Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A Double Espresso Latte...for Here Please

A double espresso latte, one blueberry muffin, my laptop- all sitting on this round little brown lacquered table in a café down the road from me. Various people are walking inside to get relief from the cold air that’s sweeping New York this morning. Some look as though they’re preparing for their big day at the office, and others seem as though their strolling along, possibly unemployed and trying to occupy their time…like me. I have work, but it’s not enough. I have money, but it’s not enough. I’ve convinced myself that anything I have just isn’t enough. I’m grateful, but it’s not enough gratitude.

Finally, I’m in the process of moving out of my apartment that sits on top of my parents’ place. I love my parents, however, it’s time to move farther away; farther from where I grew up. I need change. There’s so much happening in my life at this time that it’s hard to say how I feel. I’m excited, because I have this place being prepared for us, a beautiful penthouse apartment with skylights, a fireplace, a beautiful kitchen with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. I’ve always told Madelene that I hated sharing a bathroom. She always insists on invading my space, regardless. We work well together. We’re best friends and most of all, I trust her 120%. Is that even possible?

With other exciting news in my life, I’m job hunting. Writing has brought in some money, but not enough to where I’m comfortable any longer. I’m going back into accounting. I miss numbers. I was good at it and it paid the bills and beyond. I’m recreating myself. After 5 years of being the “victim” of anxiety and depression, I am acknowledging that it’ll probably still be lurking around the corner, however, I’ll be working along side of it—doing my thing and coping. I will face my fears and do what I love to do---live.

A lady with a dark blue pea coat with a multi-colored scarf draped around her neck came in holding a used tissue in her hand. She let out a few mule-like coughs, as though she was moribund with a terrible cold or flu. Her hair was reddish-brown, a little blown from the wind and her eyes looked red and puffy. She has to be in her mid-thirties, probably married and stressed out from her job. She reminded me of a special person in my life that I recently had to let go of. Our relationship became tumultuous and we had to go our separate ways. It’ll be sad not having her around in my life, however, the stress, anguish and jealousy factors were enough to accept the final goodbye. So, I guess you can say I lost my best friend. I used to chuckle when I heard the phrase, “Awe, it looks like she just lost her best friend.” ...Now I know what it really feels like. I’ll deal. It’ll be fine, right? Days before, I sat in this same café, drinking the same espresso talking to my best friend, discussing ways of having a positive and healthy relationship. She asked, “Can this be our spot?” I smiled, and said of course it can. It was a place where we could talk over coffee and make each other laugh…like we used to. We haven’t laughed together for a long time. I miss that. I miss her. She’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.

People of faith are put to the test. I’ve been asking God, “Why? Why? Why?” Is this some sort of boot camp for believers? Instead of going into a deep depression, because of the frustration of finding a job and losing my best friend, I’m choosing to take on these challenges with a healthy state of mind and see the glass half full. There are positive things ahead; things that are healthy for me. I see how this messy mix will make me stronger—I really do, but sometimes I just wish it were a little easier for me. I’m looking at all the people in line with their fancy clothes, their Gucci bags and expensive lattes trying to hustle and bustle their way to their cushy 9-5 jobs. I wonder what their homes look like. I wonder how their relationships with their spouses are. Maybe I shouldn’t wonder and just focus on what I have right here: a double espresso latte, one blueberry muffin, my laptop and my ability to move forward to a healthier state of mind. It’s not so bad sitting at this table.