Thursday, July 26, 2007

I've Gone Ex-Gay...

It’s true- I’ve become an ex-gay. It was easier than I thought. All I had to do was listen to what other Christians told me. I’ve begun the process of separating all my belongings that were meshed in with my partner’s. Since I’m not a lesbian anymore, this means I can’t continue living with my partner. She has to find a new home now. This means we’ll have to divide our funds and make sure whose money’s whose. We’ll also have to sort out some things along the way. It’ll be easier than we thought.

It was such an impulsive thing- being with my partner for all these years. That’s what they said. They said I went on my “impulses” of my flesh. Hmm, maybe they’re right. Maybe I did go on my impulses when I chose to wait it out two years, before deciding if I wanted to be with this person for the rest of my life. That’s considered “impulsive”, isn’t it? The process of getting to know her and her family were so impulsive of me. It took me a couple of years to develop a close relationship with them. It was too short of a time if you ask me…and the other Christians who support me in this.

I had planned a nice stuffed chicken dinner tonight, along with a healthy serving of vegetables and salad. I searched through a recipe book to find out which one my partner would like best. So impulsive, I know. I just thought she would enjoy her meal after a hard day’s work. I thought about the wonderful conversation we would have over dinner, discussing topics that include God, politics and family. Those types of conversations aren’t productive anyway, right?

I cleaned the house today. I made sure that everything was disinfected and tidy, so that my partner would be comfortable coming home to a clean house. I scrubbed the floors, the walls and even the windows. I cleaned the sheets with strong bleach and made sure the carpets were fully vacuumed, because she has very bad allergies. Hmm, my impulsive nature kicked in again.

I even bought her favorite movie yesterday, so we could watch it tonight after dinner. I thought it would be a nice relaxing way to wind down from the day’s stressors. I was planning to give her a foot rub, just in case she was on her feet all day. But now, she has to leave, because the "Christians" told me she needs to, in order for us to go to heaven. I guess I’ll put the massage lotion back in its place, the chicken dinner I’ll freeze for a family event, and I’ll send back the movie she loves. It was so impulsive of me to do all of these things for her. To just fathom the thought of going to hell for doing all of these isn’t worth it.

Tomorrow morning is going to be hard. We usually sit around the table, drinking coffee and enjoying our breakfast together before we start work. I like to prepare a healthy breakfast before she leaves, so she’s full until lunchtime. I usually brownbag her lunch and send a little message inside her bag, letting her know that I miss and love her. But those types of impulsive behaviors were so bad for me. I feel bad for dragging her into this mess.

This weekend, I wanted us to work in the garden together. We usually enjoy this activity, because we laugh and joke around, as we plant and do yard work. It’s a team effort and we have a system that works well. I guess I’ll have to find a buddy or family member to do this with. Maybe one of my new "Christian" friends will help me?

I was looking forward to grabbing some Starbuck's coffee and sitting on the bench near the lake watching the sunset with her this weekend, as we usually do. Now, I’ll have to go by myself and think about the wonderful memories we’ve created throughout the years we’d been together.

I’m looking forward to my new life being an ex-gay. I wonder how long my “Christian friends” will still be there still supporting me.

62 comments:

Ricardo said...

LOL! I almost believed you for a second. What a stark picture you've painted.

Matt-Man said...

It is so good to hear that you have seen the light. I have always been saddened by your wicked ways of loving somebody so much. I am proud that your Christian escorts have managed to seat you at the table of rightgeousness. Cheers!!

QUASAR9 said...

lol Deb,
you are such a Melodrama Queen
I hope there's no more killing on earth, but who knows
maybe once we find out we can't die we'll be killing each other all day.

But let me try to see if I can work it out, they say it cannot be heaven for an Irishman if there's no Guinness, they say it cannot be paradise for a surfer if there is no surf
So I guess it's all a matter of what floats your boat.

For me it cannot be heaven if there is pain, hunger, thirst, sadness, ageing, decay or death... and these are all things of the flesh

Hopefully the things of the flesh die with the flesh, it must be even more terrible waking up to a hangover without having had the drink or enjoyed the fun the night before

But who can tell, maybe now is all there is, and one man's pleasure is another's pain, one man's loss another man's gain, some love the sun and some love the rain - but in the end maybe it was all in vain
Sometimes life is just more than a little insane
And you can't make good Rum without sugar cane

SJ said...

Ah now you will live in hell then go to heaven in afterlife :)

Natalia said...

My bet is it worked on you just as much as it worked on Ted Haggard.

He is soooooo still gay.

He should just come out. For everyone's sake.

-N

Enemy of the Republic said...

Gay or straight, I love ya.

Miss 1999 said...

I'm so glad you've seen the light, and decided to give up those instant impulses and irrational decisions you've made in the past, you know, being gay and all *LMAO*

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself, you know, I thought I'd continue on where the post left off *LOL*

Ya know I love ya, regardless *Hugs*

Jessie said...

Honestly, you treat her better than most hetero couples treat each other. Youre so loving, it really is amazing and inspiring.

Lisa said...

HAHAHAHAHA. This was great. Stuffed chicken dinner... I've been craving chicken and stuffing since I read that. :-)

And I totally agree, Natalia.. I wish Ted Haggard would come out, too. It's just so sad. A three-week stint in "rehab" does not a straight man make.

Enlight said...

Commendable blog. The Israelites did not lose the favor of the Divine because of sex. It the relationship that matters, the connection of the spirit.

Maybe you should just give up on being Christian and go solo spiritually but hold on to that Jesus was anointed as King and suffered, died and rose. The organization of Christianity will always judge same sex relationships.

Feel free to read this post http://clearlyenlight.blogspot.com/2007/05/results-of-idolatry.html

Dave said...

At first I thought, "this girl has flipped!" Then as I read on I enjoyed your little sarcasams. This is quite a hoot.
You love and your enjoyment of life does shine through. So much so that the "Christians" have to wear sun glasses.

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

M said...

I know, right? I'm so glad that I can be saved from my evil ways of two-hours phone calls, monthly visits, engagement ring shopping, listening ears, and supportive shoulders. I knew it was giving into my flesh to send her that card. Although wait, that was kind of spontaneous of me... ;)

GW Mush said...

Hi Deb,

Now that you are straight,
you and me need to date and make love and stuff, hehe

kathi said...

Goofball

Big Mama said...

Love you ~deb! Always have and always will...

Amy said...

I am on vacation right now and I miss my partner so much...I think I will plan something like your dinner when I get home...she works so hard to give us a good life. And I feel we are all part of one human family.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

You made the right choice, Deb. But I’d bet the fundamentalists still wouldn’t accept you. Cult folk are rather like that.

Thanks for an enjoyable read! I’ve not encountered such well written satire since the last time I delved into Mark Twain!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Nick's point is well taken. Stay gay.

dani said...

wow! it is that simple? i think quiting smoking is more difficult than become ex-gay now...

Claudio said...

Mmm... ok so... you are not gay anylonger???
I would definitely stay with your girl, I mean, it sounds as if you relly loved her... why thow that away... anyway thats just my opinion... DONT LEAVE HER!!
LOL

Great Blog
I will come more often and see what you did
Regards
Claudio

Gary Baker said...

Absolutely. It's a well known fact that only Christian fundamentalists have trouble accepting people as they are...

~Deb said...

Most Christians will say that being homosexual stems from the impulses of your flesh. What I don’t understand is, if we were born with this (which I believe), and we’ve struggled back and forth whether or not to come out, then to decide who’s going to be our life partners—--I don’t think that’s an “impulse”. It goes back my thoughts and beliefs that many Christians confuse homosexuality with promiscuity, in order to make it a “sin”. The bible clearly states and references all homosexual activities in the context of promiscuous sex----impulsive sex. Just as in Romans when they were having numerous orgies- they got bored with the opposite sex, and found “excitement”---or better yet---“impulses” to be with the same gender. This is “lust”... It’s not love they speak of.

I’m trying to make others see that my relationship with my partner is not based upon impulses, but based upon love, patience, understanding and the desire to make her happy, while serving God.

They can’t tell the difference between lust and love.

Gary Baker said...

"The bible clearly states and references all homosexual activities in the context of promiscuous sex"

Not true. Leviticus references homosexual activity with no mention or regard to number of partners.

~Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~Deb said...

If you rely on the Old Testament and Leviticus, it states that eating shellfish is a sin and shaving your beard is a sin.

It doesn’t apply to Christians today.

Apply ALL of the sins from Leviticus if you’re going that route. It's not fair to cherry pick them. ;)

Nancy said...

Deb, your relationship is an inspiration to me.

When I see those who "treat" homosexuality or, even worse, those who claim they have been "cured," I cringe. I feel for someone who makes that claim and then has to hide their unhappiness for the rest of their lifetime in order to be accepted.

Gary Baker said...

I agree that it's not fair to cherry-pick. You should not have stated "The bible clearly states and references all homosexual activities" if you didn't mean ALL of the Bible, now should you?

For that matter, what you state as "clear" is not clear at all. I'm not denying that there were orgies going on with groups of believers, but I think you would be very hard pressed to point out anything conclusive in the scripture that limits the prohibitions to multiple partners or promiscuity. All of the scriptures could just as easily apply to single instances.

Finally, it would be a misapplication of scripture for me to apply all Levitical standards to Christian believers when the Paul in the New Testament explicitly states that they discussed what restrictions were to be placed on new believers. The only dietary restriction mentioned was food offered to idols and blood. Sexual sin was also specifically mentioned as a non-dietary restriction.

You believe what you wish to believe, not what the scriptures tell you.

Brett said...

Thoughtful post, Deb. Maybe I’ll become exgay too and we can get married. I think God is telling me He wants you to make me stuffed chicken. Yum.

“It goes back my thoughts and beliefs that many Christians confuse homosexuality with promiscuity, in order to make it a “sin”.”

I think many Christians are just lazy and they assume because homosexuality gives them the heebeegeebees God must be talking. Add to that their bad proof-texting habit and they think the matter is settled.

~Deb said...

Hey Nancy—thank you! I’m not sure if I’m cured yet! (hehe)

But it said nothing about homosexuality. Sexual immorality is for all, heterosexuals and homosexuals. There’s a big difference between sexual immorality and loving someone in a committed relationship.

I believe what the scriptures tell me, Gary. You seem to think I don't believe the scriptures, however, we both interpret them differently. I respect your beliefs and that's okay that you believe that to be true, because that's what the spirit tells you.

But for me, it's different. I believe because of what the message is saying to me, when it was applied and who it was applied for.

I don't want to argue over what's wrong or what's right, because you already know my argument of whether or not homosexuality's a sin.

Thanks for stopping by again!

Blogging Den said...

hey Deb..well said !

~Deb said...

Thanks Brett & Blogging Den. "Christians" are very quick to judge---and some put all their time and energy into judging homosexuals. Some base their blog upon it. You have to wonder why. Aren't there more issues to tackle, regarding sinful natures--or what's to be thought as "sinful natures"?

Gary Baker said...

Deb,

I know that we disagree, and I did not want to engage. I felt compelled when you said "All of the Bible..." If you are that convinced, then there should be no need to distort the matter to make your case.

~Deb said...

I like your insight and what you believe in- love hearing about it. For me, as you already know, don't want to beat a dead horse...the bible seems to speak to me differently.

Thanks so much for being understanding throughout our conversations.

Jaded said...

Wait, you clean the house AND cook? Hmmm, maybe I should be come ex-hetero. lol

There are so many areas that require deep study and thought because they're not clear, or they aren't relevant today. I don't understand why certain groups don't understand this.

channelofhealing said...

Hi Deb, I Pray that God be with you in your decision and, may God help you through it all.
am not worthy to judge you and believe me I know the Holy Spirit works in you cos i felt it in your post but, I tell you all you need now is serious prayers and not listen to what people are saying to you but what God is saying to your heart. cos in the end only the Holy Spirit will check you and make sure you don't fail trust me I know. Nobody can do that for you.

Cheers

Mighty Morgan said...

I'm reading through the comments and theres a lot of reference to sacarsim(sp)..But this whole post, it makes me feel sad. I know for me, much of my life I listened to the "You Should" message of "Them" The people who did not live my life, did not walk the path I walked, did not feel the way I felt...People who could not relate to the reality of my humanity and I ultimatly felt alone.. What does your heart say???? Because that's where I find the God of my understanding and the loving caring words of support he nudges me with through each and every choice I make..without Judgement...Geez so many people get so caught up in the idea that somehow we as humans can really offend God.. HEs GOD not a silly human being with an ego....follow your heart and your time here won't feel like a prison sentence in hell. Life is meant to be lived and embraced and not wasted away longing for a life after death. It's here that matters not the "There"

Mighty Morgan said...

Ok Ok...I just read it again..I see get the sarcasm..he he he

But in the grand schem of things the underlying truth is still sad...of the reality of it all.

Gary Baker said...

"Geez so many people get so caught up in the idea that somehow we as humans can really offend God"

I suppose at least part of that could be that there is both Old and New Testament scripture recording God killing people for just that reason. Just a thought...

Sugar Queens Dream said...

Deb, I'm not gay,but I was going to tell you if you leave your partner just because another person tells you to, then you would be silly. There is so much hate in the world, if you can share love with someone that's not violent,angry,hurtful, greedy, possessive,controlling, dishonest or unfaithful then do it. I know what most people read in the bible they try to lord over others heads but no one is without sin or what others think of as sin. So who cares, it is not for them to judge you .... It is between you and Your God,that it shall be handled. I think any loving parent would love their Children no matter if they do something the parent thinks wrong, but in this case, who's to say its wrong, You must follow what your heart tells you..... I think in the end God shall love you and keep you as his Child no matter what, because God is a loving and forgiving God.....
Peace be with you......

Mark said...

Right on Deb!

I'M TALKING ABOUT NATURAL NORMAL GODLY LOVE AS MANIFESTED IN SEX, as far as I'm concerned for whomever! There are no relationship restrictions or age limitations in His law of love. But system laws make it all against the law, and if I'd tell you what I think, I'd probably break the law publishing it! Whew! Wow! The system really stinks! It is a pit of lies and deceit and fiendish propaganda against the laws of God and the love of God and the sex of God! It's almost totally against nature!

..am I right?

Catch said...

I dont know why some of these people cant just love you b/c your Deb...why do they have to judge you? Its not for them to judge. You got any of that chicken dinner left over? lol

Dave said...

Beautiful blog! Love the picture you post on it, did you capture yourself?

http://davedeli.blogspot.com

Paula the Surf Mom said...

I started reading this in a feed reader and I said WHAT THE ****? but I click in and reread this... beautiful article... and I thought to myself how hard it would be not to have my partner beside me.

I can see you will be one of my regular reads.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

LOL!

Flip Flop Goddess said...

for the first paragraph u had me..hehe

Terence Chang said...

Hi... Stop by and say hi!

WOW... what a great blog. I am not a Christian, but I find your blog great!

A totally different world that I can't fully understand, but I am sure that you will be doing fine!

Good luck to you! Wish you the best!

Christo said...

What a interesting place. I like your way of thinking and saying things. Keep it up!

Ross12345 said...

Nice post!

- Yep they do get more ugly as they get older - shame.

www.rosshetherington.com

morinn said...

superbly written, you almost made me cry!

www.naturallybeautiful.info said...

Great blog! I just love your acerbic wit.

I'm a Roman Catholic, not practising.
I view the bible as an allegorical study not as literal events.

Interesting isn't it, how people will draw completely different conclusions to the same thing?

People in the Sun said...

Congratulations. The lake of fire would have been very hot and nasty. Now, if you really love her (but not too much; it's a thin line), convince her to find a man, too. Otherwise... you know what's coming, you've read the book.

~Deb said...

I just got a hit from Google from a person looking for "gay redneck sex" and they got my blog. So whoever visited looking for that- I'm so so so so sorry!!!

I'm going to hell for that, huh?

Anonymous said...

That is hysterical, for a moment I thought you were serious. And that would have been a shame considering that you are an insipiration to many of us "sinners" out here in blog land. Some people will never understand the true meaning of love, and the loving and caring things that are shared between us "sinners" and thats their loss.

Lordmanilastone said...

you are making me cry deb, i know the hardship of ending nurtured relatioships, i hope you are doing the right thing and can be stronger to face life without her, the relationship you have with her is really something to treasure, i hope you don't burn bridges and continue to be good friends, TT

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

If "by your fruits, you shall know them" is true, then your relationship with your partner is the "proof" that yours is a loving sanctified relationship in the eyes of God. Christianity has historically taught that intimate love between partners (as well as other types of love) are reflections of God's greater love for us. You and your partner honor and respect one another, care for each other, learn, grow, search and serve God together. I see God's presence in your relationship and I am sure that God does as well. And there are many christians who believe that the Bible is a prototype and not an archtype or blueprint. God is still revealing Godself to us and the scriptures are only one way of revelation.
Live your truth, Deb and ignore the stone throwers.

Gary Baker said...

"God is still revealing Godself to us and the scriptures are only one way of revelation."

So, I guess if the "stone throwers" say that this is their God revealed truth, we have to respect that as well. And if that includes violence, well, that's the truth that God is revealing to them. Mind you, accepting that sort of thing as a Godly possibility is not something that I would even consider. But if you are convinced that the rules can change, then so be it...

Art said...

I'll admit it, I was confused there for a moment. I get it now:)

Scribble said...

Bravo!
Wonderful entry and blog,
will return often.


Thanks for the blog visit to my "sister" blog,
please feel free to read my main blog, http://scribbleandscribe.wordpress.com
Look forward to getting to know you.
Annie/Scribble

Pittchick said...

Will you please come live with me??? LOL.

I'm a Christian, Deb, and I think it's amazing that you and your partner are able to share your lives together and be truly happy.

Drake said...

Very well written, but a bit flawed. I could make the very same statements about a mistress to justify why what I am doing is not sinful. Though I do not agree with your statements, I still believe you will see God in heaven come judgment day.

TrappedInColorado said...

Nicely done. Sarcasm is one of the most effective means of getting a point across. Good one!

BTW - I'm off Level. On Belvedere now. :)

You two gonna been me in NYC for martinis when I come out?