Why, God?

Have you ever felt like you were a complete burden to other people sometimes? And maybe you're one of those types of people who never ask for help, and in turn, nobody asks you if you need help because you don't appear to need help. Maybe this isn't such a great quality of mine, but I have never asked a single person for help. I can't do it. I have had people offer help, to which sometimes I accept or don't accept -- that's not what I'm talking about. Sometimes, I'm hurting so badly, or I need help with something so desperately, and when I pick up my phone to text or call someone to help me, my fingers become paralyzed with fear. I don't need much from anyone. I sometimes wish a simple phone call asking, "Hey, Deb? You okay?" ---- That's help. You don't need to do anything other than be you and just say hi. I have been so fortunate enough to have had my in-laws be there for me when my mother passed away. Just their presence alone -- their physical presence and offers to cook something (which they don't have to) makes me feel like someone actually gives a shit. My sister-in-law stays with us on and off, and she doesn't have to do anything but grace us with her presence. Sometimes, saying nothing at all and just being there is the most important thing you can give to somebody. Sometimes, just a simple phone call -- not a text -- a phone call saying, "Hey, how are you," can be the best gift you could give somebody.

As you all know, I had and still am having a very hard time processing the loss of my mother. We lived together. We ate dinner together. We were all we had. My partner loved my mom so much too. I'm very adamant on not comparing one grief to another, but there is something a bit different when it comes to losing a loved one who you shared a house with. Her absence screams her name to come back home. Sometimes, I'm okay, and other times, I cry so hard that I start retching. I always feel nauseous. Nausea due to stress can be due to not eating, so once I eat a little something, it goes away temporarily. The physical symptoms due to grief are rough! I never knew there was a physical side that could wreak havoc -- thought more or less emotional type of stuff...and it IS emotional, don't get me wrong.

One of my siblings have been texting my wife as well as other mutual friends telling them, "Oh, Deb's having a nervous breakdown. She needs meds and professional help."


Regardless, I am on anti-anxiety medication and I see one psychiatrist and one therapist. I make an effort in order to help myself. If I don't help myself, I can't possibly help anybody else. So what am I upset about? For my sibling tell other people that *I* need help, when I'm receiving help for my anxiety, especially with going through the stages of grief is quite hypocritical, especially if you're self-medicating yourself with two bottles of wine a night. That's not the point. The point is, if your sibling seems to be having a nervous breakdown, what would you do? Maybe a phone call and ask, "Hey, are you okay?" I received nothing -- yet, I'm always the one inviting her over, cooking large dinners for her cause I know she isn't eating much or at all. I acknowledge everyone's grief, and try to help the best I can. I don't ask for much, but instead of rattling off that I'm having a "nervous breakdown" to other people who don't even know me well, maybe it's a better idea if you called the person you were so "concerned" over. But she isn't concerned. She's curious. There's a quote that says, "Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care. The rest are just curious and want something to gossip about."  I don't know who quoted that -- but it's so true sometimes. If I ever ask anyone if they are okay or if they need anything -- I mean it. And the most important thing about helping someone in any shape or form is to never brag about it or put it back into their faces once you have an argument. Give without expectations, or don't give at all.

For those who are there for me, thank you. Another quote I love is, whenever someone shows you their true colors, never try to repaint them....ever. Even my partner was taken aback by the text saying, "She's having a nervous breakdown."  And she would know this because....? She's never here. She never calls. She wants to believe that. Coping the loss of my mother has definitely made me lose my mind a little -- but isn't that kind of normal when you love someone so much and they die before you expect it? Even if death is expected, it's never expected. This has been the biggest loss of my life, so if I wanna cry and if I vomit from pure anxiety and sadness, ask me if I'm okay, don't smear my name and try to make yourself look "normal."

My advice to anyone who is going through a similar thing? Remove all toxic individuals from your life while you're grieving. People just wanna watch the entertainment of your misfortune. Most are ingenuine and this is why many people lack trust in others. I'm very disappointed, but I'm glad I found out now.

I pray that everyone involved who is mourning for my mom heals. Mom was loved by many. I pray that I somehow come to grips with my own loss. I flip-flop through the stages of grief. One day I'm like, "No! She can't be gone!" (Denial) and then go straight into the anger phase. Then it's like I accept her loss and pray to God that He'll take care of her....and then back to getting angry at God like, "Why??? Why, God???"

I'm gonna go outside on the deck and watch the rain. I'm gonna pray till I can't pray no more.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!