Saturday, May 06, 2006

Deaths and Breakups

No, this is not the chapter taken from my book. I just have to use this title to get my point across.

No matter how you lose someone--through a death or through a break up, it’s never easy. For me, it’s a constant battle of obsessive thought patterns. Redundant questions being asked over and over. “Why did they leave? Why did God take them so fast? What did I do to make him/her go away?” Things like that will probably never be answered, but I know that it takes a conscious effort to stop those thought patterns and conclude it with, “There’s a reason for everything.”

Why do some people waste three years with someone to just let them go, and others lose their loved ones after fifty years without their proper goodbyes? No one knows the answer to all of this. People go through emotions from sadness, anger, to forgiveness and contentment. “Time heals all.” It’s been said probably a million times. Of course with time, everything seems to fade. You drink too much one night, and no amount of coffee will sober you up. Only ‘time’ will sober you up. You have a nightmare, and when you wake up, it feels as though you’re still living in it. After some ‘time’ wears off during the day, you seem to forget that dream, right? I guess it’s the same with all things.

Why do we focus on what’s not there, instead of the things we already have? Do we take things for granted? Then you have that old saying, “You never know what you got until it’s gone.” Maybe we just took it for granted, maybe we just neglected to realize how important that person was to us? Whatever the reason is, it literally cannot be explained, because each individual has their own story to tell. Each person has their reasons on why the relationship ended, or why their loved ones passed over way too early before their time.

“God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

We never look at the ‘big picture’; we only see what’s right in front of us sometimes. It’s a normal human reaction that we’re comfortable with. How can we see the whole scope, when it’s not visible? Some people even lose faith in God, because something happened in their life that discouraged their beliefs in knowing that there’s a greater power out there.

“How can God let this happen? Why me?”

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.” ~Romans 5:3-4

Is it all a learning process? Is life one big learning experience? When we stumble and fall, the next five stumbles after that, we’ll learn how to pick ourselves back up quicker—and much more easily.

Or do we?

This week has been a challenging one for me. A girl I went to school with recently passed over last weekend from an accidental overdose of alcohol. She was 34 years old, leaving behind her husband and a five year old son. I was close with her sister and knew them since I was five years old.

All week, I’ve been having nightmares. Most of the time, I can’t even sleep. My thoughts have been racing constantly about life in general. It even hit home for me as well. How many nights have I dabbled way too much in alcohol, waking up with a miserable hangover? Of course the hangover stories are always funny—trying to conjure up the best bloody mary remedy, but in reality, ‘in my mind’, the same thing could happen to me—or anyone. It just takes one bad night.

My thought patterns flipped over into a break up I went through back in 2003. I literally lost someone I loved through separation. It took approximately two years to get over that. At first, I was devastated. I was in a self-destructive mode and drank myself into oblivion. I then started writing in a journal. That journal turned into my book that I recently released. It was therapeutic, but most of all, going to God with my problems helped me more than anything.

“’My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~2 Corinthians 12:9

God works best when we are weak. Sometimes we need to crash and burn before we can repair ourselves and rebuild a better foundation. Still at times, I find myself thinking about lost loved ones and the girl that I broke up with back in 2003. After a couple of years, we still continued to talk, but it was different; uncomfortable due to circumstances. It wasn’t meant for us to be together—and maybe it wasn’t meant for us to be in one another’s lives. I’ll always have a little dent in my heart for her, but it’s more like a fading scar that I’m pretty much used to—and it doesn’t bother me that it’s there. I’m glad it is. It shows how much I loved this person at one time.

Now, for a good laugh, after those past posts about homsexuality and if it's a perversion--the big debates that have been going on, please, I encourage you to head over to CP's blog and check out what she has to say about this. It's hysterical. Her humor is awesome and it's enough to get anybody out of a depression! Thank you CP! I appreciate your words of support and the email you sent over to me. You're an incredible woman!

Note to my readers:
I realize my posts have been a bit on the 'down side' and I have received numerous emails of concern which I appreciate guys! Really, I think it's great that there are such caring people out there. I've been a little down (as you all noticed) and this post kind of tells you where my head was at. The death of the girl who I went to school with posed many questions in my head. I'll be back to normal in no time... I just need a mental break from everything. Thanks for all the caring emails and greeting cards that I've received. You're the best!


luckysevn said...

Hey deb! I couldn't agree w/you more - we'll always carry a piece of those we love and have loved in our hearts... My heart was broken when I was 17 (young, I know, but I was in "love!"), and although I never really think about the guy responsible, he's in my subconscious and I have the occassional dream about him... it leaves me w/that weird feeling all the next day.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sure you're in all of our thoughts and prayers - I know you're in mine :)

Mike said...

The loss of family, friends, relationships under any circumstance is a bummer. Hugs and stuff.

├ůsa said...

Deb! You are in my thoughts and I hope you find a way to feel better. All losses are hard, but it's the dents on our hearts from people we have met, loved, lost or are still with us that have helped shaped who we are. It’s that comfort that “time” will give (as you say) eventually. But when I’m sad, I hate hearing that “time” will heal me. Let me grief for as long as I need please! And you are entitled to do the same Deb :-)


Saur♥Kraut said...

Oh honey. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I've lost some friends over the years (primarily due to car accidents). It's sobering and saddening.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Just know that you're very loved!

Miranda said...

*hugs* Im so sorry for your loss. But know she is with you in spirit, thats what I believe anyway.

steff81 said...

You're in my thoughts! Short and simple, but sometimes those are the best thoughts.

CP said...

Check your email. What I have to say doesn't need a public forum.


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Now I am in the process again. However, this time I know the answers before I ask the questions because the woman I love provided the reasons. She told me she loves me; however, she is marrying—perhaps already has—a man who is attempting to scam an insurance company for $500,000 based on an auto accident. He has promised her the money she needs to fight the expensive legal battles to regain custody of her two children from her ex-husband if—and only if—she marries him.

I fear both will be disappointed—he in the payoff from the insurance company and she in the same plus the lack of love in their marriage. I hurt for her as much as I hurt for myself.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

so sorry about your friend's sister. that is so very sad. 34 is so young. I have a story about what drugs..(the preciption kind) can do..but I wont go into that..

I have thought you seemd a bit meloncolly lately. I hope things pick up for you and you can overcome your hurdles..

love to you my dear;)

Big Mama said...

~Deb we are concerned about you all the time. You mean a lot to all of us.
I was in "love" when I graduated high school. He was beautiful, kind, smart and everything I could ever ask for in a partner. He went away to school and broke my heart. I pulled myself together and proceeded to have a terrific life. We found each other this last year and I was sad to hear that he just finished his second failed marriage and he still has no children. He loves children and has always wanted a family. My heart aches for him. I mourned him when I lost him the first time. I refuse to let him go again, he is a valuable friend. I guess I was lucky I got a second chance to let him know that my life is better with him in it. Most of us don't get so lucky. I am sorry for your loss, I'm sure we can all relate to that void. My thoughts and prayers are with you....always.

Nettie said...

Brilliant, Deb. Very insightful.

Casually Me said...

Life can be a bitch. She nags, nags, and nags...and then at the end of the day...she pulls a stunt like this. I'm about to tell her to hit the door. Great post, and on a serious note...sorry about your friends sister.

Enemy of the Republic said...


1. I am linking you to my blog. You and I right now are in some sort of intellectual/spiritual synchronicity. I'm glad Grant told me about you.

2. Time does not heal wounds. I read a book called Healing is a Choice; I also worked with the devotions and the workbook. Healing is active, not passive. I believe healing ultimately comes from the Holy Spirit, but he isn't going to always do a miracle; even the blind man that Jesus healed needed mud to first go on his eyes.

3. I lost a friend two weeks ago to AIDS. He was one of my dearest companions. Grief is hard and takes time. Jesus knows of our griefs and will help us work through them, often through others.

Okay, enough of all that. Some friends of mine just started a Christian blog called Live,Love and Ponder--the link is on my blog. I just tend to use my blog for my own issues. Thank you for writing this. You are a fine person whom God has touched; when I get paid again, I will read your book.

Leesa said...

When people who we love pass, we are saddened that we no longer have that relationship.

Sorry for your loss, sweetie!

Joe said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of her loved ones.

I think you raise a good point, and one certainly worth keeping in mind on a daily basis. I remember after 9/11 that everyone spoke of how it forced them to reprioritize thier lives, but a few weeks later everything was back to 'normal' and people began to take things for granted again. Every day, ever relationship is too precious to allow that to happen. Thanks for the reminder.

normiekins said...

so sorry about your loss precious life is....

Pittchick said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Catey Maxx said...

I asked myself pretty much the same question last week: Why do we focus on what we don’t have, instead of appreciating how much we do have? It’s something that I try to be continually mindful of. Nothing can ever be taken for granted, and yet it’s the nature of the human beast that many of us do, and without realising it. The concept that life is a ‘learning curve’ is quite central to my personal beliefs. I do tend to agree with the notion that hurdles in our life are there to test and strengthen us, and in so doing, equip us for future journeys – journeys that aren’t necessarily bad. The adage of going through the rough in order to appreciate the smooth tends to ring true. We can equate this to babies and small children. They learn to walk by falling down hundreds of times; learn the concept of ‘too hot’ by getting burned! In the same way we as adults need to embrace the fact that learning and gaining strength is a never ending process and it happens in a variety of ways – some blatent – some discreet.

God may work best when we are weak – but I genuinely believe, that we ourselves do too. I too have been involved in hideously upsetting break-ups but always, always walk away with dignity. It’s at this time that my own, personal strength comes into play – something, I may add, that others have appeared to resent in the past. As for getting pissed up and taking it out on the bottle – I understand completely how you must have felt learning about the tragic way in which your friend passed away, for which I’m sincerely sorry. I felt the same when I friend of mine past away 20 years ago in a car crash – the same night I’d driven home drunk from the same club! Needless to say, I had a serious word with myself, and yet a few years down the line I repeated the same stupid behaviour! (Which, I hasten to add, is long in the past!)

I hope your nightmares subside, as I’m confident they will. And I wish you peace and strength in your journey ☺

Shannon said...

~Deb.... (((Hugsssss)) Sweetie....tommorrow is a new day...

I have been going thru a hard time myself, but I have to believe that it is all happening for a reason, whether it's to teach me a lesson, or to switch my life onto another course... either way I will be ok, and so will you.

I am sending little angels to watch over you..**** =)

JD said...

i just lost another longtime friend, that's two in the past 3 weeks. it sure has made me think along the lines of your post much more lately. thanks for putting things in perspective and posting about this difficult subject.

Natalia said...

Losing a partner in a break-up can definitely feel like mourning. There are a few differences like when someone screws you over you are angry and miss the old person but not the ass they turned out to be as opposed to missing a love one who is dead. But I totally feel this post and I hope you feel better.



WriteWingNut said...

I'm so sorry you've been feeling down, Deb. :(

I've been feeling a little of what you're feeling (though I'm sure not even close to the same depths) after learning of a fellow homeschooling mom's death on Friday. I hadn't met her since she joined the group I was in after I moved, but it really hit close to home and I couldn't stop thinking about it all weekend.

I saw CP's post, and yours, and I left a comment on that site. I hope it doesn't offend you at all that I don't believe homosexuality is okay. It doesn't mean that I judge you, look down on you, or love you any less as a sister in Christ. Not even close.

And I think that's what's wrong with Dani. I think she's missing a key ingredient in being a good Christian....loving one another as Christ loved us.

My sister (who is 16) came out about a year ago. We always suspected she was gay (I really believe in the born gay theory because of that). I love her with all my heart, and it would kill me to know that people like Dani would think less of her, hate her, and/or name call because she is gay. :(

I'm sorry you had to be exposed to that kind of hatred. That's not Christ-like at all.

Cheetarah1980 said...

You're so right. God works best in us when we are weak. I have a tendency to think I'm strong enough to do this thing called life all by myself. It's in those times when I feel strong and thinkg, "I got this," that I experience my worst moments. It's only when I'm weak and cling to Him the most, that His power is awesomely displayed. You'd think I'd learn to just stick close to Him to always see that power, but hey I'm hard headed.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend passing away. I know what it's like to lose classmates at a young age. It makes you question everything about your own mortality.

Monica said...

Deb...take as long as you need. All of your readers who are worth their online weight (ha)will stick with you through it all. Be safe, and hey....rule number 8.

the depressed nurse said...

I needed to read that, Deb. Thank you.

Know anybody single? :)

anna said...

Well, I KNOW I posted a comment earlier, but where did it go?? HMMMMPH!

Anyway, I said that I needed to read this post, I need something positive to look forward to right now. And I thanked you for writing it. Then I made the sleazy remark about looking for someone single to drown my sorrows with................


Leesa said...

Oh, sweetie, I just heard of a friend of mine who died recently. Even saw him in a news article. Wishing you all the best!

LisaBinDaCity said...

Yup, I also am not good at endings. Never have been. Some people seem to let things like that roll off their back, and I wonder how the heck they can do that?!


messiah said...

i'm truly sorry for your loss.

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