Downright humiliating. It’s what I felt as I did these freaky squat thrusts on a little mushy dome-like half ball on the floor, while these beautiful people walked past me as I stuck my butt out in “full” display. My trainer is one of those types who don’t believe workout machines will help all that much. She made me do 30 push ups (the half ass beginner ones), weird side leaps with a resistance belt tied around my ankles, looking more like my underwear fell down, 100 sit ups – but these sit ups were different – I had to lie on my back and push my legs into the air. I said, “This’ll never work.”

How wrong I was. I got a Charlie horse in my stomach muscle. Who gets that?

I could have done all of this at my house. But would I? …She even made me use one of those “steps” – the type of step that aerobic classes used from 1982 with leg warmers. I had to carry a 5 lb medicine ball and leap from side to side rotating each foot swinging the ball high in the air. I looked like some giddy gay man from a bad musical. It was just so humiliating.

Here’s the thing, I’m trying to lose weight. The last thing I want to see is a huge ass mirror covering the entire wall from top to bottom and from side to side, unless I’ve already reached my goal weight. I’m not sure what people’s motives are as far as installing mirrors, but have you ever noticed, that in retail stores, the mirrors make you look MUCH thinner? Of course. They want you to think your ass looks really nice in those jeans. When you get home, reality slaps you in the face and you’ve just realized you’ve been followed by a huge monstrosity that seemed to look a lot smaller in the department store’s mirror. Well, think of this: the gym mirror is “shortened” to make you look like a circus sideshow. It’ll make you appear fatter so that you’ll work out harder, leaving you to do only one thing: renew that horribly expensive membership.

It’s all a business.

As a personal trainer, I realize that you’re training the other person in need of help, therefore, you don’t have to do anything but demonstrate the workout, and then have your client/patient or victim (whatever you want to call them) do the hard stuff. I understand that, because they’re monitoring your form and if you’re doing everything correctly. I don’t mind that. What gets me is after the entire hour spent with this personal trainer, then they say, “Get on an elliptical for an hour to cool down.”

To cool down? For the love of God I’ll be screaming “911”!!! So, I did it. I didn’t want to look “weak” or flake out. Amazingly enough, I did the full hour on a very high level. When I got off the elliptical, my legs were so wobbly, that I needed to sit and stretch for another half hour.

Who the hell spends 2 ½ hours at the gym? Today, I’m going to bring my bed with me so I can just sleep there.

This better work.