4 Ways to Cope With a Breakup or Separation In a Healthy Way

Many people underestimate the grief associated with a divorce or a breakup. This can even be with severed ties with a good friend. Everyone's different, and everyone grieves differently. But the power of a separation can truly destroy a person. Also, a separation can either make or break the relationship. So when your mind is set on, "He/she will never call me," ---don't bank on that. The void of your absence will either show one or two things: how much they missed and loved you, or how okay they are without you. That doesn't mean they don't love you---they probably still do. Sometimes a circumstantial situation can create a lack in contact. For instance, personally speaking, I've always told my spouse 30 years ago, I would never marry a cop or soldier. I respect them and thank them for their service, but I don't want to see two officers come walking up to my door and tell me the worst news imaginable, nor do I want to bite my nails off every time I see them walk out the door to patrol the highways. I know anything can happen to anyone at any given time---but these were my "rules for dating." Period. Well, my spouse enlisted in the military back in 2000. That's when the separation happened. I couldn't handle it. But what happened was, even though we were separated for a couple of years, the absence let both our hearts grow fonder. The separation made us. We started to become best friends while they served in the military. That led to the foundation of our life together. I had a new outlook on the military and law enforcement.  I had time to figure out my life and vise/versa. More acceptance, love, and appreciation for living our lives the way we desired---without fear.

So here are my ways to cope with a breakup or separation in a healthy way.

No Contact 

I know, you want to pick up the phone and text them. Every sound of your phone might be them! I know you want to send that long-winded email, or write an old fashioned letter to them so they really know how you feel. (Do you really think that they don't know?) Your mind can play tricks on you. You will literally feel like if you don't throw that text, that email, that voice mail----that they will forget you like nothing ever happened. You're wrong! Especially if you both have invested years in the situation. Do not call. Do not text. Do not email. Do not ANSWER. Make yourself unavailable. 

What happens when a person goes missing? ----They're looked for. Or they're thought of....obsessively. Now I want to warn you---"no contact" does not mean playing games. This is your chance to find yourself, to see where things went wrong, and to even better yourself for YOU, not for them. Do all the things you ever wanted to do or try. Go out with the girls or guys---have a night out. Have a few nights out. But be careful not to numb yourself  too much with alcohol or substances, because it'll only prolong the grieving. I'm talking about drinking every single day and night---not just tying on a few with your friends. Entirely different. When you're sitting out on your patio drinking alone, it's time to reel that bad boy in. 

Last part on "no contact." After three months, (yes I'm putting you on a three month hiatus)---when they're texts come in, make sure it's a legit text---a text that says, "Are you ok?" Anything to check on you. Do NOT respond to a generalized text asking where they're favorite ZZ Top cassette tape is. (Ok, I'm showing my age here.) If you cannot resist responding to the text, please wait it out 5+ hours, with a short, concise answer. Again, this isn't about playing games. This is showing that your time is precious and valuable. You are not at their beck and call. This is a good opportunity for them to go searching for you---or even better, going soul searching. And where's then first place they search? Of course---your social media. Show off those annoying gym selfies in the mirror, and try to take photos of yourself with a group of people. They'll automatically think that one of those people are with you. It sounds like a psyops, but this truly works. NO "alone" selfies, unless you're at the gym showing off your guns. You'll annoy your friends, but they can scroll on by. 

Self-Care Is Not Selfish

This is your time to really shine. (Every day should be the day to shine) ---but sometimes we slack off when we're in a long-term relationship or marriage. It happens. For my girls: get your hair and nails done. Some women actually go from long hair to a drastic crew cut or even shave their head! This is a common statement due to their grief from the breakup and it's such a beautiful transformation, whether you think so or not. DO IT! Or, do it your own way, color your hair differently, get new glasses, wear your makeup differently and get a whole new wardrobe, if affordable. Breakups and divorces are like mid-life crisis' without the mid-life necessarily. Use this to your advantage. 

Non-monetary ways, in case you're watching your pennies, is to start working out at home or going for long walks outside. Physical exercise produces those "happy hormones"---and if you're strong enough to go running---DO IT. You'll get that runner's high and you'll be pounding the pavement instead of their head. If you ever see me running, be sure there's a bear chasing me. But you do you. Do something off your bucket list. You do have a bucket list, right? Go kayaking! Go fishing! Join a golf country club. (Ok, that was monetary.) Any club that involves a new social life + a new skill = a win/win situation. 

Dive Into Scripture 

"He heals then brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."---Psalm 147:3 

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ---John 14:27

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." ---Isaiah 43:18

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." ---Isaiah 41"10 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ---Psalm 34:18 

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." ---Psalm 55:22 

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief. The backslider in heart will be filled with the fruit of His ways, and a good man will be filled with the fruit of his ways." ---Proverbs 14:13-14

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." ---1 Corinthians 13:7

When you have no one to turn to, God is there to listen to every word. Sometimes people tell me they can't hear God for some reason. The reason for that may be for a few things. His answer can be found in the Bible if you cannot "hear" Him in your mind and heart. And if you are bitter or unforgiving, that's a barrier for God to get through to you. Your unforgiveness and anger is on a much lower frequency. Even "spiritualists" will tell you that in order to talk to the spirits or in the Bible "test the spirits" is to be on a very high frequency. That just means, your heart is in the right place---a genuine place. You're not angry, and you have completely forgiven the situation. Look for Him and He will find you. 

Laughter

You heard the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine," right? It's true. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Laughter also improves your immune system. Positive thoughts can actually realize neuropeptides that help fight stress and potentially more serious illnesses. It's also a great pain reliever, by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. It essentially improves your mood. Doctors and scientists also believe that laughter gives us longevity. Have you ever spent time with someone laughing, and 5 hours later, you're like, "Where did the time go?" You escape your reality for a little while, giving yourself a proven natural remedy that's better than any antidepressant. When my mom passed away, I literally lost my laugh. I remember one night I put on Netflix to watch a standup comic, and I couldn't believe how hard I laughed. I slept so good that night. Laughter is much better with friends, but if you have no option and you're digging into the Ben & Jerry's watching TV---watch a good comedy. 

I hope this helped someone in some way. Remember that you're too important to be hyper-focused on someone who isn't giving you the time of day. Give yourself all the time, and all the respect, and ALL the love you possibly can. Grow and learn from this no matter what the outcome is. Start loving you "as is." Everybody has insecurities, so if you don't like your thighs---love them anyway! For guys, if you're self-conscious about your hairline, love it anyway! If you don't love something about yourself, learn to fall in love with every "imperfection" ---because eventually, when we love ourselves "as is"---they will love us "as is." The power of the mind is so overlooked. And remember, you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself first. So go out there and start loving yourself enough to give yourself a fulfilling life---even without them. 

I'll leave you with one of my favorite scriptures:

"But we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." ---Romans5:4-6

Say these affirmations: 

I am enough.

I am worthy of love.

I love myself on purpose.

I love the life I created for myself.

I love all the beautiful things that are coming my way.

He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world! And that's the truth! 

P.S. I love you.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog at DebsCucina.com for some of her famous recipes and check out her Instagram full of food videos!