Choosing Life Through Repentance

There's really nothing you can say when somebody loses their favorite person in the world to a horrible disease. Some say, the worst kind of grief is losing a child, and others say the worst kind of grief is losing a mother or father. I say, the worst kind of grief is losing someone who had your heart, whether it be your spouse, parent, child or sibling. Even losing a close friend is absolutely devastating. Loss can be devastating to many people. Even the final loss of our childhood home was traumatic for everyone in my family. Just because I still lived there because we were caring for mom and dad doesn't mean those in my immediate family who didn't live there didn't feel the heartbreaking pain of the thought of, "I can never return there ever again." My sisters mourned over the loss of our childhood home because it symbolized our youth, our togetherness, our upbringing, our family holidays, lazy Sundays sun worshipping by the pool---all in all, it symbolized, "home." God promises us that whatever we lost in our lives, that He will give us recompense for our troubles. It's when we lose all hope in our mindset is when we stumble. We have to be prisoners of hope, to be able to be released from the prison of grief, anxiety and depression.

I haven't been blogging for quite some time. I've been focusing on my other work, like my editing and advertising, but my will to write somehow got lost with my prolonged grief. I haven't been broadcasting either, which I always enjoyed doing. I feel the urge lately, but something inside me just can't press the "go live" button just yet. So this is my first attempt to grabbing onto my "new normal" as I've been having a difficult time with my anxiety lately. The transition of moving from one home to another really startled my little noggin. And when your mind isn't right, your heart isn't right either. So needless to say, each morning I still wake up with a racing heart, but I push through it knowing that if God needs me back home, then that's what I'm gonna trust. I can't let fear guide me through life anymore. I just can't.

First thing's first: I turned to God for help. I've been studying the Bible---not the way I used to. This time, it's one chapter at a time, and most times, it's just one parable or paragraph at a time so I can absorb it and truly grasp the meaning behind a lot of the symbolism/parables in there. I've also been doing concordance studies, focusing in on my ailments and issues in life and seeing what the Bible has to say about it. This has given me so much comfort. In fact, I'm not the same person anymore.

I'm not the same. Thank God.

My 17 years of writing has come to an interesting fork in the road, (this includes my book.) I am taking down the first book I wrote called, "A Prayer Away From Healing." Again, I'm not the same person as I once was. My views and beliefs are so much different today. I've been praying to God to take out my old stony heart and to replace it with a new one, with new and right desires. I asked the Holy Spirit to fill me, so that I can be whatever God needs me to be. I had to let go of control and be who God says I am.

Now, I may lose some of my friends and possibly part of my family, but I'm doing this for me and for my relationship with God. I'm doing this for Madelene and I'm doing this for people who bought my book, or who have read my blog entries---I'm doing this so that I don't lead people down the wrong path. What I'm about to tell you may come to you as a shock, may be even insulting or it may sound like I'm trying to "fake it tillI make it," as I once thought that about this lesbian couple who tried to take us into their ministry at the age of 23---to show us a better life. I've written in various articles how I thought they were living a lie---how can people who love one another give up their "lifestyle" and say that it's a better life now? I was still on the milk back then---a baby in Christ trying to get to know Him. I was always offended or taken aback by what other Christians said about being gay or being in a lifestyle that God may deem "unnatural."

But it's not about "not being gay." It's about idolization. This goes for everyone really.

It says, "Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others. I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single."---1 Corinthians 7:7-9

It simply states that anyone who cannot keep their "passions" and "lust" in check should definitely marry. But sometimes, when we marry and have kids---all the beautiful things we may think is right for us, could actually be separating us from God. To place anyone or anything before God is essentially making them an idol. But it's not that "strict and demanding" as it sounds. In a simplified personal version of mine: I just want to focus on God. I never felt close to God when I was living a life God didn't have planned for me. When we're not in line with God's word, then we feel like something is missing. And we can't "try" and not sin---the Holy Spirit will fill you if you ask it to come live inside of you. It's the Holy Spirit that changes us, because as humans, we cannot do it ourselves. I know I couldn't have done this without God.

It took me 27 years to get to this place. I think about the old me and cringe over some of the past stuff I've been involved in. It is soooooo much better on this side. With understanding and discernment, I can look back and press play and see it unfold before me. I can see my insecurities, my fears, my skewed thinking and most of all, my words "on paper" that may have left some people confused of where they are right now at this very moment.

The only thing that I'm repenting about is not making God #1. Even though I said God was number one, my time, my backsliding, my lack of knowledge of scripture said a lot. I'm not perfect by all means. I'm still a sinner praying without ceasing. Even if we backslide, God says to keep going---focus on Him. Don't let the devil make you feel guilty for backsliding---just keep going and BELIEVE that God will get you through any obstacle in your life.

Keep in mind, that when you let go of your control and let God inside, you're still going to have opposition---you're still going to climb up steep hills and sometimes stumble along the way, but He will pick you up, dust you off and make you new again. The challenges I had with losing my mother---the woman who truly had my heart was a fiery test I had to go through. But what actually happened after her passing was that I got so much closer to God than I can even imagine. My thoughts slowly started to change, my thinking and beliefs started to morph into a straight line and accordance to God's word. There was a day where I was just like, "I get it! I get it now!"

I keep wondering, did my mom beg God to change my heart when she got up there once she knew the truth? Or did something just 'click' once God revealed the bigger picture to me? I'm not sure what happened, but I know that I will never regret this decision. I don't have that feeling of doom anymore---the unsure feeling of "What if God says, 'Depart from me, I never knew you?'" I couldn't go through life with that over my head. This life is fleeting. In a blink of an eye, you can be gone just. like. that., and I want to be sure that I know that I know that I know, that I'm right with God.

I may lose some of my followers and readers for this decision, and that's okay. I appreciated everyone reading my articles and sharing with me. I'm not judging anyone who is living differently than I am, I'm just trying to focus on making God #1 in my life, without distractions. Trust me, being that I have a lot of "Ooooh something shiny" moments---I have to keep focused. If not, I will definitely lose myself in the process.

This took a lot to write. I didn't have to tell you my personal journey, but God keeps pushing me to do so, because so many of you have my book, and have seen my articles about my old life, and I need to be upfront and honest with you....publicly. I think this has to be the hardest post I have ever wrote, and one of the most refreshing things I ever wrote as well. Please know---nobody brainwashed me or threw me into some weird cult or "prayed my gay away." God led me up to this very moment.

For those who prayed for me in the past, while I lashed back in anger over your "judgments" ---thank you. You know who you are.

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