Such Complete Unnecessary Drama - Pass the Popcorn!

This morning I was laughing thinking how similar I was to some guy who shooed away his girlfriend from kissing him at a baseball game while the kiss cam was on them. He was on his cell phone and kiss blocked her. She raised her arms up, pointed at the kiss cam and he still didn't do anything. She then got up and poured a big gulp size soda over his head. I quickly looked in Mad's direction and said, "Would you do that to me?" And immediately, she knew who would be who in that scenario. "You'd be soaked if you rejected a kiss from me!" she said as she sipped her piping hot coffee. I didn't want to mess with her at that point. It's not that I'm not affectionate, it's just that I hate public displays of affection -- for straight or gay people. It's so unwanted by the public - it really is. I mean, granted, the kiss cam is cute, so I would totally make an exception. But would the kiss cam even swing our way? Would they even point it in our direction? Who would even guess that we're a couple? So, the odds are against that happening to us...thank God. From time to time I see the "possessiveness" in certain couples while we're out and about. Perhaps a guy has his huge arm wrapped around his tiny little girlfriend, giving off that, "SHE'S MINE" signal. And don't get me wrong, sometimes you just feel all 'lovey dovey', but in most cases, it's to ward off unwanted stares directed toward your other half. That's just my opinion and I'm sticking with it. Especially in front of friends -- why? Think about it - if there is someone that you may think is a potential threat or perhaps, just interested in your other half, I'll bet you anything you're gonna try holding your partner's hand or at least, sitting closer to them. Eh, it's human nature I guess. And sometimes it's like, "Here, take em' - they're all yours." (Not for me of course. I mean, yeh.)

Which brings me to my next topic: FDA (Facebook Display of Affection). I mean, it should be "FDA" regulated so no one gets sick, but people do it all the time. People do it for the same reason: "THIS PERSON IS MINE!" And you can totally tell when someone is possessive over their partner or spouse by the way they post on their wall and...the way they post on their other half's wall, or on behalf of them. A good friend of mine found a girlfriend who he really fell in love with. She seemed nice, very attractive, but something was a bit 'off', but I couldn't put my finger on it. All of the sudden, his Facebook account was swamped with, "Oh baby I love you so much you're my soul mate," yada yada yada, and so it goes. I'm sorry, but when couples do this, most people think, "Why?" And although I'm guilty of posting a few lovey-dovey notes to my wife, usually during an anniversary or birthday --- beyond that, it's just 'knowingly' annoying to our friends. I totally realize that. As the red flags kept waving in the breeze, I noticed something else: she would comment on every single comment his friends would post, especially if it was an 'unknown' past female friend. Say he put a photo up of himself, and some old female friend from the past said, "Looking good, John!" -- The girlfriend would be right on her ass and reply with, "Yes he does and he's all mine ladies!"  Clearly, this other female commenter had no interest in John - she was just complimenting an old friend, as her profile picture shows her along with her husband and three kids. I mean, really? But it didn't stop there. That's when I stopped commenting on anything at all, in fear of the jealous girlfriend watching his account like a hawk. She probably has his password to boot. I wonder if he's even on Facebook.

If you ask me, I think Facebook is the devil when it comes to relationships. I have seen old flames get back together, show their Facebook Display of Affection, and then, when they break up, and you're still friends with the both of them. You also see ALL. And what I mean is -- each one is publicly posting stupid quote photos to indirectly jab at their former lover. It's like Myspace all over again. Grow up. I also see them posting way too many photos of their "new loves" and posting up statuses that imply they are SO much happier now. If you really loved someone and you two broke it off, have some respect and keep it on the down low. But, in some cases where it was a vicious breakup and one of those 'battles till the end' --- this is the type of stuff that happens. And remember, we're all here to grab the popcorn and view it, because that's what good friends do....right? The worst part about this is, most of the people doing this have kids who are on their Facebook accounts! This is what really gets me. Your own kids are watching you post idiotic shit up for your ex to see. You're on the SAME level as your 13 year old. They have no clue. I once heard a kid who was 16 years old telling his friends, "Dude, you gotta see what my mom posts up. She acts like a heartbroken teenager on Facebook, it's so fucking embarrassing." This isn't the first I've heard of kids being completely humiliated by their parents' behavior on social networking sites. Now stop airing out your dirty laundry and be an adult, like me, who only posts a million photos of her Chihuahua and martinis. Yeah, I got my shit together. (I need help.)

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Fuggedaboutit'!

Have you ever had an argument with your other half and it just carries on and on, into a path of that dreaded awkward silence? After having a little spat with the wife, I sat at my desk with my coffee, staring out at the rain and began to think about my past and how unstable it used to be. I used to have that with my ex-girlfriends. The arguments seemed to have lasted forever. Between stubbornness, pride, ego - whatever the reason - it just wouldn't let up. And it's especially challenging when both people have huge egos to boot. But the one thing I most admire about my wife is that she has a short memory. I don't mean that in a bad way either. (She's probably plotting my murder after that sentence.) I mean, when we have a heated argument and things are just crazy, an hour later, she'll be like, "Honey, wanna go to the store with me?" --As if nothing took place. It's not that she "forgot" about it -- it's more about forgiveness. I admit, sometimes I get all grumpy and make it last just a teeny bit longer, but the fact remains, the argument shifts. We do finish the argument in a more constructive way after the fiasco, but the most important thing is: our battle has ended. Time to move on and eventually, everything is forgotten about. I truly believe that's how our relationship lasted this long. Meanwhile, we just have to remember to pull our poor shaking Chihuahua out from underneath my office desk. How she trembles even if there's the slightest tension in the air. She totally knows. And it's not like we have these huge blasts of arguments where things are flying or we're throwing elbows around -- just a good ol' 'hash it out' type of spat. I'd be concerned if people in relationships didn't have any arguments at all. It's an outlet - a way to get things out in the open and with love, patience, understanding (and a whole lotta' luck), it'll end up a constructive conversation afterward.

Forgiveness. Such an easy word to toss around. The question is: can you do it? I learned a lot from my Mom. She always tells me to "turn the other cheek" - and of course, at the time, I'm like, "No! How can I?" But when I do, life is so much easier. No more grudges and resentments. It's not only forgiven, it's also forgotten (in most cases). I have issues with forgetting sometimes, and I think that's pretty normal. When I was younger and Mom and Dad would sometimes have these heated arguments during dinner. I remember hearing loud voices, maybe Dad's fist hitting the table and then silence for about a couple of hours, or at least until they went to bed. The next day it was back to normal. They never held grudges or kept that argument blazing. And like myself, my Mom forgives quickly, goes on about her life. I think it's the only way to survive in a relationship or marriage. They were both each other's best friend, the way I view my marriage. The foundation of friendship always keeps the relationship strong and steady, no matter what kind of storm rolls in. When I was in past relationships with my exes, they were never based on the foundation of friendship. It was headfirst into a love affair type of relationship, where it was fiery and unstable. There was never a calmness to it - always either fighting or making up, or fighting just to make up. It was extremely unhealthy. I'm just happy that I have come to the point in my life where the occasional heated argument doesn't mean divorce papers. It just means you need to talk. Communicate. Forgive. And fuggedaboutit'! 

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Do Opposites Attract?

Life is strange. Relationships are strange. We're strange in our own little ways. Bundled together and shared together, it becomes a 'thought to be' predictable venture, sometimes ending up to find out you were strangers all along, whether together for a year or for twenty. Change is good. Evolving from "one person" to "this person" is okay. When it involves someone else who is changing in a different direction, it might sever the ties that bind that particular relationship. Some people never leave a relationship that has taken two different paths because well, "they've invested so much into it" or "they have a history together". When it involves kids, it becomes more about being selfless or selfish. Whose happiness are you sacrificing besides your own? But, we all want to be happy. We all want that "perfect relationship" and I'm here to say there is no such animal. You either have to accept the imperfections to make it "perfect" or you have to decide whether or not to stay or leave. Ending a relationship or marriage that went beyond ten years, a house, some pets and maybe a kid or five means adapting to a whole new lifestyle - a whole new "life" in itself. It means moving out of your home, or having the people you love move out of your home --- whichever the case, the life is completely thrown up into the air with a bunch of uncertainties...and that scares us. So we stay. We try. We tolerate what we cannot stand. We grumble. We bitch and moan. We...are miserable.

The younger generation seems to think that you need the spark even after 5 or 10 years. In my opinion, this is why there are so many divorces. People give up so quickly once that fiery passion fades. I do believe that "passion" turns into a more loving experience in terms of intimacy, a "connection". And I dare the next person who says they still have butterflies in their tummy with their longtime spouse by taking a polygraph test. Sure, I believe there's love, but it's not like when they first met, or even the first year of dating. It's just different. Also, it's not a bad thing. There are stages of love.

1. The courting stage (with the passion and butterflies we all want to keep forever)
2. The planning stage (nesting and setting up for the future)
3. The contentment stage (where you are comfortable, relaxed and have a newfound love - a "family" type of love for your partner) 

What happens when you're at stage 2 or 3 and your partner wants to trek it back to stage 1 again? Or, your partner or spouse goes through some midlife crisis, where he or she wants to live in a bar or go clubbing - a more "unsettled" life, as it was in stage 1, but for you, it's not so exciting anymore. Maybe an argument over that new convertible Porsche sitting in the garage or perhaps a night out with the boys becomes more of a daily happy hour venture that runs into all hours of the night. And of course, what if someone slips and has an affair because they found a "stage 1" type of feeling? The "stand by your man" statement was made in what --- the 1930's? Well, Hillary Clinton did it, but then again, maybe it was just to save her political career. I'm sure many women would have backed up her decision to divorce the feisty hubby in the oval office, but I think "traditional values" are more sought after when you're in such a high position. But what about for us little guys? We'd be shunned by our friends and family if we stayed with someone who cheated on us --- even once. I do believe in forgiveness and slip ups, but let's face it, a tiger never changes their stripes.

Commonality. It's rare to find. I am not a believer in "opposites attract" -- and I mean that in the sense of polar opposites. I also think you can't date your clone either. (At least for me, for good reason.) Now what I'm about to say needs to be taken with a grain of salt and an opened mind. A little more than 50 years ago, interracial couples weren't allowed to get married legally. It was also seen as a "sin" within society - or looked down upon for reasons of either 'not knowing their roots to the fullest extent' or just not adapting the culture whatsoever. People have overcome that and progressed so much throughout time. We've come together more, shared more, accepted more. But what happens when you date someone after a period of time and start to realize that you are still not adapting to their culture, to the ways that their family celebrates certain holidays or even, how they still feel tense around you due to your lack of knowledge of their race? You can't use the same terminology around them or perhaps you feel awkward talking at all, feeling judged and ridiculed over every word that goes against their accent or slang and lack thereof. On the up side, you have to be one helluva' confident person to keep plugging along in that relationship with all the challenges of the opposing cultures. It takes strength and determination to learn and share with people who maybe have no clue about your own heritage. They don't have to make an effort if they don't want to - it's all up to you to put your best foot forward, and sometimes that just isn't enough. If you're not "in" with their family, then half your partner's heart is elsewhere. If you don't combine your union with the extended family, it will be an eternal conflict, well at least until the relationship or marriage is over.

What's the glue that keeps your relationship or marriage together? Or, why do you think your relationship or marriage fell apart too soon?

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Silence

So I thought to myself, "Wow, I'm not even hungry," and it was nearing 8pm. I poured my second martini on a somewhat empty stomach and nothing was temping my palate at the moment. With my corny background music blaring Amy Winehouse's "The Girl From Ipanema", I was feeling a bit fuzzy - a bit "silent" in my mind. I had no thoughts, no words rushing through my head or the many questions I pose to the poor man up above who has to hear every single complaint that I toss into his box. I trekked onto my Facebook account and saw a "message from God" -- one of those little apps that make you feel like, "Oh wow! God sent me an email!" Well, not really. Of course it gives you an option to become an instant pastor and that you can always donate to them, if you're generous enough. It said that my life was full of my own "chatter" and to be still and listen to my spirit and the spirit that speaks to me. It told me to shut up basically. Surely you can't mean my blog, I mean, that's what I do, I write, I talk, I, I, I, say too much...maybe?  And since writing is what I do for a living, I'm noticing that I'm not writing for "me" -- I mean, in the passionate sense when one becomes a real writer - someone who has heart and soul into their unpaid work. But now, it's a job. And I was afraid that this would happen. Sometimes, I'll just plop a post onto my blog so that it's mirrored onto websites that pay me for my thoughts and frivolous ramblings. Thankfully, there's a second gig that fulfills the gap in my bank account (not so much). So I write. I talk. I speak. I've even gained a unique following mostly from Vietnam. Don't ask. I'm grateful, but a bit puzzled. Emails from suicidal teens sometimes appear in my inbox or the occasional closeted housewife who has ten kids wants to know if "becoming a lesbian" would be a bad thing. Strange stuff.

But I digress.

Silence.

In every sense of the word, "silence" - that's been resonating within me ever since I found out Dad was given a six months to live. My wife and I are believers, so we would say, "Well that's what the doctor says, but God has different plans. Only He knows." Sadly, the doctors were spot on - exactly six months Dad went to heaven. I used to think, "What would our world be like without Dad?" And now I know -- it's very silent. Not only was he loud (and sometimes obnoxious in a funny way), but his presence  - his enthusiasm for life - even if it meant just sitting outside BBQing - he was excited about everything. At huge functions, his voice would stand out from the rest. You definitely would know Dad was around. Wherever he was, you felt safe. Even when he was sick and intoxicated beyond belief from all the oxycontin they kept him on, he still managed to mutter out, "Ya need help? Want me to do dat' for ya?" He couldn't even if he tried, but his spirit was willing. This is what made me think he'd last longer than six months, at least a few more years. But the silence keeps growing. No more wheezy laughter howling from the other room or his heavy equipment outside rumbling the earth with their loud engines. It's strange. With that being said, I'm finding my passion for life has taken somewhat of a break. I know it's normal to grieve and take some time off to 'get it together', but my passion for the things I used to do has somewhat fizzled out. You can call it depression or the blues, but I call it the missing link syndrome. I guess it's pretty much normal and things are getting better, but there are times when it's too silent around here.

There are a lot of "big character people" in my family - those you would totally notice if they were out of your life. That's what makes it even more terrifying. So, I pour another drink to calm my racing thoughts, perhaps to even completely silence them. It works for the meantime. And although I keep the "moderation" tightly secure, I do notice that it's been on a daily basis ever since the big guy booked it into heaven. The one thing I never dabble into is my summer evening smokes. Yes, I am a reformed smoker - quit over 15 yrs ago, however once in a blue moon, I'll have a smoke on a nice summer night by the fire pit or just hanging out having a few cocktails. Once I saw what smoking did to my father, I haven't lit one up in over two years. I tried therapy and grief counseling and all of them made me feel worse for some reason. (That's just me.) I even tried antidepressants and that made me feel not only loopy, but absolutely out of my mind psychotic. The pharmaceutical companies love it when your mind tells you, "Hey, it's working, be happy" when all it's doing is making you tolerate horrible side effects for a mere buck or two, and for us, an arm and a leg. "Oh wait two weeks and you'll feel better."  Bullshit.

The best thing I ever did (as you know by now) was get a dog. She's a great sentinel, can hear a moth from miles away (which can also be annoying at 3am), but the love this dog gives is just amazing. She fills the silence most of the time. Sadly, even when I pray, there is way too much silence. I used to hear God all the time, or was that my mind...or was that just a hint for me to be silent and listen to Him? Another little reminder to "shut up" again. My outlets range from writing music, playing guitar, photography and of course, writing. But I need more - something different that'll at least hold my attention for more than five minutes at a time. Even cooking has been a task for me. My cooking blog has suffered long enough, but the other day I managed to make a huge "Thanksgiving-like" dinner for Madelene. I don't know what got into me but I was cooking up a storm. It used to be another passion of mine that is slowly fading with time. Now it's like, "What about Chinese takeout or maybe just throw a few hamburgers on the grill" type of thing. Things are becoming simpler, quieter, more introspective. I used to love holding big parties at my place, but after having the last few, I found out it was much harder than expected - it terms of I just didn't feel up to catering to people - although I did it anyway. It mentally exhausted me. I didn't even get to sit and chat with the people who came. I just served and ran around like a chicken without a head. It's not that I don't love catering for people, it's just that I need a much needed break. My break comes this June. I'll be leaving for over a week to the Hamptons to unwind, relax, and watch the ocean as I sip on my self-medicated potions. So please bear with me if my posts are minimal, more low-key and a bit raw. I'll be back to myself in no time. For now, I just have to fill the silence.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want, but not what you need 
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 
And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone, but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? ~Coldplay

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"I'm Fine"

A friend of mine tweeted something really significant - something that stood out and made me think about my own situation. She wrote, "I wonder if self-help authors are as happy as they tell us we should be." If you think about it, self-help authors are the ones who have either been through or perhaps even still going through trouble in order to help those who are struggling. For instance, (and I bring this analogy up a lot), it's like someone who has never touched a drink in their life directing an AA meeting. They have no clue what the hell they're doing other than give "happy-go-lucky-you-can-do-it" advice without the pain, the willpower, the intense craving of wanting just one drink...and then another. For me, when I write about anxiety attacks and depression, I tell people what I do in order to feel better for that time being, or what I do to just keep me alive for just another hour, another night, another week. When it works, I give advice. So, 'this' worked for me, let me share it with you. "I've been there" sounds much better than, "Oh, that must suck", when trying to help someone who may be suicidal. I have a very young reader of mine who came to me recently. This handsome 15 year old who has his whole world in front of him cries all. the. time. Nobody understands him. Nobody wants to help him. There is something comforting about speaking to someone who's been there before - someone who 'gets it'. The pain, the agony, the tears - every second seems like an hour when you're in a dark depression after the intense anxiety shit storm. I have fired many therapists for 'not getting it' -- they were too textbook, blaming everything and my mother for the problems that only I'm accountable for. No one is responsible for my happiness. This therapist believes otherwise. When you feel like you're the only one going through such a "crazy phase" as we think it is --- we somehow put in our minds that we're outcasts; we're "crazy", and that right there is enough to set us over the edge. We worry about judgment, fitting in, acceptance, being loved, being safe, feeling comfortable, and when those things shatter into little pieces all over the floor, our stability within ourselves seems to just fall apart with it. "Why live?"

Yesterday afternoon, while dealing with my own panic and fear, I decided to just relax, put on a movie and call it a day. Oddly enough, I found The Snake Pit, a film made in 1948. It was about a woman who found herself in an insane asylum and cannot remember how she got there. Although the film was kind of predictable, it showed all the fears she went through and what the other inmates feared too, advising her not to tell people that "she thought she was fine". To indicate "I'm much better now" meant that she was absolutely out of her mind to the staff. It was better left unsaid rather than any progression revealed.  Isn't that what we do now? Isn't it better to convince people that we're "okay" and meanwhile, inside, we're dying. Last week while chatting with my friend who bartends at our local bar & grill, we started talking about depression and how one of the waitress's mother was in another country, calling her up at the restaurant saying, "I'm gonna kill myself," for the umpteenth time. And while every suicidal blurb should be taken very seriously, there is some truth to watching out for the silent ones - the ones who don't say one thing before offing themselves. You usually hear, "I never knew he/she was even depressed!" And sadly, that happens more often than not. Nothing was revealed. They simply stated, "I'm fine." A smile to hide the tears. A joker to hide the pain. A carefree spirit living a life full of fear and depression. Look deeper into someone when they tell you, "I'm fine." Don't know who quoted this but I love it: "Even the most beautiful rainbows can be colored with broken crayons." If you or someone else is depressed, never feel like you're "crazy" for talking it out or coming to someone in fear of judgment. In most cases, they can relate. You're not alone. I suffer through it, and I know many others who do. I do not believe those who haven't been there can help - that's just my opinion and experience. But in some way or another, haven't we all felt the pain of life? Haven't we all at some point in our lives just felt like giving up or found ourselves crying for hours when no one was around? If you are just at the end of the rope, please call 1-800-273-8255. If you don't feel comfortable talking over the phone, you can chat with someone live if you click here. People DO want to help. Just talk it out. --P.S. Stay.

Please take a moment, listen to the lyrics of this beautiful song, written by The Beatles and sung beautifully by Sarah McLachlan. Click here if you can't view this video. It's a beautiful song.

 

This post is dedicated to two special people who have been coming to me for advice. You know who you are. Stay.

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The Penned Up Ax Murderer

The one thing I've learned over time is that you never know if your date or lover is a "penned up ax murderer" until she becomes one. In Travis Alexander's blog, he states, "Desperately trying to find out if my date has an axe murderer penned up inside of her and knowing she is wondering the same thing about me. That’s usually when I think myself into a panic and start acting weird in consequence to trying so hard to act normal." Have you ever been in a position where someone you knew, loved and cared for just finally flipped their lid and revealed their true colors? It can be very scary and unsettling to say the least. But what if you never knew the potential killer underneath the sweet, smiling beautiful girl you once loved, and now...you had to end the relationship. But it doesn't end there. I have been diligently following the Jodi Arias trial, even falling asleep to it (which isn't such a good idea). But then they have the news afterwards dedicated to the trial. I have it on while I'm working just to stay on top of things. What's there to figure out? She already lied a zillion times and then admitted to the murder. But, cases like we've seen with the Casey Anthony trial, I'm almost positive that Jodi is going to get out of this scott free somehow and write a book that makes her millions of dollars. Maybe she'll have to do 10 years max and then get out by the time she's 40 years young. And how fucking sad is that? This incredible, smart, talented and funny man, Travis Alexander (you can see his charm here) is now dead because of her.  She took this beautiful life away - just like that - and all because she wasn't willing to wait out the heartbreak. I've been there. I didn't want things to end and begged and pleaded for forgiveness. It hurts. But what goes through a person's mind that makes them believe that they have some authority over their ex-lover's life? "Well if I can't have you, no one else will." They develop this sense of 'ownership' over the person to where the ex-lover in some cases has no clue about any of it. They simply go through the "normal" process of a breakup, whether it be moping around for a bit or completely over it.

My mother watches these awful shows, like "Snapped" and stuff on this channel that I believe is called, "I.D.". She watches this before bedtime and tells me the next day, "My God, I had such horrific dreams about a man stabbing his wife." I'm just like, "I wonder why..."  I remember watching this show (forgive me, I forgot which one), but they were demonstrating the functions of two sets of brains. One was from a sociopath and the other from a normal everyday person. Of course, the sociopath has no remorse or fear of consequences when committing a crime. But when they put two brains of your everyday average Joe together, they found something interesting. In the front part of the brain (right underneath the forehead area), they discovered a unique trait that is almost comparable to a "shield" -- a shield that prevents them from ever committing a murder. Although the two brains were alike, the one without the shield was from your average everyday person who happened to have killed someone - either by manslaughter or other. The difference was, that piece of "shield" discovered much about the person's crime. Of course, you can't use this in a court, just as you can't use a polygraph test, but it does say something about how our brain is somehow responsible for our actions, or lack thereof. They also indicated that even people who were "seemingly crazy" (bad temper, popping their cork, etc.) had this shield, while usually, the calmest person in the batch did not. So it's kind of true when they say, "It's the silent ones you have to worry about." In my personal opinion, the person who holds in all of their feelings and never truly has an outlet for all of their sadness, anger and rage are the ones who usually "snap".  For the nuts out there (like myself) who go off the edge from time to time ranting and raving -- we've already said our peace and poured out our frustrations. Our inner emotional box is empty. For those who keep it all in, that box is bursting at the seams. What do you think?

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If Only...

Sometimes I look over at my dog and wonder what she's thinking. Does she even think at all? Does she have a thought process? Is she plotting against the squirrel out on the lawn? When it rains, she looks melancholy -  as if she's wishing her sunny days back, lying in some random sunbeam. Occasionally, she'll run up and jump on me, indicating she wants something. I have to walk and follow her in order to know what she needs. If she heads to the kitchen, she wants a treat. If she heads near the door, she needs to go out. Sometimes, it could be that she just wants to cuddle on the couch, so she'll pull my pant leg and steer me over to the sofa. Our communication isn't the best, we mess up and well, I have to clean up the occasional 'mess', but overall, it's pretty damn good. But this isn't about my dog, oddly enough. Have you ever wondered what someone in your life was thinking? It amazes me we have this precise language that we can tell others exactly what we want or need, and yet we never use it to its fullest potential. We make the other person guess or try to figure it all out on their own - like my communication with my dog. We speak in roundabout ways or give someone the cold shoulder to let them know you're not pleased with them for whatever reason.  And while indifference can speak volumes, some people aren't the brightest bulbs in the pack. They just don't get it. We need it in black and white sometimes. There are times when I can only dream that the person I'm trying to communicate would pull my pant leg and guide me to where they need to be. Wishful thinking.

There are two things that can keep someone from communicating effectively: pain and fear. The pain can be from someone hurting you, either physically or emotionally. My dog cowers if you try to pet her head. You have to leave your hand out, let her sniff you and she'll let you pet her. Her fear from the pain she had in the past as a rescue dog which makes her behave this way. Ok ok ok, enough with my doggy analogies. But it's working, isn't it?  Pain from someone hurting you can make you fear getting close with them again. The trust is broken. And even though you have all the forgiveness you can possibly dish out for anyone who has hurt you in the past, it is extremely hard to forget for some people. I do believe time can build up trust again - you have to earn it, as I'm trying to do with my dog, but sometimes, it's just too much, the memories, the thought of getting treated poorly once again...too much.  I can only do my best and be patient, understanding and try to be a safe place for my best friend...or for the person I once hurt. They say the truth emerges when you're in a fit of anger, and yet when people are apologizing for their reckless behavior, they always seem to say, "I didn't mean what I said." It can be very confusing when some truth is mixed in with a sprinkle of exaggeration...or is it exaggeration? Maybe they thought like this all along and now, the truth comes out. I've done both in a fit of anger: I've said things I truly didn't mean, and I have also spilled the beans about what I truly thought. There's this proverb that says, "It's harder to make amends with an offended friend than to capture a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron bars." And while that may ring true, I do believe that love and communication can break those bars and set those two people free from anger or any resentment held in their hearts. If only...

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