LGBT of Faith: Till Your Garden
I usually either ignore these messages or blast them out of the ballpark with their misery by exposing their emails. But something was different and one of my friends went into "detective mode" and found that this guy was a petty thief who had strange sexual perversions posted everywhere on his own FB account. One of his posts said that he was mentally ill and couldn't help it. Automatically, I felt bad for this man. Think about it -- you get this vulnerable mentally ill person who is relying on other people's direction. Then you get some religious zealot to help him out (to which he'll trust because he's religious) and sort of run with all the negative speech that goes along with it. It makes sense. There are two extreme sides of Christianity: one is loving, compassionate, tolerant, unconditional and forgiving (to which this is explained in Corinthians) and the other is just hateful, bigoted, revengeful and intolerant. How did this religion get so incredibly messed up? Which is right and which is wrong? Which feels right and which feels wrong. I'll let you sit on that for a while.
You can't even imagine all the hate mail I get just because I try to let people know how much God loves them. I've been called a "false prophet", "the devil himself", "a pagan", "an idol worshipper" and of course, that I'm hellhound and the list goes on and on and on. There is an underlining reason why these people write with such passion and conviction in their emails to me -- a reason that may relate to me on many levels. A reason why they are searching for answers, perhaps in a way of debate or sometimes even just inquiring about my lifestyle. In my experience, the theory about homophobes being homosexuals themselves have always proven to be true. I have seen so many people try to tinker with me, and then email me later on either letting me know they're an "ex-gay", or that they were fighting off the "demon of homosexuality" themselves. I would never release their names because they were trusted and confidential emails, but it explains a lot. I mean -- why would you even want to know about homosexuals or poke at them if you weren't curious to begin with. And right there I thought, well maybe that's a bit extreme on my part, until I started getting flooded with emails by very damaged people. And hey, we're all damaged in some way, it's just the way we deal with the "junk" in our lives.
Instead of writing another semi-political piece on the LGBT community, I decided to go to the farm to pick up some flowers and soil and get my hands dirty in the garden to make our place look nicer. I took some time off from writing just to clear my head and my soul. I took some time to recharge my battery from all that negative energy that was blasted at me. But since I now understand where it all comes from, I look at it differently now. I look at it with sympathy and wonder how long they can survive in that prison of theirs. I remember when I was "in the closet" -- it was a prison. It wasn't "me". I wasn't living "my" life -- the life I was intend to live. I tried to 'fake it till I made it' and well, I was miserable. I realize that there is much more to life than defending yourself and trying to be an advocate to those alike, but sometimes you just gotta reel it in and pamper your heart and soul with what makes you happy and peaceful. This isn't to say that I'm going to quit standing up for what I believe in. I guess for now, I'm just taking a break from the topic alone instead of debating with people who have much larger issues that I can possibly contend with.
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