Tuesday, November 26, 2019

People Are Scared of Your Grief

It's strange, I used to think it was a blessing if someone can be open and honest enough to talk about their struggles to a friend or loved one, but I'm finding that some people can't handle certain things. And that's ok! For example, if you're grieving like I am, and you talk about your lost loved one and still having a hard time coping from time to time, people tend to get scared of the intensity of your grief. It's totally understandable too. I remember when my mother was still alive, and a friend of mine had lost her mom. It was like my mind couldn't absorb the impact of what my friend was going through. I didn't know how to approach her, or how to even comfort her. I thought that maybe she needed some time alone to deal with her incredible loss. I mean, what could I have possibly done in order to help someone with the worst grief imaginable? Part of me was scared---scared of losing my own mother, and scared of facing the reality of what can happen at any day, at any hour. Sometimes death can bring out the fear of our own mortality. So now that I've lost my own beautiful mother, I'm ok writing about it, but to have it interfere with my social life, like going through a depressive phase, (because let's face it --- grief comes in waves,) or having a little bit of a mental health crisis --- that can have people fleeing the scene of your "scary grief." I'm generally a happy person who loves life, but there are times, especially these days when I'm adjusting to a new home and a new life, where I find myself disoriented from it all. I'm glad that my grief comes in waves, where it lets in the happiness of my true authentic self. Most of the time, I love joking around with everyone and laughing. I'm not a very "intense & heavy" person to be around. I love light-hearted and uncomplicated interactions. I love to enjoy my friends and have some laughs. Life's too short. But on those days when I'm sad, I have to pull away, because I don't want it to infect others who are going through a 'happy wave.' I think it's safe to say that we all have our good and bad days. We just need to know how to navigate it in the beginning, especially when the waves come more frequently than not.

A couple of weeks ago, I was praying for God to remove the intensity of my grief. I was asking Him to take this anxiety and sadness away.

And when I opened up the Bible, I turned to this passage:

"Don't be afraid, for you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace; take heart and be strong!" --Daniel 10:19

It's ok to be afraid of someone else's grief. That's our own natural defense mechanism of how some of us cope. There's no wrong or right way to cope either. But if you are going through some sort of grief, like a loss of a parent, sibling or child, then expect your friends and loved ones to be a little distant. It's not that they don't want to be around you, it's because they may be afraid to feel what you're feeling, especially if they love you...especially if they're scared of losing their own loved ones. It's like watching a movie where someone is dying of cancer, and in the end, we're all sitting around the sofa passing the Kleenex. Life can be brutal sometimes, so when you feel like you're all alone in your grief, give it time, talk to God and know that this too, shall pass. And when the fog of grief seems to lessen, then the presence of your friends and loved ones will be more visible. Don't take offense to it---it's just how life works.

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