Monday, December 06, 2010

The End

As she sat across the table from me, her finger swirled around the rim of her coffee mug, perhaps thinking of a better way to convince me that saying goodbye wasn’t the answer or solution to our problem. It was a late Sunday afternoon in early November. Her scarf was wrapped around her neck, snug and yet somehow, fashionable as she always managed to pull off. I grabbed a newspaper and placed it under my coffee just in case the silence was deafening. With one small table between us, it felt like she was miles away. We had spent all weekend together, knowing it would be our very last. Every single moment counted. We knew it was time...time to call it quits. Although our minds called it quits, our hearts were struggling to jump out of both our chests and embrace forever. It was a bittersweet, awkward moment that we’ll both never forget - similar to a romantic novel where there’s a cordial, loving ending to it all...a happy ending.

No such thing.

“Can this be ‘our’ place?” she asked me, hoping to keep something that we could call our own. Our “planned out friendship” would consist of an occasional Saturday afternoon filled with shopping and then, coffee. Her face was flushed, her eyes were watery - what could I have possibly said other than, “Of course?” We continued to sip our coffee, sometimes remaining silent, and other times reassuring one another that we’d stay in touch. Both feeling like we had two large boulders stuck in the back of our throats, I decided to break up this heaviness with another source of heaviness: a homemade chocolate brownie with whipped cream. Her eyes lit up and a beautiful smiled bursted out, like sunbeams after weeks of raining. I loved seeing that smile. We both continued our “goodbyes” a bit longer, sharing our favorite guilty pleasure.

Knowing the answers to the following questions, I sometimes sit and still ask them over and over in my mind, because for me, it’s different. For me, it’s about forgiveness, forgetting, putting aside all differences and possibly managing to hold onto someone or something you love, even if it’s not in the romantic sense. I have a lot to learn about people and their feelings. I know this. Is there such a thing as ‘the wrong time - the wrong place’ type of theory? “Oh, it just wasn’t our time to meet.” Then when? How do you break away from someone with mutual admiration and love without walking through life feeling like you’re missing a huge piece of yourself? “Just give it time.” I agree with that statement, but to me, every second in life counts...why waste it? --“People need to heal.” Don’t we all? Maybe some people need to be braver and face their fear of a possible broken heart. Maybe I should listen to my own advice about my own fears. I believe there is a bigger plan to this thing called life - a plan where we have no clue as to its ending or like those movies on a DVD where you can pick your own ending ---can we pick our own ending, or is it already directed otherwise?

Although I try to make things better, sometimes it’s not always for the best. What may be “my best” may not be someone else’s best...and this I have to accept. But what I do have are all the wonderful memories that’ll carry me through in life: all the talks over coffee, all the Saturday mornings spent in our PJs listening to David Sedaris’ podcasts, hoping those special moments would never end...

The End.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!