Monday, November 12, 2007

Bitter Cold

“Don’t cry!” my mother said, as she was consoling me last week. I’ve been hearing those words all of my life. To cry was to mean that you couldn’t handle it; you weren’t strong enough, or ‘the best will come along soon’. Some people have this misconception that I’m this hard-ass woman with no emotions whatsoever. I’m cold or unable to feel anything because I appear to be “strong”. I get all types of assumptions made about me all the time. How can I change peoples’ minds? I can’t. People leave lasting impressions---so this is mine: cold, heartless, uncaring and unable to feel.

I handle things differently than most. If I get nervous or upset, I’ll sometimes throw in a joke or two, just to make the other person lighten up and laugh a little. To them, this means I’m not caring or that I’m just casting their feelings aside and goofing around. They really don’t know me. It’s hard for me to let go of tears in front of somebody else, but do they know the amount that’s released behind closed doors? Of course not. Remember, I’m cold, heartless, uncaring and unable to feel.

These labels, which some people in my life have crazy glued me with, are starting to make me feel as though I’m not a good person. Maybe all my efforts to help other people aren’t acknowledged. Why should they? Give your gifts in secret, right? That’s what the bible tells us. What good is it? Today I thought about sending a nice little basket to somebody who was sad today; somebody going through the same thing as I am. Why? Who does those things for me? And yes, the bible also says not to expect anything in return. Well, why not? I’ve never expected anything from anyone and I feel so jaded.

I’m worn out; tired from trying to please everybody else except myself. I’m exhausted from people who drain me of all my energy. Not a single thing in my fricken life is personal; it’s everyone’s business. Nothing can be withheld from anyone. Everyone needs to know what’s happening with Deb. Everyone needs to know ‘how Deb’s doing’, not because they give a rat’s ass about me, but because they’re just so damn curious about what’s going on in my life. Where ya going? Whaddya’ doing? Who you seeing? Why you moving? Where you moving?

Sometimes I feel like screaming. Other times I feel like hiding out where nobody can find me. I’m looking forward to my big move. I’ll be able to hide out and focus on my career and life with no interruptions. I’ll be able to live life on my own with a sense of impedance; a sense of owning my life for once. I might take a few months off from people in general—go MIA for a while and gain a piece of myself back.

On my ‘to do’ list: change phone numbers, change email accounts, change living quarters, change careers, change my attitude towards certain things, change my heart and change my vulnerability to where nobody can penetrate my heart again.

I’ve become what everybody thought I was: cold, heartless, uncaring and unable to feel.

16 comments:

ann said...

Gosh Deb, I'm playing catchup; so much is going on in your life right now, but I must ask you this. Do you feel better now you've got it off your chest?

I do hope so

Taking time out is no bad thing... especially from this place. I'm spending fewer hours blogging and feel much better for it.

Good luck with the new job and the move and with getting yourself back... for you

lotsa luv ann xxxxx

Matt-Man said...

Deb: I am much like you in that I am one quick with a joke when the situation is tense. But I, even though I am one of the most sarcastic people I know enjoy a good cry and a good tirade.

My son, when he was eight went to a movie with his cousins, and afterwards told me it had a couple of really sad parts, but he tried hard not to cry because of what his cousins may think. I told him that next time, to bawl his eyes out, because it takes more courage to show one's emotions than to hide them.

Just be yourself and forget about all of the labels laid upon you, and as far as moving on to a new location, that's great, but don't use it as a geographic answer to whatever may be troubling you.

Cheers!!

DaBich said...

"I’ve become what everybody thought I was: cold, heartless, uncaring and unable to feel."

Uh....wanna try again, cuz dis biatch aint' buying it ;)

HUGZ Deb, I'm pulling for ya and praying for ya.

kathi said...

Ditto dabich. I don't believe it. I know it's how you're feeling right now, but you're letting life blur your vision some. I'm sitting a bit back, out of your fog, and I can see that you're not this person you're claiming right now. Your heart is precious, not hard or cold. Your spirit is great, not small.
You may be able to change your surroundings, but you can't change who you are at your core; a child of the most high. When Christ was up on the cross, it was you He saw, and He gave all that He had gladly for you, because you are worth that much to Him. Your roots are strong in Him...regardless of how strong the storms winds may blow you about...your roots are grounded in Him.
I love you. I love you. I honestly love you.

Sue said...

All I can offer you now is a hug and hope that all these issues will resolve themselves over time.....healing reiki coming your way

~Deb said...

All my writer friends keep me sane! I love you guys! Thank you.

J R Estelle said...

Speaking from experience, it's very hard to put your heart out there and to have it handed back to you, broken. And sure it takes time, but the emotion comes back, the feeling comes back, it all comes back. Besides, cold and heartless, you? I think not.

Art said...

Nah... I don't believe it either. But "worn out.. from trying to please everybody else except myself" - that I believe! Taking care of yourself doesn't make you cold and heartless, Deb.

Lupideloop said...

Someone once told me... "if when you be kind to a person, that person does not appreciate it, be kind anyway!"

I have tried to follow that as much as possible in life, but it tends to pave the way for more pain.

However Deb, when it comes to the last... at least you would have done your best... and you can truly be proud about that!

Chin up and don't shut your heart away..... its too precious!

jennifer@newyorkcity.com said...

Wow! that's an intense post for sure. No one can penetrate your heart unless you let them. I doubt you're that cold. Someone else can only "own" your life if you let them. If it takes changing your identity completely go ahead. It sounds a little bit like running away, but if that is what you need... well, you know best.

GW Mush said...

I cant penetrate Deb's heart but I can tickle it!

tickle tickle!

Deb, I joke also when people might want everything to be serious. Its not your fault that they are grumpy farts that cant see a light comment for what it is.

Ohhhh, if you change your email, make sure that I get your new address, and you can hide it from all the nosybodies, just make sure that ' I ' get it!!!! hehe

Deb? by the way..
Where ya going? Whaddya’ doing? Who you seeing? Why you moving? Where you moving?

hehehe:)

LORD MANILA STONE said...

if you keep changing everything about yourself to please other people, i think that is a nice try but it's like telling yourself to forget DEB...^^

~Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~Deb said...

You’re right. I feel like running away, but I think of it as more of a little ‘getaway’ from the world for a while… But, as always, if anyone ever needs me, they know how to reach me. I’m always there.

And the quote or biblical scripture: "if when you be kind to a person, that person does not appreciate it, be kind anyway!"

God knows I have done this. But, I still keep plugging along trying my best to be kind even if it isn’t reciprocated.

Some people make me feel as if I’m this cold hearted monster, just because things didn’t ‘go their way’, or I have made a choice they didn’t approve of. It doesn’t even have to do anything with them, it’s just that they don’t want me to go in a certain direction for whatever reason.

I’ve tried to please everyone, but I’m realizing I just can’t. I’m going to make the decision to be content making my own decisions for my own life and not worrying about the peanut gallery’s “suggestions”.

Thanks so much for your input and support. I truly do appreciate it. Sorry I’ve been such a drag lately. I’ll pep up soon enough!

Just_because_today said...

Good Lord, were you describing me here?

I read this post with tears running down my face.

Deb said...

Just because today: You know everything... This was one of the worst times of my life. You know all too well. {{hugs}}