Tuesday, October 26, 2010

All in My Head...

Our thoughts sometimes can prevent us from having healthy friendships and relationships on various levels. Insecurity plays a huge role, so the more self-conscious someone is, the more they may withdraw at times. I can even relate to this because this happened to me. I didn't like myself very much. With that being said, it had a negative impact on my outside relationships. I would immediately think someone didn’t like me because of ‘this’ or ‘that’, but in reality, my mind conjured up all of these false pretenses with no factual basis; just generated from self-deprecation. It was just a “feeling”. How could I love anybody else if I didn't even like myself? If I walked into a room full of straight people with my partner or perhaps, a room filled with family and friends, my mind would immediately rush into panic mode: “Are they staring at us because we’re gay? Am I too ugly? Are they not talking as much because they don’t like my partner? Do we look too much like lesbians?" All these negative thoughts drove me insane, and eventually drove me into somewhat of an isolation with certain people, only because I didn’t know them well enough, and perhaps didn’t give it much of a chance to let the relationships develop. It was all in my head.

A friend of mine & blogger named, Dawn had asked an interesting question on her facebook status the other day: “What would you do differently if you knew no one would judge you?” I thought about it for a while, although I didn’t comment on her thread. I thought, “I’d mingle much more and meet more people. I’d visit family more often. I’d open my door, even if I was in my pajamas with no make up on. I’d go to church and sit among everyone believing in the same God that I do. I’d join more groups and become more active in my community. I’d say yes to almost every invitation. I’d pick myself up off the floor each time I’d get a rejection before the depression sets in. I’d bring the garbage out in my sweatpants instead of putting on jeans and a nice shirt. I’d probably wear sneakers all the time, but I feel like I’m too short, so I need the three inch heels to give me a little height. Although I know I’d always do my hair and be presentable just to make myself feel good, I’d probably be calmer about the make up situation and become a bit more natural." All these thoughts - all in my head.

I believe our mind is our worst enemy. We worry about our age, our looks, our integrity and statuses in life. I also find that people who make fun of others, whether appearance-wise, lifestyle jokes, etc., are the ones that are the most self-conscious. They say that people who mock others upon every chance they can get are the ones that want to “look better”, so they don’t seem like the oddball out. I remember a friend of mine back in high school would make fun of every. single. kid. in our school. Funny, because he had obvious birth deformities and was seen as the “joker”, instead of the cute boy who all the girls liked. Although he was funny and humorous, he also made others look extremely bad in order to make himself look better. I always psychoanalyze people who make fun of other people’s appearances. Look deeper into it next time you see someone teasing another person or gossiping badly about them. Look deeper into their lives and you’ll most likely see a very unhappy person trying to “fit in” and look better than the person they’re speaking about. Or maybe do you think it’s all in my head?

What would you do differently if you knew no one would judge you?
What would you do if you loved yourself more?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com.