Saturday, May 06, 2006

Deaths and Breakups

No, this is not the chapter taken from my book. I just have to use this title to get my point across.

No matter how you lose someone--through a death or through a break up, it’s never easy. For me, it’s a constant battle of obsessive thought patterns. Redundant questions being asked over and over. “Why did they leave? Why did God take them so fast? What did I do to make him/her go away?” Things like that will probably never be answered, but I know that it takes a conscious effort to stop those thought patterns and conclude it with, “There’s a reason for everything.”

Why do some people waste three years with someone to just let them go, and others lose their loved ones after fifty years without their proper goodbyes? No one knows the answer to all of this. People go through emotions from sadness, anger, to forgiveness and contentment. “Time heals all.” It’s been said probably a million times. Of course with time, everything seems to fade. You drink too much one night, and no amount of coffee will sober you up. Only ‘time’ will sober you up. You have a nightmare, and when you wake up, it feels as though you’re still living in it. After some ‘time’ wears off during the day, you seem to forget that dream, right? I guess it’s the same with all things.

Why do we focus on what’s not there, instead of the things we already have? Do we take things for granted? Then you have that old saying, “You never know what you got until it’s gone.” Maybe we just took it for granted, maybe we just neglected to realize how important that person was to us? Whatever the reason is, it literally cannot be explained, because each individual has their own story to tell. Each person has their reasons on why the relationship ended, or why their loved ones passed over way too early before their time.

“God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

We never look at the ‘big picture’; we only see what’s right in front of us sometimes. It’s a normal human reaction that we’re comfortable with. How can we see the whole scope, when it’s not visible? Some people even lose faith in God, because something happened in their life that discouraged their beliefs in knowing that there’s a greater power out there.

“How can God let this happen? Why me?”

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.” ~Romans 5:3-4

Is it all a learning process? Is life one big learning experience? When we stumble and fall, the next five stumbles after that, we’ll learn how to pick ourselves back up quicker—and much more easily.

Or do we?

This week has been a challenging one for me. A girl I went to school with recently passed over last weekend from an accidental overdose of alcohol. She was 34 years old, leaving behind her husband and a five year old son. I was close with her sister and knew them since I was five years old.

All week, I’ve been having nightmares. Most of the time, I can’t even sleep. My thoughts have been racing constantly about life in general. It even hit home for me as well. How many nights have I dabbled way too much in alcohol, waking up with a miserable hangover? Of course the hangover stories are always funny—trying to conjure up the best bloody mary remedy, but in reality, ‘in my mind’, the same thing could happen to me—or anyone. It just takes one bad night.

My thought patterns flipped over into a break up I went through back in 2003. I literally lost someone I loved through separation. It took approximately two years to get over that. At first, I was devastated. I was in a self-destructive mode and drank myself into oblivion. I then started writing in a journal. That journal turned into my book that I recently released. It was therapeutic, but most of all, going to God with my problems helped me more than anything.

“’My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~2 Corinthians 12:9

God works best when we are weak. Sometimes we need to crash and burn before we can repair ourselves and rebuild a better foundation. Still at times, I find myself thinking about lost loved ones and the girl that I broke up with back in 2003. After a couple of years, we still continued to talk, but it was different; uncomfortable due to circumstances. It wasn’t meant for us to be together—and maybe it wasn’t meant for us to be in one another’s lives. I’ll always have a little dent in my heart for her, but it’s more like a fading scar that I’m pretty much used to—and it doesn’t bother me that it’s there. I’m glad it is. It shows how much I loved this person at one time.

Now, for a good laugh, after those past posts about homsexuality and if it's a perversion--the big debates that have been going on, please, I encourage you to head over to CP's blog and check out what she has to say about this. It's hysterical. Her humor is awesome and it's enough to get anybody out of a depression! Thank you CP! I appreciate your words of support and the email you sent over to me. You're an incredible woman!

Note to my readers:
I realize my posts have been a bit on the 'down side' and I have received numerous emails of concern which I appreciate guys! Really, I think it's great that there are such caring people out there. I've been a little down (as you all noticed) and this post kind of tells you where my head was at. The death of the girl who I went to school with posed many questions in my head. I'll be back to normal in no time... I just need a mental break from everything. Thanks for all the caring emails and greeting cards that I've received. You're the best!