Monday, October 03, 2005

Sounds of the Season

Tossing and turning, Sunday morning at 9am, I reached over to Madelene’s side to realize she wasn't there. I was still too exhausted from having back pain all night. I struggled to pull myself up. Rubbing my dry eyes so I can see what’s in front of me, I begin to hear something really strange; almost bazaar-like. What is this noise? I walk out into the hallway, and into the living room to realize the TV was blaring polka music.

“What the? Who the? Huh? Oh no no no no no!” I said, running over to the remote controls to quickly change this awful sound. I then forgot that Madelene loves “Sounds of the Season” satellite station, on the music channel. Usually, she puts this on during the holiday season. Fine. I can handle a little Jingle Bell Rock, what I can’t handle is polka accordion music being blasted throughout the entire house when I first wake up. She must have had some huge crack pipe dangling out of her mouth that morning. I wasn’t having it.

“Good morning sweetie! I made you breakfast!” Madelene says, as she walks into the living room. I just sat there, and gave her a blank stare.
“Polka music, Mad? POLKA???” I said, in a jokingly way.
“Ah, I just love this time of year! I thought I’d wake you up with some ‘happy music.’”
“Happy music? I wanted to slit my wrists when I walked in here!”
I said in a cynical tone.

She was way too happy this morning. She’s usually euphoric-like on her days off. I want to see her reaction when I start playing the same music loudly when she is getting ready for work. I don’t think it’ll make her happy that day for some odd reason. It’s quite a blessing that she wakes up so cheerful. I sometimes wake up without saying one word, until after my first cup of coffee. You can say it—I’m a big grouch.

We sat outside on our deck to have breakfast. To those who know me will disagree with that sentence right there. Yes, I did sit outside, because it was cool out. No bees. I’m deathly afraid of bees. I detest them. They’re mean, they’ll sting you for no reason. Don’t tell me, “Oh well if you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you." Wrong! These little suckers will attack at any given time. Now they are trying to nest, and sometimes they will just zap you because you’re simply ‘alive’ and it irritates them.

Madelene and I sat out there talking for hours. We realized it was noon, and jumped in the shower. Well, one at a time. Get your minds out of the gutter. We got ready not knowing what we were going to do. As I waited for Madelene to get ready, I decided to go see my mother downstairs and see what she was doing. I invited her out to lunch to this outdoor bar & grill to watch the Yankees and Red Sox. Did I forget cocktails? Of course they were included!

“You dirty hairy beast! Ugh!” Madelene says at the TV screen above the bar, as they show a shot of Johnny Damon.
“You know, Johnny Damon is a very good looking man, in spite of his hair growth problem. So what he looks like a caveman---did you get a good look at his wife though? Wow!” I said, finishing off the last remains of my beer.
“He’s disgusting. Don’t you remember when they showed him clipping his toenails while playing in the World Series last year? He’s gross Deb! I don’t know how you would think he’s good looking! Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gave him a make over once, and he looked 'halfway' decent…but not good looking!”

My mother sat there listening to her lesbian daughter and her partner arguing over if a ‘man’ is good looking. Maybe she thought there’s hope for me after all? As I said in previous posts, I can admire the beauty of a man. I think men are beautiful when they take pride in their appearance. I look at men, but not in a sexual way. I look at them like a piece of art; not a piece of @ss. When I go to Provincetown, Massachusetts, the gay men are to be awed at. The drag queens are to be envied! I could only dream to look even remotely as good as those beauties.

We left the bar & grill to head home. We continued our cocktail hour out on the patio. A ton of crows were on my lawn having a rally. The leader of the pack ‘caaw’d’ several times, then stopped; then the rest of the pack started caaw’in in unison as if they were protesting something.

“What the?” Look at them Mad! It’s like a mini Hitler and his gang. I’ve never seen such a show being displayed out on the lawn before!"
“That’s a sign. This means something.”
Mom says, getting her psychic hat on.
“Ma, it’s not going to rain—it’s not in the forecast.”
“No, something is wrong, I can feel it, this is a sign.”

“I don’t know.” Mom replies.
I shake my head, looking at Madelene.

“Debbie!” My father calls from within the house.
“What dad?”
“Go inside my gun cabinet and get ma’crow cawla!”
“Dad, they’re already here, why would you want them any closer?”

“Watch ya stupidja! You’ll get more crows. I used to use dis’when I went hunting all da’time. You don’t wanna believe me doe’.” He says, all frustrated with my disbelief.
“Fine dad, I’ll get it.”

I rush inside to open his gun cabinet. I’ve never opened this cabinet before. I never knew I would have a need to do this. I felt awkward. I opened the glass door, blew the dust off the tapes that were sitting there. They were discolored and faded out from age.
“Ugh, I’m probably gonna get some weird & nasty disease just by touching these old cruddy tapes!” I said to myself, surprised they weren’t eight tracks.

I walk back outside to put the tape in the cassette player and blasted this puppy. Oh my poor neighbors!

After each caaw’ there were a bunch of eagle calls on it as well. I didn’t understand why there were more than one bird on here.

“Dad, what’s that other sound?”
“It’s an eagle attacking a nest of crows.”
He says, as he watched the lawn, expecting more crows than we already had.

Each and every crow that were parked on my lawn flew away in fear. Of course they would flee, why wouldn’t they? An eagle was at large! No wonder my father never caught anything hunting. The most alarming question in mind was, why was he hunting for crows in the first place? (Scratching head)

The sounds of my neighbor’s dogs viscously barking non-stop was now giving me a migraine more than the crow calls were. I turned this awful noise off. I’d rather listen to polka.

My friend Lisa and I always laugh when we see a crow. She is from New Jersey, near the city almost. She rarely hears birds over there. The first evening she spent the night at our house, she was awakened by a loud "caaw". A crow was outside her window. She poked fun saying that I lived in the jungle. She heard birds that sounded as though she was in the deep jungles of Africa. They were probably sparrows she never heard.

I even went out to buy her a puppet crow that actually had a loud “caaw” sound. She still has it. She was hysterical when I gave it to her. Now she can have the luxury of listening to a crow anytime she wants.

I called her up to show her the crow tape. She laughs, but not as hard as I thought she would.
“Deb, I just got home from the hospital. I had an allergic reaction to something, I can’t figure out what it’s from.”
“Did you eat shrimp or anything of that nature?”
I asked, knowing she loves her shrimp.
“Yeah, I did actually, but I think it may be my shower curtain.”
“Your shower curtain?”
“Yeah. I need to change it.”
She said, seriously thinking that a shower curtain would make her rush off to the hospital in need of steroids and Benedryl.
“You may want to get checked for allergies by your doctor.” I suggested.
“Yeah, I should. My girlfriend is making me shrimp scampi right now, so I am going to eat, and sleep the rest of this stuff off.”
“What? She's making shrimp?”
I said, almost in shock!
“Lisa---my sister Cathy always ate shrimp and shellfish. Then one day, she became allergic to it. Don’t you think it may be the shrimp, if anything?”
“Naw, I’ll be okay, I’ve been eating this stuff forever.”
She says, in a calm voice.

Now that I have brought up Lisa, I need to go call her to check up on this poor soul. I feel bad that she had an allergic reaction, but for the love of God---why would you eat something that may have given you an allergic reaction?...


LisaBinDaCity said...

Whew, I thought you were talking about me for a minute! Some other Lisa not moi :-)

Anyhoo, polka music is truly scary and to hear it first thing in the morning would totally freak me out!!!!!!

~Deb said...

I have many "Lisas" in my life, and it's funny, cause I put their first initial of their last name to explain 'who' I'm referring to. Lisa B, Lisa C, Lisa D, etc... I love ""all"" my Lisas in my life! ;)

Anonymous said...

Polka, baseball, hairy men, crows, and allergies. What a day. I am still having trouble getting passed the fact that you were waiting for Madelene to get ready. That in and of itself is most amazing --- knowing how long you take to shower, primp and lotion!

I am thinking that your father had that tape because he might have known a lot of people in his day that needed to eat some crow! Or perhaps he prefers to think of himself as the eagle, very strong and intimidating. Must be nice to be able to press a button, and have your annoyances disappear!
Ask him what other tapes he has in his gun cabinet. Maybe there is something I could use to ward off crazy lesbians.

So, I am wondering if you were able to determine the sign of the crows before you scared them away. I am also wondering if today there will be double the amount on your lawn, ready to fight the eagle. Perhaps they liked the polka music. And how is it when your mom said there is a sign you said it's not going to rain???? Haha, ok birds of a feather flock together. I think they were just taking over for the bee's.


~Deb said...

Lisa B---Meet another "Lisa"...(above) Although it is not the "Lisa" I was referring to.

Listen, "LP", ....I don't have luxurious hair like you. I need to put a ton of junk in my locks in order for it to look as though I'm a human being, and not Johnny Damon.

Very very very creative comment. "Eat crow"--I never heard someone use that term before, until I met the 'old crow'...(oops) (((muah)))) You know I love ya!

You make fun of me, saying I'm an old lady for saying "anywhoo", so don't be upset when I make fun of you.

Thanks for your amusing comment! :)

kathi said...

Polka, cocktails and caawwing, what a Sunday!
Okay, what I want to know is, why is your back in pain, who is Johnny Damon and why does your dad have bird tapes?
Oh, and how come you get to sleep in till 9? That, alone, makes me jealous as hell.

Anonymous said...

You never heard of eat crow? Hmmmm, ask tu padre, he'll have a better explanation than mine, I am sure.

When someone says the wrong thing, does something wrong to you, or a combination of both and then comes back to you wanting forgiveness, they have to eat crow. You know like eat the crappy words they spoke to you.

I don't have luxurious hair, far from it, I am almost bald if you don't remember. But never-the-less I see you got my point on why it was soooooo very hard to understand that you were waiting for Madelene!

nice to meet you lisa b
and thanks to you my dear blogging friend for giving up my secret identity! ;)



Tanisha said...

Hey Deb,
I don't see my name under interesting bloggers.. My feelings are hurt.. Sob sob sob..;
Now you are the third lesbian republican I have met. That is strange. that is like a black republican.. hmmmm
You need to get that checked out girlfriend.. Teehehee

~Deb said...

1.My back is in pain due to PMS...and in need of a new bed.

2.Johnny Damon is one of the players for the Boston Red Sox. A very hairy man.

3.Dad has birds tapes from his hunting days.

4.We got to sleep in, because it was Sunday. No kids, so no worries. ;)

LP: I think you ate lots of crow since you've been friends with me...(hehe) Ummm, you are not bald you moron! Your hair is gorgeous. Are you going to make me put a picture of you on my blog and REALLY reveal this anonymous lp person? Don't tempt me...because I will!

Tovah: I am having problems with my blogroller (no ab roller) haven't used that--- well we won't get into it. I just added you now, I had you on there until you changed your url, so it's back up and running! Sorry about that! You're one of my favorites too!
Also, I do lean 'right' in the political sense, however I'm much more of a moderate. I shouldn't even talk politics--bad conversations to be had, you know? Worse thing to talk about with people are politics and religion-- but my mouth keeps running about my religion, ... Ah well.

Tanisha said...

Second part is finally up

Cherry said...

Awww, that was very sweet of Madeline to make you breakfast, but I would be upset about the polka music too. Accordians should be outlawed!! :)

Anonymous said...

So now I am a bald annoyance? I remember the days when you were wishing I was going mock 90 down Rt 17 just to see you! You know in fact that it is your hair which is truly beautiful, mine, on the other hand is simply a string mess, that I think I will begin to slick back and take on a new persona. Have we come to threats these days. So much for the peaceful liberal lesbian, who likes to argue pointless topics and make us all go hmmmm. Well I have a few pics myself, but I dare not say bring it on........................

Net's word said...

Hi there - the sounds of life are not always pleasant to our ears. My husband used to have the radio alarm set to news - loud horrible news. I told him if he wanted me to sleep in the same bed that would have to stop - I can't stand waking up to harsh sounds. Just shoot me. I used to hate the sound of the crows until I learned that crows flock together in families - for some reason I like that. Around here they caw away when the racoons are around and they actually bombard pedestrians at nesting time if they get too close to their nests. OUCH!!!Currently the crows in our area are picking the neighbors hazel nut tree clean. They then drop the nuts to the pavement over and over again to crack them open. Our street is littered with nut shells. Also we have a McDonalds nearby so the crows pick up the garbage there and fly over to our roof to eat it. They pick away on the roof top and drive little Sophia nuts with their hammering sounds. That's all I have to crow about today.

HS said...

What? You don't like Polka? I'm Ukrainian born and bred, so I guess Polka music doesn't bother me because I've been raised with it...and I'm the polka queen to boot! (but I like to

I agree, I've made jewelry for drag queens here in Winnipeg and its amazing how those guys transform themselves! The shows they put on are amazing too!

My dad would have shot the crow...he seems to think that if there's a dead crow on the other crows will come by...just another one of my dads 'quirks'. lol

Romeo Jensen said...

okay we went from polka music to bees with an attitude to your dad calling for crows... does that about sum iit up?
next time add some pirates and make it a musical... i heart musicals

now about this "men are pieces of art"... how do i rate on the deb scale??

you mean you dont think id make a good piece of ass?

~Deb said...

Tovah: Politics = bad friendships... blah

Cherry: VERY sweet of Madelene to make breakfast----but don't forget, I make some great dinners! Nevertheless, still grateful of her generosity.

LP: You know you're hot. In fact, you just pissed me the hell off with your self pity... You're a total babe and you know it. This calls for some PICTURE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about seeing some hot Lisa P photos????????????????????????????

(heheheheheee)Next post!

Net: Hazelnut tree? I feel like putting my cup of coffee under it and getting some flava! :) The worse thing is- besides starving crows are those seagulls that rummage around the beaches. We go to the Hamptons, and when we go to an outsid beachbar/seafood joint, we're flooded with them. Worse than crows! I actually have a pet seagull that stays at my beachouse named Sylvia. My mom named him. Don't ask. Just a reguluar seagull like myself trying to get my fix!

Heather: Nothing like seeing a beautiful woman with an accordian on her chest...............Romey baby---you with me here? hehehehe!
Ukrainian, huh? Strong like bull, aye? (roll the tongue for the Ukrainian effect) hmm.. wrong terminalogy---however, I used to date this RuDsKy woman (my first actually) who turned my whole world around,...............I wish there were more of 'you'... I would turn to polka in a hearbeat! Damn!

Romey: You are a masterpiece. I wouldn't put you in any other catagory. Let me just say this. "As a lesbian"----------HEATHER has GOOD taste!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Does that sum it up for you? Both of you are such a beautiful couple!

Anyone with me on this?

Net's word said...

Hey Deb - this is an after thought - but did you ever read Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Great story - I think you would enjoy it - Maybe your seagull is related to Jonathan? Hmmmmm?

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jessie(female) said...

it is truly amazing isnt it? how other people's lives and useless comments seem to feed whatever it is within us that thrives off of chaos. i came across ur site while researching and 30 min. later had to remind myself what project i was working on. of course, any gay/lesbian article labels attract me, naturally, but i was almost dumfounded by the simple fact you held my attention through a freakin website when my instructors cant do that by putting their face in mine. u must truely be and extraoridary being and only hope that their are plenty more people like you

~Deb said...

Net, never read that before, I have to check it out. Thanks for the reference!

Jessie, THANK YOU! What a nice compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed the post.

Ted Pack said...
"I begin to hear something really strange; almost bazaar-like."
Bazaar is the place you haggle for silk and spices. Bizarre is "very strange".