Saturday, June 19, 2010

"I Want Out..."

Life is too short to be spending your time with someone who makes your life miserable or makes you feel less than super excited about life. Of course love is a feeling, but it’s also a conscious choice made to “choose” who you want to love & grow old with. To consciously pick someone who is controlling, abusive or manipulative will eventually come to a head over time. When we’re young, we tend to pick the ‘wrong ones’ or be attracted to the badass types. That fades with time, and after a while, you’re going to want someone who allows you...to be “you”. My wife made a good point this morning while talking about this. She said that when someone stifles you or “smothers your feathers”, you can’t fly; you can’t be yourself. You’re trapped in this prison that you've created for yourself. You chose this. Also, you can choose to leave the prison whenever you want. I think many people who don’t leave a bad situation is because of all the time invested. What about all the times wasted?

Think about this day 10 years ago. Not so long ago, right? Think about even 15-20 years ago... Time flies. It’s never too late to leave a bad situation behind. People think being a certain age that it’s too late, or that they’ll never find someone else to love them. I’d rather be alone than to live with someone who didn’t respect me. Your partner/spouse should make you feel wonderful about yourself, make you laugh, smile & realize what a great life you have with them. They’re not supposed to tear you down because they’re too insecure about themselves. They’re not supposed to make you feel scared when you come home or make you feel as though you have to walk on eggshells in your very own house. That’s not love. That’s not respect. And I’m certain, loyalty goes right down the drain without those two ingredients as well.

My mother always told me to find someone who can make me laugh. Your other half should be your best friend in the world, not your guardian or keeper. You should be able to be free with your best friend - to be “you” - and to feel comfortable saying anything & everything around them. If you have the slightest fear while being in the presence of your other half, then something is wrong. Fear is NOT love. Love is NOT fear. They should love you for the person you are - not the person they are trying to create. When someone tries to mold another person to their likings, eventually that mold cracks and the person inside finally realizes: “Hey, this is not me. I want out.”

9 comments:

From the Heart said...

I came to your blog via Bobbi's blog. You mentioned a scripture but was not sure where it was in the Bible. Read 2 Corinthians 12:9. I think that is the verse you were talking about.

Pray that you will follow along with us and joint WOW (Weekends of Worship).
Blessings, AE

John McElveen said...

"I think many people who don’t leave a bad situation is because of all the time invested. What about all the times wasted?"

POWWERFUL AND helpful--THANKS DEB!

jOHN

Monkey Man said...

Love this.

Anonymous said...

I was with a manipulative, abusive, controlling person for a long time. I tried to get out many times but those kind of people don't let go easily and try to manipulate (guilt) you into staying. I finally did get away, and I am alone - but so happy. No one to be afraid of, no one to piss off (for the most ridiculous reasons), no one to tell me I didn't meet their expectations that day (which was every day and always impossible), no one to give me the cold shoulder because I didn't say or do the right thing. Life is good now, but it took awhile.

Deb said...

From the Heart,

Thank you for the reference! I just didn’t know it offhand, but appreciate you coming by to inform me. I definitely will look into WOW. :)

John,

You’re welcome. Thanks for stopping by. :)

MM,

Thank you. :)

Anonymous,

Manipulation can be such a sneaky form of abuse. People wouldn’t “technically” call it abuse, but somehow, they’re living in their own prison. I remember when I was in a manipulative relationship years ago and felt constant guilt all the time, because the woman I was with was an emotional roller coaster -always making me feel guilty and trying to mold me into someone else. I was like, hey you met me “as is”, take me “as is”. She always expected perfection but was in for a rude awakening when I finally did decide to end it. She never thought I would. Each time she put me down (insecurity to make me feel bad about myself so I wouldn’t leave), I would always get these elaborate “I’m sorry” letters and then, treated like a princess for about...all of 3 days...then it was back to the same ol’ shit. But, it was my fault for staying so long, which wasn’t long at all...it just felt like forever.
Thanks for sharing.

Beth said...

This is, yet again, another great post.

I never know how to react when I hear of someone being in an abusive relationship. Do you pity the victim, or do you get annoyed because they had the choice to leave? Of course, sometimes, they are literally afraid for their life, so they stay. Or, their self-esteem has taken such a beating that they truly believe that they will never be able to find someone else who will "love" them. I also tend to feel bad for the abuser. Weird, hey? But I find myself wondering what happened in their past to make them who they are today. And why is that some who were molested as children will grow up to be molesters themselves, yet other's are able to grow from it and contribute in a hugely positive way to the world? Woah, I just went wayyyy off topic.

Love is never easy. And a person may grow up with this warped idea of what love really is, so when they wind up in an abusive relationship, it may be exactly the environment they grew up in, so it seems normal.

There are so many different ways to look at why someone stays, or why views of love are so different. There is no way to understand all of them.

We should just be thankful that we are in healthy, loving, supportive relationships ourselves. :)

Cheers Deb!

Anonymous said...

I forgot to say - that yes, I allowed it too and that was my own doing. I was finally strong enough to get out, and as a result of that (standing up for myself and no longer allowing the manipulation) I feel I have grown so much.

Manipulators never think they are doing anything wrong... they can't see it.

And one other thing - I am alone in the sense of that I am not in a relationship right now, however I am far from alone (lonely?) - I have WONDERFUL friends and people around me who care about me and love me for who I am.

And for that, I could not be more grateful.

sarah said...

relationships are so hard...

Dominica said...

well spoken deb.