Monday, October 10, 2005

Public Notice

“Turn here!” Madelene says, as we’re swerving in and out of the aisles of the mall’s parking lot.
“Ugh! I hate that!” I said, frustrated over the fact that there was a short car deceiving me of a parking spot. Being that it was Columbus Day, sales were on the rise, and so were the crowds of people rushing in. I desperately needed new comfortable shoes for work and some new clothes for vacation next week. My feet hurt, my back hurt, and I was not in the mood to struggle my way through crowds today. I had a hangover from the night before, which left my stomach feeling queasy and my head a bit too fuzzy to concentrate.

“Oh look Mad, this woman is about to go to her car!” I said, in a stalker-like voice. I literally followed this poor woman and her two kids to her car. I am sure she knew we were desperate for a parking space, but the fact that I was driving real slowly behind her didn’t ease that awkwardness of, ‘get off my fricken back you moron’! I would have thought the same.

“Lovely.” I said, watching the woman take her sweet time getting out of the parking lot I had been stalking. I know this strategy. It’s called revenge. When someone is following me for a parking lot, I take my sweet time getting out. You stalk---you wait. It’s almost the same as when someone is crossing the street, and you are in a rush. The pedestrian sees that you are in a rush, but somehow decides to walk much slower than he/she would have, if you weren’t in such a hurry. Everybody on the street in an enemy. Road rage happens all the time. People are so tough in their moving vehicles, flipping you the bird and lip synching obscenities through a sound-proof window; until they come to a stop sign or a traffic light. Fear sets in, wondering if now is the best time to bail out and run for the hills.

“AH! Finally!” The lady I stalked has pulled out of the parking lot with her tiny Mini Cooper, so I can squeeze my giant SUV into the same spot. Feeling much like a sardine in a pool of cars, I try squeezing out of the door so I wouldn’t hit the other vehicle parked next to me. I usually curse people who park so close, but what can I do? There were no parking spaces available. I was my own enemy.

Having a touch of agoraphobia along with all my other mental disabilities, I try to manage walking through the massive crowd of people. We need some order here. The malls don’t have any rules or regulations on ‘which side you should be walking on’…I think it should be like a road, drive on the right side of the lane, and go with the flow. Don’t go against the grain. This is where you bump into that big broad who has ‘had it up to here’ with rude people.

“Watch where you’re going!!!” She shouts, as her shoulder crashes into mine. I claim this as a no fault. You need insurance to be walking around these crazy malls. Then you have the people with their strollers…who are walking in front of you…who have all day to mosey around window shopping. Get me? I seek out strategic ways to maneuver myself ahead of them…but it doesn’t work. I have Madelene walking aside of me. I have to somehow maneuver her with me too. She’s too busy 'moseying along' like this other woman and her ten kids. Ugh.
“I have to use the ladies room.”
“Okay, let’s go upstairs, they have a public one there.”
Madelene says.

Escalators. What a horrible invention. I usually walk myself up these moving stairs, but somehow, I feel bad, because everyone else is just standing there, letting this huge conveyer belt move them along. Again, it’s all about ‘going with the flow’. My hands never touch that rubber railing. How many people have been holding on to this thing? The germs! Time for the liquid hand sanitizer. I reach in, and rub this stuff frantically, hoping to kill every little specimen that I picked up on this escalator.

I hear angels calling. I see a light! It’s the restroom area! My bladder is dancing a happy song, as I rush to go inside the ladies room. Walking closer and closer to the restroom, I notice the foul smell of sewage wafting through the thick warm air. I also notice that Madelene has stopped walking with me. Apparently she didn’t have to go. Maybe, she just didn't want to inhale someone's lunch that went wrong...

“Here, I’ll hold your bags Deb, you go in, I don’t have to go.”
“Uhh, okay…thanks.”
I said, as I started to walk into the warm funky air that engulfed every part of me. I waited for a stall. The air was thick, warm, and smelled like baked ass. I couldn’t take it. I tried breathing through my mouth, then thought, “Ew, no, I don’t want to ingest this crap.” Literally... People were washing their hands and throwing the paper towels at the garbage---missing it, only due to rushing out of this stink hole. There was water everywhere; which to me, spells out B*A*C*T*E*R*I*A C*I*T*Y!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman finally exits one of the stalls. Hmm, she’s really cute, dressed nicely, so the toilet must be ‘okay’ if she just walked out. I felt safe. I was wrong. The smell was more potent, and I started to dry heave. Oh my God, I’m going to throw up! I can’t believe this! Do I throw up in the toilet, or do I just projectile my vomit over the stall into the next bathroom? I try holding my breath longer. I’m going to reek of ass when I walk out of here. This is not good. I made the huge mistake of sitting on the toilet. What do these women do? Smear their nastiness all over the entire seat? I don’t get it. The entire seat left the back of my legs wet. It’s all about levitation when using one of these public bathrooms ladies.

Men---you have it so easy. Damn you!

Finally, I get the hell outa’ that stall, to go wash my hands.
“What?” I look at the counter full of paper towels and puddles of water, and then notice that the faucets had to be held down while washing your “one” hand. What is the purpose of this? You literally have to hold down the nozzle, to wash one hand. It’s impossible. How can one hand wash itself? Time for the liquid hand sanitizer that’s stashed in my purse. Always carry one around—I really mean that. I know I am OCD'ing it, but who knows what nasty bug is lurking in those misty bathrooms. Ew.

I flew out of there feeling so dirty. I was in no mood to continue shopping. That was it. I wanted to go home.
“You okay, Deb?”
“I feel sick. I want to go home now.”
I said, pouting like a little whiney kid.
“Okay, I’ll drive.” Madelene says, being so patient with me.

The cure of this whole awful situation? Online shopping. I will not go into a mall anytime soon, unless it’s on a Wednesday morning when everyone is at work. I’ve had it. No more. I’m going to click my way to a better wardrobe.

26 comments:

kathi said...

Have you seen 'Monk'?? You are the funniest thing! AND YOU SAT ON THE SEAT??? WTF??? OMG, that just is a huge great big ole NASTY!! And then your legs are wet, puhleeeze, just shoot me now. And you BREATHE through your MOUTH??? I just can't take it, gotta just lay down and give up the ghost now! Okay, here's what we've got to do. I'm going to have to come up and give you public bathroom lessons. Till then..get paper towel when you first go in and put it down on the seat (if you have to sit) in case they don't have seat liners. Then when you get out, get more towel and use it to turn off and on the water, in case it isn't sensored. Then you've got the towel to wipe your hands with or get more towel. Use it to open the door and throw it away on the way out. Twenty bucks please...that's including the 25% friendship discount. You're welcome.

love you deb, hug's!!

BigBill said...

Hey first time on your blog...HOLY SHIT!! Are you OK?
After reading this I remember why I got married... To have and to hold...NO it should be more like to listen and agree..
I think it's great that you can express yourself like this but man oh man you need to chill and just let things go on life and try to enjoy it more. I love to people watch and I would have followed you around the whole day. Hell I would have lined myself up and bumped shoulders with you just to see your expression.
I'm not being mean I just know a few people who like you are disturbed or set back by other people and am very interested by them. Keep on blogging. With yur permission I think I will have to stop by this blog here more often. Bye.

~Deb said...

Kathi:

HAHA! You're a trip. I'll send the check in the mail for your services......let me explain.

1. SENSOR everything. The toilet even flushed by itself. No using the good ol' foot to flush--it flushes right when I got my fat bum off the slimy seat.

2. I sat down, because my back is out. So if I slightly bend over, DOWN I GO! lol

3. Breathe through the mouth? I didn't want fecal particals roaming into my mouth. The nose has some sort of filters--I think nose hairs. Hmm, I have to trim those! And no, I never seen "Monk"...

BigBill: Hiya! Thanks for stopping in. :) Yes, I am a bit of a nut, but the medication is starting to kick in. I no longer wash my hands 55 times per day.......for no apparent reason. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, right? Ah well. Whaddya' gonna do? Thanks for your comment, come by any time, however, try not bumping into me, okay???? ;)

kathi said...

deb ~ noooooo, you said you breathed through your mouth...YUK!!
Is there a woman alive that doesn't do the foot flush when it's not sensored? I had a friend one time that lost her clog in the toilet foot flushing...now THAT is nasty! Made me very careful...but I can't imagine using my hand...again, YUK. Now that that's been brought up, I wonder what my boys do. LOL, gonna ask them when they get up.
Hug's darlin!

kathi said...

Oh, and watch Monk one time, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Anonymous said...

You know I just can't seem to get passed the baked ass comment. I have been in some pretty vile bathrooms myself, but baked ass? Is this something you have much experience with? Pretty Gross. Did you ever think of lifting your shirt to cover you nose? Holding your breath?

I can only assume you sat on the seat because you were feeling faint and your mind was elsewhere. How much of your hand sanitizer did you rub on your leggs???? Well if it is any consolation they say that it is cleaner to wash a bunch of carrots in your toilet bowl than to clean them in your kitchen and cut them on your counter. So I think your ass is ok should anyone want to take a bite --- unless of course it has been baked.

lp

HS said...

Ew! I hate bathrooms like that! I'm such a germ-a-phobe!

I wasn't really until one day I was on the sky train in Vancouver and there was this dirty woman who was picking these infected scabs on her face, and then eating them!?!?! UGH! Then she was touching everything with those fingers...

I didn't touch anything else while in Vancouver and I always carry my anti bacterial lotion on me now for when I find myself in those situations of public grossness...

kathi said...

HEATHER!!! i COULD HAVE GONE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT THAT STORY!!!

Doublebogie said...

What a HOOT! I can understand the slight OCD getting through there. I work in a state prison so I'm constantly washing my hands but with probably more of a good reason. Lotta real bad yuckies in there. I just LOVE the way you can tell an ordinary day event into a thriller novel! LMFAO!
Hey! You'd love this site I found the other day....
Http://bonfireofthevanityrooms.blogspot.com
They should put that in there as an entry.
Your site is, without a doubt, the best part of my day!
Keep 'em coming sweetie!

Doublebogie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Doublebogie said...

That deleted comment was mine
SORRY! I accidently posted it twice.
(I just really wanted an excuse to come back again) he he

~Deb said...

Kathy: Never heard of Monk...what channel is that on?

lp: Naw, no lifting of the shirt, just trying to hold my breath before I nearly pass out...Baked ass---it's just because that bathroom for some reason was a hot oven, and it smelled like........ass!

Heather sweetie: I agree with my Kathi------I could have gone without hearing the scab gobbler. Ew!!!!! Did she at least share?

Doublebogie: Hiya sweetie! Wow---you work for a state prison? That must be challenging..... I bet there is a lot of nastiness floating around in there. I'm going to check out that site you gave me. I hope you do come back! :)

Scarlett O'Hara said...

LMAO!!! oh my god i needed this laugh!! so funny!! and i just had a similiar experience at WalMart a couple weeks ago! LOL....the bathroom was soooo nasty...and duck tape holding everything together! My hubby came out of the men's room saying he had to hold up the urinal with one hand so he could go! LOL...i came out of the ladies room cursing him for being lucky enough to have a dick so he didn't have to sit down to pee!

ps - i could have done without that scab comment too! tee hee...that's just gross!

~Deb said...

Yeah sometimes I get penis envy too---believe me, with episodes like these, yeh... :)

Romeo Jensen said...

yeah okay so first... I drive a UPS truck all freakin day in the middle of PittsEffinBurgh so "jerkface drivers" and trying to find a parking space... yeah... fealin ya... as to the public restrooms... see us guys... number one if all the sthals are full... we just take a wizz in the sink... the only problem with that is if you get some on your fingers... I know... gross... cause you cant wash up in the sink now can you... no... I find the best way to get pee off of your hands is to rub it on those rubber handrails they have alongside escalators

~Deb said...

Oh Romey---yuck! You know something, in gay bars, they have unisex bathrooms, where both men and women can go into-----and I had that feeling that the men were peeing in the sink! YUCK!

Now I will never touch an escalator rubber railing. *sigh* You have just increased my OCD madness.

Thanks! :)

kathi said...

First of all, Romey...you're in a truck with no doors...just aim out and pee! Men...is it so hard?? Women would take so much more advantage of a penis than men do.

Deb, Monk is on USA. & I just sent an email off to you. HUG'S

~Deb said...

I tell you one thing, if I see an UPS truck springing a leak out the door-----I'm gonna only stick with Fedex.

I am going to check my email Kath---never saw Monk.

The Seeker said...

LMAO... sorry, can't help it.

LisaBinDaCity said...

Online shopping is fun! I'm getting into it more and more. Sure beats dealing with the cold, rain, mall traffic etc.. I must say though I do like to go to shopping sometimes too just for the experience of trying things on, seeing the sale stuff in person etc..

~Deb said...

the seeker: Laughter is the best medicine, even if it means, laughing "at" me. ;)

LisaB: UGH I hate trying things on! That alone, makes me want to jump online and buy clothes. Dressing rooms are disgusting too. Believe me, when I was younger, I worked for a clothing store in retail, and the things that people do in a dressing room---OMG, -----from urinating, taking a crap and used condems---- you name it, I saw it all. Beware. ;)

BigBill said...

Do you hold your breath when you walk past other people?
My Sister-in-law said something about that years ago and it just stuck in my mind. I can understand the reasoning and sometimes I fell like wow this person coming at me look like a disease and I am gonna hold my breath when we pass.... But I recall her saying she did it a lot and I am trying to figure out what kind of paranoid world she lives in and how difficult it must be....Any reply?
I'm not making fun I just like to understand people I don't judge I like to make people feel comfortable. Like Patch Adams when he acted like he saw the squirels in the room with his physico roomate at the hospital...

~Deb said...

BigBill: Here's the problem sweetie. #1. You're going to make me say a very controversial statement here........so here it goes........

People stink. What kind of people? People who don't hold up with their appearances usually stink. If they don't care about how they look, they are certainly not going to care about their hygiene.

It's all about hygiene. Now, for me.......when I see a beautiful person, whether it be a male or female, ....I know they're going ot be smelling good. I don't hold my breath.

If I see someone who looks quite dirty & dingy, and basically looking like a fricken bag of laundry, you betchya I'm gonna hold my breath walking passed them.

Unpleasant scents aren't nice. It scares me, because when there's oders, there's germs. Think about it.

Hmmm....I wouldn't quite compare it to people who are in a psyche ward....I would like to think that it's just "common sense"....in all the meaning of that word.

Chrissie said...

"smelled like baked ass." LMFAO ... OMG you crack me up!

The wet seat... that happened to me at work a few weeks ago! There are only like... 5 women in the whole place so I generally don’t use the liners there most times. This particular time I was in a BIG hurry, had been doing the peepee dance for a little bit before i could get away from my office! So I ran in the stall, slammed the door, hiked up the skirt and sat... WTF?! OMG. I felt sick.

So i went back in the office and told my co worker, "Paulo must have been cleaning the bathroom."

"Why do you say that? Its only 2 pm?

"Seat was wet, bet he was cleaning the toilet and dripped some water on there... right?"

"Chrissie... I don’t think he was..."

"PAULO WAS CLEANING THE BATHROOM AND DRIPPED WATER! SHUT UP!"

LOL we all knew it wasn’t true but it did save me from chuckin my lunch!

becca said...

Ugh, you should have bitch slapped rude ppl!

I'm as a hygiene freak as you are! You stand on the toilet seats? If things are so dirty, may try that, but make sure you have a good sense of balance. Or just do the lowering your ass to cover just the very front of the seat but not seating on it entirely and do your business!

Anonymous said...

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