Where There's a Will There's a Way

It's been a couple of months since I wrote anything in this blog. I tried going on vacation to clear my head to only come back to the end of the month of June, which is the anniversary of my mama's passing. It's like, good God, will this ever end? But I got through it. Between posting up melancholy Instagram posts and whining on Twitter, I had that Moonstruck moment where I was like, "Snap out of it!" I keep going back and forth with being okay to not being okay, and that's pretty normal when you lose someone so very special in your life. I stopped live broadcasting, writing, yet kept up with my editing and advertising because it didn't require "thinking" -- it just required to get other people's business done. So that's a different aspect of my work. But here, on this blog, and over on Periscope live stream -- it's all me. As you know if you've been reading my blog, I always tell you about my broken heart or ailments to only give you ways that helped me cope with it. So there is a silver lining to my sad sob story. Bear with me.

About a few months ago, I had to go into the hospital for severe abdominal pain on my right side. They figured out that it was some kind of calcification on my appendix and that I should see a surgeon. It didn't burst or anything, but it's on the brink. Long story short, the nurse took a whole slew of blood from me for tests. About 15 minutes later, I was starting to feel better. I noticed a trend too -- that every time I visit the doctor for some kind of pain, especially related to the heart (chest pain or other) -- my pain disappears after the nurse takes my blood. I'm not just talking about 1 vile -- they usually take a 6 pack of my blood. Eh, coincidence, until I was mindlessly watching a documentary about men in prison. I'm not sure which one it was, but there was this man who constantly kept cutting himself to the point of extensive bleeding. They took him out and was psychiatrically evaluating him to see if he was a nut job -- but he was extraordinarily intelligent. He explained to the doctor that what he was doing was called "bloodletting."

From the website called, "The Art of Manliness" -- it explains how bloodletting started. It reads, "Bloodletting was thought to be beneficial in healing nearly every disease, from acne and asthma, to cancer and smallpox. Even the loss of blood from a wound was treated by…removing more blood! Bloodletting the already-wounded was thought to reduce inflammation (which is why it was employed prior to surgery as well). Bloodletting wasn’t limited to curing disease either, but was also used as a preventive measure to avoid getting sick."

Even menstruation is considered a type of bloodletting by its natural cleansing. In fact, the most common bloodletting tool was a barber's razor.  They explained it really well in this paragraph: "For centuries, the local barber not only offered close shaves and sharp haircuts, but also provided medical services including bloodletting. In fact, the iconic barbershop pole with its two brass balls and red and white stripes is a vestige of the days when barbers would slit customers’ arms to relieve their ailments. The brass ball at top represents the bowl that the barbers kept leeches in for drawing blood, and the brass ball at the bottom of the pole represents the bowl the barbers used to catch blood from their patients/customers. The red represents blood, while white stripes symbolize the bandages that barbers would hang on a pole to dry after washing. The pole itself may represent a stick that patients would grip during the bloodletting procedure to encourage blood flow." Needless to say, I'll be 'selfishly' donating blood on a regular basis. I'll be helping somebody else while helping myself in the process.

Other than trying to feel better, mentally and physically, I've been praying on a daily basis still, but with more diligence and time dedicated to God. I'm not only learning so much about the Bible and what the scriptures truly mean, and not what I 'think' it means. It's been a very interesting journey for me. Some of the things I have learned not only from the Bible itself, but through other Christian believers is that yes, we are all sinners, and no we cannot 'try' to not sin by our own efforts. I never understood what that meant when someone would say that in the past. But what it means is, that when you repent, and ask God to come into your life -- the Holy Spirit -- your life will change. You will no longer desire the things of the past. In the contemporary English version, there's a scripture that reads, "I will take away your stubborn heart and give you a new heart and a desire to be faithful. You will have only pure thoughts." Whatever your sin is -- you can't just try to not think of it -- whether it's an addiction or even impure thoughts. Our humanness gets in the way. We just simply cannot do it on our own. So when you ask for the Holy Spirit to be in your life and make prayer a daily maintenance -- you'll start to see a change in your thinking, and then your behavior. This is if you truly let go of whatever it is you are hanging onto that makes you sin. Truly ask, and He will change you without any effort on your part. Though the flesh is weak, God is much stronger. Just make sure you keep up with daily communication with God. This is what has helped me tremendously. It's also helped me deal with my bouts of agoraphobia. I don't hesitate to go off on my own anymore. Some places are still tricky, but it has gotten so much better. My anxiety has lessened a great deal, and when I do suffer from a panic attack, I go into my little "Deb Cave" and pray, as well as listen.

This year has been quite the testing period for me. I've learned how to be "okay" with the silence of being in a large house by myself, even when there are snowstorms. I freaked out the first couple of times, but then learned that I'm OKAY even if I'm stuck up on that mountain all by myself. I can lose this mindset if I lose my prayer and meditation time. I speak of meditation as in, listening to God, not sitting Indian style chanting mantras and such. I mean, praying, listening, communicating with God -- that type of meditation. It's about focus and bringing your thoughts fully upon God. When I do this, I receive messages whether through the Bible, or through something written or by what somebody says to me. God answers me in the most bizarre ways -- and it's not a "coincidence" because these answers are specific.

Although I still have my downfalls and backsliding -- I always come back to the Source. I've been noticing that I have been very present in everything I do. I don't daydream anymore -- the type that gets your anxiety in a tizzy -- like fret over "what ifs" --- however, at night, sometimes my mind goes there and torments me until I pray and let go and let God handle it. It's a constant struggle, but I don't worry about the things I used to worry about. I may have new worries, but they're handled much better than before. If you constantly keep seeking God with all your heart, you're going to find Him. It may take a while -- it may take a lot of trust --- it may take a whole lotta patience, but try. It has completely changed my life to where I know that I know that I know there's a God and there's a heaven. I always believed, but not in this type of belief -- more so "knowledge." And even though we all fear death -- because I feared it all the time -- I fear it less. I can't say I'm 100% fearless, but it's getting there. I actually pray to God to make me dangerously courageous! I pray and wish for that more than anything in the world. Think about it -- if you didn't have fear of anything in the world, where would you be right now? (Mentally, emotionally, physically as well as geographically.)

Those of you who have personally emailed me, DM'd me as well as sent Facebook messages to let me know you missed me broadcasting -- THANK YOU. I just felt like I had nothing to offer anyone any longer. I was in a bad funk, but slowly getting out of it. I appreciate every single one of you and I am so grateful I have come across many genuine good-hearted people. I'm not sure when I'll be back broadcasting, but I wanted to update you on what has been going on here.

Until then my little sunshines...

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!