Friday, June 09, 2006

Witnessing God In My Life

For as far as I can remember, I always knew I was different. I recall being attracted to the same sex since I was eight years old. I didn’t know why I was. I didn’t know ‘what’ it was---I just happen to find myself attracted to some of my closest friends and eventually came to the conclusion in my late teens that this is who I am. I realized I wanted to spend my life with a woman. I dated guys here and there, but I never got that full connection as I did when I was in the presence of a woman. I felt guilt for many years for feeling the way I did due to everyone around me being heterosexual. I was also raised in a Catholic household. Was I a freak? How come I was the only one that turned out this way? How could I have been influenced at such an early age? I was never sexually or physically abused when I was younger—despite what many psychiatrists will say. So why me?

My entire chemistry would change if I was around someone I truly loved. My heart would race, my palms would sweat, and my whole entire being was focused on ‘them’. This never happened to me when I was with a guy or one of my ex-boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong, I dated a man who I loved very much—but it was much different. I have many male friends who I adore, but just not in that way. I had to keep my feelings to myself until I finally couldn’t take it anymore. When I tried dating guys, I was playing a role to which I lost myself in. I was playing another character—never returning to the real person I was. I had genuine love and affection for the guys I dated, but not the type that makes you want to say, “Yes! I will marry you!” I loved them as a person.

People will argue with me, “Well it’s just as bad as living with someone before you get married.” (Premarital sex)

Well then, if the government would let me marry legally, I would. If that’s the case, I would have married my partner of twelve years a long, long time ago. My relationship with my partner is just like a heterosexual’s, however we cannot have children the natural way nor can we get married ‘legally’. A lot of people will throw that in my face.

“Gay parents are awful and corrupt the minds of our young ones.”

Really? What about parents who are addicted to crack who leave their children for dead? What about scenarios where parents no longer want their baby and end up trashing them in a garbage bin somewhere---alive? You cannot compare heterosexual parents to homosexual parents. We are “all” different. Sure there are not so perfect homosexual parents out there, as well as not so perfect heterosexual ones. Who can determine which parents are better? Who can make that call or judgment?

This morning I spoke to my father. He usually never dabbles into ‘gay conversations’ because I think it makes him uneasy---because he thinks it makes me feel uneasy. He explained to me that he saw a show on television (possibly a documentary---he never remembers names of these shows) but he said that some guy wrote a book about his life as a homosexual. His father was shocked at first, but then realized how happy his son was. His book became a huge hit and his father told him how proud he was.

This morning my father told me he was proud of me. He said he was proud I didn’t hide myself in a closet all my life and also proud that my book started taking off. He gave me such encouraging words this morning that I almost cried. He stated how comfortable he feels around me, my partner and all of our friends who are homosexual.

“It makes no difference! I would still love you straight, gay, or single with no desire to be wit’ anyone!”
Dad said, as he sipped his coffee.

“How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father and mother, “Why was I born? Why did you make me this way?” ~Isaiah 45-10

I don’t question why God made me this way. My relationship with God has flourished these past four years into a beautiful union between a father and daughter. When I wrote my book, I prayed and meditated before even typing a word out. There were many times while writing my book, where my fingers kept typing frantically; yet they weren’t my own words sometimes. It flowed out of me effortlessly. My experiences with God during the time I wrote my book was amazing. There were times where God confirmed His love to me on numerous occasions. I wrote about each and every one of them in my book. He made His presence known—He appeared to me.

Here’s an excerpt from my book of a time where I witnessed God’s presence in my life after being in a gay community for vacation. This is something I don’t like to talk about too freely with everyone—because a lot of people will have scientific opinions or say I’m just a psychotic dyke who drank way too many martinis--but read this and learn my first experience of discovering God. Please keep in mind that all things written in my book are 'my beliefs'---as a Christian. I respect all views/religions and beliefs. This is just mine.

"Let Your Jesus Light Shine"

Ecclesiastes 8:1- How wonderful to be wise, to be able to
analyze and interpret things. Wisdom lights up a person’s
face, softening its hardness.


When people see that you are enlightened by God, you
pique their interests. You make them feel as though they are
accepted, because they see that you have a strong relationship
with God. Some of my closest friends were non-believers and
semi-believers. I had some friends say to me,
“Well I know there
is ‘something out there’.”
Of course there is! Some people have
even said to me,
“Well I believe in the universe, and that we need
to respect it, because it guides our lives.”
The universe? Okay…but
let me ask you this—who made the universe? It surprises me
how many unbelievers are out there. I have gone through
many Godly experiences that left me bewildered. Sometimes
I wasn’t even sure if I should even tell people due to their
reactions. I thought they would commit me to a mental
institution. On top of that, I feared their judgment upon
me. I know I shouldn’t have been concerned with that. I have
revealed the miracles that took place in my life, and have
had people actually inquire more about Christianity. I even
shared a Godly experience with my ex. That day, I went out
and bought my ex a bible so that she could seek guidance
whenever she needed it. God wants you to share your beliefs
with others. I believe that God works through me by placing
unbelievable miracles in my life and revealing Himself to me.
I then, tell people about the wonderful things He has done
for me.

There was a time I went on vacation with a few friends to
Provincetown, MA. They have quaint shops, art galleries, and
terrific restaurants right on the ocean. At night, they held
shows and had a great night life. It is known to be the oldest
town in history within the United States. One evening, we all
decided to see one of their drag queen shows. I walked into
the place full of men wall to wall. I went over to sit by the
bar and have a drink with my buddies. As the show went on,
these talented men in dresses performed very well. They were
hysterical. As I looked around, I couldn’t help notice that
this room was packed full of gay men, but more so- I noticed
that these men weren’t out for just the show, the place was
based on sexual immorality. I began looking at each man’s
face thinking, “This is someone’s son, or brother, or husband…” I
began praying in my head for all of them to be saved. I don’t
know why I started praying as this show was going on, but
I couldn’t help it. After the show was over, my friend asks,
“Wasn’t that funny?” And I really didn’t remember the show
in great detail. We went back to our rooms to go to sleep to
prepare for another outing in the morning.

I woke up in good spirits. My friend and I walked down
the street to get a bite to eat. As I was watching the road, I
kept noticing little rainbows on the pavement. When I tell
this story, everyone reminds me that the rainbow is a symbol
of ‘gay pride’—-but no, this wasn’t a rainbow flag reflecting
off something. This was something that I saw that no one else
could. So I continued walking, and glanced over at something
else to only notice another rainbow. I went to my room to get
ready and prepare for the day. I started feeling this euphoric
sense that something was near me. It was a very good feeling.
I told my friend as I was walking around feeling goose bumps
and that I felt an energy of some sort. She is very familiar that
I am sensitive to supernatural forces however; I do not wish to
practice my spirituality in that area. My friend kept asking,
“Is
it a good energy?”
I said, “Yes…..very good.” As I kept walking

and pacing around the suite, I couldn’t shake it off. I looked at
my friend and said, “I’m scared.” The feeling was getting more
overwhelming. A few seconds later, I felt as if this energy went
right through my body and stayed there for a moment. As I
felt this energy within me, I shook uncontrollably and fell to
my knees crying. I wasn’t crying out of pain, I was
crying because I felt the Holy Spirit inside of me, and it was
so incredible and strong that I couldn’t handle it. It was too
much—but it was the best feeling I have ever experienced in
my whole life. I asked God to please stop before I died from
this experience, and poof—it was gone! My friend was on the
floor with me as I was shaking and crying saying,
“It’s God! It’s
the Lord!”
She cried as well. The funny thing is, she knew it was
God, and didn’t think that I was having some sort of mental
breakdown. The remaining feeling I had was this wonderful,
peaceful, warm sensation. I carried that with me for the rest
of the day. As I went about my day in old Provincetown, I
noticed that people were drawn to me. People were drawn
to the light that Jesus lit up within me. Ironically enough
this heavenly experience happened in a town full of sin and
sexual immorality. It was the most magical experience that
I have ever had! Now how was I going to explain this to my
friends and family? Especially the ones that don’t fully believe
in God? This was a hard call. But I did end up telling some
of my family members and a select few. Hopefully by writing
this book, I can share this with everyone. Being filled with the
Holy Spirit is the most wonderful feeling, and it also draws
people to you. People notice when someone else if full of
life; filled with God’s presence. Now not to say that I am this
angelic character roaming the earth, but when God is within
me, guiding me, others notice it. There are times where I am
distant from God, where my sinful nature separates me from
Him. Somehow, someway, I always come back. Accept Jesus
into your hearts, and watch the miracles take place. Trust
me.

Daniel 4: 2-3- I want you all to know about the miraculous
signs and wonders the Most High God has performed for
me. How great are his signs, how powerful his wonders!
His kingdom will last forever, and his rule through all
generations.

This is my time to reveal what has happened to me. I
speak through experience, not as a ‘know it all’. When I went
through my depression, I didn’t think I would come out of
it anytime soon. I dwelled on things that I shouldn’t have. I
wanted things that weren’t good for me. God led me to write
this book in order to not only heal myself from a bad break
up, but to get to know Him, and trust that He will guide me
on to the right path. The more that I focused on God, the less
my depression was, and the less I thought about my ex.
He has helped me recover from my depression. I feel as if the
fog has lifted and I can see more clearly.

Ecclesiastes 11: 3- When the clouds are heavy, the rains
come down.

I always know that a rainbow will follow…


The reason why I am putting that excerpt up on my blog is to show that I’m not just a person claiming to be Christian; I believe due to faith as well as experiencing the wonderful presence of God. You can debate whatever you think it might have been—but I know in my heart that it was God.

I also want to point out that in any touristy town or ‘wild’ vacation community—there will always be promiscuity and immorality. That's life. In fact, anywhere you go, it’ll be there. All gays are not promiscuous. There are homosexuals who live very healthy lifestyles in monogamous relationships. There are many homosexuals who do live promiscuously—living a life of immorality—just as many heterosexuals do. But that evening, while I was in a room full of gay men, there were things I saw that were a bit risqué and a little ‘out there’---which is why I started praying ~in my mind~ for them.

Each person has their own relationship with God. Some people don’t choose to have a relationship with God. That’s our ‘choice’. God gave us a choice to choose Him, or choose a life without Him. Do I judge people who do not choose to believe? Of course not! That’s “their” right. You cannot change a person; only God can. You cannot tell someone who believes with all their heart and soul, “You will not go into heaven because you love this person!” Let God judge. God knows your heart.

If people persecute you because you are a Christian, don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t try to act important, but enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.

Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written,

“I will take vengeance;
I will repay those who deserve it,”
says the Lord.

Instead, do what the Scriptures say:

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink,
and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.”

Don’t let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good. ~Romans 13:14-21


Great advice taken right out of the bible. Thank you all for your input on my previous post--which Dani has taken the time out to write. I want to thank Dani for her time and well thought out post. Her beliefs are firm and very strong, just as mine are. The only difference between Dani and I, is the persistence of trying to change people. Let God handle that. If God wants someone to change--He will do it. He's capable.