends, family and anyone else who sees these photos will talk. Not only will they talk, they also lose any respect they had for you. If she wanted to be with somebody else, then give the respect to either separate or breakup or even have a heart-to-heart with you partner about what's going on. Own it. Or someone else will own the story for you and let your significant other know what's brewing. What makes me laugh is when someone actually asks them, "Hey, who was that girl you were kissing on Facebook," - they blow up as if that person did something wrong. If you decide to be publicly slimy, face the music.

People on Facebook can be evil. It's used in various evil ways in order to draw attention or 'get someone back' and of course, make subliminal status messages hoping that the target has read your encrypted message. Twitter's no better. In fact, some scumbag from Rhode Island started tweeting me and then of course, that led him to feel the need to DM me. (Which is a private message.) He asked if I was married. I explained yes, and with a woman. He said, "Oh that's okay, I flirt with anyone even though I'm married." I should have just blocked him then, but then, the next message was a dick pic. What are these people thinking? I asked if he was in politics. At least have enough money to back up that small package of yours.

No relationship is perfect. Even in mine, we argue, we banter about this n' that - but in the end, we realize why we're together and most importantly, come to a common ground before she bites my ear off. She understands my madness and I understand her frustrations as well. And when your relationship comes to the point where it's nothing but fighting and conflict day in and day out - remember what brought you two together in the first place. Picture your life without that person. Think about the consequences and how you'll feel when you're on the lawn that seemingly looked greener. And hey - let's face it - it may definitely be greener, but it's the way you left the previous property that counts.

Years and years ago, I was mixed up in a pickle myself. I was having problems with my relationship and we both agreed to separate. The person I started dating had left her relationship as well. So whenever we got into an argument in this "new relationship" - I always brought up, "Maybe it's true, however you meet someone determines how you will end it with them." Just like, "Meet em' at a bar & it ends in a bar." And of course, she eventually cheated on me like she did when we first met. There are serial monogamists - and that's okay. But what does it say about someone when they will only leave their husband or wife behind once the affair has bloomed fully - when they feel 100% secure enough to actually admit to the affair? It's like always having someone waiting in the wings, 'just in case'.

So my whole point is this: if you're reading this and you're openly cheating on your spouse on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or Telegram, errr - then just know that you are being mocked by all your friends, your family, and any "acquaintance" on your friends list.  Not only have I heard quite a few things about some of my closest friends who are doing this, but it leaves the person you're cheating on left in the dark looking like a complete fool. Our girlfriend asked us, "Oh would you mind if I brought Shelly with us tonight?" And Shelly (being the mistress) - and Madelene and I being the mutual friend of the wife that's left home watching reruns of Modern Family - "YES I would mind." That's something I want no part of. To me, if I were to have said "yes" to her new girlfriend, that would mean I was also mocking our friend who has no clue where her other half was. I just think that's sad.

What would you do if your friend asked if he or she could bring their side dish along? Keep in mind - your friends with their other half at home. Would you be okay with that?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!

Friday, July 11, 2014

Should Transgender People Educate Society?

The other day, a dear friend of mine named, Marlo Bernier had posted something very interesting on her Facebook page. It was an article called, "Transgender People Are Not Responsible for Educating You," written by Parker Marie Molloy.  I have to say I loved reading this piece. It was well written and she made some great points. However, part of me has another opinion on it since society is either too lazy or too prejudice to get informed on certain issues. Part of it goes onto say, "Writers, activists, and professional educators like myself have chosen to use our time to instruct individuals on these matters; but it really, truly needs to be stressed that it is not any individual trans person's responsibility to educate others. For most, being transgender is only one facet of their existence. They can be teachers, lawyers, doctors, or accountants, and they should not feel obligated to take on the role of educator in addition to these already time-consuming careers. And for many, having to repeat educational information is emotionally draining or serves as a painful reminder of negative experiences they had while coming to terms with their identity."

I'm in total agreement with this, however in a perfect world, we'd all learn about everyone's gender identities, sexual orientations, races, religions and so on and so on. But sadly, for the bulk of society - people seem to "keep within their own circle" - "keep within their own kind" and they are more comfortable in doing so. They are unexposed and unaware of any sort of etiquette when it comes to the LGBT community.

She continues… "Think of it this way: I may not have ever had a professional baseball player sit me down and explain the rules and the history of the game, but I've still managed to learn the difference between a 'ball' and a 'strike.' How did I accomplish this? By consulting the glut of information readily available on the subject online and in print. Interrupting people while they are playing the game to ask basic questions is rude, and moreover, would not be viewed as something players should take the time to address. If I want to call myself a baseball fan, the onus is on me to get up to speed. The resources exist, and if I persist in not understanding baseball, it's willful ignorance on my part. So how is the learning about or becoming an ally of transgender people any different?"

Here's the keyword: "fan". Not everyone is going to agree or become a "fan" if you are transgender or even gay or lesbian. So this baseball analogy doesn't make sense to me, unless people are truly fascinated and genuinely interested in getting to know someone who is transgender. There are people out there who ask questions to the LGBT community as if we were some side show circus. We're people. We're not trying to "outcast" ourselves anymore than we already are. I understand what she's trying to say, but I guess it's too far fetched in left field somewhere.

Some of the content talks about people inquiring about gender reassignment and such - which by any means in rude in itself. You wouldn't ask anyone about their genitals, would you? So she writes, "The genital inquisition is just one of the reasons we need to stop allowing people to use 'I'm just trying to be educated' and 'How will I learn if you won't teach me?' as cover for prurient curiosity. If you are serious about your trans education, get online or open a book. What's the difference between a gender-fluid individual and a bi-gender individual? What does 'dysphoria' mean? Why do some trans individuals get reconstructive genital surgeries while others don't? What does 'cisgender' mean? All of these questions can be answered in a matter of seconds. If you truly want to be an ally to trans people, you’ve got to start by doing your homework."

Here's the sad truth: nobody is going to Google or look through books on "cisgender" and how important it is to use the correct pronoun to someone who has just transitioned - "male" and "female". Nobody's going to do their homework, because it's not their homework to do in the first place. When I first came out of the closet at the age of 19, my friends including those who were unfamiliar with my lifestyle asked me a ton of questions. Anything from, "who plays the man and who plays the woman" to "how do you -- umm, you know?" And I accept full responsibility to educate them on how my life was - which may be different to someone else who was also gay like me. I didn't tell them to Google it or "buy a book on it" - I was happy to answer questions to someone who was curious about my life, whether genuine or not. I was flattered. (Sometimes.) Face it, most people are ill informed about the LGBT community and all that's involved. But the truth is - not everyone goes by the same rules. Everyone has their individual set standards, labels, truths, etc. The world isn't as open-minded as we'd like, so with that in mind, I don't think it would hurt to answer some awkward and uncomfortable questions. I think by doing so, you're opening the window of enlightenment - a chance to let someone into your world.

This afternoon, I had to go to my tailor to get a pair of pants hemmed. She was new in the area and opened up a small shop down the road from me. She was extremely friendly and accommodating. She said she was from the San Francisco area and was trying to get accustomed to the "New Yawk attitude". She has seen a lot of high-strung tough customers, which she's not used to. She asked how I knew of her new business and I said, "My wife gave me your card." She stared at me for a few seconds and it hit her - "Ohhhh, okay."  Oddly enough, she started telling me a story that happened to her just the other day. And please let me try to write this word-for-word of how she explained this botched up mess of an event.

You tell me what's wrong with this story.

Even natally born females wear obnoxious makeup.
"So like, yeah - I'm totally cool with that because you know, I'm from San Francisco n' all and very open-minded about that. I would never turn down your business. In fact, a transgender man walked in here and he had this bright, obnoxious red lipstick on and a huge wig - I mean, you could totally tell. So, being that I'm a fashionista, (GASP!!! And YES she really did say this!) I kindly explained that he should tone it down if he didn't want to get anymore stares that he was already complaining to me about. And then, my customers who were behind him left because she said she didn't want her child to see stuff like that." 

There's so much wrong with the above paragraph that I just want to proverbially crumble it up and throw it in the trash. First of all, she cannot turn down my business just because I have a wife. I reminded her of the "freedom of religion" bill that was trying to get passed in Arizona. She had no clue about it. Secondly, that's not a transgender man you moron! That's a woman. And if you're from "San Francisco" and soooo "open-minded" then why are you so goddamn clueless? But I can't say that to her. She isn't educated on any of the LGBT communities and lifestyles. So here's my point: even if people live in the most openly gay and transgendered area, they still will be ignorant to the truth. They still will not know about what's what and who's who. They still will not educate themselves on their own community. So what's wrong with a little enlightenment? I have to say that I am extremely grateful for my transgendered friends for teaching me everything I know and everything about their own set individual lives. I had a hard time in the past learning about sexual orientation vs. gender identity. Just because someone is a transgender woman, does not mean she wants to be with a man…or a woman. She could be straight or gay. I'm sure someone out there reading that last line is totally confused. So to all my transgender friends, please don't take offense if someone asks you an inappropriate 'typical' question - let them learn firsthand, the right way, instead of my valley girl tailor teaching them all about it.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!